Clearing the Fear - Investigating and Correcting Points of Fearing to Change

After reading Andrea's blog post on moving through resistances while blogging/vlogging, i saw how i have not been as effective as i can be within my blogging and self writing.

i see that as i have taken on this point of blogging daily (nightly), i have seen a pattern emerge wherein i meet up with a lot of resistance within writing - often physically falling asleep and typing gibberish on the keyboard and having to 'force' myself to remain HERE - and only writing out a few coherent paragraphs without actually directing or supporting myself through the point. Doing my writing during the morning is definitely more practical and support for me, and i will continue to push myself to write earlier instead of waiting until later in the evening - however i must still support myself through the resistances and blockages so that i am actually moving myself within self-change.

what i see here is that i have been facing some suppressed points lately - and compounded self definitions are now 'coming up' to the 'surface' - and there is definitely resistance blogging/vlogging - because in self-honesty i fear changing - i fear actually having to lose my comfort zone. i fear having to actually let it all go and walk into the 'unknown', letting go of what i have defined myself as within my ego/personality design which i have depended on for 'survival' within this matrix world - thus there is a resistance in the form of wanting to 'hold on' to my self-definitions within having accepted such definitions as self.

it was suggested to write down the points that i have been working with for the last few months and note the points where i have not changed or actually lived self-correction - and investigate what it is that i am holding on to - taking into consideration where i am currently and what it is that i am still holding on to - what are the points of self-definition, memories, experiences i am not at this moment willing to let go of completely? where in my world now am i relying on my 'old' self in order to get by?

Here I compile a list of points that i have been working on and have not made progress with. I will be taking these points one at a time to write out the specific resistances/fears as well as what i am holding on to as a survival mechanism before moving on to the next point.

The first point i will take on within this application is the point of procrastination -

Procrastination - I continuously allow myself to be distracted within my mind, and allow myself to put things off instead of dealing with things directly. I am still allowing self to wait until it is late into the evening before getting things done, or postponing certain chores or errands due to participating in thoughts wherein i am projecting myself doing the task and creating resistances, fears, anxiety over what requires doing - which is a tactic that my personality design uses to not actually deal with or take on a point in my actual reality and then blame it on not having enough 'time' or not being prepared.

The trigger/entry for this is when i begin to think about the things i require to get done - and within this start to conceptualize and internalize the doing, and allowing self to get lost in the internalization of the point instead of addressing the point in the physical. This is a coping mechanism wherein i allow myself to justify and remain within my self-limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to get things done in a practical manner.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'a failure' and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disregard who and what i am here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the mind's tactic of using memories and events/experiences out of context and creating new thoughts and pictures which i then react to and allow self to be influenced by.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rush through the points that require doing because of procrastination.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as procrastination in order to cope with fear, anxiety, and nervousness which stem from thoughts i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate as a means to not actually change and remain within the comfort zone built up by my ego/personality

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear actually taking responsibility for all aspects of my life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend on 'rushing' through what i have to get done in order to not actually face my own fear of doing something wrong, messing up, or looking foolish - which is actually more likely to happen if/when i rush.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put things off until the last moment so that i can distract myself within the 'deadline' and stress and tension in order to not face my own points.

I will continue with further investigation on this point and follow up with self correction.

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Other points that i have mapped out for myself are below, which i will work through one at a time.

Driving
School/Study
Self-Doubt/Self-Limitation
Defensiveness/Reaction to Points being called out
Suppressing points/internalizing
Nervousness/Anxiety
Establishing myself within the matrix - getting a job that supports me effectively

Lethargy and Laziness - no such thing!

Today I had experienced myself as being lethargic and lazy, and did not experience myself as being self-directed or 'motivated'. I experienced myself still having symptoms of a cold, my body was sore, and my nose was either running or would be stuffed up. Within this I did not want to over exert my physical body by going to the gym with Lindsay in the morning and opted to stay home. I got on the computer and did some research, and then went out to the store to buy some food for the blood type diet which I am now beginning to test out.

While going shopping and bringing home the food and cooking for myself, I enjoyed the 'freedom' and self-movement of supporting myself by getting food and taking the time to prepare and cook a meal for myself – eating foods that will support my physical body.

Later after Lindsay got back from the gym, I started to experience the point of lethargy – and of a general 'laziness'. I was upstairs catching up on desteni videos and began to fall asleep – and breathing and walking around did not assist me in shaking off the 'low energy' feeling. I went downstairs and chatted with Lindsay for a bit. She mentioned perhaps we can go out to a cafe and hang out, but as we chatted I felt the lethargy dissipate and decided to resume what I was doing upstairs.

It was then that I began to look at this point of lethargy and 'low energy' as well as experiencing self being 'lazy' – and what I saw was that I was comparing my productivity today with yesterday, and wanting to keep the same momentum – of moving through points, going out, doing things, facing resistances, hanging out with Lindsay and enjoying self within all of that from a starting-point of energy – 'feeling good' about getting stuff done as well as experiencing excitement over our new puppy. I see that I wanted to hold on to that energetic 'high' and within that I was now experiencing the polarity – the inevitable and assured crash that follows all energy.

Seeing that I required to get to the root of this, I went upstairs and starting writing – allowing self to type out the secret mind chatter and 'ranting and raving' until I was clear – and as the energy dropped and I was seeing what I was participating in, the points became clear.

I saw how I was experiencing a point of 'energy withdrawal' – and within this was STILL participating within and as energy – only this time in the form of being 'low' and 'lazy' and 'unproductive' – which is a very sneaky/deceptive system where for a while I felt as though I did not have any energy and was becoming frustrated with self for not directing self, when in fact I was busy in my mind holding on to the excitement of yesterday and actually still using energy to create the experience of 'lethargy' and 'laziness'.

It is fascinating how the mind is able to 'dress up' such points – and shows that the mind is never interested in actual answers or support, and is only ever interested in getting self to participate within energy to keep the mind going – to keep the ego entertained and busy. It actually TAKES ENERGY to experience self as having 'no energy' and being 'lethargic'!

Also relevant here is the point of comparison – judging self to be 'not doing enough' or 'not supporting self' in order to participate in the feeling/experience of lethargy and 'laziness' – feeding the experience of self-judgment and within that actually locking self into a mode of not being HERE and simply being stuck in a self-created 'pity-party'.

Thus to realize that any/all points of reaction/emotional experience within and as self are generated within the mind – that it is never an actual real experience within and as the physical – but rather a condition created within participating within energy and thoughts that is then layered upon the actual practical living reality and one then 'steps into'.

So it was cool to support myself within not accepting the experience as self – to not allow self to remain within that point of lethargy wherein I am blaming self as well as the world for what was going on within myself – all the while being the one who is ultimately responsible for what is going on within me and having the ability to stop it.

In those moments of possession one does not see the full 'back story' and is simply lost within the experience – whether it is despondency, laziness, frustration, impatience, depression, anger, or even joy /happiness. Thus it is cool to write points out and see them for what they are and dismiss them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to recreate the energetic high and excitement from yesterday, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating the energetic high within 'feeling good' about myself for moving through points and 'taking things on' – creating within this a 'drama' layered upon the actual events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within energy-withdrawal and wanting to re-live the moments of enjoyment from yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by experiences and memories of the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'I am not doing enough' and 'I am not moving fast enough' within comparing self to memory/experience from yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as creating an experience for self as mind/ego within allowing the experience of 'lethargy' and 'laziness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound within me the point of feeling lethargic and lazy because Lindsay is here and believing that she is seeing me as that point of lethargy and laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard how I do support myself within the physical by going into and accepting the thought of 'I am not doing enough'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a picture/belief of what 'doing enough' should look like, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to and become dependent upon the energy within 'feeling good/self satisfied'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'feeling' a certain way in order to accept myself within self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the experience of 'laziness' and 'lethargy' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further judge myself as being 'lazy' and 'lethargic'.

I stop. I breathe. I support myself through writing and self forgiveness and do not allow self to participate within the thought/belief that I am 'not doing enough' and that I 'should be doing more' from a starting point of ego and energy addiction.