Today at work a young boy tried to steal a new pair of shoes by 'trying them on' and then walking out of the store with them. One of my associates noticed it and called it out over our radios. In that moment I did not move to intercept the boy, and experienced a moment of hesitation within self- seeing that I should move to stop the boy but 'for some reason' did not. It was as though I was paralyzed for a brief moment and could not 'will' myself to move.
A customer ran out after the young man and yelled towards him to get back into the store. At this point i went out and caught up to the boy and said "hey those are some nice new shoes you have. do you have a receipt for those?" to which the boy responded "i was just trying them on, i swear". At this point another associate from the store came out- the one who first noticed the young man attempting to walk out with the new shoes. he escorted him back, got the shoes, and returned to the young man the shoes he originally came in with. after the ordeal we began to talk about what had happened and as well as begin to trade stories about the 'old days' when we worked for a different company and we had a Loss Prevention department in the store who would apprehend and catch all shoplifters as well as press charges against them whereas now we no longer pursue or go after shoplifters if they get beyond a certain point. i participated within the gossip as well as the energy around having 'busted a shoplifter' and participated as well in indulging within the energy of the event, and did not direct myself within stopping and letting go of the energy, which i now see would have an immediate consequential play-out which i will soon share.
Later, on my walk back from home, i recorded a vlog 'in the moment'. i sat down on a park bench and spoke what was 'here' to speak. i spoke about abusing energy within and as the mind and how that plays our within our world, how we must stop existing as the mind and see what we are doing to ourselves and each other here. i spoke also about the state of things here in california- about prisons having to relocate or release inmates early due to not having enough of a budget to keep prisons running effectively, as well as speaking on the point of police having to be cut back for the same reason, and bringing it all back to the point of what desteni stands for and what we are doing. but as i spoke i went into a point of projection, wherein i stopped speaking for/as self within self-support, and more became a point of 'preaching' and not bringing the points back to self. which again i now see that i would be face an immediate consequence for.
ending the recording, i stood up and realized that i must live and integrate these words. and in that moment i experienced myself clear that these are the words that i stand by and will continue to walk until it is here in fact, and there was a moment of clarity within self- yet soon after i noticed myself going back into thoughts and distractions and not being aware of each and every breath.
what happened shortly after was an immediate and incredibly specific manifested consequence-
on the walk home i noticed 3 young men standing at the edge of a curb on the sidewalk, seeming to look at me and the look back between themselves as i approached. within me i there there was 'something up' with these guys from the way there were all looking at me and speaking amongst themselves from across the street.
i continued on walking, dismissing my initial 'gut reaction'. one of them approached me and said "hey give me all your shit", to which I replied "what?"
in that moment i knew exactly what he was wanting from me, but asked "what?" in order to buy myself time as i looked around my environment. there was fear within me of not wanting to get hurt and not wanting for one of them to pull out a weapon and attack me, but as i stood there taking in my surroundings i was clear that i was not going to give in and participate in the fear. i was standing in an area that was not lit and it was quite dark, and up ahead of me a few feet away was a spot of light and a gentleman walking up the street approaching.
the young man responded "Give me all your shit. Give me your cell phone."
It was clear that he and the two young guys with him were ready to do something, but still i did not participate in giving in to panic even though there was fear within me. at that moment i checked again at the spot of light and the gentleman walking up, and decided that if they were going to attack me, i would make it to that spot of light and the other gentleman would witness the attack and perhaps help me or go and fetch help. i kept on walking and said "i don't think so."
"oh, you don't think so, huh?" replied the young man, reaching into his pocket. At that point i turned my head and kept walking towards the lighted spot and towards the other gentleman and did not look back.
in moments i had crossed into the lighted spot and the gentleman walked by me... and the young men from the curbside did not follow or engage me... but immediately in that moment i experienced a deep fear and self-judgment for not warning the other man and experiencing myself as using him as 'leverage' for my own escape without making sure that he was not going to be approached the same way. i kept walking and was afraid to stay any longer and wanted to put more distance between me and those young men.
having 'gotten away', i kept walking for another few blocks, and within me was brewing a storm of self-judgment over 'disregarding' the other man whom i feared was being accosted by the young men and i had simply 'abandoned' him to fend for himself while having used him for 'cover'. i became possessed by morality and judging myself as having failed to live the words that i had just spoke in the vlog i recorded, and wanted to 'do the right thing' and 'redeem myself', but was too afraid to head back. i kept walking until i got to a main street where there were lots of lights and people, feeling terrible about myself within self-judgment. i noticed a gentleman walking out of a convenience store and headed up the street where i was at... i asked if he was headed up the way and informed him of the three gentlemen there. i noticed also an older woman headed up the way and told the man to warn her about it. at this point i was in a state of energetic possession, wanting to 'save' that man that i had 'doomed' and 'disregarded'.
i called the police, gave my report to an operator, and waited for an officer to arrive to speak with me. after a few moments a police car drove by with sirens on, speeding through traffic and heading in the direction of where the three gentlemen were. i waited there for some time, not sure if i was to stay there, but i did not want to continue waiting and wanted to get back to getting home, so i walked up the street to where i saw 3 police cars as well as the 3 young gentlemen sitting on the curbside across the way. standing at the opposite side of the street i called out "officer, may i have a word with one of you?", not wanting to get onto the same side of the street where the three young gentlemen were. an officer came and spoke with me and i gave him my report and details, and told him that i did not want to press charges. informed me that two of them were under 18 and one was a run-away. they were from a different area and should not be back in this neighborhood again.
i continued back down the street. a car 'randomly' drove by and somebody flipped me the fucker and yelled 'fuck you!' as the car sped off. within me i saw that i was wanting to create more thoughts and participate within reacting to such a 'random' incident, but stopped myself.
at this point it was clear that this was a 'test'- and that i must not create any energy/mind around this, as i had spoken about in the recording i had made. for the most part i was stable within self, but then after a short while i had a lot of thoughts and pictures coming up as well as having energy over what had happened... i tried to focus on being here and breathing but it was not enough to dissipate the energy. i called Lindsay and spoke to her about what happened, and she assisted me within giving her perspective and sharing the support of not making this into an 'event' where i am holding on to it as a point of energy/gossip within myself- creating it to be something special or exciting. this was fantastic support as i saw in that moment that was indeed having points of forming ideas and creating an 'event' out of it all.
i spoke out loud and said self-forgiveness on the points as i walked home. i saw for myself that i must not create any ideas or participate within any thoughts about what happened - that i must let go of the event entirely. as i continued home i saw the temptation of gossiping about this to my roomates and stopped it. i got home, and one of my roommates asked about my night and i shared what had happened but did not go into energy or wanting to gossip- simply sharing what had transpired without attachment- but then a second roomate came and asked, and when i shared i participated within energy and going into a point of gossip about the cops arriving and getting the three young men- thus having allowed myself to fall on the point of not allowing self to gossip.
I called Lindsay and we spoke about what happened and she exposed the point that i was still holding on to the energy and wanting to create and participate within the stories of the event within self, and exposed the point of me wanting to be a 'hero' and 'save the day' as well as wanting to 'redeem' myself out of self-judgment and guilt. she assisted me within seeing that what had happened was indeed specific, but what happened has happened and i must let go of all energy and let go of wanting to hold on to this experience as an energy point to exist within. also, the point to consider that i have been participating in some fears related to money lately and that this was a way for me to see the consequences of accepting and allowing self to participate in fears of not having money, which is actually manifesting in this world the experience of needing money and being willing to 'do anything' to get some money.
i see also the point of speaking words and living them as well as stopping doubting myself and being consistent within bringing all points back to self instead of going into a mode of 'preaching' to 'others'. i also see the point of being fully aware of self at all times and to be direct and brutal within the application of stopping all thoughts and projections as well as wanting to 'make up for' or 'redeem myself' over points where i did not immediately act in a way that i would have preferred to act- such as springing into action to stop the boy from shoplifting earlier during work, or making sure that the man who was walking up the street when i was approached by the three young men did not get attacked or mugged.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, within not immediately moving self when the boy was leaving the store with stolen shoes on, judge myself as 'unworthy'
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'redeeming' myself instead of letting go of the mind completely and seeing that redemption is a polarity manifestation of abdication.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-will and self-movement within wanting to redeem myself to another.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire holding on to this point of 'almost getting robbed' within gossip within my secret mind.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a savior and champion
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard this event as 'something special'
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