Recently I have been experiencing myself going into points of 'lock-down' during which I experience myself as possessed by the mind/ego, where I experience myself as though sinking endlessly into a pit within and as myself, diminishing to a point where I am not able to speak or move and am completely in a state of reaction, emotion, and defensiveness within and as the mind/ego.
Even now there is a resistance to writing and opening up these points. I have just gotten off from a skype call with Lindsay, and I am seeing how I as the 'tragic hero' mind am creating excuses and justifications in order to remain within my 'comfort zone' within limitation, self definition, and self interest in order to not actually have to face my own fears and actually walk the point of change, which is not acceptable for one who is going to walk this process. I now must answer for myself within self honesty where I stand within process and where I stand within the agreement with Lindsay, as I have been 'dealing with' this point for the past few days and have not directed myself within self-correction and self-directive writing.
The relevant point I see here at the moment is the resistance to writing, which I have created for myself through participating in thoughts, ideas, and projections of me 'having a hard time with this writing' and wanting to be able to 'get it all out', thus limiting myself within having projected an idea and expectation of what my self-corrective writing should look like- which is an obvious point of self-manipulation wherein I am undermining my own stance within self-support within self-writing, in wanting to have it be a certain way I am saying that I as ego want to have full control over my writing within holding on to my self-definitions, 'knowing' that if I allow myself to fully go into self-writing I will see the points clearly and be able to actually move and direct myself within stopping and letting go of my self-definition, and will also have to actually change, which is the point that I fear, the point that I am allowing myself within self interest to hold onto.
So I am here to write and expose myself to myself in order to establish my standing within this point and correct all points of self abuse and self dishonesty for myself. At the moment I am having the thought of “I do not trust my words” and there is a thought of wanting to 'give up' because I am a 'fucker' – which is coming from thoughts and memories of Bernard and Sunette's videos in which often it is mentioned that one who is not actually going to stand should fuck off and those who have abused self forgiveness will not be able to trust self forgiveness and will have to walk this process without it. Okay, self-direction here.
I take responsibility for this thought that I have accepted and allowed within myself of “I cannot trust my words and thus I should fuck off because I won't actually change.”, as this thought has come up a few times now within the last few days.
This thought is me saying within and as my ego, within and as my self-definitions, that I cannot trust my words – which is an excuse and total abdication of myself. For if I cannot trust my words then I cannot trust myself, for within accepting the thought and belief that I cannot trust my words I am accepting and allowing self to exist as the belief that I cannot direct myself and that my ego/mind is indeed 'greater'. Ok- in writing this sentence I had a moment of 'wandering off' towards the end- so I stop and see for myself that I as ego do not want to see this point- thus this is an indication of ego wanting 'control'. I stop this now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot trust my words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist forgiving myself on this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this point of believing that I cannot trust my words as an excuse to not actually face myself within writing and self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to not face myself by believing that I am not able to trust my words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within the thought of “I am not able to trust my thoughts” as a self manipulation in order to not push myself and take responsibility for self within self-correction and living as the Living Word within all that I write and speak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my ego/mind and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-will and self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as life, as all, as equal within accepting and believing the thought of “I cannot trust my words”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the belief of “I cannot trust my words”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my 'words' as not being trustworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not trustworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trustworthiness because it implies accountability and responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to be accountable and responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being accountable and responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my self-definition of 'I am not able to be accountable or responsible' in order to not actually change myself and stop living within and as that self-definition and self-limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within the thoughts of “I cannot trust my words”, “I cannot be accountable”, and “I cannot be responsible”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself within and as limitation in order to not face the point of change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my points of limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'hard' and/or 'difficult' to face my points of limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and project pictures and ideas about what facing my self-limitation should 'look like'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my secret mind and create excuses and justifications in order to 'talk myself out of' the point of actually changing and actually letting go of my self-definitions and self-limitations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the 'unknown' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my ego/mind within 'protecting me' as my self-definitions and self-limitations by creating excuses and justifications.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within self-definitions and self-limitations of the ego/mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self-limitation and self-interest within not wanting to face myself and holding on to my fears so that I do not have to give up my 'comfort zone'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within and as the ego/mind within creating and forming resistance to self-writing.
MC – Do I require more information in order to work through this point of resistance within self-writing? (NO)
MC – Is there self-corrective application required here besides self forgiveness? (Yes)
MC – On indicator change, the self-corrective application to be used (Unlock on Self-Corrective Statements)
I STOP. I take responsibility as self, within self-will and self-trust in each moment for this point. This point stops here and I no longer accept or allow myself to participate within doubting my own words and allowing within myself any thought of “I cannot trust my words”, “I cannot be accountable”, or “I cannot be responsible”.
Till HERE, no further. I stop accepting within and as myself the self-definition and self-limitation of believing and accepting that I cannot trust my words.
I trust my words and walk as self-trust within the words I speak and the words I write and the words I allow myself to think.
I release all thoughts and judgments of not trusting my words and not trusting my application within self-writing and self-forgiveness.
I trust self within and as my application of self-writing to support myself to see self within self-honesty.
I trust self within and as my application of self-forgiveness as self-support for taking responsibility for the points that I reveal for myself within self-writing.
I STOP writing within and as the mind. When I notice myself writing as the mind I stop, breathe, forgive myself for all points within me, and then continue writing. I will not accept or allow myself to participate within not trusting my own words and not trusting my application of self-writing as an excuse to remain within and as my self-limitation.
MC – Are more self-corrective statements required for me to work with on this point? (NO)
MC – Is more information required? (Yes)
MC – Indicator/Change – (unlocked on 'more self-writing')
Ok, I am experiencing much more clarity within self-writing at the moment. I see how I have created for myself an 'epic struggle' within having accepted and allowed within myself the point of believing that my words cannot be trusted and that I have 'abused self forgiveness', which was a way for me to go into an experience of self-reactive manipulation wherein I place myself into an emotional experience of despair and despondency in order to exist within that bubble of energy and not actually face and direct myself within what is going on in my actual participation within the world.
I see this is what has been happening within me for the past several days when the points of 'ego', 'control', 'not trusting self', and 'rushing' were opened up and exposed within participating in writing documents with Lindsay and having points of ego and wanting to be in control came up.
In relation to me going into the point of having accepted and believed that I cannot trust my words and that I had abused self-forgiveness and thus cannot trust myself within self-writing – I created for myself a way to abdicate completely my responsibility within correcting myself and actually stopping the self-definition I had been existing within and as.
Earlier in the day when it had been suggested by Lindsay that I do self-writing on the points that were coming up of me not trusting myself, internalizing and wanting to hide from Lindsay, me rushing and not being HERE, me projecting failure and thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, and me wanting to 'cover all bases' and not be 'exposed' from a starting-point of self-interest, I began writing and saw that I was still in the state of 'rushing' and wanting to 'get something done' from the starting-point of the ego/mind and was not actually directing myself within the point of self-writing, wherein I was writing 'just to write' and was not self honestly exposing what was going on inside of me. In that moment I allowed myself to participate within the excuse and justification of “I cannot trust my words” and did not push through the point. Instead, I allowed myself to go into points of 'panic' watching the clock and participating in thoughts of “I have to be at work soon”, “I don't have enough time to cover all the points”, “I am writing from a mind-possession state and I am not clear”, and did not in that moment direct myself within self-correction and had allowed myself to trust the excuses formed within and as my ego/mind.
It takes only ONE moment of giving in to the ego, as I had already experienced within writing the agreement manifesto with Lindsay- ONE point of allowing the ego/mind will set up a ticking time bomb that must and will explode into a manifested consequential play-out of ego/mind possession. Here I had participated within trusting the ego/mind and not standing HERE within self-trust and self-honesty to take responsibility for my fears and to push through and stop accepting limitation within self and within existence. Here, I had participated within ego and did not clear myself and did not move myself within self-direction and self-correction, and had to face the point of total ego/mind lock-down as a consequence.
Anything less that who and what we are as life, as one, as equal IS ego/mind and self-definition/self-limitation, and the ego is always aware, always at the ready, to slip in unnoticed when/if one is not present within and as breath and self-awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not correct myself and apply myself within self-writing, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective statements and self-corrective practical living in the moment immediately when the point of resistance and ego/mind became exposed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt and undermine my own self-honesty and self-trust by abdicating to my ego/mind within accepting and allowing self to internalize and go along with the ego/mind interpretation of the situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use knowledge and information instead of remaining HERE within self-movement to correct myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-spite and self-abuse which has now resulted in a consequential play-out of me going into energetic possession.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the self-support and practicality of writing and pushing through all resistances to writing no matter what.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and trust the ego/mind instead of sticking to the principle of writing out all points from a starting-point of self-honesty and self-intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist giving self the time and to have not cared about self enough to break through the resistance formed within and as ego/mind within and as self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself within accepting the enslavement of the mind-consciousness system by accepting myself as the ego/mind.
I STOP. I no longer doubt myself within the practicality of self-writing as self-support to establish self-honesty and allow self to care for self within revealing all points and exposing all points of mind-consciousness enslavement within and as ego/mind.
I move myself within writing to support self in self-realization and within this I allow myself to develop and accumulate self-trust and self-intimacy, seeing in to me.
I dedicate myself and re-establish for self this point of self-support through self-writing.
I direct myself to correct myself within and as the words that I speak and write.
MC – Is further corrective application required for this point? (NO)
Ok- I am clear now on the point of self-writing as self-support and no longer allowing within myself any reason or justification or excuse from the ego/mind whatsoever and I walk through and let go of all resistances to exposing self within self-writing.
Now, I will continue on to the points that I have been working with which are the points of not trusting myself, rushing, and wanting to be 'in control' which I see now are similar to the point of resisting writing in that they are points of self-definition within and as ego that I am not walking a manifested consequence of for having accepted and allowed to exist within and as me. I will end this segment of writing and continue on to the next point.