I just read a blog by lindsay in which she explores a dream she had in which she and I were in an agreement together. in this blog she opens up the points of attraction to myself and to matti and lauri, and exposes her secret mind and suppressed thoughts.
lately i have been facing points of self judgment- still in the process of establishing myself and stopping my existence within my secret mind- which lately seems to have been 'supercharged', as I find myself very often lost within it and completely possessed. i see now that i am facing the direct consequence of not having established who and what i am and what i allow within definitive and absolute deliberateness as an act of self will. i have been keeping backdoors open so that i am able to meander around my justifications and fears of standing up absolutely, and i have been judging myself for compromising in terms of having to 'give in' and act as a system in order to maintain my living situation with my current roomates, my job, and with the way i have set up my 'living' in general.
in the last month or so i have been experiencing the manifested result of not accepting myself within this process, and i am seeing the degree to which i depend on and reside within my secret mind wherein i am able to create alternate realities in which i am 'god' and do not have to be accountable... because i have become so addicted to creating worlds in which i actually enjoy myself and can do what i want... instead of facing my actual world, which i find currently to be abusive, untrustworthy, and fucked up. thus i am not want to remain HERE, equal to what is here, equal to what i am accepting and allowing to continue to exist HERE because of wanting and preferring to escape into my mind realities and alternate secret universes.
within reading lindsay's blog i experienced points of 'energy', and many points were triggered. i see now that i had suppressed points of being attracted to lindsay, and points of wanting to consider an agreement with her, and within her blogging this point i myself am now pulling up this secret mind reality that i have shoved back into the recesses of my secret self- which i had convinced myself it was 'alright' to do- which is bullshit and simply not acceptable as i now see the consequences that flow from this dishonesty.
i remember there were points months ago when lindsay became more active on forums and within the desteni community, i had developed an interest in her and wanted to get to know her, and i judged this interest because i was at that stage in an agreement with kelly, and instead of revealing what the point of interest or attraction was, i judged the attraction and suppressed it.
now, because of having installed this initial point of interest and attraction to lindsay, and having kept it buried and not actually looked at, there has been a compounding within myself of admiring lindsay 'from afar' and fearing to actually chat or communicate with her for fear of exposing my secret mind thoughts of attraction and interest. this is quite fucked up actually, because it would be cool to simply communicate and chat with her as an equal without any secrets or agendas going on. this kind of communication, i now find, requires dedication to self honesty and walking the point of building 'trust'... which i am now beginning to develop with kelly- though with kelly it has come 'at a price'... i had to fall within my agreement with kelly and face myself and walk through a lot of ugliness and go through a bit of 'hell' in order to correct myself and get to a point of equality with kelly, and this is still a point that requires to be walked, as it is not always 'fine and dandy' and i still have points of reaction/judgment that come up and have to be addressed.
to get back to the point of lindsay writing out her points of attraction, as i was reading i was noticing that i was getting an energetic experience within myself of validation - which i have flagged as one of my core points- wherein i often seek validation and acceptance, and especially in the form of interest from a female- this has been a point of 'weakness' for me as i am want to 'dive in' and accept the validation and attention.
in bringing this into writing i see now i have resistance and fear- i see that i do not want kelly to think 'ill' of me, and do not want lindsay to read this either... yet this very construct is what keeps us all from being equals in this world... these secret worlds that get us 'in trouble' because we try to make them more valid than what is actually here.
my experience with communicating and working with kelly throughout my process has been of immense support, yet the support is self support- i was the one who had to support myself and apply myself within it. i have now an appreciation and gratefulness for the foundation of communication i have been able, over time and dedication, to establish with kelly, and i have an appreciation of what an 'agreement' is and can be, and how vital and important it is for process to have a point of physical reference and support.
within this i have been wanting to 're-establish' an agreement again with kelly, but this is not something that is 'here' to be considered at the moment. looking deeper, i have also been considering chatting with lindsay and communicating with her more to see if an agreement may be possible with her, but have always felt guilty about it.
there have been times where i would watch her vlog or read a post from here and there would be a rush of 'i am interested and attracted to lindsay and her expression'. with vlogs there has been times where i could not actually bring myself to actually watch her vlog fully because i was resisting the point of attraction/interest and did not allow myself to watch her because of fear and suppression of this point of attraction/interest.
what this boils down to and what i see within this is that when i am not HERE, when i separate myself from SELF INTIMACY and SELF ACCEPTANCE/SELF WORTH, i am then in a mode of energetic vampirism, wherein i react to and am addicted to any attention or validation i am able to 'siphon off' from others- in this case it was lindsay's blog in which she expressed having a point of 'attraction' to her idea of me in her secret mind, which i then began to use to validate myself as well as the thoughts and attraction points i had formed around lindsay, as if her exposing her points made it okay for me to justify indulging in fantasizing about being intimate with lindsay and creating an idyllic fantasy reality in which she and i walk an agreement together and 'take on the world'.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to the blog lindsay wrote and within this to want to hide my own points of having formed attraction and interest in lindsay
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the point of self intimacy and self acceptance and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feed and support my mind with thoughts of having lindsay as a 'partner'
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to explore an agreement with lindsay based only on her having expressed a point of interest/attraction and using that to validate and support my own delusion
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing this out and sharing it because i fear what kelly may think
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to a point of wanting to establish an agreement again with kelly.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to establish a point of agreement with lindsay
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the point of agreements and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my mind and my reactions and thoughts instead of seeing what is practical and what is supportive in the moment and what is best for all within the equality equation in terms of considering an agreement with somebody.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire lindsay within my secret mind and fearing to expose this point.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to points of attraction to kelly based on memories and pictures
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to maintain secret pockets within my mind that i keep hidden from others- especially those in the desteni community