No Such Thing As "PURE Imagination”

A point that I have often placed value in throughout my life has been my ability to 'escape' into my imagination and believe that I was 'special' for being able to create vivid and 'wild' and 'robust' fantasy worlds and illusions and stories in my mind which I would find more meaningful and far more interesting and 'deep' than the actual world that is HERE.

As a child I would often be creating my own fantasy worlds, populating them with people and plots and intrigue between my imaginary cast of characters, and held an idea that I was 'destined' to be a great story teller because of how much 'depth' I thought I was putting into the richness of the stories that I would create in my mind. This point of going into my imagination and creating whole worlds and sweeping 'epic' stories and going into energetic and emotional reactions from the very stories that I myself was creating was an intoxicating experience – where I felt as though I was god and that I was creating something powerful – something that elevated and exalted me, when really I was simply addicted to the energetic and emotional charges that I would be able to drum up within myself in my mind.

The more I participated in adding more and more layers to my fantasy world, adding in more and more plots and twists and developing the characters in my mind, the more 'real' those imaginary worlds seemed, based on the amount of emotional energy that I would experience within the stories I was creating – where there would be moments in my day where I would 'tune in' to that imaginary world and get a 'rush' of excitement as I placed myself into the role of one of the lead characters and allow myself to be swept up into the story – and there I would live out and express the things that I feared to express in my 'normal life' in the context of my family and the nature of suppression that I had developed in my childhood where I had trained myself to suppress myself and maintain a control over my emotions and feelings which led to me trying to 'work out' my suppressed energies through my 'creative' mind as a way of 'releasing' the energy – but here I did not see or realize that by turning within myself and creating worlds into which I would 'charge myself up' with more emotional energies, I was in fact digging myself ever deeper into my mind and into my 'great imagination' instead of actually facing and walking through the points in my life where I was allowing myself to be directed by the mind, by the energies, and by the suppressed emotions and feelings that I did not understand and tried to control.

When I did sit down to write out and place into an actual writing the stories that I would create in my mind I would always get to a point of resistance, where I wanted to manifest the story as I had imagined it, with the emotions and energetic elements that I experienced and charged the story with, but would not be able to translate that experience into my writing, and here I would get frustrated with not being able to actually manifest in reality my 'great epic story' and would not be able to live out my idealized self-belief of my being a 'great storyteller'. Looking back now I see that I was so caught up in the story in my mind that I did not allow myself the patience and dedication and discipline to develop my skills within creative writing and within a point of ego wanted to simply 'manifest' everything instantly because that was how I had created it in my mind, which here created an initial false belief that I am somehow unable to write and unable to express that creativity through my writing. So having no 'outlet' for the 'great and epic' story that was building in my mind and not seeing the solution of LIVING and participating in my reality instead of settling for self-created worlds, I simply continued to be introverted and isolated myself from others, still not allowing myself to explore and express myself in my physical, practical world and preferring the 'solitude' of my 'private' inner mind. 

Thus the suppressed emotional energies, the reactions, the anger, the fear, and all of the charges that I would experience within me and would continually suppress rather thanexpress, became their own world inside of me, and while I thought I was being 'creative' and 'imaginative' what I had actually been doing was translating my internalized/suppressed experiences and frustrations and energetic highs and lows into stories in my mind – where I was simply taking what was already stored and compounded within me as energetic experiences and memories that accumulated throughout my childhood and compounding them and getting further addicted to the energy and emotions rather than releasing the actual points of suppression.

A moment of sarcastic common sense with Willy Wonka

Thus here I debunk and disassemble the self-belief that I have carried within myself in relation to believing that I was a 'great storyteller' and to believe that I was somehow 'gifted' with a 'great imagination' and to hold that belief about myself as a point of ego and to not look behind this self-belief and get to the actual point of separation – and see that there was nothing 'special' about the worlds that I created and that there was nothing 'epic' or 'grand' – but rather was simply me attempting to control and maintain and use the suppressed emotions and energies within me because I feared to actually live and express me in the real world, and thus relied more and more heavily on me creating worlds within myself through which to have the interactions, relationships, and experience myself in the ways that I wanted but knew would not be able to.

Self Forgiveness – Creating Stories as a Coping Mechanism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of developing real relationships and participating in my practical, physical world, instead turn my focus and attention inwards into my mind wherein I would create my own worlds and my own fictional relationships with which to interact and further define my experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in my search for more energy and stimulation and not being able to find such energy and stimulation in the real relationships in my world due to the introverted and isolationist nature that I had developed within me where I lacked the social and communication skills to develop such relationships, instead turn within myself and thus create fictional worlds and characters in my own mind in order to get my energetic 'fix'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that participation in the mind within energy is extremely addictive and to have allowed myself to become addicted to the energy that I was able to experience within myself when participating in the mind through creating thoughts, pictures, stories, and allowing extensive backchat through which I would 'charge myself up' as the 'experience' of me within myself and within this to separate myself ever more from what is actually HERE as the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of participating directly in my physical reality within developing relationships, participating in activities with others, and getting  'out there into the world', rather focus on developing internalized relationships with myself in which I would further separate myself into compartments and alternate realities where through the years I developed relationships with alternate reality versions of people and personalities that I had created in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the extent to which I have separated myself from other beings in my world through the extent to which I have isolated myself and allowed myself to delve further into my mind as my main point of interaction – where instead of interacting with this world and the people within it, I would instead interact with the worlds I would create within myself and the different voices/personalities that I would create in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the sense of 'power' that comes with being able to instantly create one's own world and be able to adopt any kind of 'personality' that one desires, within the 'privacy' of ones' mind and to not see the extent of separation that this causes within the beingness of oneself – wherein one is speaking to self within the mind using different 'voices' and energetic charges and allowing such conversations to become the primary point from which one makes decisions about one's life and one's relationship with the rest of the actual, physical world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize the manifested consequences of me splintering myself into various and multiple versions of self existing in various and multiple dimensions in which different 'lives' and different personalities are created and stored as 'me' and thus to not have a stable and accountable point of SELF that is able to walk ONE LIFE effectively and fully, having split myself up into various components and 'minds' within me, each attempting to live out it's existence, and thus creating the experience within me of conflict and friction and the perceived 'inability' to remain focused and dedicated to ONE point and to walk that ONE point fully and in detail – where I allowed myself to simply believe that I am defective and simply 'not able' to function effectively instead of seeing that I have simply been trying to live out multiple versions of myself, in multiple dimensions and alternate realities, and within this not having made a single and clear decision as to who I am, and where I stand, thus not actually standing firm in any point in specific – where the lack of a constant and firm decision creates the backdoors and justifications to constantly 'give up' and 'get overwhelmed' and to remain within the limitation and acceptance of compromising me in my actual potential in this life – which then becomes the living statement of my self-acceptances – which becomes the actual 'example' that I am setting for the rest of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and the ability to stand and face whatever is HERE in my reality by becoming addicted to backchat and the preprogrammed thoughts and reactions and experiences within me, and to attempt to correct and 'fix' or justify how I experience myself in relation to my backchat by creating and participating in MORE backchat – where I create my own world and reality and fill it with people of my own creation with which to secretly 'act out' my actual desires and indulge in self-worship of my own ego and righteousness – where in my mind I am always right and always get the desired outcome that benefits me no matter who else might have to suffer – and to justify these thoughts and pictures because apparently 'nobody gets hurt' when I to this in the secrecy of my own mind – not taking any responsibility for the accumulation of such thoughts and backchat within me or the personality and ego and self-interest that develops from allowing such a point to exist within self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my secret worlds and the illusion of 'power and control' that I am apparently able to utilize within my mind by creating my own - worlds and realities through my imagination – not seeing or realizing that I have NEVER actually been 'in control' of even my own inner realities because ALL of the internalized worlds and relationships that I have created have been the result of accumulated backchat and emotional experiences that I have compounded throughout my childhood – and the nature of my internalized worlds and creations reflect this in every way – this I was never a creator but rather a 'compressor' of energies and experiences that were ALREADY present within me – where I was simply re-packaging and suppressing what was already here and thus could not actually have been 'my' creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is even possible to create anything 'new' or 'original' within my mind as stories or alternate realities when the very foundation of my understanding and ability to perceive and process information has been absolutely defined and influenced by preprogramming and by that which was already HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that I have sold myself and abdicated myself to energy within and as the mind wherein I have allowed myself to give up what is actually REAL and already HERE as the substance of life and the potential that is here within this reality for expression and expansion, and to have blinded myself and fooled myself into accepting a version of reality as determined by my mind and the preprogrammed relationships, thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the mind consciousness system.

Self-Realizations related to Creating Stories as a Coping Mechanism

1. Allowing myself to constantly and continuously participate in creating alternate realities and worlds within my mind instead of walking, breathing, and directing myself in the actual physical reality accumulates more and more self-separation and conflict in my world.
2. The conflict and friction that I experience in my world can be seen as a reflection of the conflict and friction that I experience within myself as the various dimensions and realities that I have created within me 'clash' due to me allowing the existence of alternate realities and dimensions that are not congruent or aligned and will seek it's own fulfillment without consideration of what is best for all.
3. The experience of apparently not being able to 'walk a single point' or to stick to principle and commitment within decisions is an outflow/consequence of me not making absolute commitments within self that are aligned in all dimensions in self – thus where I experience a conflict/friction/backchat or resistance or excuse/justification – it is an indication of where I am still holding on to an alternate dimension/secret agenda that I am not allowing myself to forgive and let go of which is compromising my commitments and decisions.
4. I have spend many years in accumulating backchat and emotional experiences which I have suppressed and then compounded into alternate realities within myself – thus it is not to judge or hold a grudge against myself but to see the origin point of what I had allowed myself to suppress and compound and to forgive and release that point and walk the correction of that point in my reality as I bring all dimensions HERE to the eye of the needle as I unify myself and align myself as ONE being, where my words, actions, and commitments are absolute in all dimensions of me.

Self – Correction on Creating Stories as a Coping Mechanism

When and as I see/notice myself experiencing a point of conflict/friction within my experience of self, I STOP the voice in my head and do not allow myself to participate in internal discussions that masquerade as 'self-introspection' and rather support myself to write the point out in a self-supportive manner instead of trying to win an argument with my own mind which will only create further self-separation.

When and as I see/notice myself 'lost' within a point of daydreaming/fantasy where I am not HERE and breathing and directing myself, I STOP and investigate the 'nature' or 'essence' of the daydream so that I am able to see where I am separating myself and where I am trying to create an experience in an alternate reality because of a point that I am not living/directing in my actual reality because I see and realize that the daydream/dimensional shift is NOT good or bad and is not to be judged or resisted or suppressed, but rather are indications of where I am attempting to create something that I desire using energy instead of seeing whether or not this point is able to stand within what is best for all and whether I will be able to bring this point to a practical point of manifestation in my life.

When I see/notice myself wanting to escape a point of responsibility or see/notice myself facing a point of resistance I STOP the voices in my head that attempt to 'talk' me into a decision that may compromise me and my point of self-honesty, and support myself to walk and apply myself within a decision that is best for all – where there can be no doubt or 'debate' as to whether or not my decision is one that is able to stand the test of time.

When I see/notice myself projecting into alternate realities in which I have an idealized relationship or event or circumstance that is not actually here in my reality, I STOP and realize that I am facing a point of separation where I am trying to create what is not HERE and am not allowing myself to walk the practical process of accumulation and discipline required to manifest and make REAL and establish within myself that which exists as a 'desire' that is separate from me, and to realize and understand that any picture or idea in my mind will always consist of energy and self-interest that does not take reality into consideration and therefore will not actually be able to manifest in this reality.

When I see/notice myself 'zoning out' or going into and as reactions and backchat in my mind instead of moving myself and directing myself, I STOP the voice in my head and do not try to fight or suppress the resistance or reaction. I stop and adjust and change what is able to be changed in one breath, and that which I cannot self-honestly change in one breath, I commit to accumulating the necessary breaths to slowly but surely change as the eventuality of me, and thus allow myself the necessary discipline and application and PATIENCE to walk my life to a point of self-perfection, realizing that it took many breaths to become who and what I currently am, and will take many breaths to undo these foundations.

Redefining the Word “Imagination”

1. the faculty of imagining,  or of forming mental images  or concepts of what is not actually present to the senses.

2. the action or process of forming such images  or concepts.

3. the product of imagining;  a conception or mental creation, often a baseless or fanciful one.

4. ability to face and resolve difficulties; resourcefulness: a job that requires imagination.

Here I see the word “imagination” as I have lived it – within the context of using imagination as a means to “create mental images or concepts of what is not actually present to the senses.”

Thus I have utilized the imagination like a magician, where I-am-a-magician and able to create clever illusions that distract and present a false assumption and presentation of reality, often employing what can appear to be 'magical' means that have no evident basis on actual reality or how it functions – thus creating an 'alternate' picture of reality presented as though it were 'real' without actually showing in detail the process through which such an illusion can be achieved because that would ruin the 'spell' that the magician uses to captivate and compel the audience.

Who I am within “Imagination” as “I'm a magician”

In my life I have utilized the point of being a 'magician' in my own mind where I am able to conjure up at will all kinds of illusions and distractions to keep myself occupied and distracted from actual reality, through my imagination.

Within this point of imagination I would exploit a desire for something that I have separated myself from – whether it is a particular relationship or a particular 'feeling' or experience which I believe would make me 'happy' – and will use that desire as the justification for me to temporarily suspend my disbelief and common sense so that I am able to accept an alternate version of reality and for a moment be able to experience that point of desire through 'magically' creating such an illusion using energy in my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, and 'imagination' – where I am both the magician and the audience, feeding off of the energy of me as the captive audience and turning that energy into the illusion that I craft as the magician/imagination.

Thus I see the here of how 'imagination' is often linked and associated with 'magic' and 'fantasy' – the 'imagination/i'm a magician' point exists in relationship with the point of 'fantasy' and the idea and belief of 'magic' where things are apparently able to just 'happen' without any regard for practical physical processes within the nature of actual reality and how as a child, I had allowed myself to create such points of 'magical' worlds within myself through my imagination – where the worlds seem to 'exist' in me without any substance or actual physical effort- not seeing that the energy to sustain and create such worlds comes directly from me as the physical essence of me.

Self-Forgiveness on the Word “Imagination” and association to “I'm a magician”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize my imagination in the manner of a magician creating alternate realities and illusions which are presented as 'real', which I suspend my disbelief for in order to for a moment experience an escape from this reality when the truth and actual manifested nature of this reality cannot be escaped in any way and remains HERE while any illusion or alternate reality that is created of energy must eventually dissipate and fall and be revealed as the illusion that it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the sense of 'magic' and 'wonder' and 'fantasy' to the word 'imagination' without considering the actual and practical consequences of allowing imagination to be part of ones ability to access what is actually here as the relationships which are created in the physical yet disregarded in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a good 'imagination' is a skill or talent in and of itself without considering the long-term effects of participation in 'imagination' and the creation of concepts and ideas that are not in fact based on what is best for all in THIS REALITY but rather based upon personal interpretations and creations of alternate realities which ultimately always serve self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in 'flights of fancy' and allow myself to be 'swept away' into the excitement of stories and the idea of magic and fantasy without seeing and realizing that in such moments I am allowing myself to deliberately indulge in feeding the mind and dulling my actual senses in the physical to practically observe and see what is in fact here, where I as the magician conjure and 'enchant' myself into delusional realities that do not support me to stand HERE and rather promise illusions that will inevitably burst as the temporary bubbles that they are.

New Definition of the Word - “Imagination” → “Image and Likeness in Action”

Thus the “imagination” must be the actual “Image and Likeness in Action”, where just as a magician is able to create by understanding certain principles and relationships and manipulating/directing those principles and relationships to achieve a desired effect, we are able to utilize the same function in a practical way that supports who we all are in the walking of our process of returning to the PHYSICAL and taking back our authority and directive responsibility as the Creator, where we as the Image and Likeness of the Creator can use our “Imagination” as the “Image and Likeness in Action” - where through actual and practical ACTION we direct the principles and relationships of this reality to achieve a result that is best for all as our Creation.

We are able to, through understanding the principles of creation in this practical reality, manifest and create that which is not yet here and not yet manifest as our creation, understanding that only that which is best for all in all ways and does not harm or lead to separation or abuse, will be able to stand the test of time and thus anything that is not in alignment within what is best for all will not be able to sustain itself and will eventually fall.

In our role and responsibility as creators of this reality we are able to see that which would be best for all through self-honestly taking all into consideration as one and equal expressions of ourselves, and we are able to determine what is currently here that does not support the creation of a heaven on earth, and we are also able to see and determine what is required to be here as the infrastructure and placement that will enable the creation of a world that is best for all – and though such a world can only exist as an 'image' for the moment because it is not yet here, we put that image into the action of self-creation – through our own living actions which accumulate to a result that is mathematically equated to what is best for all.

Thus imagination is the faculty of seeing clearly as the 'image' of what is best for all and is not yet here in our practical senses, and to bring that image to action in the physical, where imagination = image and likeness of the creator in action – slowly but surely bringing HERE what exists for the moment as an 'image' of oneness and equality.

WORDS and the Power of Self Creation

At the moment I am investigating the point of words and how words are the actual 'programming language' that we use to script ourselves as the information that we are existing as. At the moment the human is a programmed biological robot that functions on information as words – which we use to define ourselves by and create the inner landscape of our minds with – and it is these words and the networks of information and pictures associated with these words that become our actual reality through our acceptance and allowance and participation with the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pictures we attach to the words that are used as the 'language of self'.

We can see this illustrated in the very first verse in the gospel of John from the “holy” bible -

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1

My understanding of this is that WORDS are the prime 'building block' of creation – they are the symbols used within the language of universal programming – meaning words are not just letters put together and then given a definition and sound to in order for people to communicate – because 'words' exist within us as thoughts – as the actual spark from which creation flows – so in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word WAS God... and still is – because words create who we are and shape our reality.

When one is not aware of the words that we are using and what contexts we have associated to these words, we are in essence allowing ourselves to be directed by entire scripts of information that have been accumulated through the years of our conditioning by family, society, media, culture, and the very nature of the mind consciousness systems that exist within and as us – and these networks of pictures and meanings and definitions as well as memories and experiences that are attached to the words of our vocabulary – the words that we use within ourselves when we 'think' and make decisions or come to realizations or conclusions – determine the outflows and specificity of the 'script' we are living as Living Words. Thus the definitions we are accepting and holding on to when it comes to the words that we program ourselves by and 'think' with determine the quality and nature of what we end up executing as our 'program' or 'script'.

In having a look at how we treat words and how we are taught words from childhood we see that we are not actually shown practical applications for words or for implementing effective definitions that are able to be lived in a way that supports us within our lives to make better decisions – rather we color the words we learn with unnecessary and cumbersome definitions often loaded with emotional, experiential, ethical/moral, or opinion based information that is not actually effective when it comes to how we live these words and how we use these words within our self-creation.

For example we can look at the word “honor”. One is able to go to a dictionary and look up the word “honor” for the literal definition of the word – but we are not taught that definition – most of us did not learn the word “honor” based on a practical and consistently applicable definition – rather we see things being described as “honorable” or we are taught to associate a certain feeling or emotional response as the sense of “honor” - and so we attach our own 'meanings' and our own definitions to this word and everybody has developed their own set of pictures, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and experiences in relation to this word “honor” - which is why when we ask several people to specifically define 'honor' they do not give a clear and consistent definition like we see in the dictionary – rather they will share what they have attributed 'honor' with and will perhaps 'describe' honor through those pictures and beliefs in order to communicate to you their definition of the word as how they live that word as themselves and the information they are currently existing as.

Thus it is important that we develop effectiveness and awareness within the words that we use and the definitions we give them because they are the words that we live, and the words that we live – the words that we accept as ourselves – are the building block of not only our own lives but of this very existence – because we are all, in a collective fashion, scripting this entire experience and if we are accepting and allowing definitions of words within us that do not support life or have been loaded with pictures and beliefs that lead one towards behaviors and patterns of destructiveness, abuse, or diminishment, then such events become part of the lived reality within this world.

For example, I am here looking at the word “mistake” and how within my life I have associated and attached so many ideas and definitions to the word that now by simply thinking the word 'mistake', automatically the network of associations and attachments come up

What is a mistake?

Firstly when I have a look at the word itself I must trace it back to the original points of attachment that I have associated to this word, because it is these associations and definitions that come up and become part of my actual experience of myself whenever I 'make a mistake' within my life – and based on how I have defined the word mistake and what pictures, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and memories I have associated to this word “mistake”, I will accordingly experience myself as well as make further decisions or go into specific reactions to this experience of 'mistake'.

For much of my life I have carried a negative and diminishing kind of definition to the word 'mistake' , such as -

1. Memories of being punished as a child when I did something 'bad'
2. Judging others for making 'mistakes'
3. Fearing to make mistakes because I do not want others to judge me the way I judge others
4. Believing that others see me as my mistakes and judge me for them
5. Believing that mistakes are “wrong” and not acceptable and are to be ashamed of
6. Believing that I am going to have to face punishment for my mistakes
7. Memories of believing self to be a 'bad person' or that something is wrong with me if I make a 'mistake'.

So here already one can see the many layers and experiences that can be attached and associated to a word, and when that word 'activates' within one's reality the entire 'network' of associations also come up within one's experience of self.

Lately I had the experience of being in a point of constant self diminishment and a sense of 'heaviness' within me that seemed to persist no matter what – and I saw that I was carrying within myself judgments and emotions and memories that were 'anchored' to the word “mistake” and “failure” - which have been words that I have heavily associated to negative experiences within and as myself as the definition of those words, as how I was living those words – which manifested within my world the experiences of heaviness, self defeat, wanting to give up, and memories within my life tied to emotional experiences of anger, frustration, and depression.

So to support myself I applied the tools within the Desteni I Process where we take the words we are currently living and applying specific self forgiveness and self corrective applications along with giving the words a 'new definition' that is no longer charged with polarity and judgments but rather become practical, common sense, and supportive words as part of the language of our programming – and in doing so I am already noticing an effect in terms of me effectively stopping the pattern of self judgment and self defeat where before I may have lingered for a long time within the experiences tied to the words “mistake” and “failure” and wallowed within those definitions as myself instead of getting to the point of effective self support and self correction and installing a 'new program' instead of running the same old pattern that has proven itself to be ineffective, unsupportive, and loaded with self diminishment, which leads to the experience and result of self diminishment instead of self correction and expansion.

So I definitely suggest that one investigate the words that one is living and to effectively support self within purifying the living words that we exist as, and as we do this we change ourselves as well as change the definitions we are accepting and allowing within our world and our reality – because as mentioned before we learn these words and take on these definitions often through the examples and acceptances of others which we then take on for ourselves – so we as stand and purify the words that we live and live that new definition, we offer that same redefinition and self-expansion to others as ourselves – and together we are able to re-write the script of this reality into one that supports all.

Desteni Artwork by Damian Ledesma

Stopping My Reliance on a False Identity

At the moment I am facing some conflict within myself – I am facing the point of self-direction and self-responsibility – which are points that I have abdicated myself within for quite some time.

It is fascinating how the mind finds reasons and excuses, dressed up as 'logic' and 'reason' which allows one to justify and excuse not taking self responsibility and allowing for one to continue existing within fear, limitation, and constant diminishment.

In looking back at the design of myself and seeing the manifested consequences of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in as my mind, I see that the life that has been unfolding before me has been pre-programmed, and that I am not actually alive or directing myself but rather simply allowing a life to happen 'to me'. I have allowed my mind's interpretation and logic to determine each and every decision I have made, as well as form the basis upon which I created myself as an 'individual' in this world – my desires, wants, preferences, and any points of 'individuality' have all been from what I have accepted and allowed within my mind. When I slow down to investigate this it is clear to see that before making a decision or moving myself to participate in something, the first thing that I tend to do is to consult with myself within my mind – fishing back through my stored memories and ideas and fears, and then based on those internal calculations I respond accordingly. This is the behavior of a robot – the behavior of a program running it's scripted patterns.

I see that within my childhood certain events occurred which I defined as 'traumatic' though in considering the greater spectrum of what is happening in this world what I experienced as a child pales in comparison to the level of abuse and suffering that takes place in this world on a daily basis. Yet I allowed myself, as my mind, as my 'consciousness', to define those moments in my life as being traumatic for me – meaning that I allowed myself to imprint within myself emotional reactions and fears which I abdicated myself to – believing that those experiences were greater than me, that I had no control, that I was a 'victim' to those experiences. Here I began to script myself within my mind, and abdicate myself as life. Within having experienced events in my life that triggered emotional experiences within me that I did not understand and did not know how to effectively diffuse, those points simply remained with me, suppressed, and eventually became a part of my actual manifested being – wherein I have actually and literally become that which I suppressed and did not let go of.

Growing up, I trained myself to hold on to my emotional reactions and bottle them up. I trained myself to 'contain' my reactions and emotions within myself – thus suppressing myself and continuously trying to 'hold myself together' and present myself as though I was fine when in fact I was emotionally unstable within myself. While I would present myself well (I believed I presented myself well) in front of others and would get validation for what a 'good' and 'well behaved boy' I was, inside me there was extensive backchat in the form of judgment, resentment, hatred, anger, and anxiety.

I see that when one exists within this kind of suppression – where there is a secret world in which one keeps all of their unresolved points, emotional instabilities, and suppressed issues, one is not able to effectively live here in the practical – physical world. Meaning while I was trying to hold myself together and not let on to anyone else what was actually going on inside me, I was not present with my actual practical living and did not actually develop as a person but rather focused on my internal reality – existing in this world for survival but doing my actual 'living' as the experience of myself inside myself – inside the world I created within myself to protect myself from a world that I had judged and feared.

I noticed that other kids would be more confident in themselves – they would express themselves somehow more 'fully' – and particularly when it came to physical activities – I noticed that I was not as active as other kids. This lead me to reinforce the self definition that I am 'different' and that I am not 'normal' – that there is something 'off' about me which I didn't understand and did not know how to communicate to others because at the same time I was afraid of what others would think.

Growing up I would often move back and forth between Taiwan and the US – often in the middle of a school semester. In school I did not develop a point of directing myself within learning. I did not do my homework assignments and did not do well with paying attention – and I see that it was not a learning disability that prevented me from being an effective student – I see that I was not HERE with myself – and I was still busy within my internal world – holding myself together and trying to make sense of my experience of myself – and was simply not interested in what was going on in class. As I would move back and forth from Taiwan to the States I would miss out on blocks of schooling – and points such as math fundamentals and general school studies were neglected. I see how I allowed this to adversely affect my ability to keep up with school later on – as I seemed to be struggling with basic points and did not have a desire to do well because I had already accepted that I was just 'not a good student' and that I am just not 'smart enough' and never will be. I resented school for 'making me' feel inferior and stupid – I blamed school for my own self-judgment and thus sought to spite school by becoming rebellious in my own way – deciding that I did not need school and that school was not going to actually teach me anything useful – so here I separated myself from school and learning and blamed the school system instead of realizing that I was holding on to self limitations which had their root back during my early childhood.

Through the years I had simply kept on bottling up my issues within myself and had developed a personality/ego which allowed for me to keep these issues suppressed. I developed personalities to exist as, as a coping mechanism so that I did not have to face those points again and convinced myself that I was 'normal' just like 'everyone else' even though I knew within self honesty that I was not actually the person that I would present myself as.

What I am seeing now is that no matter what, the issues that I suppress and separate myself from will always be with me until I myself walk through them and prove to myself that I can stand – that those fears and anxieties are not in fact real – and are only chunks of unresolved emotional/thought charges which I have stored within myself as my physical body and never allowed myself to deal with – thus these patterns will continue to re-emerge within my life. And as long as I keep listening to my mind – to the ego/personality that I have created to protect myself from my past within fearing the past, I will only go deeper and deeper into suppression and diminishment.

Thus I will myself to support myself through writing, self-investigation, and corrective application to strip away the layers of my self created walls – and release myself of fears, anger, and unreleased charges that I have been carrying and holding on to and defining myself as through self-forgiveness and realize that I am in fact not my mind – that I do not require to make decisions out of fear and limitation. That I am able to direct myself in each moment and in each decision to ensure that I place myself in a position at all times that will accumulate to what is best for all instead of limiting myself within my own insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as stupid, defective, and incompetent instead of slowing down to investigate what I have been holding on to and what I have been afraid of facing which has prevented me from being here and developing myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being unworthy and stupid because of not doing well in school instead of slowing down and realizing that the issue is not that there is something wrong with me – and simply that I did not understand what was going on within myself and that I did not develop the ability to effectively process information and instead allowed fear, stress, and anxiety to override my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously judge myself and give up on myself and accept myself as a failure instead of realizing that whatever it is that I would like to do or become, there is a way to become it if I apply myself effectively, which requires that I let go of my uncertainties and doubts and simply do what is necessary to be done to accumulate the desired outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within myself and believe that I am not in control of my life and that there is just something wrong with me that I cannot fix, which has been the excuse and justification that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in so that I do not in fact realize myself as life and change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my past and that my past defines me and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on fear of my past and anger/resentment of myself instead of making decisions within self-acceptance and self-honesty to ensure that I am actually working with myself and caring for myself instead of making decisions based on trying to 'hold myself together' and surviving as the personality/ego that I have created/constructed to protect me from my own suppressed issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to the ego/personality that I have created as a defense mechanism to protect me from what I judged to be too big for me to handle instead of realizing that I am fully capable and ready to take on my past and release myself/forgive myself of my fears and limitation and that I do not in fact require to exist as a personality in order to 'get by' and 'keep myself together'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value within the ego/personality that I have created in order to hide myself behind and to believe that I AM this self-constructed ego/personality who's function is only to prevent myself from actually seeing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself and resist facing the moments in my life where I diminished myself and allowed myself to go into fear and self-doubt, and within this fear and resistance to face myself in self honesty and self acceptance to feed and maintain my ego/personality as a way to not reveal myself to others so that they do not see and find out about how I actually experience myself, because I do not want to actually see and experience myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from who I am as here, as life, as the simplicity and magnificence of what is here within and as the physical and to instead lose myself within the mind by participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions, and defining myself by my past as picture images and imprinted fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for the survival of myself as the ego/personality of Joe Kou which I have crafted and intentionally created to not have to take responsibility for myself and face myself and direct my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my preferences, likes, dislikes, opinions, beliefs, and experiences when in self honesty I see and understand clearly that these are no in fact real and genuine expressions of me as life, but are the programmed and designed functions of an ego that I have hidden myself behind – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself and to manipulate myself and others in my world into accepting the ego/personality that I have been creating, maintaining, generating, and trying to 'hold together' as a shell to prevent myself and others from actually seeing me because I have judged and separated myself from me.

I stop. I walk this process not to hide anymore. I walk this process to birth myself here as the physical where there is no more fear or limitation within myself, so that I stand absolute as life without secrets or hidden agendas which render me untrustworthy and deceptive – which leads to deliberate abuse and manipulation out of self-interest/fear/survival.

I am here with myself and I cannot and will not abandon myself. I do not and will not give up on myself as life as that which I have always been, as that which as always been here but has been suppressed by what I have accepted and allowed myself participate within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions which are based on energy and thus not sustainable or real and must continuously be fed in order to be maintained.

I will myself to take responsibility for my life and stop fearing what I have accepted and allowed within myself and realize that I am here no matter what and that no matter what happens I have self honesty and self forgiveness.

I see and I understand that I cannot keep hiding from myself and that the person that I have been trying to live as is not real and has only been a device that I have been using/abusing to hide myself behind instead of actually daring myself to live and express myself unconditionally.

I see and I understand that the stress and fear and anxiety are not who I am as life and are showing me that I am trying to be something that I am not in an effort to protect myself because I believe I am inferior or unable to face/accept/correct myself – thus the fear and anxiety reveal me to me as self honesty. Thus when I experience fear and anxiety I bring myself back to myself an allow myself to see and realize what I am participating in in that moment which brings up the experience of stress/fear/anxiety and I release myself from what I am trying to hold on to/protect myself from because there is nothing in fact to fear other than my own self-dishonesty – and even my self-dishonesty is not to be feared because it is simply me not accepting myself – not loving myself enough to make the effort to change and let go of my fears.

So yes I am facing conflict in my life and instead of running away and trying to use my ego/personality to protect myself from my own past and my own fears, I stand and will not allow myself to doubt myself or separate myself from what I have accepted and allowed. I realize and understand that it is never personal and that I simply require to forgive myself and re-educate myself instead of allowing fear and ignorance as justifications and limitation. I see and understand that we are all walking this same process and that it is not about guilt or shame or blame – because we are all in this together equal and one.

Here i do not blame or judge myself or my mind - but stand equal and direct the point as equal to myself - no judgment or condemnation.  So I stop, I breathe, I support myself and let go of who I thought I was and I peel off layer by layer the walls I have placed around myself – and I embrace the self that I have been hiding as I continue to make myself whole again.

Equality Rant 20 - Human Nature and the Equal Money System

Myself as my mother and father and self forgiveness on self definitions

Having a look at my tendency to 'clam up' and withdraw within myself.

I have the pattern of withdrawing from the world, from the people in my environment, and from my surroundings in general whenever a possible situation presents itself that may place me at a point of requiring to trust myself, apply myself, direct my world, or 'stand up'.

My memory of this goes back to my childhood- remembering all the times that I had held on to the memory of my mother beating or yelling at me- how I would withdraw within myself in order to hide from her- knowing that there was no physical place I could run to or hide in when my mother was angry and scolding me/disciplining me.

My mother is not to blame here. My mother is myself. I as my mother was attempting to instill in me that which she wanted to instill within herself. My mother wanted to 'fix' within me what she wanted to fix within herself. And since I am a copy of my mother's system design, it is pointless to attempt to blame or judge my mother- as I am exactly a copy of her and my father's system designs- thus I was the one abusing myself within my mother abusing me.

Much was revealed within how my mind has drawn upon my experience growing up and being raised by my mother during my visit with Lindsay- many points were opened up and revealed in terms of how much and how deeply my self programming has been influenced by my childhood and by the system manifestations within my mother and certainly my father as well- though I do not have any experiences to draw from or refer to in terms of my father since he died before I was born. Regardless, I am an exact copy and mixture of my mother and father's system designs, and there is no point in attempting to blame 'them'.

So- to bring it back to self- I as my mother was trying to protect me from her own fears, trying to give me the life that she wanted to have, wanting to stop within me the systems that she wanted to stop within herself. Being an exact copy, I reminded her and reflected to her her own points of self judgment (as all judgment is SELF judgment).

Thus I must forgive myself AS my mother – and to be clear in not attempting to 'fix' the past or to shift blame and responsibility- but to actually stand AS my mother and to fully see and consider who and what she had accepted herself as and to stand within the realization that her system constructs are not the truth of who she is- and to forgive self AS my mother within realization that I am an exact copy of those system designs, thus I AM those system designs within my mother as myself.

I had spoken self forgiveness on this point and it has assisted me within releasing myself from some of the self definitions and judgments. I place some here-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not my mother in terms of me being a completely 'unique' person who has 'free will' to be and become whom I wish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my mother within resentment and blame and within judging her as being an ineffective parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent and judge my mother for being a 'failure' and not worthy enough to be held in dignity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal AS my mother in fully considering who and what she had become over the years of her life within the programming and predesign of her life within the matrix system- completely becoming possessed by ego and mind consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for my mother to be dead in order to not actually face who and what I am within the context of my relationship to my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent and judge my mother within blaming my childhood experience and judging my childhood experience as bad and abusive.

I forgive myself that I as my mother abused and judged me myself as her son within not considering that we are in fact equal and that I am reflecting to my mother the points she required to face within herself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my mother to project my points upon my son instead of realizing that all of my judgments and reactions are trigged and created within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the judgments and projections that I experienced my mother projecting and subjecting me to and as within my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go and actually forgive my mother as myself one and equal and to continue to hold a grudge against her, in resentment of the points within myself that she as my mother are showing and reflecting back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and justify why she cannot be trusted within holding on to my own resentment and fear of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must defend myself or else my mother will harm/abuse me in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must hide/deceive others and to never allow them to see into me or become aware of who I am or what am experiencing within myself because they will exploit or use it against me somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust people in the world and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'incompetent' and 'defective' and 'ineffective' based on the self image and self definitions that I had taken on within compounded experiences over the years of my existence as 'joe kou'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself and believe myself to be the limitations and self definitions that I integrated during my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to continue blaming my mother or my upbringing or my environment or the other people in my life instead of bringing it back to the point of self and what self will or will not accept from this moment on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept myself as 'weak' and requiring to hide and deceive and manipulate in order to 'survive'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instill within myself over the years of my childhood the fear of myself, doubt of myself, lack of self trust within myself that has informed and influenced my patterned and self accepted behaviors into adulthood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry within and as myself the points that my mother and father carried and to desire to be rid of them or to blame my parents because I have them- instead of realizing that I am my mother and father- manifested here as an exact copy of their system designs- and thus I must take responsibility for myself to remove these patterns within myself as my mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself or anyone in this reality and to use the tactic of manipulation, dishonesty, and compromise in order to 'survive'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as one who 'cannot be trusted' because I fear to do to others what I believe my mother did to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim to my mother's method of raising me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may do to others what my mother did to me and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother did something to me that I am not able to let go of and change and forgive myself for and move on from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard myself as always being 'stuck' as the self definition of a 'failure' in the same way that I had judged my mother to be a 'failure'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unique and that my mother was fucked up and that it was her fault within how she raised me that I now I have points which require to be corrected... and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the defense mechanisms that I had installed for myself in order to protect myself from the threats that I saw my mother as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fix my relationship with my mother instead of simply remaining here as the integration and living word expression of self forgiveness and self acceptance within taking personal responsibility to stop these patterns within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply run and isolate myself from my mother so that I do not have to face my points of blame, resentment, and separation which I had formed around my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hide within my self definition of being 'not good enough' and 'incompetent' and to not see that these are points that were programmed within me since birth- and are core points copied from my mother and father which must be corrected here in the physical and that it is nothing 'personal' and that I am not actually doomed to remain as these self definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hide within my self definitions of being not good enough and 'incompetent' in order to not actually stand as the self correction and self forgiveness of myself and my mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within my process of letting go of my self definitions within holding on to the desire to 'prove my mother wrong' and desiring vindication for the victimization I allowed myself to feel and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hold on to my self definition of 'not good enough' and 'incompetent' so that I am able to continue to manipulate others in to 'going easy on me' and giving me special consideration and accomodating my self limitations and validating my self definitions so that I do not actually have to let go and simply depend on others feeling sorry for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within hold in to the self definition of 'not good enough' and 'incompetent', seek to not stand out and purposefully not apply myself at my fullest potential out of fear that I am going to fail or be rejected or have to face actually having to stand up and apply myself and trust myself in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within holding on to the self definition of 'not good enough' and 'incompetent' to have purposefully sabotaged my participation within school, hobbies, interests, projects, relationships, and jobs so that I am able to remain 'mediocre' and not have to actually attain achievement and progress so that I may remain within the comfort of being the self definition and limitation of 'not good enough' or 'incompetent'.

I don't have 'Mommy Issues'. I have 'Mommy Libraries'.

Judgment is NEVER valid.
Thought is NEVER valid.
Emotion is NEVER valid.
Comparison is NEVER valid.
Fear is NEVER valid.

It is the above mentioned things that completely INVALIDATE life.

Last night I was having a chat with Kelly... and once again a point within myself had come up and I had tried to suppress it. However, this time I was observing the movement and the pictures that were coming up within me, and watching the judgment and the thoughts and the emotions as the swelled up and I felt myself wanting to give in and allow myself to be completely possessed by the points- which in a sense I did give in to by the act of me becoming extremely silent and still... as though holding in some ancient and putrid fart that I did not want to air out and was content to bottle up within my deepest, darkest, most secret bowels.

Kelly had mentioned some points related to having progress in terms of being able to have a 'relationship' with her mother in which more and more she is not having to compromise herself and is able to speak directly and communicate directly with her mother whereas before there would be massive resistance, reactions, dishonesty, and mind contructs in the way.

As kelly shared her experience of how she is now able to even 'hang out' and enjoy the presence of her mother, within me began to build a massive point of self judgment and self comparison- because I do not have anything like that with my mother, whom I am still having many points of resistance, resentment, and blame toward, and see now that the self forgiveness that i had applied did not go into enough specificity for me to walk through those resistances. I see that i am still holding on to my past, identifying myself with 'painful memories' which i have come to accept as a part of who i am, which i have manifested myself as over the years of my life. I have resistance to facing my mother and standing as who i am. i have compounded within me so much fear and anxiety in regards to my mother- built up over years and years and years of resentment, fear, anger, hatred, blame, and victimization, all of which i had placed upon my mother as an external force that when i was younger had accepted as infallible and supreme even when she was incorrect about something... and i see how i have still carried this point into my adult life... still seeing myself as 'small' and not able to be heard or considered an equal to the almighty idea of my mother, the 'god' of my childhood universe, who reigned over me and played the role of grand disciplinarian.

Within this reaction and self judgment i see that i envy kelly for having walked through her own points and being able to establish a clear starting point within her communication and relationship with her mother- something that i do not see i am able to have- and within this i see that i am the one who is preventing this from being possible. in having a self honest look at it, i see that i am the one who is not letting go of the blame, letting go of the grudge, the resentment, the victim-hood that i have identified myself as and accepted myself as.

in writing this out i see that i am NOT the idea/belief of victim-hood that i have built up over the years- because this idea is able to be stopped and deleted and i am able to remain here.

i am not ANY of my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, or opinions... they are the result and product of what i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as- throughout my maturing process- repeating the same patterns of fear and inadequacy on my own even after i ran away from home.

This brings me to where i am now. I am now readying myself to move out of california and to PA, where I will be staying and working/studying with Kelly. This brings up the point for me of 'running away' from all the things i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am not able to handle or address or face. this brings back my fear that i am once again trying to flee from what i am- seeking to be 'rid of' my circumstances and my environment, and the externalized 'unfair, unjust, uncaring' world that i see and accept as 'bigger than me', which i feel 'victimized' by and powerless to stand up to. it is the exact same pattern from when i was a child, being raised by my mother- how utterly powerless i felt when she would get angry at me, scold me, beat me, make remarks about me in her fits of anger... all of which i downloaded and accepted... and then continued to play out into adulthood.

so here i am having a look at where i stand in all of this... and i am seeing all of my weak points... all of my 'soft spots'. i am seeing just how far i have abdicated myself over to fears and accepted myself entirely as inadequate in this reality, and how i sought out refuge within my mind- creating worlds of fantasy in which i was not only protected, but invulnerable to the constant insecurity and fear that i experienced as a child.

"mommy issues"... i do not have mommy issues. i have mommy libraries full of mommy issues, upon which are written the words, upon which are printed the pictures, of each and every thought and emotion related to who i am within the context of my mother and my upbringing. issues upon issues- in the library of information that is Joe Kou as who I have existed as within and as my mind.

this is an extensive point... and will require that i pull everything out and really dig into. and here i am at this moment immediately faced with a resistance to do just that... a resistance to free myself and forgive myself... a resistance to let go of these painful reminders of how i have abdicated myself... resistance to actually let go of all of these issues because for so many years now i have defined myself by them... seen myself as the 'product' of them... accepted myself as these memories and fears and compounded experiences within my mind... resistance to let go of the excuses and justifications that these patterns apparently allowed me to participate in and exist as. excuses excuses... excusing myself from the table of self honest, self willed existence in this reality... excusing myself to sulk away from all life. this is not acceptable.

my mind is running... my defense programs have activated and i am seeking ways to distract myself now... blanking out and not wanting to continue typing.

the self judgment is NOT valid. it is not real and can only be lived as real within my own acceptance of it. i am the only one who is able to validate my judgments because i am the only one that determines what i accept and allow as who i am. and the plain fact of the matter is that i am HERE and i exist independent of how i think i am, what i judge myself to be, or how i feel about myself. regardless of any of those elements i remain existing here as a physical being- thus no judgment is ever actually valid in terms of determining how i am to experience myself. by the plain fact that i can look down with my physical eyes and always see myself HERE, i am HERE and no proof or further validation is necessary.

I have many many many layers to go through- to walk through. I have many many points in which i have abdicated myself as life and now must bring myself back together, and face my greatest fears here in the actual and physical reality so that i am able to stand and be certain that i am able to be trusted with life and will not abuse, and through the test of time i must remain standing to prove that i walk HERE, not in my mind.

I am already "fallen"... now is the time to establish how to stand and stop falling. thus it is not relevant that i am not standing 'already'... and in chasing this idea that i am supposed to be able to stand will not help. i can only stand by standing, not wishing or hoping or judging myself about it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'already be standing' and to not have any points come up within me

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and participate within the thought/reaction of 'if a point comes up, then it means i am not applying myself and that means i am not going to make it in this process'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'failing' at something that i have not yet mastered

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear other seeing me as having points in which i am still not the directive principle of and thus not worthy of being trusted with life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be acceptable and validated by others so that i am able to continue holding on to my resentments, fears, secrets, and dishonesty.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother simply will not hear me or consider me as an equal and will only ever remain as the mother matrix programming.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be envious of kelly for her relationship with her mother.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire for kelly and lindsay to read this and to see me as these words of self writing and self forgiveness and to not see me as who i am, as a being still in process and still dealing with these points, wanting them to see only the surface veneer and not who i am

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to read my words and to accept me "as i am" so that i do not have to actually expose and investigate myself and continue to secretly hold on to my secret mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself HERE and to direct myself effectively within common sense and self honesty in each breath.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to manipulate and deceive with my words in order to gain validation and acceptance from others who may be reading.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself by accepting myself as beliefs, opinions, judgments, and personality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself within accepting and allowing myself to participate in beliefs of morality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to my mother as an equal, and letting go of who and what i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as within fear, inferiority, and dependency.

i STOP.

i do not accept as myself the belief of fear, inferiority, inadequacy, dependency as being real or valid in any way, and i will not longer allow myself to participate in any such thoughts or emotions. i am able to stop this in a moment by breathing and moving self HERE as a self willed action, to LIVE this statement of STOP.

this brings me to the current moment as of this writing. i see that i require to go deeper into the specifics but i will soon be picked up by my mother. i will be spending the night at her place and will stay for 'thanksgiving' the next night. i will tell her of my plans to move out of california and to live in PA to work and study with Kelly.

i will update this when i get back.

"Unworthiness"? Yeah, we go waaay back

It is clear that my application in regards to stopping my accepted constructs of "unworthiness" and "incompetence" have not been effective or specific enough.

So... I am going to go back and pin down where this is coming from and why I am facing it so intensely lately.

My recollection of being "unworthy" comes from my upbringing as a child under the care of my mother, who was an abusive parent. I accepted and allowed a lot of emotional and physical abuse while she raised me. Within this, there have been many moments where I have been told that I was a "mistake", that I am a "failure" or "stupid".

There were times when each and every day, I was scolded and berated for long periods... sinking in all of the anger from my mother... sinking in all of the judgment. Taking it all into myself and becoming it... actually letting the words and the heated emotions behind them drive into my body and reside there, where I as a child under my mother's care had no outlet... had no means of expressing the pain and anger I was consuming.

Within this, I abdicated myself over to being a "failure"... accepting that I would always be in the "wrong", that I would always be scolded and called all kinds of demeaning names by my own mother, who apparently "knows me best". I accepted the resentment, the regret.

This acceptance grew within me... compounding as me... growing as I grew into adulthood... one and equal within and as my very being. I could do nothing right... I would always need her to correct me and scold me because I could not ever be "right". I could not ever be effective on my own... something was functionally "wrong" with me.

In several areas of my life, i stopped "progressing". I saw my friends "grow" into their lives and move within the world... getting their licenses to drive, getting jobs, going to college, living life. I did not do any of those things. I was not "given" those things and therefore did not allow myself to have them.

by the time i was 22 and still living at home with my mother... dreading each and every day of being in her presence... hating myself and the image i had become... deliberately sleeping in and staying up late at night so as to reduce the time i would actually have to be around her... i decided that i could not continue.

i decided that i would rather die on the street without support from her or anyone rather than depend on her for my survival in this world. and with that decision, i set up a situation for me to run away from home... and leave my little sister behind.

at 23, i was "homeless". I stayed at the house of a friend... slept on a couch in their living room or on a chair in their computer room, or on the floor. i did this for months, living off of the charity of my friends. eating what i could, when i could.

and then finally moving out into a house with other friends... where i set up a "room" for myself in the living room (there were not enough rooms for me). I hung up fabric sheets to be my "walls". I lived there for about a year, in a fabric walled cube in the living room. I ate crackers and ramen noodles. I would sometimes steal small bits of food from grocery stores because i didn't have any money.

after that, i moved into another house... again the situation arose where the other roomates had jobs and cars... and i didn't... and there weren't enough rooms for all of us. so we constructed a room for me in the garage (car park). we build a makeshift room out of wood wall panels bought from a supply store. and i stayed in that garage through winter and summer. i found a job... and walked to and from work each day.

now, i am in the same house, though i am now properly renting a room. i have a bed, i have amenities, i have clothes, i have food, i have income, i have a computer, i have books and several things to entertain me.

by most accounts i have "succeeded" in standing up... in forcing myself... in supporting myself.

yet i only got to where i am from the charity of friends. i got to where i am from allowing others take care of things for me. i got to where i am NOT by standing up for myself but by making OTHERS do it.

Ever since i removed myself from my mother and any support she would have given, I have been tumbling... completely cut off from any stability. she was the sole stability within my life.... she was the only "source" of support for my survival in the world... but i could not let myself live under her... i could no longer stand not standing, and taking more of her abuse. i fled and ran away.

and i have been running ever since, really. i have been running from the fear... the utterly paralyzing construct of me being "defective"... me being "unable to support myself"... "unable to live properly in this world like others do".

within my life i have wanted to do great things... accomplish great things... manifest great creations of self expression... but have always failed... have always petered out just before the end like a candle snuffed before it's time.

why? i have so completely become the manifestation of my fears... so completely and physically manifested as "incompetence" and "unworthiness"... and "procrastination" as well as "ineffectiveness". it is who and what i am in my physicality... and it has been the general pattern of my life.

if i am to make any real change... this construct... at it's very core... must be faced. i must stand. just as i could not let myself live within the boundary of my mother's abuse... i cannot let myself live under the acceptance of this fear.