Today I had experienced myself as being lethargic and lazy, and did not experience myself as being self-directed or 'motivated'. I experienced myself still having symptoms of a cold, my body was sore, and my nose was either running or would be stuffed up. Within this I did not want to over exert my physical body by going to the gym with Lindsay in the morning and opted to stay home. I got on the computer and did some research, and then went out to the store to buy some food for the blood type diet which I am now beginning to test out.
While going shopping and bringing home the food and cooking for myself, I enjoyed the 'freedom' and self-movement of supporting myself by getting food and taking the time to prepare and cook a meal for myself – eating foods that will support my physical body.
Later after Lindsay got back from the gym, I started to experience the point of lethargy – and of a general 'laziness'. I was upstairs catching up on desteni videos and began to fall asleep – and breathing and walking around did not assist me in shaking off the 'low energy' feeling. I went downstairs and chatted with Lindsay for a bit. She mentioned perhaps we can go out to a cafe and hang out, but as we chatted I felt the lethargy dissipate and decided to resume what I was doing upstairs.
It was then that I began to look at this point of lethargy and 'low energy' as well as experiencing self being 'lazy' – and what I saw was that I was comparing my productivity today with yesterday, and wanting to keep the same momentum – of moving through points, going out, doing things, facing resistances, hanging out with Lindsay and enjoying self within all of that from a starting-point of energy – 'feeling good' about getting stuff done as well as experiencing excitement over our new puppy. I see that I wanted to hold on to that energetic 'high' and within that I was now experiencing the polarity – the inevitable and assured crash that follows all energy.
Seeing that I required to get to the root of this, I went upstairs and starting writing – allowing self to type out the secret mind chatter and 'ranting and raving' until I was clear – and as the energy dropped and I was seeing what I was participating in, the points became clear.
I saw how I was experiencing a point of 'energy withdrawal' – and within this was STILL participating within and as energy – only this time in the form of being 'low' and 'lazy' and 'unproductive' – which is a very sneaky/deceptive system where for a while I felt as though I did not have any energy and was becoming frustrated with self for not directing self, when in fact I was busy in my mind holding on to the excitement of yesterday and actually still using energy to create the experience of 'lethargy' and 'laziness'.
It is fascinating how the mind is able to 'dress up' such points – and shows that the mind is never interested in actual answers or support, and is only ever interested in getting self to participate within energy to keep the mind going – to keep the ego entertained and busy. It actually TAKES ENERGY to experience self as having 'no energy' and being 'lethargic'!
Also relevant here is the point of comparison – judging self to be 'not doing enough' or 'not supporting self' in order to participate in the feeling/experience of lethargy and 'laziness' – feeding the experience of self-judgment and within that actually locking self into a mode of not being HERE and simply being stuck in a self-created 'pity-party'.
Thus to realize that any/all points of reaction/emotional experience within and as self are generated within the mind – that it is never an actual real experience within and as the physical – but rather a condition created within participating within energy and thoughts that is then layered upon the actual practical living reality and one then 'steps into'.
So it was cool to support myself within not accepting the experience as self – to not allow self to remain within that point of lethargy wherein I am blaming self as well as the world for what was going on within myself – all the while being the one who is ultimately responsible for what is going on within me and having the ability to stop it.
In those moments of possession one does not see the full 'back story' and is simply lost within the experience – whether it is despondency, laziness, frustration, impatience, depression, anger, or even joy /happiness. Thus it is cool to write points out and see them for what they are and dismiss them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to recreate the energetic high and excitement from yesterday, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within creating the energetic high within 'feeling good' about myself for moving through points and 'taking things on' – creating within this a 'drama' layered upon the actual events.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within energy-withdrawal and wanting to re-live the moments of enjoyment from yesterday.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by experiences and memories of the past
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'I am not doing enough' and 'I am not moving fast enough' within comparing self to memory/experience from yesterday.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as creating an experience for self as mind/ego within allowing the experience of 'lethargy' and 'laziness'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound within me the point of feeling lethargic and lazy because Lindsay is here and believing that she is seeing me as that point of lethargy and laziness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard how I do support myself within the physical by going into and accepting the thought of 'I am not doing enough'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a picture/belief of what 'doing enough' should look like, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to and become dependent upon the energy within 'feeling good/self satisfied'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 'feeling' a certain way in order to accept myself within self-acceptance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the experience of 'laziness' and 'lethargy' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further judge myself as being 'lazy' and 'lethargic'.
I stop. I breathe. I support myself through writing and self forgiveness and do not allow self to participate within the thought/belief that I am 'not doing enough' and that I 'should be doing more' from a starting point of ego and energy addiction.
No comments:
Post a Comment