sharing some points that came up today -
Today there has been an opening-up and a sense of self-enjoyment, getting to know and appreciating Lindsay - not participating in energy - facing points within the physical and not within the mind.
Last night, i noticed a point of 'gentleness' and 'enjoyment' begin to unfold within my experience with Lindsay - pushing through resistances and energetic friction that i had participated in through the beginning moments of arriving here - facing the actual self and for a moment allowing self to become 'overwhelmed' by the points that were coming up - points that had been 'buried' and suppressed - points that i had created to be 'bigger than self'. i see that there does not require to be any energy or pressure within walking through a point and living the corrective application - that when taking on something that has not been faced before it is alright to initially stumble and 'fall' and not immediately push through - and within this to not allow self to give up no matter what.
what i see is that within this application i am able to assist and support myself within being 'in the line of fire' where it seems like there is no way out, when it seems like everything is looping over and over without any 'progress' or change in sight - to not hold on to the memories and energy around having to face a point repeatedly and not allowing self to participate in self-judgment and reacting to my own reactions - thus creating further layers of compounded energy that must be walked through.
a point that i had been 'struggling' with has been the point of opening up and sharing myself - which i applied myself within doing the other night, pushing self to share self, expose self, speak self, and stand 'naked' and vulnerable - and i see that since pushing self over and over even while continuously 'failing' and going into resistance and lock-down, there came a point of actually doing it - actually moving self past the layers and the energy - and opening up/sharing.
since that night, i have experienced a point of 'comfortableness' while hanging out with and walking my agreement with Lindsay - 'getting to know' her and getting comfortable sharing myself with her, being vulnerable with her, and appreciating her as i allow self to get comfortable with self, and appreciate self within self-intimacy.
i experience quite a 'shift' within enjoying myself and having fun taking on points and walking self through resistances and anxieties - facing self within the understanding that i am NOT my limitations or self-definitions. and within this allowing myself to laugh at/with myself when points come up and in that moment bringing self back HERE and simply moving within practicality in the moment instead of trying to figure it out within and as the mind, allowing self to do things in the 'spur of the moment' and not allowing self to hide/remain within limitation and resistances - breathing and letting go of memories, desires, fears, and allowing self to participate HERE and face the points i have suppressed.
throughout the day i experienced myself enjoying myself - being 'easy' with myself, allowing self to relax - and within this i experienced a point of enjoyment with lindsay - getting to know her, and appreciating her, walking with her and moving through points together without the fuss of energetic reactions, lock-downs, or blame that had been my personal experience in the beginning days since moving in, and seeing the simplicity of not allowing self to enter the mind - and living the realization that the solution is always HERE right in front of us.
today Lindsay and I got a new addition to our household - a boston terrier which we named "beast". as we walked together through the point of getting a new puppy and making the dedication and commitment to care for another being, i saw myself open up even more - and experienced a gentleness and stability within being here with Lindsay and our tiny new companion.
beast has assisted me greatly within reflecting back to self the point of unconditional expression and vulnerability as well as the point of self-enjoyment - seeing her run around, sleep, yawn, pee, lick, scratch, bite whatever is here in the moment as well as seeing her shaking and taking trembling, fearful steps as she explored her new environment, away from her siblings and parents, away from the 'home' she had been in and being put into a 'new situation' - all of which mirror back to me my own experience of moving here to Portland - including the shaking and trembling. within me taking responsibility for another being and assisting beast so that she can be comfortable here and express herself without fear or stress, i 'embodied' the point of not allowing self to become stressed, and allowing self to be gentle and patient with self and saw that i had actually assisted myself as i was trying to assist beast.
my experience since has become much more relaxed - and as points come up i have been able to share them and not go into self-judgment or lock-down - which i did not 'think' i would be able to do 'so quickly'.
within this i see the importance of not adding any more energy or value to my experience - that what i experienced today is what i experienced today. it was a practical, effective, and enjoyable day - and i do not allow myself to hold on to or create stories that it will 'always be like this' - within which i am creating the possibility/certainty of polarity - wherein i experience an energetic 'low' and face a time-loop.