Thursday, February 3, 2011

Living the Change

Okay this is still a 'fresh' point that i am working on, but will share what is here in the moment as far as i am seeing currently.

Today i was faced with a point of self-judgment and self-comparison, wherein i experienced myself wanting to 'fit in' and change myself in order to be 'liked' by another - within a desire to be accepted, validated, appreciated, and loved by somebody else and within this wanting to live up to a picture presentation of what i think the other would want - willing to abdicate and compromise self within to become a personality design/system in order to experience acceptance and intimacy from another - which here indicates that there is an abdication of self-intimacy and self-acceptance.

also there was a point of not wanting to be 'socially awkward' in front of the person that i wanted affection/validation/acceptance from - wanting to 'prove myself' and wanting to become 'acceptable' and 'attractive' to the other - here abdicating self and seeking on the outside what i am not allowing myself to give myself - expecting that somebody out there is able to give this sense of self-acceptance and self-intimacy to me and disregarding/spiting self.

within experiencing the points of social awkwardness and the points of wanting to become acceptable/attractive to another, i supported myself with spoken self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements, and did not allow self to remain within that space of defining myself within and as limitation and inferiority and taking it personally within experiencing another has having a resistance to me and does not want to participate/share themselves intimately with me, and seeing how i am the one CREATING these instances of 'inferiority' by comparing self to others, wanting for acceptance/validation, and then going into self-judgment because i am not or cannot live up to the picture ideal image that i think another wants me to be in order for them to like me, which then leads to further self-judgment for being a 'failure' or 'not good enough'.

in making a definitive stand within me to not accept or allow self to limit self within desiring to change or become something that better fits the preferences and 'personal tastes' of another - i saw how foolish it is to actually want to tailor to somebody's pre-programmed 'preferences' and personality traits in order for me to experience acceptance - because this very act is saying "I want to make myself attractive to the pre-programmed preferences of a personality that is not real and is made up of thoughts and pictures laden with values and meanings that are not part of the actual physical world, so that i may experience a point of acceptance/validation"

a point i realized is that the other - from whom i was wanting affection/validation - is not actually resisting ME, but rather is facing a point within self - and the same applies for me - all that i am seeking from another, i am in separation from. Thus within this I did not accept or allow myself to take anything personally and let go of all points of wanting to be a good 'match 'or 'companion/ to the other's system design, realizing that such preferences ONLY exist within the limitation of personality/ego/mind, and thus the other being would only be 'liking' that which validates and feeds their own point of self-definition, seeking for person that 'fit just right' in terms of their preferences and specific attractions.

thus walking the commitment to not stifle self, judge self, allow self to exist within and as limitation/inFEARiority - separating self from self-intimacy and self-acceptance.

More to continue

No comments:

Post a Comment