Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Getting back on the bike

There have been MANY points that have been opened up since moving in with Lindsay a few days ago - and experiencing massive lock-downs as well as resistances, blame, judgment, projection, manipulation, dishonesty within myself - facing many loops and moments of frustration within a point that keeps coming up and seemingly won't ever 'go away', and within this also seeing self-honestly how deep such limitations can go - and how hard the mind/ego can/will fight in order to not face change.

within facing such points the 'truth' of self comes forth and there is NO hiding - all becomes 'laid out' or 'played out' - meaning one either exposes the point and pushes self to correct and stop the pattern, or the point will continue to play out and manifest as consequence that must be faced.

what has assisted me greatly is sticking to the decision - to not give up - no matter what, and knowing that i will have to face a LOT of suppressed shit that i have not been thus far willing to change - all of the suppressed points will and MUST come out within walking an agreement with another and it does NOT feel good, it is NOT pretty, and it is NOT fun at all when experiencing points of frustration, blame, projection, self-denial, manipulation, and clashes of resonance/ego which WILL happen. walking an agreement is NOT a relationship where things are pre-programmed and simple and one simply does what one 'feels like'.

another point that i experience within walking with lindsay is having all of my self-beliefs, self-definitions, self-manipulations fall flat - as lindsay has become able to 'read' my actual physical indicators and can 'see right through me' as ego/mind - and also for myself getting a clearer 'view' of where i am still accepting self to remain within justification and hiding, refusing to let go of a point. as the point keeps coming up, it gets more and more obvious, and also the point becomes more and more ridiculous as the layers of justification, dishonesty, manipulation within self peel away and one accumulates the actual change. some points may take a day, some may take years - yet within having dedicated self to walking no matter what, it is certain - all points will be faced.

i see the importance of opening self up and being vulnerable - pushing self to participate with lindsay ESPECIALLY when there is resistance or lockdown - and within this bringing all points back to self and realizing that NOTHING that the 'other' says about you is actually about you - that we have system designs which automatically 'want to' and are very very 'good at' blaming, projecting, deflecting, manipulating when one is not self-aware. thus to not allow self to 'take it personally', which is something that i have participated in for a large part of my life and has become 'automatic' to a certain degree. within this it is not to justify or excuse self from taking responsibility and stopping self within this point or to create stories about how 'hard' or difficult it will be to stop this point - simply take the point in the moment and begin to accumulate for self the self-correction even if at first one must stumble and fumble and completely 'fall' - to keep standing back up - to keep getting back on the bicycle and not allowing self to give up - ever.

a point that i have been having a lot of trouble with is suppressing self and not sharing self - exposing self within vulnerability. i see that as this point has flared up time and time again - as i experience lindsay becoming more and more frustrated at having to put up with me going into lockdowns and not sharing self, more layers DO come off and i see more dimensions of myself within the points that i am facing.

Lindsay and I have very 'opposed' system programming - wherein we do not 'like' each other in terms of matrix relationships and often there is resistance to one another - wherein our system designs manifested as personality will 'clash' or simply have not point of relating or wanting to participate with each other - not finding a point of energy around which to generate experiences - which is actually very cool because it is exposing just how programmed and limited the mind/ego is - to such an extent that i have not acquired the ability to enjoy self with another regardless of who the other is - and instead have relied on relationships and attraction in order to 'facilitate' enjoying self with another.

i a am grateful for this agreement - that within this i am facing aspects and dimensions of self that i have not wanted to face - and seeing that in time, as we walk, i WILL change - and allowing myself to stumble and fall and completely 'fail' in the beginning - if that means that i will eventually stand absolute, and 'reminding' self of the opportunity that we have in this life to stop enslaving ourselves to the mind-consciousness systems, 'reminding' self that we are NOT the limitations of our pre-design.

thus i commit to continuing to walk this agreement, continuing to push myself within process, continuing no matter how many times i fall and have to start over - to get back on the bike each and every time until i stop falling.

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