Ending The Agreement – Establishing Self-Agreement
I has been revealed is that I have not supported myself effectively within establishing my own point of self-agreement and have not established for myself the necessary accumulation of living self-honesty within practical reality – proving to self that self is walking and standing within the principle of what is best for all and stopping the mind within and as self-interest, ego, and fear of loss.
What I now see is that I have not been able to walk an agreement since the beginning of establishing an agreement with Linday, and I see also that I have not properly healed and cleared myself of the baggage and unresolved issues within self that came up within my experience with Kelly, and that I had brought the accumulated baggage of unresolved wounds from my experience with Kelly as well as not having fully established self-trust and self-directive-principle into the agreement with Lindsay – which as been playing out in the form of Lindsay having to support me and drag points out of me and myself unwilling to expose self and face self within self-honesty and wanting to hold on to the 'support' of another – wherein the 'support' is actually a dependency and wanting another to walk through my points with me instead of establishing self as self-support absolutely.
Thus, in the equality equation I within self-honesty have NOT been a '+1' within being in an agreement with Lindsay, who HAS established her point of self-trust and self-support, and that there has been deception, manipulation, and dishonesty within me from the beginning – wanting to be in an agreement and wanting Lindsay to support me through points that myself was unwilling to face – which is impossible in practical application for I can only be supported when I support myself and take the point on by self-will.
What I have seen in the last few days is the extent to which I have abdicated self-trust and self-agreement, and to what extent I have given myself over to limitation and self-definitions which I have been unwilling to let go of and take responsibility for. What has developed within me now is the point of seeing that I must be unconditional within my standing whether I am in an agreement or not – that should the agreement end I must continue and support myself – that the agreement does not determine my process.
So within the equality equation and within living the principle of what is best for all within self-honesty it has been agreed that Lindsay and I not be in an agreement together. I will however still be moving to Portland and staying with Lindsay and continuing to study, as I see this is still a practical and effective arrangement.
What I experience now is a relief – within establishing self and trusting self to walk my process and seeing that I am fully capable of supporting myself. Within this process I have been procrastinating and unwilling to push myself past my limitations and fears, dwelling in the comfort and familiarity of my limitations within and as the mind. This is not a 'relief' of 'cool, now I am off the hook' – it is an experience of self giving self back to self and taking my process into my own hands instead of waiting and wishing and wanting for another to assist me or take my hand through my process. There is a relief within seeing that I am able to accumulate and establish self-trust, self-support, and self-will to change and take responsibility for myself.
Within this decision there is no regret or judgment – there is no 'debate' going on within myself and no energetic movement. I see the bare-bones simplicity and solid mathematical common sense that Lindsay and I not walk and agreement together in this moment.
I have seen and learned a great deal within the time that Lindsay and I have been walking together and communicating. I have seen how solid and unshakable Lindsay is within her application – how solid her foundation of self-support and self-trust is, and this was a point of attraction for myself initially – WANTING that point of self-support and self-direction for myself and not trusting self to live that. In seeing Lindsay walk her process I have come to see that I must be the one to establish for myself that point of solid self-agreement, and that indeed I am able to and that I AM that point of self-agreement.
So I continue – in gratitude for what I have seen and what has been exposed within myself. My weaknesses and faults and all of the points where I have been unwilling to let go have been brought forward and I am no longer in delusion about such points – and from here I take responsibility and walk self-correction, and establish SELF as the authority – giving self back to self, and establishing self-agreement.