There is no single thought, no single point of dishonesty within and as myself that has not existed or does not currently exist within others. There is no such thing as a 'special' or 'unique' case of dishonesty, which is what I as the ego/mind would have me believe and accept in order to participate within reaction/self-judgment/guilt if/when a point becomes exposed – going into an energetic reaction experience of 'oh fuck, I am the most evil being in existence for having this point' – within this actually feeding and giving all of my power over to the ego which apparently is 'too great and evil' to be faced by 'little old me'.
There is ALWAYS a lie within and as the mind and there is not one being in this existence that can truly and self-honestly say they are without dishonesty and without points of separation/self-interest/fear. Thus we walk this process of stopping our participation within the secret chambers of the mind and to walk ourselves into and as the physical to exist here without the secret thoughts and internal baggage that has consumed the expression of life here in this reality. We have existed here within and as layers upon layers upon layers of deception in order to survive as energy – as separation – as 'specialness' – and there is not one being that is innocent of this, and there is absolutely no point in blaming – as we are all equal in the participation of the design of this reality – because if we are HERE, it is directly because of the abuse all have accepted and allowed within the mind – we are the descendants, legacy, and progeny of dishonesty, here to face the 'sins of our fathers' as ourselves.
I am seeing that it is only within and as the secret-mind that one's inner secrets, thoughts, desires, fears, anxieties, fantasies, pictures, and dishonesties compound and become greater and greater – taking on a 'life' of their own to such an extent that a separation actually occurs within self – wherein there is a 'split' within and as self that has given itself over and abdicated itself completely to and as the inner secrets, thoughts, desires, fears, etc, which then manifest as a dimension of our personalities – an aspect of 'who and what we are' within the design of ourselves as the mind/ego, which fights and defends itself because we have fought for and defended these points within and as ourselves, giving them value, giving them the life that we are – and thus are resistant to letting go of, since we have allowed ourselves to invest 'so much' of ourselves as life into such points within the mind.
I see that the points of dishonesty which I am not yet willing to face and take responsibility for are the points that I react to and want to hide from when it is exposed, and it is precisely because these points have existed within and as 'me' within my secret-mind, within and as my 'secret compartment' where I have invested self into defending and protecting these points, creating separate aspects and dimensions of 'self' as personality which serve to 'guard' these points, that I as personality 'get defensive' and 'take it personally' when a point becomes exposed and I am there in a 'vacuum' no longer able to remain safe within the walls that had been build up around the point to not be exposed. There is the initial 'shock' within as as my system-design as ego/mind where I am suddenly 'naked' and 'helpless', and thus seek for 'cover' in order to survive and continue as the ego/mind.
This writing comes from me reflecting and seeing into myself in relation to the point of how I react and go into defensiveness and try to 'scramble for cover' in order to not have to lose a point of self-definition within my personality/mind/ego.
What is fascinating is that dishonesty can only happen within and as the mind, within the 'secrecy' we believe exists within and as the mind, and within these secret chambers we layer ourselves as the myriad points of self-definition, justification, fears, desires, pictures, memories, experiences, etc., compounded over the years of our existence within defining/defending ourselves as such points, and what I see is that the great majority (the ones I am currently aware of personally within myself) of such definitions are tied to fear of loss – fear of death – and are creations for and as 'survival' within a system that must feed/prey upon life and exploit/abuse the 'weak', which is the system in which our current reality is based, which is manifested currently as the money-system and survival system.
I see for myself how over the years, MONEY has been the main point where the design of myself has been influenced. Learning from my earliest memory how my parents and other adults would function and relate to each other – which is completely based on money and survival within the system, seeing how only certain-specific people within my world as my 'family' are 'allowed' to interact with each other in certain ways and people that are 'strangers' are simply ignored and regarded suspiciously – learning here that there are some people that are 'okay' and others who are 'not okay', that there is something one must be 'on the lookout for' and only regard one's own circle/family and never dare to open up or 'expose self' to 'strangers' – which is a direct outflow of a system where there is no guarantee of survival/support and we must actually compete with each other and regard each other as 'competitors'. Then, entering school where I remember learning more about forming groups, sticking to your group – your class mates, your friends, and competing with others - being 'graded' and regarded according to how well you performed and competed against other children's grades and performances. Then entering 'high school' where during one's most pivotal developmental stages in transitioning from a youth into a young adult, most of us are placed into schools where there is confusion, fear, anxiety, and survival programming rampant in all aspects of school activities from classes, to teachers, to curriculum, to 'friends' and fellow students – where one finds and creates personalities and self-definitions in order to 'cope with' and 'survive' within such environments so as not to be 'taken advantage of'. Some seek comfort within popularity and acceptance from fellow students, some rebel against the 'mainstream system' and become outcasts – yet still clinging to self-definitions within the group of outcasts at the school. Some become 'loners' who do not fit anywhere with anyone and have taken it upon themselves to see themselves through within isolation and defensiveness, and some become 'social butterflies' who flit and flutter into any and all groups in order to fit in and not be disregarded by any group in particular. Others find other ways of coping and dealing with this reality but always it is MONEY that determines such relationship-designs and personality-designs. And then as one becomes an adult and must enter the 'matrix' and find a way to survive in the physical and realizing that one MUST have money, even more self-definitions and personalities are created and formed in order to navigate the matrix whether somebody becomes an academic and becomes established within the system, or enters the work force and earns their living through labor, or rebel against the system and find other ways to survive yet still being wholly and totally dependent on the system, or some are fortunate to be among the small handful of elite who have no such worries while the rest of humanity – certainly the majority – must scrape out a living for themselves in the same constant fear and worry over survival and money that is programmed in from the birth of each human. And in all cases, those who manipulate, deceive, and are the most dishonest are able to make the best money and have the best lives – which is what I wanted for myself but was also wanting to be seen by others as 'dignified' and 'hard-working' and 'dependable' – which is another layer of deception to cover my actual intention of wanting to have comfort and luxury for myself but not being willing to be seen as deceptive and manipulative in order to get it.
Thus I see that I have become a 'survivor' by layering myself within and as several self-definitions and personalities which I have created and adopted for myself in order to compete and manipulate and secure for myself a 'piece' of 'stability' and 'survival' within the current design of the world as well as the current design of the mind-consciousness-system – money and survival being the outer experience of the physical and ego and secret-mind being the 'inner' experience within self as the mind.
I see that I am alone responsible for having created and installed system of dishonesty and manipulation in order to take from others, deprive from/of others in order for me to have, within accepting the condition and belief of scarcity and competition and 'survival of the fittest', putting on my most deceptive smile and 'fake face' in order to not expose my own perceived weakness so to not appear enticing to those who may come and take from me as I have taken from others.
In no way does this indemnify the fact that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and accumulate for myself my current design. In no way is any of this justifiable or excusable or acceptable. Yes, I have created my design 'by force' in order to survive as 'others' have – yet I AM the 'others' and I am equally responsible for the fuck-up of this reality.
I am not 'special' in having formed a survival system which I have invested myself into – we have all done this in our own way. While I cannot change others, cannot convince others, cannot convert others, I AM able to take responsibility for myself and change myself – focusing ONLY on myself and stopping the patterns that I have accepted over the years and to stand then as living-proof that humanity CAN change- that existence CAN be one of support and expression instead of fear and survival.
Do I dare to push myself? Do I dare to care for self as existence enough to let go of my 'personal fears' which serve only to maintain the current system of abuse? That is not a question to be answered in words alone – it is a question that I must be the answer to in living application.
Bringing all of this back to SELF -
I see that I am the only one capable of changing self. Recently I have been having points of frustration and impatience with self when a point is exposed by Lindsay and I go into a point of 'lock-down' and defensiveness, and have judged myself and wanted to justify how/why I am this way and I see that it is specific- that I am holding on to fear of survival as a system within this current world, holding on to my way of 'surviving' and fearing to 'expose' my weaknesses, of which there are a good number. Fearing to have to face those whom I have cheated, lied to, manipulated in order to 'survive', fearing to expose the points where I felt I had to hide myself in order to be acceptable within the system.
I see that I fear to expose myself – fear to lose my ability to 'survive' as the ego which is based on the ability to lie and cheat and manipulate and present myself in certain ways. I see that my specific design has been that of placing value and honor into words – especially the words of others, thus attempting to control others and manipulate others in such a way that promotes myself, defining myself by the words of others as well as my own words, which I see now I have throughout my life manipulated in order to get what I want – using words as 'weapons' in my quest for survival, drawing others with my words who will support me, and driving daggers into those who do not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as the thoughts within my secret-mind as well as the reactions that come up within me as a result of participation within and as the secret-mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I expose my secret-mind and the points where I have perceived myself to be 'weak', then I will be 'taken advantage of'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of others whom I have judged as mentally, emotionally, physically, financially weaker than I am in order to solidify my own survival and my own experience of self within the limitation of ego/mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others with words in order to build for myself a reality that supports me and the secret-mind personalities that I have invested self into for survival
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to hold on to these personalities within and as my secret-mind in order to effectively survive within the matrix.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others do not do or are not doing what I have done within and as the secret-mind in order to survive within the matrix.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the 'only one' who has created mind-realities and personalities within and as self and to now fear letting go of that dimension of self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and cheat myself and lie to myself and abuse myself within existing as the mind-conscious-system within and as my personality/ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I expose a point to Lindsay, she will react/reject me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to and reject others who have exposed points within themselves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally consider all life as self and to hold on to judgments and comparisons of others within the design of survival, and superiority within and as my ego/mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into immediate fear when Lindsay brings up a point, exposes a point of dishonesty, or pushes me to reveal something of self which I have wanted to keep secret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design myself within layers of separation, manipulation, dishonesty out of self-interest and fear of loss/survival.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within and as the design of fear of loss and fear of survival
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of control and the ability to manipulate others with my words and my presentation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing through the point of sharing myself and all of my dishonesties and secret-mind thoughts out of fear that others and in this case especially Lindsay as my partner will not be willing to walk with me within self-forgiveness, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking myself through any and all points of dishonesty within and as my secret-mind within self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some things are not able to be self-forgiven, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to grudges and resentments against others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must constantly maneuver self within dishonesty and manipulation in order to keep surviving and protect self from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to present myself as not being self-interested when in actuality I am self-interested and seeking my own survival/comfort
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create/believe the excuse of 'my programming is too ingrained to change dramatically' in order to not push myself and insist that I stop existing within and as this point of self-preservation within and as my personality/ego, and within this walking the practical realization that this will take time and consistent application to effectively remove.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require to exist as personality/ego in order to function within practical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist equalizing my physical expression and my secret-mind within releasing my secrets and facing my fears, anxieties, judgments, and desires so that I am able to exist here one and equal to what is here in fact instead of layering my own secret-mind projections upon life and living expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the contents of my own mind, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power and influence to the contents of my own mind instead of standing stable within and as self-direction and self-trust to remove all points of fear within self through all of the tools I have at my disposal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to change this pattern overnight and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself in impatience and self-judgment for not being able to instantly change self in relation to this point
I see that there are dimensions and layers to this point – and this is something I have accumulated over years of participation within and as my secret-mind. I stop excusing myself and defending myself in order to not have to face this point, and within this I stop judging myself and participating within energy and impatience as well as self-judgment and frustration for not being able to instantly be rid of this point completely. I will walk through this point layer by layer as I become and establish self-direction.
I allow self to live and embrace my weaknesses, my fears, my anxieties, and breathe through my resistances – and to not judge myself if at first I am not transcending these points.
I allow self to walk in humbleness and patience with self through each point and will not allow self to react or judge self for not moving 'fast enough'.
I walk until this is done, moment by moment, reaction by reaction, justification by justification, until all layers have been cleared out. I push myself to speak and share and work through my resistances, fears, and ego until I have fully integrated this change within and as the principle of self.