Saturday, January 22, 2011

Newly Unemployed and a Night Out with Self

Today was my last day at work, and I faced points of excitement and energy within the point of 'change'. I had been working at my current job for nearly 6 years, and I experienced thoughts today of “wow this is going to be weird” and “I am going to without a routine/schedule” and I was seeing self-definitions of and as a “full-time worker” melting away as my final work shift drew to a close and I began to say my goodbyes to my co-workers.

In those moments when the thoughts/emotions would arise I would stop them but I see that there was a part of me that allowed the thoughts/feelings to linger before I had directed myself to delete them. So there were some points of not wanting to let go of the energy around my self-definition of 'full-time worker' as well as the memories/experiences accumulated over the years. ________________________________________________________________________

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment of experiencing lingering thoughts and emotions around this being my last day at work, not direct myself within letting go of and clearing myself of attachments to the self-definition of 'full-time worker'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the self-definition of a 'full-time worker'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire holding on to the validation I would get from others which I used to feed my self-definition of 'full-time worker'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist letting go of the energy I would get around the point of being at work and being among co-workers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'this is going to be exciting/new/different'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am different because of moving to Portland and 'taking on' something new.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place energy and emotional charges on the point of leaving my job and moving to Portland.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within gossip and energy around the point of it being my 'last day' with my co-workers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as my ego/personality within saying goodbye to my fellow co-workers and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment not direct myself to stop and rather not participate from an energetic starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energetic reactions as experiences within self as I greeted and informed fellow co-workers that it was my last day and said goodbye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me leaving my job and moving to Portland is a 'special' event that should be recognized within a starting-point of energetic reactions.

I STOP.

I support myself and live HERE in each moment. I let go of thoughts and feelings within myself and see that they are not me.

I walk within and as the simplicity of what is here in the moment, whether I am here, in Portland, working, not working.


Later on in the evening I met up with some of the people from work for a 'farewell dinner'. It was an interesting experience and I see that I still have points of personality/mind going on in different layers that have yet to be transcended fully. I see points where I had allowed myself to 'slip' into personality and allowing self to gossip and participate in energy with the others, but there was also a sense of awareness within self as all of this was happening. There were moments where I would see a reaction flicker within self, but would stop it and not participate and it would be gone, and there were moments where I would slip and would go into the point of energy/reaction as I participated with the others at dinner, but there would be a 'presence' within and as self – observing self as those reactions and 'knowing' that these reactions and points of personality are not who and what I am, are not what I stand for any longer, and that I am in a process of stopping all such points of mind.

There were 8 of us at the table chatting and gossiping about work and fellow co-workers, 'trading stories' about our experiences and memories working together over the years. For much of the evening I would be silent, but not totally withdrawn or anti-social. There would be moments of me simply being there, enjoying the moment being at the restaurant with everyone, and there were moments were I would join a discussion that was going on when I was clear and sharing self without energetic movement, and there were also points of going into energy and reaction and participating in gossip. The moments where I went into energy and gossip I see I had participated in judging myself and not being comfortable with self being 'silent' and wanting to not 'stick out'. This was compounded within me when I thought about all of these fellow co-workers who came to celebrate my 'last day' and bid me farewell – I experienced an 'obligation' to participate and 'enjoy' from a starting-point of energy/mind/personality/relationship and not wanting to 'rock the boat' by being 'boring'. I see this requires self correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment of feeling 'obligated' to participate with the others, not direct myself to stop the energetic movement within self and then participate from a clear starting-point as self-honest self-expression instead of participating within/as personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'supposed to' express myself in certain ways around certain people, in certain places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the many faces and facets of personalities that I have created over the years which I use to 'deal with' people in my reality/world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'wrong' to simply be silent and not chat and gossip with the others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to share self within and as self-honest expression and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must remain a 'personality' when 'dealing with' these fellow beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard these fellow co-workers as beings to be 'dealt with' instead of standing here one and equal with them and allowing self to enjoy the moment without judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and project the belief that the others will not 'understand' the change within me and the process that I am walking, and thus it is best that I not share those aspects of self within a starting point of fear and lack of self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as gossip and seeking validation as a personality/ego within not accepting self fully and completely within self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reside within and as my mind while the others were participating with each other at the table, internalizing and not pushing through my own self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'different' and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'special' because I am 'not like the others because I see my systems'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by what I have realized within knowledge and information and insight but have not yet lived as Living Words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the 'pressure' I was placing upon myself to 'fit in' so that I did not have to be here with self and seeing my own self-judgments reflected back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I do not belong among these people'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard myself as 'superior' due to having knowledge and information about mind-consciousness systems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the others by wanting to have a different experience than the one that I was having in terms of hanging out with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others based on personal preference.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly judge the others within my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the others for drinking, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am superior because I have given up alcohol.

I STOP. I see that the 'others' are one and equal to self, and that I am the one who is living and accepting separation by judging others and comparing self to others within and as my secret mind.

I am reacting to my own self and reacting to points that I have not worked through completely, thus it is not the 'others' but always self. I see that I am able to push on this point of letting go, being here, and accepting self and remaining firm within my standing of what I accept and what I do not, and do not require to 'fit in', nor do I require to change others.



Another point that had come up was the point of alcohol and my commitment to never drink again. Throughout the night there would be a 'teasing' by the others that I should have at least one drink. The others had been drinking throughout the evening and I see that alcohol was a 'main event' within my 'farewell dinner', at least for them.

I had reactions within myself of not being comfortable sharing exactly 'why' I am stopping alcohol, but looking at it now I had associated my stopping alcohol with desteni, and did not know how to explain that to them. I see clearly that my stopping alcohol was a self-directed choice and dedication I made for and as self, and yes it was desteni that assisted in opening up the point for me to consider. So what I see here is that there is still a residual fear of sharing myself as a being walking my process due to believing that I have to fit in and be able to 'survive' as a personality within and as the matrix in the job system – that I have to be able to 'mix' with the crowd and not draw 'negative attention' to myself. I have this fear because I have in the past participated in mocking and gossiping about fellow workers and treating certain workers differently when I had heard and accepted/believed a rumor or bit of gossip related to them, and how nasty such gossip can be, and now I am not wanting for others to gossip about me the same way. So here I see I have created the idea that me 'sharing myself as somebody in process' is me representing desteni in their eyes and would have to 'live up to' something. I see that in practicality, I am able to share what I am doing and what I am walking as the living words of my actual experiences and that I do not have to become an 'ambassador' to desteni when sharing such things. I see that in practical living I am able to speak what I actually live and that it is not a 'desteni thing', and within this to not disregard desteni either. Self correction here-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people gossiping about me and speaking about me and treating my differently/being nasty toward me based on memories and experiences of having done that to others in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may compromise myself within being able to walk effectively in the matrix if I share desteni material to all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the gossip and judgment of others affects me personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the words of others personally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept gossip and rumors to be real by holding on to my own resistances of being rumored or gossiped about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that all gossip and projection upon me by others is simply others seeing a part of themselves that they are in separation from and are not dealing with within themselves, and has nothing actually to do with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become uncomfortable when speaking on why I have chosen to give up alcohol for the rest of my life, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate my decision to give up alcohol with 'being a part of desteni'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must share all points of desteni, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not sharing all points in relation to desteni to those that I work with and associate with in the matrix.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is self-dishonest to not share every point that is related to desteni, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that there is common sense and practicality to consider in terms of what and whom I share about desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that I am able to stand as the living words of what I am walking within process by sharing my actual self-experiences and perspectives while sharing how desteni assisted me, sharing who and what I am and what I no longer accept or allow, instead of sharing a 'message' of desteni that is coming from knowledge and information that is of mind and separation.

I see that the self-corrective application here is to speak directly my own experience, perspective, and insight on what it is that I do and how I came to that realization. Within this I am able to self-honestly consider in the context of the moment whether it would be cool to share desteni material or information about desteni to another, being clear within self that I am not 'preaching' or wanting to 'change another' or wanting to 'convert' another and that the words I speak and share are the words that I live.

I am reminded here of Bernard speaking on the point of it is cool when one is absolute and will not break from walking the principle that desteni stands for, but when one walks in the matrix one must be able to bend and not break.

I see that I am able to 'bend' and take into consideration the 'bigger picture' within not compromising my principle and self-standing as I walk and work within the matrix.



Besides that uncomfortableness with sharing why I have quit drinking, I see that my stance within the point of alcohol is clear – I had no points of considering drinking or giving in to 'peer pressure' or compromising. I see that I cannot and will not be moved by the point of alcohol, so it is cool to see that point is solid.


Points to take on here -

continue to push the point of sharing self as the living words – do NOT project or speak knowledge and information.

Clearing self of energetic starting-points before speaking/chatting with others and do not participate within gossip within my secret mind or with others in my world/reality.

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