Myself as my mother and father and self forgiveness on self definitions

Having a look at my tendency to 'clam up' and withdraw within myself.

I have the pattern of withdrawing from the world, from the people in my environment, and from my surroundings in general whenever a possible situation presents itself that may place me at a point of requiring to trust myself, apply myself, direct my world, or 'stand up'.

My memory of this goes back to my childhood- remembering all the times that I had held on to the memory of my mother beating or yelling at me- how I would withdraw within myself in order to hide from her- knowing that there was no physical place I could run to or hide in when my mother was angry and scolding me/disciplining me.

My mother is not to blame here. My mother is myself. I as my mother was attempting to instill in me that which she wanted to instill within herself. My mother wanted to 'fix' within me what she wanted to fix within herself. And since I am a copy of my mother's system design, it is pointless to attempt to blame or judge my mother- as I am exactly a copy of her and my father's system designs- thus I was the one abusing myself within my mother abusing me.

Much was revealed within how my mind has drawn upon my experience growing up and being raised by my mother during my visit with Lindsay- many points were opened up and revealed in terms of how much and how deeply my self programming has been influenced by my childhood and by the system manifestations within my mother and certainly my father as well- though I do not have any experiences to draw from or refer to in terms of my father since he died before I was born. Regardless, I am an exact copy and mixture of my mother and father's system designs, and there is no point in attempting to blame 'them'.

So- to bring it back to self- I as my mother was trying to protect me from her own fears, trying to give me the life that she wanted to have, wanting to stop within me the systems that she wanted to stop within herself. Being an exact copy, I reminded her and reflected to her her own points of self judgment (as all judgment is SELF judgment).

Thus I must forgive myself AS my mother – and to be clear in not attempting to 'fix' the past or to shift blame and responsibility- but to actually stand AS my mother and to fully see and consider who and what she had accepted herself as and to stand within the realization that her system constructs are not the truth of who she is- and to forgive self AS my mother within realization that I am an exact copy of those system designs, thus I AM those system designs within my mother as myself.

I had spoken self forgiveness on this point and it has assisted me within releasing myself from some of the self definitions and judgments. I place some here-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not my mother in terms of me being a completely 'unique' person who has 'free will' to be and become whom I wish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my mother within resentment and blame and within judging her as being an ineffective parent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent and judge my mother for being a 'failure' and not worthy enough to be held in dignity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal AS my mother in fully considering who and what she had become over the years of her life within the programming and predesign of her life within the matrix system- completely becoming possessed by ego and mind consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for my mother to be dead in order to not actually face who and what I am within the context of my relationship to my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent and judge my mother within blaming my childhood experience and judging my childhood experience as bad and abusive.

I forgive myself that I as my mother abused and judged me myself as her son within not considering that we are in fact equal and that I am reflecting to my mother the points she required to face within herself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my mother to project my points upon my son instead of realizing that all of my judgments and reactions are trigged and created within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the judgments and projections that I experienced my mother projecting and subjecting me to and as within my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go and actually forgive my mother as myself one and equal and to continue to hold a grudge against her, in resentment of the points within myself that she as my mother are showing and reflecting back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and justify why she cannot be trusted within holding on to my own resentment and fear of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must defend myself or else my mother will harm/abuse me in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must hide/deceive others and to never allow them to see into me or become aware of who I am or what am experiencing within myself because they will exploit or use it against me somehow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust people in the world and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am 'incompetent' and 'defective' and 'ineffective' based on the self image and self definitions that I had taken on within compounded experiences over the years of my existence as 'joe kou'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself and believe myself to be the limitations and self definitions that I integrated during my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to continue blaming my mother or my upbringing or my environment or the other people in my life instead of bringing it back to the point of self and what self will or will not accept from this moment on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept myself as 'weak' and requiring to hide and deceive and manipulate in order to 'survive'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instill within myself over the years of my childhood the fear of myself, doubt of myself, lack of self trust within myself that has informed and influenced my patterned and self accepted behaviors into adulthood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry within and as myself the points that my mother and father carried and to desire to be rid of them or to blame my parents because I have them- instead of realizing that I am my mother and father- manifested here as an exact copy of their system designs- and thus I must take responsibility for myself to remove these patterns within myself as my mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself or anyone in this reality and to use the tactic of manipulation, dishonesty, and compromise in order to 'survive'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as one who 'cannot be trusted' because I fear to do to others what I believe my mother did to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim to my mother's method of raising me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I may do to others what my mother did to me and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother did something to me that I am not able to let go of and change and forgive myself for and move on from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard myself as always being 'stuck' as the self definition of a 'failure' in the same way that I had judged my mother to be a 'failure'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unique and that my mother was fucked up and that it was her fault within how she raised me that I now I have points which require to be corrected... and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the defense mechanisms that I had installed for myself in order to protect myself from the threats that I saw my mother as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fix my relationship with my mother instead of simply remaining here as the integration and living word expression of self forgiveness and self acceptance within taking personal responsibility to stop these patterns within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply run and isolate myself from my mother so that I do not have to face my points of blame, resentment, and separation which I had formed around my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hide within my self definition of being 'not good enough' and 'incompetent' and to not see that these are points that were programmed within me since birth- and are core points copied from my mother and father which must be corrected here in the physical and that it is nothing 'personal' and that I am not actually doomed to remain as these self definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hide within my self definitions of being not good enough and 'incompetent' in order to not actually stand as the self correction and self forgiveness of myself and my mother and father.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within my process of letting go of my self definitions within holding on to the desire to 'prove my mother wrong' and desiring vindication for the victimization I allowed myself to feel and become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hold on to my self definition of 'not good enough' and 'incompetent' so that I am able to continue to manipulate others in to 'going easy on me' and giving me special consideration and accomodating my self limitations and validating my self definitions so that I do not actually have to let go and simply depend on others feeling sorry for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within hold in to the self definition of 'not good enough' and 'incompetent', seek to not stand out and purposefully not apply myself at my fullest potential out of fear that I am going to fail or be rejected or have to face actually having to stand up and apply myself and trust myself in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within holding on to the self definition of 'not good enough' and 'incompetent' to have purposefully sabotaged my participation within school, hobbies, interests, projects, relationships, and jobs so that I am able to remain 'mediocre' and not have to actually attain achievement and progress so that I may remain within the comfort of being the self definition and limitation of 'not good enough' or 'incompetent'.