Sunday, December 12, 2010

My stay in Portland - Documenting Myself


Last night i got back home from visiting Lindsay in Portland for about a week.

It began with me being informed of having a week off from work because of having to use up the rest of my vacation hours before the end of the year. Within me I had a sense of fear and energy come up within me at the thought of possibly booking a flight out to Portland to visit Lindsay- the fear being that this would be very "short notice" of me... and is not something I would normally do. Thus seeing this resistance and seeing how I had created a fear of actually going to Portland to visit Lindsay for a week with only one day to prepare, I decided to breathe through the resistances and on that night I discussed with Lindsay over Skype my idea to fly out to see her. Lindsay had mentioned a possibility of me moving out to Portland and staying with her while I go to school, and we had also discussed being open to exploring whether she and I could develop an agreement together. I had already made some arrangements with Kelly to move out to PA, and in looking back I now see that my decision to move out to PA to stay with Kelly was driven by my desire to "run away" from my situation here and to be in an environment that was "better" for my process. More on this point later.

For a while I had decided to go to PA and stay with Kelly to work and study together and saw it as "my only option" to find some stability as I walk my process. Within the desire to "run away" from my situation here and judging the environment and the people around me, I wanted to just "leave it all behind" to start a "new life" out in PA. And within holding this desire to go to PA i saw i had formed pictures and ideas about my life being "better" once i "go out there" even though I had not actually investigated the point of what exactly I will be doing in PA besides trying to get a job, saving money, going to school, and hanging out with and working/studying with Kelly. I saw that I cannot simply allow myself to be satisfied with chasing an idea about what PA is and to not allow myself to investigate the possibility of going to Oregon.

Thus this is how I made the decision of flying to Portland on short notice for a week- so that I am able to physically in space-time investigate and see for myself if it would be practical to move to Portland and work/study/live with Lindsay, and also to verify for myself in actuality whether it would be effective for me to enter an agreement with Lindsay instead of remaining within my own fears and thoughts about what that might "look like" within my secret mind.

A point that has been brought up for me within this is the point of self will, self movement, and self trust. Booking my flight and going to Portland was something that was very much against my "programmed design" of wanting to have everything planned out at least a few weeks in advance, wanting to have everything 'set up' for me, wanting to mull over and calculate everything in my mind before i make a step, constantly second guessing myself over my decisions. Thus it has been effective support for me to drop this preference and pattern and simply MOVE myself in the physical and to trust that I will be able to sort things out in REAL TIME, and trusting that I have SELF FORGIVENESS no matter what. Pushing this point has allowed me to notice and stop much of my programming based on fear and the belief of self incompetence which I see I have lived within and as for many years. It has been cool to see that i am capable of dropping this pattern and that i am indeed able to change.


In the beginning i was still in my personality patterns and participating in energetic movements within myself while i was interacting with Lindsay the first few moments. I remember that I wanted to seem "cool" and "confident" and that I wanted her to "like" me. This however did not last lol. I quickly saw that participating within any kind of energy or self projection would not work and saw the dishonesty within it. Lindsay would unconditionally point out when i was in an energetic state- and there would be no refuting the fact that i was indeed participating in energy. I would then expose the thoughts and emotions behind my energetic expressions and would see for myself how the dishonesty that i have allowed within myself will not be tolerated.

My experience being around Lindsay for the first few days was "intense"- i had not personally been around anybody else in process who was as consistent as Lindsay and it was cool to see how dedicated she is to revealing herself and stopping her patterns and investigating every part of herself and sharing that openly and unconditionally. for me this was a bit 'too much' at first- i was not accustomed to bringing up each and every thought, pattern, or reaction that comes up within me. for a while i felt as though i was 'on trial' because i felt that everything i was doing- every thought that came up within me- was being watched by lindsay and she would consistently call out what she saw- within every movement of my eyes indicating thought or dishonesty (thought IS dishonesty)and every gesture i was making with my body. although i went into self judgment and justification for many of the points that came up, i enjoyed the constant support lindsay offered within unconditionally exposing all of these things and going into the fine details of the thoughts, memories, and emotional contents of my patterns and playouts. it was shocking to me, to see how specific our body assist us when we are here and take the time to notice our own dishonesties and self manipulations from the mind.

for the first few days lindsay and i would wake up, start our day together, and simply share ourselves openly with each other and expose and push every point that came up in our discussions. this would go on all day and we would not stop or allow any justification or deception within ourselves or each other. we would then go to bed and repeat the same the next day. lindsay was very effective at calling out any points that she noticed within me, and over time i began to grow comfortable within sharing myself openly as well as pushing to reveal points within lindsay, after pushing through my initial judgments and reactions and establishing a point of equal communication.

there was judgment for many days of lindsay being 'militant', wherein i experienced myself as "having to 'stand at attention'" and to not show that i had any points or dishonesties.

but this was assisting for me because it was revealing to me how much i had separated myself from the point of absolute self commitment and directness within my process. lindsay was showing me to myself and revealing how i had not accepted and allowed for myself the point of consistency and discipline within taking responsibility for myself within my process and how i have become dependent on others as well as how i have become 'lazy' within not pushing myself.


TAKING IT BACK TO SELF- a particularly effective and supportive thing that lindsay and i had done was to speak and share ourselves fully and to push through our resistances and secrets and to push the point of exposing ourselves and getting to a point of self responsibility within self honesty- "Taking it back to Self" was the modus operandi of our time together- always taking each and every point of resistance, blame, justification, judgment, and dishonesty back to the point of self and standing within the self realization of how we are creating what is in our world. within this we pushed the point of it is never about what the other person is doing or who's fault it is, but to always insist on bringing the point to self and applying self correction/self forgiveness.

COMMUNICATION AND SHARING UNCONDITIONALLY- many points were brought up within our application of spending entire days together constantly communicating and pushing and exposing ourselves- points that i within myself have not considered before- points that were buried within self definitions and self accepted limitations. these points came up within myself and within lindsay as well as we simply shared ourselves and did not hold anything back- pushing ourselves and each other to stand within self honesty in our communication and to stand from a starting point of not judging or wanting to control but simply to stand as equal support as we expose ourselves and reveal our own mind constructs and patterns through speaking/sharing.

PHYSICAL INDICATORS- there is much assistance within being aware of our physical indicators such as odd breathing, shifting of our eyes, averting our heads, twitches, shrugging shoulders, hiding hands, posture, tonality of voice, etc... all of which are clear indicators of what is actually going on within us. even things like grabbing a pencil or shifting our feet are indicators of secret mind/subconscious communication and when we allow ourselves to be open and expose these things without judgment, there is much assistance and support. our physical bodies are constantly and consistently communicating the actual truth of ourselves.

INTEGRATING SELF CORRECTION- physically reading out loud self forgiveness as well as physically stating out loud self corrective statements is of great support within actually integrating at the physical level any self realizations and self corrections one has determined to make. by physically within time and space, using our actual physical human bodies in participating in living the change and realizations that we have become aware of, we actually integrate equal and one within and as the physical human body our living statements of correction- becoming the Living Word instead of having self realizations and self corrective statements existing only as thoughts within our minds. another application is to go directly to the point of physical correction when able- to actually physically participate in structurally changing a pattern that has been revealed. for example, after clearing many points within ourselves through communication, self forgiveness out loud, and establishing trust within ourselves, lindsay and i arrived at the point of physical comfortability with each other- which required that we actually push through resistances and physically touch and establish physical comfortability and standing as self intimacy shared with another equal and one. there will come a point within every realization and self correction wherein one must actually physically change/move/direct self. in these moments when one is clear, self forgiveness is applied, and the realization is firmly integrated as self, one must actually physically walk that realization in space/time- and even then nothing has been 'transcended' until it has stood the test of time within being consistent. when making decisions or applying self realizations, one CANNOT trust that the mind will 'figure it out' or that it will simply do what is best for all because you've seen it within yourself- one can only trust the physical- bring the realization to the actual PHYSICAL through speaking, writing, participating, touching, moving, breathing- thus ACTUALLY integrating the change and correction.


My stay with Lindsay has been the most supportive thing I have done for myself so far within process. Seemingly countless points had been opened up for myself to see, realize, and correct. Getting to a point of absolute clarity and certainty within many points that I had buried deep within myself was an experience that i am grateful for. learning with another to establish for myself the point of self dedication and effectiveness is something that will assist me greatly in my process.

the point of 'running away' and wanting to go to stay with Kelly as well as my fears/justifications of how/why i am not effective within my current situation here in California has allowed me to see clearly and without justification/blame/dishonesty that it would be effective and practical for me to move to Portland and continue my process with Lindsay, as we have firmly established effective communication, self will, and have integrated effective support for each other within pushing ourselves and each other.

i see now that i am not 'running away' from what i have created within my current situation by moving to portland... or anywhere else for that matter. i see now within self honesty in having gotten to a point of clarity within self that i do not have to move or 'run away' from anything- that i am able to be stable and support myself here, or in PA with Kelly, or in Portland with Lindsay. i see within self honesty that me moving to Portland and continuing with Lindsay would be the most practical and effective thing to do at this moment, and that is what I shall walk. I see also that i am able to let go of portland as well- as this is not a decision based on preference, but on physical practicality within self honesty. whether i am in portland with lindsay, or in PA with Kelly, or alone here in california, i remain.

On the very last day of my visit, after five days of spending our time together- consistently communicating and sharing- consistently opening up points and immediately integrating self correction, as well as clearing up back doors, secrets, and establishing unconditional support and communication as well as establishing self intimacy without energetic pictures or desires, it was decided that lindsay and i would enter an agreement to walk together as self willed equals, assisting and supporting each other to walk our process- to make full use of all of the tools at our disposal to assist ourselves and each other to let go of our limitations and programming and to establish our equality and self honesty to the utmost. what is cool for me is to stand clear that this is not based on desires, need for sex, attraction, or dependency- that this is an effective opportunity for self expansion and perfection with another.

there were fears of us going 'too fast' within entering an agreement together, and for myself i see there are points where i have weaknesses that i must work on and walk through- but i am confident that i am able and willing to walk these points when the come up and i will not allow myself to participate in fears of not being able to 'handle it' or fears of 'losing the support of lindsay'. there are not guarantees- there is only self forgiveness. i will not participate in waiting until some force outside of me tells me 'i am ready for an agreement'. i will stand here and face what comes no matter what, and trust myself that i will do what is necessary.

i am currently back home and will not be in portland for about a month and a half. so far there has not been any change in my standing within not being physically with lindsay- thus i am clear that i am not creating dependency on lindsay. this will be cool to see where i am not standing as myself while i am here and not with lindsay and will expose what i still require to work on and integrate. there have been points of 'missing' lindsay but it has not been of an emotional kind of "wishing lindsay were here so i could feel better/feel loved/feel accepted", but of a sense of remembering the effective support of being with lindsay which i currently am without- so it is cool to push myself to not 'need' lindsay while we are apart, and to not create points of separation.

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