Monday, November 30, 2009

11-30-09

Clearing the day- 11/30/09

i woke up before the alarm, but wanted to keep sleeping and stay in bed. i did not want to get out of the safety and comfort and the feeling of private solitude while underneath the covers and resting on a pillow. i did not want to face the day. i did not want to actually wake up and have to move myself around and get things done. i did not want to take responsibility for myself. i just wanted to slip away into my dreams, where i was "free".

i got up out of bed... brushed my teeth, got my work clothes ready and loaded up my pockets with my wallet and work supplies... and proceeded to go back into bed to rest for the remainder of the time i had left before i needed to get out the door and go to work. i allowed myself to slip back, for a moment, into that state of careless freedom... in which i was not expected to have to be responsible for myself.

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i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide within my dreams instead of face and walk through who am really am in life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from who and what i have accepted and allowed HERE in reality and within that, to not want to take responsibility for what is here and what is going on inside me within my mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to abdicate myself over to alternate realities in which i am not accountable for what i do or what i accept within myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be absolved from my responsibilities in life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am able to hide from reality within escaping into dreams and fantasies.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to face myself HERE and direct myself practically to do what needs to be done.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within not trusting myself and within that, to want to escape from all situations in which i must be responsible for myself and direct myself and be accountable for all consequences of my actions or inaction.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to indulge within the construct of self doubt and fear and to want to hide from myself and the world i create around me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to enjoy myself within dreams as an escape from reality and having to do necessary things like work and hygiene.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is alright to not face myself and just indulge in dreams and fantasies.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to cloister and shelter myself from responsibility and personal self direction and within this to want to hide within entertainment, distractions, illusions, relationships, opinions, fantasies, dreaming, and alternate realities created within my secret mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up and taking direction for myself because i have for so long allowed myself to be directed by my fears and constructs of limitation and self doubt.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and live AS the belief that i am not able to practically direct myself within this world and that i must always suffer and be "a step behind" all others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as "stupid" and "untrustworthy" and "incompetent" and "unworthy of LIFE" because i have participated within constructs of self limitation, dishonesty, deception, manipulation of others, and abuse toward self.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must punish myself and not actually allow myself to forgive myself unconditionally and to trust myself and LIVE as that forgiveness.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to use the excuse of "i don't trust myself and i will fuck things up" to hide from the fact that i have no choice but to face myself and that i am only backing myself into a corner within thinking that i am able to escape my truth.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be self honest and be my own directive principal because that would involve having to actually live the change and correct the limitations i have existed as and defined myself as, which i am afraid to do because of self doubt and self judgement.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that i am able to live as my self honesty and to STOP forever the constructs which i have allowed to limit myself and others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to live within my private bubble of comfort and dwell within my fantasies and dreams instead of actually facing what i've allowed myself to become and live as in REALITY.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within wanting to just give up and enjoy my programmed existence in self interest.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i AM the limitations which i participate in within my mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want others to take responsibility for me and take care of me and see to it that i am cared for.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from stability and self trust.

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walked to work. was in the mind through most of the walk with only intermittent moments of being in the breath.

at work i am a different person. i am 'on the clock' and i behave differently. i do not allow myself to express myself as i would like to... because there are certain rules and standards i am to abide by so that i can remain employed and earn an income.

A black man and woman came into the store and i greeted them with "hi, how's it going today?"

the man seemed to have been put on the defensive and responded "i'm just looking... just browsing around for some gifts". i took the tone of his voice as implying that he did not want my help or attention... and perhaps did not want to be in the store.

later, made a security page over the PA system of our store and announced "Security scan zone 6 please... security, please scan zone 6" (which i must do every hour). a customer shortly after asked me for a product. i was pretty sure that we did not carry what she asked for, but decided to go and check the sales floor for it just in case.

the black man and woman were browsing some items in the area where i was checking for the requested product. he said "i'm just here because it's the holidays man. i won't come back here again" in a tone which struck me as having been offended.

at first i was puzzled because i did not know why he would say what he said. then i realized that he had assumed the "security page" (which is fake and done every hour to discourage shoplifters) was specifically referring to him, and because i was in the vicinity of him with a headset radio and seeming to be looking intent (but was looking for a product), made the connection that i was there to stop him from shoplifting or doing something suspicious.

when i realized that he had made this mental assumption, i became apologetic. i explained to him that i was not there to threaten him or that we had assumed he was suspicious. i explained that it was just a store policy that a page be made regardless of what customers are in the store. he seemed to accept the explanation after a moment. i continued my search and did not find the product in the store.

later, i realized that within being apologetic i was actually confirming and validating the constructs within that customer who became offended. i could have simply stated the facts without going through the "trouble" of assuring him that he was not being hassled by the store "security", which i at the time represented to him.

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