5-2--09

Woke up. Got ready for work. Had to have my roomate drop me off so that they could work on the car while I was working.

It was busy from start to finish. No breaks. Constantly busy. Again, I did not have enough time to get a proper meal (or any meal at all). Worked through the hunger until lunch time.

Tried a new place for lunch. Don't much care for it.

Still feeling out of place... still trying to get used to the new systems at work and all of the nuances that have been established there.

I find myself unwilling to be completely vulnerable or show that I need support as I make my transition. I find myself wanting to prove that I am capable, but I am only creating resistance within myself.

At one point, a customer started to ask me questions while I was busy with a long line of customers. He would interrupt me during transactions with his questions. When he got into the line and I found myself helping him face to face, there was some agitation in me. He had a mannerism that caused friction in me.

He came to the counter wanting to know the prices for some items. I obliged. He decided to go ahead and make the purchase of the items, but made a comment when I informed him of the discount sale price of a particular item. I could not tell if he was trying to be sarcastic or if he was serious by his tone, and frankly I did not care. I scanned the item, told him the discount price, and he said "oh great... I'll take 12 dozen of those".

I was too wrapped up in my agitation and in my opinions of this person to be fully here to actually hear (HERE) what he was saying. I nodded at him passively, assuming he was just making a funny remark. I rang up his total, and he looked surprised. He then said "Wow. Great, I'll be back tomorrow for more."

He paid his total. It was only then that I saw he had indeed stacked up 12 boxes of product below the counter, where I could not see. I then realized that I had given him a total that did not reflect 12 boxes of the product, and that he had gladly paid the grossly undercharged sum without any hesitation.

At this point, I was too taken aback by just how agitated I was at this person and how lost I was in my mind that I did not care to check to see if he was really joking. I was too unwilling to seem like a dolt by questioning something that could very well be a joke. I was too unwilling to seem incapable in front of this customer who had agitated me earlier, so I did not question him.

And even as the realization came to me that I had made a gross mistake... I did not do anything to stop him. I watched him load up his goods, and walk out the door... remembering his promise to return tomorrow for "more".

I had every opportunity to stop him and confess that I misunderstood him and that I'd have to charge him for the extra boxes. Yet I did not. My self interest prevailed here against all common sense. So great has been my fear of incompetence that I manifested it absolutely. So unwilling to be "proven wrong" that I was actually willing to BE wrong... so long as it was not proven. What a fuckup. I allowed this man to walk away freely.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist being proven wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my agitation and opinions blind me to reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my opinions and emotions direct me in self interest instead of standing up in common sense and self honest self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am "less" if I am shown to be in the wrong or mistaken in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually BE wrong and incompetent so long as nobody would judge me for it, instead of realizing that if I am aware that I am wrong and incompetent, then I should face the consequences and not do it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others to such an extent that I am willing to be completely dishonest with myself instead of standing up and directing myself HERE in the moment and facing what I have to face unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be LESS THAN who and what I really am HERE and insisting on living through my self interest and ego.

I forgive myself that I have in the moment of confrontation and realizing that I have done something wrong and made a mistake, fall back on my fears instead of facing the consequences, thus creating a time-loop situation for myself.
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at another point in the day, a similar situation happened. it was very busy and i was getting distracted trying to take care of several things. i lost myself in my mind, trying to figure it all out in my head instead of focusing on my breathing and taking things one breath at a time at a pace that i could direct.

while helping a customer at the counter, i needed to call for help in order to get a product number for something he wished to purchase. the customer seemed impatient about this, which set me off into trying to "please" the customer. in this, i lost track of which items i had already rang up for him and scanned the same item twice by accident.

the customer said "hey, you rang that one twice" in a gruff voice. i apologized, removed the item from my screen, and then proceeded to take the item away from the counter as if to put it back... which led the customer to say "What are you doing? I wanted that one, but you rang it up twice. Don't put it away." again with an impatient tone. I apologize again, and finish the transaction without any more problems.

In this, again I was faced with my fears of being seen as "incapable" or "ineffective". So paralyzing is this fear that immediately my mind activates the mode of "quick! please the customer" and I overreact to the situation based on my pre-programmed constructs.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back on my pre-programmed construct behaviors in that moment when i felt the possibility of a customer seeing me as "ineffective" and "incapable" instead of breathing and being fully present and stable, and fixing the issue effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in my mind and my fears in that moment when i noticed the customer was impatient and yet had to make him wait longer because I had to get something from another associate to finish his transaction while there were many many customers already waiting in line, instead of realizing that his impatience has nothing to do with me personally and that at the moment i was indeed doing what i can to help to the best of my own ability.

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at the end of the night, when finally all the customers were gone from the store and we were getting ready to count out our registers and deposit our cash and paperwork for the day, i found myself lost again in trying to learn how things are done at this store, which is very different from what i am used to while i worked at my previous job.

it took me much longer to finish getting organized and having everything done than the others. i was very much in my mind the entire time, and the incidents with the customers already had me on alert for "appearing ineffective", which only caused more friction in me while i tried to get everything done right and done fast, which lead to me being hasty and unfocused, which ultimately slowed me down.

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i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment of finishing up along with the others, believe that i was "less" than them because i was still unclear about the procedure and how exactly things are to be done at this location, instead of getting back HERE and breathing, and directing myself to be fully present and directing myself to effectively get my work done.

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had to stay late along with everyone else to clean up around the store. everything was a total mess. we were hectic and busy all day. roomates had to wait a long time for me outside to pick me up. i apologized to them for having them wait. we met up at a store next to mine and shopped around for a bit together, and went home.