What is in a breath? and how to think effectively

In this process I am walking through the patterns and preprogramming that I have been living and accepting myself as for my entire life- I am having to actually will myself to do things I have never thought I would do. I am having to push and will myself to participate in things I have not been predesigned to do. Thus I will face moments wherein I 'fall' and do not succeed completely in changing an accepted pattern of self. Within this there is no need to participate in emotional reactions or judgments or thoughts of comparison or self judgment, as none of that is valid and none of that is ever necessary.

In one breath, all of the knowledge, opinions, and emotional movements within me are able to be stopped. In one breath I am able to let go and die as the energy within me, and bring myself back to HERE. Thus no amount of stress, anxiety, fear, or resistance is ever real. What is REAL is already REAL.

This process cannot be done in quantum. That is something that I am realizing. I am able to write and do self forgiveness, but that alone will not change me as the life and as the participant in this reality. The self writing, the self forgiveness, and the SRA course are not going to change anything on my behalf- they are tools to allow me to change myself by self will. Otherwise all that I am doing is falling back into the predetermined pattern and programming of self, which is diminishment within the mind.

At the moment I am facing the point of directing myself- being deliberate within what I participate in, and pushing myself to participate with my actual physical environment instead of trying to plot things out or figure things out within my mind, hoping to be 'smart' enough to simply out-think my situation. This tactic has consistently proven ineffective- wherein I attempt to simulate the world within my limited and separated frame of reference within my secret mind, hoping that my preparations within this simulation will be accurate enough to prepare me to face what is actually here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that i am able to create effective simulations and predictions of what will happen and how i am able to react or conduct myself from a starting point of desiring to be the 'winner' within the experience and not have to face disappointment.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create virtual simulations within my mind of speaking to certain people or doing certain things from a point of separation and mental fantasy wherein i indulge in the power to create alternate worlds in which i am god and can have any result i wish without having to consider everything within the equality equation.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am able to 'get away with' creating alternate reality worlds in which i am able to secretly plot and simulate my actual world so that i have an advantage over others.

i stop. i will not allow myself to participate within creating such mental realities in order to test out my theories based on opinion, conjecture, and pictures that are not actually accountable to reality. i will rather stop, breathe, let go of knowledge and information, and write out all points to be considered so that my words and thoughts are accountable and can be applied in my reality to see if they are valid, instead of accepting them as valid outright within the context of my own personal secret mind interpretation.

within the stopping of this pattern, wherein i stop myself from entering the 'god mode' of my secret mind to create all manner of inner universes in which to test out and experiment with alternate outcomes, i realize that writing is crucially important.

within writing, one is not 'thinking' based on the unaccountable rules and delusional assumptions of the mind. one is actually placing information and considerations out into the physical in the form of written/typed/spoken words which can be related to what is actually happening instead of being descriptions of what one is creating within one's mind.

within writing, one is able to place into actual context what is valid and what can be applied and what will accumulate the result of what is best for all, instead of simply 'thinking about' and 'pondering over' completely illusory worlds within oneself.

thus, when thinking over a problem that is to be faced here in the physical, PARTICIPATE within the solution by writing or vlogging for self to become clear on what is actually here. bring the mental 'plan' into the physical and see if it is valid before accepting it as knowledge and information that becomes who and what you live as. ensure that your words are accountable and valid and within this you ensure that you do not delude yourself within self interest and mental madness. PARTICIPATE with the physical reality by 'thinking' through writing so that you see and are able to map out how you have constructed your reality, and within this so that you can take responsibility and correct the flaws of logic.

also within this method of 'thinking' one is able to bring in points to consider that the mind did not want to bring in, and one is also able to in one moment apply self forgiveness and self correction on any points that come up.

thus- WRITE WRITE WRITE to 'right' yourself of mistakes and ignorance so that we stand.

"Unworthiness"? Yeah, we go waaay back

It is clear that my application in regards to stopping my accepted constructs of "unworthiness" and "incompetence" have not been effective or specific enough.

So... I am going to go back and pin down where this is coming from and why I am facing it so intensely lately.

My recollection of being "unworthy" comes from my upbringing as a child under the care of my mother, who was an abusive parent. I accepted and allowed a lot of emotional and physical abuse while she raised me. Within this, there have been many moments where I have been told that I was a "mistake", that I am a "failure" or "stupid".

There were times when each and every day, I was scolded and berated for long periods... sinking in all of the anger from my mother... sinking in all of the judgment. Taking it all into myself and becoming it... actually letting the words and the heated emotions behind them drive into my body and reside there, where I as a child under my mother's care had no outlet... had no means of expressing the pain and anger I was consuming.

Within this, I abdicated myself over to being a "failure"... accepting that I would always be in the "wrong", that I would always be scolded and called all kinds of demeaning names by my own mother, who apparently "knows me best". I accepted the resentment, the regret.

This acceptance grew within me... compounding as me... growing as I grew into adulthood... one and equal within and as my very being. I could do nothing right... I would always need her to correct me and scold me because I could not ever be "right". I could not ever be effective on my own... something was functionally "wrong" with me.

In several areas of my life, i stopped "progressing". I saw my friends "grow" into their lives and move within the world... getting their licenses to drive, getting jobs, going to college, living life. I did not do any of those things. I was not "given" those things and therefore did not allow myself to have them.

by the time i was 22 and still living at home with my mother... dreading each and every day of being in her presence... hating myself and the image i had become... deliberately sleeping in and staying up late at night so as to reduce the time i would actually have to be around her... i decided that i could not continue.

i decided that i would rather die on the street without support from her or anyone rather than depend on her for my survival in this world. and with that decision, i set up a situation for me to run away from home... and leave my little sister behind.

at 23, i was "homeless". I stayed at the house of a friend... slept on a couch in their living room or on a chair in their computer room, or on the floor. i did this for months, living off of the charity of my friends. eating what i could, when i could.

and then finally moving out into a house with other friends... where i set up a "room" for myself in the living room (there were not enough rooms for me). I hung up fabric sheets to be my "walls". I lived there for about a year, in a fabric walled cube in the living room. I ate crackers and ramen noodles. I would sometimes steal small bits of food from grocery stores because i didn't have any money.

after that, i moved into another house... again the situation arose where the other roomates had jobs and cars... and i didn't... and there weren't enough rooms for all of us. so we constructed a room for me in the garage (car park). we build a makeshift room out of wood wall panels bought from a supply store. and i stayed in that garage through winter and summer. i found a job... and walked to and from work each day.

now, i am in the same house, though i am now properly renting a room. i have a bed, i have amenities, i have clothes, i have food, i have income, i have a computer, i have books and several things to entertain me.

by most accounts i have "succeeded" in standing up... in forcing myself... in supporting myself.

yet i only got to where i am from the charity of friends. i got to where i am from allowing others take care of things for me. i got to where i am NOT by standing up for myself but by making OTHERS do it.

Ever since i removed myself from my mother and any support she would have given, I have been tumbling... completely cut off from any stability. she was the sole stability within my life.... she was the only "source" of support for my survival in the world... but i could not let myself live under her... i could no longer stand not standing, and taking more of her abuse. i fled and ran away.

and i have been running ever since, really. i have been running from the fear... the utterly paralyzing construct of me being "defective"... me being "unable to support myself"... "unable to live properly in this world like others do".

within my life i have wanted to do great things... accomplish great things... manifest great creations of self expression... but have always failed... have always petered out just before the end like a candle snuffed before it's time.

why? i have so completely become the manifestation of my fears... so completely and physically manifested as "incompetence" and "unworthiness"... and "procrastination" as well as "ineffectiveness". it is who and what i am in my physicality... and it has been the general pattern of my life.

if i am to make any real change... this construct... at it's very core... must be faced. i must stand. just as i could not let myself live within the boundary of my mother's abuse... i cannot let myself live under the acceptance of this fear.

5-2--09

Woke up. Got ready for work. Had to have my roomate drop me off so that they could work on the car while I was working.

It was busy from start to finish. No breaks. Constantly busy. Again, I did not have enough time to get a proper meal (or any meal at all). Worked through the hunger until lunch time.

Tried a new place for lunch. Don't much care for it.

Still feeling out of place... still trying to get used to the new systems at work and all of the nuances that have been established there.

I find myself unwilling to be completely vulnerable or show that I need support as I make my transition. I find myself wanting to prove that I am capable, but I am only creating resistance within myself.

At one point, a customer started to ask me questions while I was busy with a long line of customers. He would interrupt me during transactions with his questions. When he got into the line and I found myself helping him face to face, there was some agitation in me. He had a mannerism that caused friction in me.

He came to the counter wanting to know the prices for some items. I obliged. He decided to go ahead and make the purchase of the items, but made a comment when I informed him of the discount sale price of a particular item. I could not tell if he was trying to be sarcastic or if he was serious by his tone, and frankly I did not care. I scanned the item, told him the discount price, and he said "oh great... I'll take 12 dozen of those".

I was too wrapped up in my agitation and in my opinions of this person to be fully here to actually hear (HERE) what he was saying. I nodded at him passively, assuming he was just making a funny remark. I rang up his total, and he looked surprised. He then said "Wow. Great, I'll be back tomorrow for more."

He paid his total. It was only then that I saw he had indeed stacked up 12 boxes of product below the counter, where I could not see. I then realized that I had given him a total that did not reflect 12 boxes of the product, and that he had gladly paid the grossly undercharged sum without any hesitation.

At this point, I was too taken aback by just how agitated I was at this person and how lost I was in my mind that I did not care to check to see if he was really joking. I was too unwilling to seem like a dolt by questioning something that could very well be a joke. I was too unwilling to seem incapable in front of this customer who had agitated me earlier, so I did not question him.

And even as the realization came to me that I had made a gross mistake... I did not do anything to stop him. I watched him load up his goods, and walk out the door... remembering his promise to return tomorrow for "more".

I had every opportunity to stop him and confess that I misunderstood him and that I'd have to charge him for the extra boxes. Yet I did not. My self interest prevailed here against all common sense. So great has been my fear of incompetence that I manifested it absolutely. So unwilling to be "proven wrong" that I was actually willing to BE wrong... so long as it was not proven. What a fuckup. I allowed this man to walk away freely.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist being proven wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my agitation and opinions blind me to reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my opinions and emotions direct me in self interest instead of standing up in common sense and self honest self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am "less" if I am shown to be in the wrong or mistaken in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually BE wrong and incompetent so long as nobody would judge me for it, instead of realizing that if I am aware that I am wrong and incompetent, then I should face the consequences and not do it again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others to such an extent that I am willing to be completely dishonest with myself instead of standing up and directing myself HERE in the moment and facing what I have to face unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be LESS THAN who and what I really am HERE and insisting on living through my self interest and ego.

I forgive myself that I have in the moment of confrontation and realizing that I have done something wrong and made a mistake, fall back on my fears instead of facing the consequences, thus creating a time-loop situation for myself.
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at another point in the day, a similar situation happened. it was very busy and i was getting distracted trying to take care of several things. i lost myself in my mind, trying to figure it all out in my head instead of focusing on my breathing and taking things one breath at a time at a pace that i could direct.

while helping a customer at the counter, i needed to call for help in order to get a product number for something he wished to purchase. the customer seemed impatient about this, which set me off into trying to "please" the customer. in this, i lost track of which items i had already rang up for him and scanned the same item twice by accident.

the customer said "hey, you rang that one twice" in a gruff voice. i apologized, removed the item from my screen, and then proceeded to take the item away from the counter as if to put it back... which led the customer to say "What are you doing? I wanted that one, but you rang it up twice. Don't put it away." again with an impatient tone. I apologize again, and finish the transaction without any more problems.

In this, again I was faced with my fears of being seen as "incapable" or "ineffective". So paralyzing is this fear that immediately my mind activates the mode of "quick! please the customer" and I overreact to the situation based on my pre-programmed constructs.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back on my pre-programmed construct behaviors in that moment when i felt the possibility of a customer seeing me as "ineffective" and "incapable" instead of breathing and being fully present and stable, and fixing the issue effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in my mind and my fears in that moment when i noticed the customer was impatient and yet had to make him wait longer because I had to get something from another associate to finish his transaction while there were many many customers already waiting in line, instead of realizing that his impatience has nothing to do with me personally and that at the moment i was indeed doing what i can to help to the best of my own ability.

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at the end of the night, when finally all the customers were gone from the store and we were getting ready to count out our registers and deposit our cash and paperwork for the day, i found myself lost again in trying to learn how things are done at this store, which is very different from what i am used to while i worked at my previous job.

it took me much longer to finish getting organized and having everything done than the others. i was very much in my mind the entire time, and the incidents with the customers already had me on alert for "appearing ineffective", which only caused more friction in me while i tried to get everything done right and done fast, which lead to me being hasty and unfocused, which ultimately slowed me down.

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i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in that moment of finishing up along with the others, believe that i was "less" than them because i was still unclear about the procedure and how exactly things are to be done at this location, instead of getting back HERE and breathing, and directing myself to be fully present and directing myself to effectively get my work done.

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had to stay late along with everyone else to clean up around the store. everything was a total mess. we were hectic and busy all day. roomates had to wait a long time for me outside to pick me up. i apologized to them for having them wait. we met up at a store next to mine and shopped around for a bit together, and went home.

The Tools of the Process

Okay... here are the tools that I am currently using as part of my process.

Self Honesty- This is a MUST. You cannot imagine all the crap that I have built up over the years... and all the layers of self deception that I have walled myself in with. So, self honesty has to be brutally applied without exceptions. If I'm going to really stop Joe Kou and start living my OWN life, I have to face all the things I've buried and tried to hide from myself so that I don't repeat my old patterns anymore.

Self Forgiveness- This is where I forgive myself as Joe Kou for what has been accepted and allowed. This is not a hocus pocus magic trick that removes my issues for me. This is a tool to release myself from any attachments or emotional baggage that I may be entagled by. Whenever I have an emotional reaction to something or when I feel like something is pulling my attention and focus away from myself... I apply self forgiveness for allowing that to happen and then I stop participating in that.

Writing- This is extremely helpful. It's like looking at the source code for your personal programming and seeing in front of you what is going on inside. There doesn't need to be a format or style... just write. Write a story, a blog, a letter, a word. Just write.

Self Correction- Another MUST DO if I am serious about stopping my life as a Joe Kou and living my real unconditional self here. It is not enough to point out the faults in my mental self... I have to do something about it. When a point of transcendence comes up, I either transcend it or it will loop back again and I'll have to face it another time. But until I really correct myself and release myself from my programming and old patterns, I won't really be free. I'd just be a Joe Kou.

Breathing- Seems simplistic, but when I am focused on each breath I take... I am HERE, and I am aware of myself and I am expressing myself without the contextual baggage of having to be Joe Kou. I simply am. I breathe. Being in the breath assists you in being truly here at this moment.

So, those are the tools I'm using right now. It's a process.