Keep on Letting Go!

Recently I have been seeing the point of letting go and not taking things personally - to not accept anything that is of mind and limitation, and to push myself to participate within the world and not allow self to stagnate within and as thoughts, feelings, emotions, pictures, etc., and realizing that i am NOT my perceived limitations/fears.

As points come up, I see that it is effective to simply get to the practical correction - which in some instances is as simple as becoming aware of a certain point, taking note and flagging it, and then relaxing and letting it go. Other times it requires writing/self forgiveness, and sometimes it requires specific direction - but in all cases it is NOT necessary to judge myself to try to figure out 'why' i have such points - simply realize that the point is not who i am in fact, and that it is simply a patterned play-out based on what i have accepted and allowed within self. there is no need to explain myself to come up with a good reason for 'why' such a point exists within me, as that would only serve to feed the mind with more energy - more thoughts and opinions and knowledge/information that is not actually pertinent or relevant to what is here in the moment. The correction is simply HERE, in this moment.

This is not to say that self-investigation and getting to the actual root of these system play-outs should be avoided - it all comes down to starting-point. If one is attempting to 'figure out' what is the 'right' thing to do, or trying to get to some 'solution' from within the mind, or trying to 'diagnose' self from a starting point of separation/reaction, it is simply going to feed the mind further and compound the point. Yet one is able to, when stable and not in a point of reaction/energy, investigate the point and apply the necessary self-forgiveness and self-corrective-application.

What i have been noticing is that as i continue to push myself within the application of 'letting go' and pushing myself to 'drop it' whenever a reaction/emotion comes up within me, the points become less of a problem and i am able to move through them with much greater ease than before, where i would immediately try to 'figure it out' from within and as the mind - forgetting the simplicity of what is HERE.

So i continue this application of not taking anything personally, and living the realization that i am NOT my limitations/fears/anxieties and any reaction from other people are their own reactions and has nothing to actually do with me personally - which is cool because within this realization i stop manipulating myself and accepting the opinions/reactions of others and stick to self-honesty.

About a tooth

About a week ago, I developed a very sharp pain in my lower right molar. I quickly discovered that I had an infected nerve due to bacterial infection and required a root canal surgery.

For years now, I've had a missing filling in that tooth. And for years I had simply ignored the issue of getting a new filling put in. I was well aware that my tooth would eventually need work done, and that the longer I waited, the more likely that a problematic condition could develop.

When the pain started, it was almost unbearable. I had never experienced such physical pain before. Even when I was not eating or drinking anything, the pain would be there... and I would feel the pain spread from the nerves under my molar tooth up to my ear, and then up to my temple region. It was both a sharp and throbbing pain that is difficult to describe.

At one point, I had to confine myself to my room, lay myself down on my bed, and cry as I found the pain so overwhelming. Over and over thoughts and emotions flooded my mind.

"Why is this happening to me right now?"
"How could it hurt this badly?"
"Why must I be in such pain?"
"What did I do wrong?"

It was in that very moment that my questioning opened up a perspective for me that I had not considered before.

The infection in my lower molar resulted from prolonged neglect. For years I simply reasoned that it was not worth my time or money to get the missing filling replaced. I kept procrastinating and coming up with justifications for my inaction. I had completely and utterly abdicated my responsibility to it... and simply did not care any longer, even though the gaping hole in my tooth was a constant reminder each and every day when I had to constantly clean out bits of food that would get lodged in the hole.

How did this occur? How did I talk myself into prolonging this condition for so long? Where have I been? How could it be that I had accepted and allowed myself to succumb to this?

Still reeling from the pain, my eyes scanned the contents of my bedroom and took stock of piles of books that are partially or completely unread, stacks of notebooks for projects unfinished, and soon realized that all around me were evidence of things I had always intended upon doing, but for one reason or another simply gave up.

This lead me to look within myself... and it was not long before I recalled the many projects I had started and never seen through to completion... all the promises I had made to myself that have yet to be made good... all the things I've been needing to take care of that are still unresolved... all of the things I had begun with earnest intention still patiently awaiting a manifestation that may never come.

This was not a simple toothache that resulted from lack of proper dental care. This was a clear and present depiction of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become. For years, the tooth had been missing it's proper filling. For years, I simply adapted to the condition as it continued to worsen. Instead of actually directing myself to support myself practically, I chose to ignore it in spite of myself. I accepted and allowed myself to be a victim of my circumstances... all my life I have been prone to do this. All my life I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by events and the judgment of others.

This has been a heavy realization. This is something I have always understood deep within me... but only now have I considered it's ramifications here in the physical... here where my life actually takes place. I have never truly been alive. I have never made a "choice" that was real. I have never accepted or allowed myself to be stable or trust myself... to such a degree that I am willing to abdicate my health... and my very life... instead of standing up for myself.

The practical solution in the moment was to immediately take care of the tooth problem before it got worse. I got myself a dental discount plan, went to the nearest dental office and scheduled an emergency procedure, and had the operation done within the next 2 days.

Through all this, the fears came up... of me not being able to find a good dentist, not being able to finance the cost of the procedure, not being able to keep up my financial commitments, not being able to get proper care.. etc. Yet instead of allowing those fears to deter me, I moved. I moved myself through and practically did what needed doing. And then... well... it got done. And I did it all on my own... which was always something I had trouble with.

So many times I have looked at my life and seen that I had "fallen behind" everyone else who was my age. Everyone else seemed to have gotten further with their lives while I had remained stagnant. Yet it was not fate or circumstance that kept me back... it has always been myself. I have never trusted myself. I have never stood for myself. I have never accepted myself as being worthy.

The circumstances of my life do not determine who I am. Who I am determines the circumstances of my life.

So... no more will I abdicate myself. I stop. I walk. For myself, by myself.

The truth hurts

I am faking. I am manipulating myself. I am consciously being dishonest within and as myself.

I am not taking this process seriously. I am kidding only myself and desiring to project and image of myself that will be accepted and approved of by others. And this cannot continue.

Too much suffering is going on, and I cannot continue in this way. I refuse to.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and pretend to be completely dedicated to my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself standing up and taking this process seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge this process as being too hard for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be saved instead of being the directive principle that will save myself for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the deception created by my mind instead of living as the true expression of who I am as LIFE unbound.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose deception, dishonesty, and living within my mind instead of choosing honesty, dedication, discipline, and developing self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing or not making it and thus creating the justification for not taking it seriously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to remain existing as the lie of me instead of the LIFE of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and manifest myself to be worthless or ineffective and that I will always fail in what I do or desire to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously sabotage myself so that I won't have to actually take responsibility for myself and move myself and apply myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need, and desire help and support from others so that I can simply do the bare minimum and wait for others to support me because I have judged them as superior and "better" and "greater than" myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with desteni members in dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know the shame of my dishonesty and yet to continue living within and as it, defining myself as it, manifesting myself as it, and not supporting LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and fake my process instead of truly applying it with sincere effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself as somebody who is honest fully about his process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy assisting others with my perspectives which are at the moment based on opinions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy "having practical answers" to questions from other beings instead of living those same answers AS MYSELF.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously start projects and never finish them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously give up on myself, my world, the beings around me, and any projects I am working on or desire to work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior and cannot finish anything I start and therefore justify me not making a real effort because apparently it "won't work anyway" instead of being HERE honestly with myself in SELF TRUST.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others who are in the same process and judging them as "better" than me or "more able to be honest with self and apply the process" than me, and therefore once again justifying me not actually taking responsibility for myself by myself as myself to be one and equal to "them".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a person who pretends to be something instead of actually being it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and abuse myself because I am afraid of taking real responsibility and fear being hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can be hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a being who can be hurt, has been hurt many times before, and is prone to keep being hurt over and over.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I am NOT a being that must be hurt or that I CAN be hurt to begin with because the hurting occurs as separation within my own mind which I delude myself into believing is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously stop applying myself honestly in my process because I have a fear that I will be hurt or not accepted by other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my process because I fear failure.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see the futility and ridiculousness of not applying myself and sabotaging myself because I fear the very failure I create through such actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously sabotage myself so that I can prove that I was "right" about me being a failure and thus justifying me not making real efforts or taking full responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously sabotage myself because I fear failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and manifest myself as a being who is only "viable" when I do not fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with the beings on the forums public and private because I fear failing to such an extent that I pretend that I do not fail and pretend to be effective in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through others and their opinions of me instead of depending only upon myself as LIFE expressing HERE unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honestly study the material because I fear that if I make the effort, I would end up failing and thus be experienced as a failure and not accepted by others.

I forgive myself that I require to be accepted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself through the feedback and opinions of others.

Till HERE NO FURTHER.

TILL HERE NO FURTHER.

TILL HERE NO FURTHER.

I am NOT defined by the acceptances or opinions of others.

I am NOT less than the acceptances or opinions of others.

I am NOT a failure in all things I participate in.

I am NOT without support.

I am NOT alone.

I am NOT stupid, weak, unintelligent, or ineffective.

TILL HERE NO FURTHER.

I can only lie to myself. And I will not lie to myself again.

MY MIND DOES NOT OWN ME.

I do not require to please my ideas about myself.

I do not require to please my mind's desires for myself.

I do not require my MIND.

I will NOT say these words as separate from myself and allow these words to become the nothingness that I have existed as.

The Tools of the Process

Okay... here are the tools that I am currently using as part of my process.

Self Honesty- This is a MUST. You cannot imagine all the crap that I have built up over the years... and all the layers of self deception that I have walled myself in with. So, self honesty has to be brutally applied without exceptions. If I'm going to really stop Joe Kou and start living my OWN life, I have to face all the things I've buried and tried to hide from myself so that I don't repeat my old patterns anymore.

Self Forgiveness- This is where I forgive myself as Joe Kou for what has been accepted and allowed. This is not a hocus pocus magic trick that removes my issues for me. This is a tool to release myself from any attachments or emotional baggage that I may be entagled by. Whenever I have an emotional reaction to something or when I feel like something is pulling my attention and focus away from myself... I apply self forgiveness for allowing that to happen and then I stop participating in that.

Writing- This is extremely helpful. It's like looking at the source code for your personal programming and seeing in front of you what is going on inside. There doesn't need to be a format or style... just write. Write a story, a blog, a letter, a word. Just write.

Self Correction- Another MUST DO if I am serious about stopping my life as a Joe Kou and living my real unconditional self here. It is not enough to point out the faults in my mental self... I have to do something about it. When a point of transcendence comes up, I either transcend it or it will loop back again and I'll have to face it another time. But until I really correct myself and release myself from my programming and old patterns, I won't really be free. I'd just be a Joe Kou.

Breathing- Seems simplistic, but when I am focused on each breath I take... I am HERE, and I am aware of myself and I am expressing myself without the contextual baggage of having to be Joe Kou. I simply am. I breathe. Being in the breath assists you in being truly here at this moment.

So, those are the tools I'm using right now. It's a process.