on 'insecurity' and working as a canvasser for the democratic party

Insecurity is something that i have existed within and as for most of my life - existing within the self-belief that i am 'inadequate' and 'not good enough' - which are the excuses and justifications i would use to justify and explain how/why i am not responsible for changing myself - within this i am able to blame my childhood, blame society, blame my family, blame anything and anyone in order to not actually have to push myself and be the directive principle, and within this i am then able to remain safe in the comfort zone and continue my existence of limitation wherein i constantly and continuously find ways to abdicate myself and limit myself.

the way this has played out is i will see a situation where i have not pushed myself or expanded myself effectively, and will create a fear/resistance toward that point, making that point bigger than myself and allowing self to believe that self is inferior and 'incapable' of standing within that point - so in essence already giving up and accepting 'failure'. then when the point is here in my actual reality to deal with, i draw upon my previous assessment of myself and continue to allow the justification/excuses and the self-definition of inferiority to determine who i am - and within this compounding the point of 'i am not good enough' and 'i have faced this before and i kept failing, so this time i will only fail again' - which is a very vicious cycle to exist within - as it compounds the insecurity and fear more and more each time i do not push myself through the point.

the fascinating thing is that the point is NEVER as hard or difficult as my mind portrays it to be - and i see that when i support myself with self-writing, self-forgiveness, and making the decision within and as self to change and stop a pattern, i am able to face the point within a state of relaxedness - knowing that i have not yet fully accumulated the self-directive will to stop a pattern completely, but i am moving myself within correcting myself - and realizing that i am NOT my mind - that the self-definitions of me as ego/mind/consciousness are not in fact real - and that change is not only possible but inevitable within consistency and dedication - not allowing self to fear the fears that i have accepted in the past - and to push self to EMBRACE the fear, stand as the fear, and release the fear - and to not look back.

what i have been doing is being aware of self when i am participating in the pattern of fear/anxiety/nervousness/insecurity - and allowing self to EMBRACE what is going on within me and breathe, slow myself down, and stop participating in the thoughts that have triggered/activated the experience of fear/anxiety/nervousness within self, and to face the point even if i am not fully 'clear' in that moment. to push myself to participate even though i am still nervous and have points of resistance - within realizing that the nervousness and anxiety will not just disappear overnight from writing and self-forgiveness alone - that i must actually move myself in the physical to prove that i am not in fact anymore allowing the fear/anxiety to control/direct self.

what i am realizing as well is the importance of NOT JUDGING SELF as well as not reacting to my own reactions such as disappointment, shame, guilt, self-judgment, self-doubt, etc... as those devices will only further compound the point that i am working through - and will create more layers for me to have to walk through. so it is an application of humbleness, self-forgiveness, patience, breathing through the resistances, and not defining myself through the past, not limiting myself within the times where i 'fell' and did not transcend a point - to see that this is a process and to simply keep moving.

as for the point of insecurity, it is currently still an 'active' point where i am catching myself participating in projecting into the future and creating stress and anxiety over 'failing' or not being able to do something good enough - specifically at the moment i am having some fears around getting a job and being able to hold on to the job - having previously defined myself as a 'worker' and now experiencing myself as 'unemployed' there has been a point of wanting to return to the comfort/stability within the self-definition of 'worker' - which is simply another form of enslavement wherein i am limiting self and existing within a personality/ego manifestation of 'worker'.

within this there is also the aspect of fearing not having an income of my own - fearing that once my current savings runs out, i will 'suffer' and within this fearing not having money which i have accociated with support, stability, and 'safety'.

so here i support myself within self-forgiveness on the point of 'insecurity' within getting a job and getting an income as well as my points of anxiety/separation within possibly working for the democratic party

On 'insecurity'-

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'insecure', and that 'insecurity' is something that happens 'to' me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as 'insecure'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'failure' and self-judgment and self-doubt within believing that i am not 'worthy' or 'effective' enough to be able to support myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear failures and mistakes, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is not acceptable to make mistakes or to not be perfect in all things that i take on right away.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project into the future within my thoughts and believing that i will not be 'able' to take on the responsibilities and expectations that come with working as a canvasser within a campaign office when in fact i have not yet even begun to work and have no actual idea of what 'it will take' to do this job well.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself up to impossible and impractical standards and then judge myself for not being that standard - within this allowing the continuance of addiction to mental/emotional energy which is generated within self-judgment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the experience and energy within self-judgment and 'giving up'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of making mistakes is real

i stop and realize that my fear of making mistakes is simply an energy addiction wherein i am constantly generating and resonating the point of 'insecurity' and self-limitation, thus constantly creating and experiencing such events - and within this not realizing that i am looping myself and diminishing myself with each cycle.

when and if i see/notice myself participating in the point of fearing to make a mistake, fearing being seen making a mistake, fearing that i am not 'good enough' to do something effectively, i stop, breathe, and realize the simple common sense practicality of no human being was EVER simply just 'perfect' and effective at what they do - that all have to face an initial point of making mistakes and making adjustments, and that it is ridiculous to expect self to be perfect at something that self has not practiced or trained or become equal to.


on income -

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an income to support myself with and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having an income with which i am able to experience security, stability, and self-worth

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-worth and self-value in each moment, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my worth through my ability to purchase my comforts and entertainment with money.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i will not enjoy/value self if i do not have an income or money

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept the belief that the idea of money is 'real'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of wanting money in order to feel more secure and acceptable within society

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not as capable of surviving if i do not have a steady job and stable income.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money to support myself

i stop. i am in a situation where i am being supported and i do not need to fear for survival within having money. i am in a situation where i have time and can apply myself within other things and do not need to stress over whether or not my next paycheck can cover my living expenses. within this i am responsible for getting a job, getting an income, and supporting myself just as before, but i do not need to participate within fear and anxiety if i do not find work right away.

i am not in a situation where my survival is in any real danger.

on the points related to the possible job with the democratic party -

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of 'i am not good enough' and 'i am not able to pull this off' when considering the point of working for the Democratic Party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'special' to work for the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate experiencing myself as diminished if i do not get the job with the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that working for the democratic party will in and of itself make me a better/stronger/more effective person within politics

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place value within getting a job with the democratic party, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of what i could do/have/gain access to within working for the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'prove' myself within getting the job at the democratic party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am a 'failure' if i do not get the job

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i do not get the job then it means that i am unacceptable and something is 'wrong' with me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation and acceptance within getting the job.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within energy and thoughts of 'it would be so cool to infiltrate the democratic party and work my way up to a point of influence'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire working my way up through the democratic party as a point of self-validation, wherein i project self-worth and self-value upon being successful within the job and 'moving up'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have the job from a starting-point of wanting validation within being an 'infiltrator' within a political party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire participating in the intrigue and sense of 'specialness' within me working for a political party

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my 'way in' to the political arena depends on me doing this one particular job - within this not realizing that i am limiting myself and participating in a desire/belief instead of actually moving myself in each moment to accumulate what is in fact best for all and what will be the best/most effective placement of myself and my skills within the context of all.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be a politician and enter politics as my way to stand for what is best for all - as though by just being a 'politician' i will have 'proven' myself when in fact i am only participating in my own self-interest/desire.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of specialness within working as a canvasser and possibly moving up to be a field manager - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation that this job will 'open doors' for me.

i stop. this job is simply a job, and i will make of it what i make of it as i walk. i stop participating in anticipation, expectation, and and desire within the point of possibly working for the democratic party as a canvasser/field manager.

The accumulation effect

I have been noticing far less severe anxiety and nervousness since first opening up the point and supporting myself with writing - though i see that i have not done self-forgiveness on the points that have come up in relation to my design of anxiety/nervousness as well as stress.

What i am seeing is the accumulation effect - within taking on this point of nervousness and anxiety, and pushing myself to face myself in those instances and to no longer feed or participate in the energy surrounding that design of self, i am noticing faster 'recovery' from the anxiety and stress as well as beginning to establish myself more and more. though it is at the moment still a slight improvement, i see that within applying myself consistently i am able to change - i am able to stabilize and support myself to stop this pattern for good.

i notice that the onset, or 'trigger' for the anxiety happens when i am about to do something or go somewhere to a place i had never been, and i begin to internalize thoughts, fears, opinions, and projections - going into my mind and not breathing - not being HERE. within this i would try to 'push through' the fear and resistances, but will already have activated my 'defense systems' and gotten possessed by the point. at that stage i will have to face the charges that i had built by physically participating in my reality - and that's okay from the starting point of rebuilding my foundation and seeing that I AM STILL HERE - and thus there was no need to participate in the system design of worry, anxiety, stress because i am in fact STILL HERE and the experience itself, as always, was not what my mind made it out to be.

Important here is to realize that accumulation goes hand in hand with consistency - that i must constantly and continuously apply myself, push myself, support myself in order to actually change and stand. without consistency, i am accumulating self-defeat and self-limitation.

Keep on Letting Go!

Recently I have been seeing the point of letting go and not taking things personally - to not accept anything that is of mind and limitation, and to push myself to participate within the world and not allow self to stagnate within and as thoughts, feelings, emotions, pictures, etc., and realizing that i am NOT my perceived limitations/fears.

As points come up, I see that it is effective to simply get to the practical correction - which in some instances is as simple as becoming aware of a certain point, taking note and flagging it, and then relaxing and letting it go. Other times it requires writing/self forgiveness, and sometimes it requires specific direction - but in all cases it is NOT necessary to judge myself to try to figure out 'why' i have such points - simply realize that the point is not who i am in fact, and that it is simply a patterned play-out based on what i have accepted and allowed within self. there is no need to explain myself to come up with a good reason for 'why' such a point exists within me, as that would only serve to feed the mind with more energy - more thoughts and opinions and knowledge/information that is not actually pertinent or relevant to what is here in the moment. The correction is simply HERE, in this moment.

This is not to say that self-investigation and getting to the actual root of these system play-outs should be avoided - it all comes down to starting-point. If one is attempting to 'figure out' what is the 'right' thing to do, or trying to get to some 'solution' from within the mind, or trying to 'diagnose' self from a starting point of separation/reaction, it is simply going to feed the mind further and compound the point. Yet one is able to, when stable and not in a point of reaction/energy, investigate the point and apply the necessary self-forgiveness and self-corrective-application.

What i have been noticing is that as i continue to push myself within the application of 'letting go' and pushing myself to 'drop it' whenever a reaction/emotion comes up within me, the points become less of a problem and i am able to move through them with much greater ease than before, where i would immediately try to 'figure it out' from within and as the mind - forgetting the simplicity of what is HERE.

So i continue this application of not taking anything personally, and living the realization that i am NOT my limitations/fears/anxieties and any reaction from other people are their own reactions and has nothing to actually do with me personally - which is cool because within this realization i stop manipulating myself and accepting the opinions/reactions of others and stick to self-honesty.