Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Starting Over with Self

The most important question for mankind cannot be answered by intellect. The question is can we forgive ourselves of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become unconditionally and dare to re-create ourselves without everything that we have trusted and believed in since the beginning of time? The answer to that question will determine everything in existence from here onward and will only be answered by what we LIVE, not what we say or think.

Here I clarify for myself what it is to truly live self forgiveness and my current perspective and understanding of what this process is to me.

For a long time I have allowed myself to exist within knowledge – within intellect as to what is actually going on in this reality within studying the desteni material. I have seen for myself that in fact I exist within a bubble as a mind consciousness system that functions on energy which is generated through participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions, which I have believed myself to be, which I have accepted as the very essence and nature of who and what I am, and within that I have never actually lived, never actually been aware of myself as life.

I have applied self forgiveness on points that would bother me or cause a lot of tension/stress in my life as I have been participating in this process, but I have not gone fully within my application and did not let go of my self definition as “Joe Kou” as the collection of personalities that I have accumulated and created for myself through ego within trying to 'survive' and exist within this world while protecting myself from 'bad experiences' and suppressing points of unresolved, unforgiven fears and pains that I have bottled up within myself through my life. And while I realize that this is a process that will not happen overnight, I was not in fact living the words that I was placing and was steadily diminishing myself and my character with each lie that I told to myself and within this each lie that I told to others.

I have seen for myself that self forgiveness is in fact effective at stopping the programming and patterns, but if one does not go all the way within the application of self-correction and self-change within the point to forever stop that pattern, the same patterns will only come back and will seem even more difficult to remove because I have accepted them despite having applied self forgiveness and come to the realization that this pattern must end, and yet allowed them to continue within and as me as my actual manifested participation within this world. And once a point is physically participated in despite self honest realization, the point becomes more 'difficult' to diffuse because it has taken on a 'physical' layer that must be physically changed.

Within the walking of my process I did not slow down and give myself the opportunity to fully appreciate and apply the tools and would only apply myself when things got bad – and within this application I was actually participating in furthering my ego and self-interest within believing myself to be able to 'handle' things without having to fully apply self-writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-corrective application, and self dedication – I continued to allow points of dishonesty within and as myself despite knowing that I was in fact compromising myself.

I accepted and allowed the participation of “But I've come so far, and I'm able to continue and people seem to accept me” as the excuse and justification for not correcting myself and letting go – because for much of my life I have abdicated myself to and made myself enslaved to the acceptance/opinion/validation of others because I have not embraced myself and accepted myself.

Within all of this I created and manifested within my world many problems that I was not self honestly facing – one of the primary ones being that I was not in fact satisfied with my dedication and application within process yet I was continuing within the self-belief that my walking was equal to those who remained diligent and disciplined within their process. Instead of walking the point of humility and self honesty within letting go of the need to 'fit in' and be a part of a 'special group', I allowed myself to deceive myself and others when in fact I was not walking one and equal, and would actually be jealous/envious of people when I would compare myself to them within walking of this process, which lead to back-chat and spite because I rendered myself inferior to 'them'.

What I have been realizing for myself is that I have not worked through the point of self-hatred and self-sabotage within and as my ego, and much of this is attributed to the fact that I did not slow myself down to truly investigate and study and apply the material and pull apart my design of self before launching myself forward into a personality of being a picture/idea of a “destonian”. And within not having walked my process for MYSELF in establishing my standing and commitment to MYSELF, I found that my foundation was in fact not stable because the more I pushed myself to participate the more I found I was having trouble “keeping up” - because I was in fact only “keeping up” instead of walking fully within self-direction.

My understanding of myself and what this process is about was not complete, and I did not take the opportunity then to see this for myself. I realize that I myself have created this within what I accepted and allowed within myself as my back-chat and as my self-beliefs, and I see the point of self-creation is a constant process in which we must face and walk through that which we accumulate for ourselves and if we are not consistent within accumulating that which is best for all within self honesty, then we create situations where we must face the manifested consequences of our DELIBERATE self abuse and self manipulation – which is what I now walk and face within seeing my character, my 'standing', the world I had created for myself within dishonesty now collapse to find that I still remain and must now take responsibility for all that I have manifested.

Within all of this I see that I require to unconditionally forgive myself, as there can be no forgiveness from others – there is no point to be 'forgiven' because I must prove to myself that I take responsibility to never again allow this abdication and abuse to occur within myself or within my world – thus any forgiveness that comes from outside of myself is only further abuse within justifying my dishonesty.

The core of all of this is that I am realizing and now applying myself within this process for myself – to accumulate my own point of self-trust instead of applying myself because I did not want to stand alone and saw that there was comfort and support within the 'group' – here already making the statement that I do not in fact stand absolutely within my principles and must rely on the group to direct me.

Within this am working through the points of self-judgment that have kept me from fully walking this process for myself – and having manifested this experience of 'collapse' I see more clearly the points where allowed separation and dishonesty – so I give myself this moment of my life as an opportunity to stand up and correct myself with greater resolve.

What has assisted me within this experience has been to go back to the 'older' desteni videos – and get back to the simple basics and restart my walking – and to realize that this is in fact my one life and that it is ultimately up to me to make of it what I will within considering that what I do and what I accept has an effect on this world and on this reality and that this is not something to take lightly. So I can spend the rest of my life continuing with my pattens and self judgment and self compromise which leads to manipulation, dishonesty and abuse of myself and others in my world, or I can direct myself, humble myself, forgive myself, and walk a structured and disciplined process to stop this abuse.

I choose to direct myself, humble myself, and walk a structured process to release myself and take responsibility for myself and my world within what is best for all and to stop throwing away this life and this opportunity to stand up for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to my fears and limitations within believing that I am my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the realization that I must forgive all that I have accepted within myself that did not stand within self-honesty, and to instead hide within justifications and excuses to not live and apply myself fully within self-correction.

I stop. I am not my past and I am not my fears. I see and realize that I am fully capable of stopping and changing myself within disciplined application of self and that within this there is no excuse for limitation or fear as they are not in fact real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not matter in this world and that my actions and acceptances are 'inconsequential'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self honest and having to face the point of really starting over unconditionally and fully letting go of who I think and believe I am in order to birth a new self that is not already pre-programmed.

I let go of the fear of stepping into a new self that is not preprogrammed within realizing that the preprogrammed existence will only lead to the same points over and over again and will only generate more abuse of myself and others and see that if I do not stop myself and correct myself in my living, then I am in fact abusing life and abusing this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest within my issues of holding on to my ego within fear and anxiety and trying to hold myself together and present myself as 'perfect' in order to receive acceptance and validation, which leads me to be dishonest and manipulative in order to 'win' and gain that acceptance from others.

I do not require acceptance or validation from others as I am already here, and it is only my mind seeking energy and experiences for itself in separation from that which is actually here that leads to experiences of me believing that I am inferior or somehow lacking and 'unacceptable'.

I stop. I breathe. I allow myself to start over and keep standing and walking until iI never fall again to the mind and to limitation and to abuse of myself and this existence.

I apply myself and push myself and realize that I within my mind am the only one holding me back from living here as life and I will not accept or allow my limitations and self-interest to override what is best for all within the decisions that I make and walk.

I forgive myself that I have within disregarding myself in my walking of process, disregarded others who walk this process, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others within my dishonesty and ego, which I did not let go of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist starting over within the fear that this would me I would have to give up everything of myself and fully walk on my own without the relationships and support that I had built for myself in my previous walking which was not self-honest.

I see and I understand that I walk this process for myself and that self-honesty means I do not compromise myself as the point of self-honesty in order to be happy or experience validation or acceptance or to have friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak and talk about my realizations and to give 'advice' to others before fully and completely walking the point for myself to be able to stand AS the self realization and advice.

I start over. I breathe. Continue. When I see myself wanting to give advice to another I will first ensure that the words that I share are words that I live and will stand by for eternity as the example of how to live those very words and if/when I see I am not clear, then I will share that I am not clear within self honesty and simply share my perspective for what it is instead of wanting to be 'right' and have the 'right answer' and within that participating in allowing my ego to override self-honesty in the sharing of support with others, because I see that the words that I speak must be the words that I live – otherwise I will only diminish myself and give support as 'add vice' to another as myself.

I see and I understand that I will now have to walk through all of the layers of deception that I have participated in and that I will have to prove myself to myself through actual change in my world to accumulate my self trust and rebuild my character and that this will require patience, dedication, and commitment. I breathe, I walk, until this is done.

Can I unconditionally forgive myself and change? I will not answer that with words from the mind – but through my living application.

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