I have just experienced a point of lock-down and have gone into a point of blame and seeing another as being condescending and arrogant – and within this judgment I am separating myself from what this being is showing me as myself.
Some context – I am going to a coffee shop where there is wireless internet so that I can do some work on the laptop. The being that is going with me to the coffee shop to hang out and do work asks me whether or not I will be buying something. I mention that I might not. In that moment I assessed myself and saw that I was not wanting to have a hot beverage like coffee and that my stomach was still 'full' from a beverage I just finished.
The being that I was with then questioned whether or not I was okay with not actually buying anything yet 'hanging out' and at the coffee shop and using the internet. In that moment the being expressed herself in a way which I perceived to be righteousness and condescension, and I went into a reaction and resistance to the being, wanting to blame the being for being arrogant instead of slowing myself down and seeing what was actually going on within myself.
I participated in believing that this being was judging me by asking “So you're fine with not buying anything?” and then sharing the point that if she was a coffee shop owner she would not necessarily want people to just hang out and use the internet and not buy anything unless that was the determined 'atmosphere' of the shop – where there was an understanding that there was free internet and people are welcome to hang out – but in looking at the coffee shop that we were in, she shared that she did not see this to be such a place and she opened up the point of considering whether it was in fact cool that I was not actually buying anything.
Simplistically, at the moment when the being asked if I would buy something, I did not want to have anything and answered “maybe not”, so it was simply a case of not having clear communication. But due to my reaction to the other person asking me and projecting onto the other person that she was being condescending and judging me, I was not here and went into energetic possession.
I sat down and wrote out the points that were moving within me, and here I share self forgiveness which came from self writing on this point -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within reaction to another within and as my backchat instead of directing myself within remaining here and simply being self honest, and slowing myself down to effectively look at the point without ego and self-interest and direct the point within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other being was challenging me and wanting to change me or was in a point of judgment when she asked me whether I was okay with not buying anything while staying here at the cafe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the phrase and placement of words which have the structure of 'so you're totally fine', 'so you're okay with', 'so you have no points of'... in which I allow myself to participate within and as an energetic reaction and emotional experience of feeling as though the other is being condescending, as in “Oh, you think you don't have any points? I don't believe you, I will convince you otherwise because you are wrong/lying”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the other being questioning why I do or say certain things, within believing and projecting onto the other being that they are trying to prove a point for themselves as their ego and within this separating myself from how I do exactly the same thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I am experiencing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my internal experiences and reactions come from something outside of me that apparently 'makes me react' instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to participate or not participate in a reaction and that it is actually impossible for anything outside of myself to influence me unless I allow it to influence me within what I accept and allow myself to participate in.
I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other being is doing something to me that is causing me to react instead of realizing and applying the realization that my reactions come from my own points of separation where I am not wanting to look at and be self-honest with an aspect of myself and this I go into a reaction as emotion/feeling/judgment and thus blame something outside of myself so that I do not take the point back to self and take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the other being within my own projected reactions wherein I close myself off and become rude/spiteful to the other being, trying to get them to 'get it' and trying to make them admit that they are in the 'wrong' and that they should consider what they are doing 'wrong' instead of realizing that I am the one who must take responsibility in each moment and bring the point fully back to myself before being able to speak with clarity and without self-interest as ego and wanting to 'win' and be 'right' so that the point can actually be discussed from a starting point of equality within common sense and practicality as actual sharing of self with another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by the other being because of defining myself as a failure and as being inferior to the other being and thus blaming the being for being 'superior' and 'condescending' as though the other being has authority and power over me which is making me react or experience myself a certain way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for having diminished and abdicated myself to others and to be impatient with self as I walk my process to remove these layers of self abdication which I have participated in throughout my life, instead of realizing that this anger is not necessary as an emotional reaction but rather I am able to direct myself as self-movement within realizing that the anger indicates points where I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself before and did not stand up from, so to then direct those points where I notice anger within and as me and to in such moments support myself to no longer participate in the same points of accepted self-abuse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anger and frustration within and as myself, and to believe that such experiences are happening 'to' me instead of realizing that I am creating it and participating in it through what I am accepting and allowing as my own self definitions and opinions and self beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and disregard myself and to believe that I am not 'worthy' of self-forgiveness and self-change due to having judged myself extensively and defining myself as a being who is 'not worthy'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another being points out something to me that I am not taking into consideration, instead of slowing down and allowing myself to be humble with self instead of going into defending myself and trying to 'protect' myself from the perceived and projected judgment of another which is only and ALWAYS my own self-judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously focus on the things that I am not satisfied with in myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others in my world for how I am experiencing myself so that I do not have to actually face myself and be self-honest with how I have created myself to be this way and what I have allowed myself to participate in which has been abusive and dishonest to myself and to others in my world.
Self Forgiveness on reactions to the other being -
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to separate myself from what the other being is showing me within her expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within righteousness and projecting superiority over others and dominating others through my will as self interest, and to project this onto the other being within separating myself from this point and thus blaming the other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be condescending to others within the desire to be right and desire to win, which is what my reaction to this other being is revealing to me as what I have participated in within this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define the other being as being arrogant and condescending and judgmental.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach and associate the feeling and experience of inferiority and threat to the experience of another saying the specific phrase of 'so you don't have any points?', or 'so you are totally clear on this?', or 'so you're totally fine with this?' as perceived and projected condescension.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite another and to want them to take responsibility for themselves but in actuality wanting them to be 'wrong' so that I can continue to experience myself as 'right' and within that not have to face myself within my own points of separation and dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to desire for another to be 'wrong' so that I am able to get away with my own points of separation and dishonesty and to not have to be 'questioned' by another whom I have judged as 'inferior' and thus automatically 'wrong'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself when experiencing a point of inferiority and hiding from myself wherein I blame another for being arrogant and condescending instead of realizing that I am in a point of reaction and that it has nothing at all to do with the other person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my ego and self defined righteousness to get others to agree with me and to intimidate others and exploit what I perceive what I perceive to be weakness in others in order to win an argument or to impose my will upon another to gain a position of superiority where I then feel justified within being 'right' and being able to then tell the other being(s) what to do from a starting point of separation and self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out and manipulate points within others which I see I am able to use against them in order to gain a position of superiority so that I do not have to actually face myself within what the other being(s) in my world are showing me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exploit others and to participate within battles of ego and in order to win and impose my will upon others and upon this world within the self delusion of believing that I know everything and that my opinions and knowledge are 'correct'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as separation from others and from this world instead of seeing all that is here as myself and taking responsibility for what I am creating and manifesting in this world which is the reflection of what is being accepted and allowed within myself.
Self Correction -
When I see and notice myself going into a point of reaction or judgment due to how I am experiencing another being's expression, I will not allow myself to accept the judgment and reaction as real or valid and will support myself to bring the point of reaction back to myself and ask myself “what is this being showing me about me, that I am in separation from and not wanting to be self-honest about?”.
I see and I understand how I within my design of ego and individuality will seek whatever means necessary to not actually face myself and peel away the layers of self-definition which I have created excuses and justifications for due to believing that I am these self-definitions and thus fearing to 'no longer exist' if I let go of these systems within me. So in such moments when I am faced with a point of reaction within my world and I see myself going into blame or wanting to change the other or make the other responsible for how I am experiencing something, I stop, and I support myself with breathing, self writing, speaking out the point for myself, applying self forgiveness and corrective application, and take responsibility for what I am creating and participating in and stop the blaming and judgment of self and of others.
I do not accept and allow myself to remain within judgments and anger and projection against other beings in my world and in my environments. I do not accept myself to exist within the limitation and abdication of self responsibility of allowing blame and projection as mechanisms to not actually see and face self in self-honesty. I see and understand that all that is here in my world is revealing me to me and that I have this one life as an opportunity to see myself, reflect myself as what I have participated in and accepted, and as I reveal myself to myself and I push myself to remain self-honest with what I have participated in and separated myself from, I will myself and dare myself to embrace me as the change of self and as the 'dying' of who and what I have accepted and believed myself to be, and I embrace this process of birthing myself as life and no longer existing as the mind and as mind systems.
I walk this process until it is done. It is done.