Thursday, July 28, 2011

Stopping My Reliance on a False Identity

At the moment I am facing some conflict within myself – I am facing the point of self-direction and self-responsibility – which are points that I have abdicated myself within for quite some time.

It is fascinating how the mind finds reasons and excuses, dressed up as 'logic' and 'reason' which allows one to justify and excuse not taking self responsibility and allowing for one to continue existing within fear, limitation, and constant diminishment.

In looking back at the design of myself and seeing the manifested consequences of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in as my mind, I see that the life that has been unfolding before me has been pre-programmed, and that I am not actually alive or directing myself but rather simply allowing a life to happen 'to me'. I have allowed my mind's interpretation and logic to determine each and every decision I have made, as well as form the basis upon which I created myself as an 'individual' in this world – my desires, wants, preferences, and any points of 'individuality' have all been from what I have accepted and allowed within my mind. When I slow down to investigate this it is clear to see that before making a decision or moving myself to participate in something, the first thing that I tend to do is to consult with myself within my mind – fishing back through my stored memories and ideas and fears, and then based on those internal calculations I respond accordingly. This is the behavior of a robot – the behavior of a program running it's scripted patterns.

I see that within my childhood certain events occurred which I defined as 'traumatic' though in considering the greater spectrum of what is happening in this world what I experienced as a child pales in comparison to the level of abuse and suffering that takes place in this world on a daily basis. Yet I allowed myself, as my mind, as my 'consciousness', to define those moments in my life as being traumatic for me – meaning that I allowed myself to imprint within myself emotional reactions and fears which I abdicated myself to – believing that those experiences were greater than me, that I had no control, that I was a 'victim' to those experiences. Here I began to script myself within my mind, and abdicate myself as life. Within having experienced events in my life that triggered emotional experiences within me that I did not understand and did not know how to effectively diffuse, those points simply remained with me, suppressed, and eventually became a part of my actual manifested being – wherein I have actually and literally become that which I suppressed and did not let go of.

Growing up, I trained myself to hold on to my emotional reactions and bottle them up. I trained myself to 'contain' my reactions and emotions within myself – thus suppressing myself and continuously trying to 'hold myself together' and present myself as though I was fine when in fact I was emotionally unstable within myself. While I would present myself well (I believed I presented myself well) in front of others and would get validation for what a 'good' and 'well behaved boy' I was, inside me there was extensive backchat in the form of judgment, resentment, hatred, anger, and anxiety.

I see that when one exists within this kind of suppression – where there is a secret world in which one keeps all of their unresolved points, emotional instabilities, and suppressed issues, one is not able to effectively live here in the practical – physical world. Meaning while I was trying to hold myself together and not let on to anyone else what was actually going on inside me, I was not present with my actual practical living and did not actually develop as a person but rather focused on my internal reality – existing in this world for survival but doing my actual 'living' as the experience of myself inside myself – inside the world I created within myself to protect myself from a world that I had judged and feared.

I noticed that other kids would be more confident in themselves – they would express themselves somehow more 'fully' – and particularly when it came to physical activities – I noticed that I was not as active as other kids. This lead me to reinforce the self definition that I am 'different' and that I am not 'normal' – that there is something 'off' about me which I didn't understand and did not know how to communicate to others because at the same time I was afraid of what others would think.

Growing up I would often move back and forth between Taiwan and the US – often in the middle of a school semester. In school I did not develop a point of directing myself within learning. I did not do my homework assignments and did not do well with paying attention – and I see that it was not a learning disability that prevented me from being an effective student – I see that I was not HERE with myself – and I was still busy within my internal world – holding myself together and trying to make sense of my experience of myself – and was simply not interested in what was going on in class. As I would move back and forth from Taiwan to the States I would miss out on blocks of schooling – and points such as math fundamentals and general school studies were neglected. I see how I allowed this to adversely affect my ability to keep up with school later on – as I seemed to be struggling with basic points and did not have a desire to do well because I had already accepted that I was just 'not a good student' and that I am just not 'smart enough' and never will be. I resented school for 'making me' feel inferior and stupid – I blamed school for my own self-judgment and thus sought to spite school by becoming rebellious in my own way – deciding that I did not need school and that school was not going to actually teach me anything useful – so here I separated myself from school and learning and blamed the school system instead of realizing that I was holding on to self limitations which had their root back during my early childhood.

Through the years I had simply kept on bottling up my issues within myself and had developed a personality/ego which allowed for me to keep these issues suppressed. I developed personalities to exist as, as a coping mechanism so that I did not have to face those points again and convinced myself that I was 'normal' just like 'everyone else' even though I knew within self honesty that I was not actually the person that I would present myself as.

What I am seeing now is that no matter what, the issues that I suppress and separate myself from will always be with me until I myself walk through them and prove to myself that I can stand – that those fears and anxieties are not in fact real – and are only chunks of unresolved emotional/thought charges which I have stored within myself as my physical body and never allowed myself to deal with – thus these patterns will continue to re-emerge within my life. And as long as I keep listening to my mind – to the ego/personality that I have created to protect myself from my past within fearing the past, I will only go deeper and deeper into suppression and diminishment.

Thus I will myself to support myself through writing, self-investigation, and corrective application to strip away the layers of my self created walls – and release myself of fears, anger, and unreleased charges that I have been carrying and holding on to and defining myself as through self-forgiveness and realize that I am in fact not my mind – that I do not require to make decisions out of fear and limitation. That I am able to direct myself in each moment and in each decision to ensure that I place myself in a position at all times that will accumulate to what is best for all instead of limiting myself within my own insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as stupid, defective, and incompetent instead of slowing down to investigate what I have been holding on to and what I have been afraid of facing which has prevented me from being here and developing myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being unworthy and stupid because of not doing well in school instead of slowing down and realizing that the issue is not that there is something wrong with me – and simply that I did not understand what was going on within myself and that I did not develop the ability to effectively process information and instead allowed fear, stress, and anxiety to override my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously judge myself and give up on myself and accept myself as a failure instead of realizing that whatever it is that I would like to do or become, there is a way to become it if I apply myself effectively, which requires that I let go of my uncertainties and doubts and simply do what is necessary to be done to accumulate the desired outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within myself and believe that I am not in control of my life and that there is just something wrong with me that I cannot fix, which has been the excuse and justification that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in so that I do not in fact realize myself as life and change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my past and that my past defines me and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on fear of my past and anger/resentment of myself instead of making decisions within self-acceptance and self-honesty to ensure that I am actually working with myself and caring for myself instead of making decisions based on trying to 'hold myself together' and surviving as the personality/ego that I have created/constructed to protect me from my own suppressed issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to the ego/personality that I have created as a defense mechanism to protect me from what I judged to be too big for me to handle instead of realizing that I am fully capable and ready to take on my past and release myself/forgive myself of my fears and limitation and that I do not in fact require to exist as a personality in order to 'get by' and 'keep myself together'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value within the ego/personality that I have created in order to hide myself behind and to believe that I AM this self-constructed ego/personality who's function is only to prevent myself from actually seeing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself and resist facing the moments in my life where I diminished myself and allowed myself to go into fear and self-doubt, and within this fear and resistance to face myself in self honesty and self acceptance to feed and maintain my ego/personality as a way to not reveal myself to others so that they do not see and find out about how I actually experience myself, because I do not want to actually see and experience myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from who I am as here, as life, as the simplicity and magnificence of what is here within and as the physical and to instead lose myself within the mind by participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions, and defining myself by my past as picture images and imprinted fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for the survival of myself as the ego/personality of Joe Kou which I have crafted and intentionally created to not have to take responsibility for myself and face myself and direct my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my preferences, likes, dislikes, opinions, beliefs, and experiences when in self honesty I see and understand clearly that these are no in fact real and genuine expressions of me as life, but are the programmed and designed functions of an ego that I have hidden myself behind – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself and to manipulate myself and others in my world into accepting the ego/personality that I have been creating, maintaining, generating, and trying to 'hold together' as a shell to prevent myself and others from actually seeing me because I have judged and separated myself from me.

I stop. I walk this process not to hide anymore. I walk this process to birth myself here as the physical where there is no more fear or limitation within myself, so that I stand absolute as life without secrets or hidden agendas which render me untrustworthy and deceptive – which leads to deliberate abuse and manipulation out of self-interest/fear/survival.

I am here with myself and I cannot and will not abandon myself. I do not and will not give up on myself as life as that which I have always been, as that which as always been here but has been suppressed by what I have accepted and allowed myself participate within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions which are based on energy and thus not sustainable or real and must continuously be fed in order to be maintained.

I will myself to take responsibility for my life and stop fearing what I have accepted and allowed within myself and realize that I am here no matter what and that no matter what happens I have self honesty and self forgiveness.

I see and I understand that I cannot keep hiding from myself and that the person that I have been trying to live as is not real and has only been a device that I have been using/abusing to hide myself behind instead of actually daring myself to live and express myself unconditionally.

I see and I understand that the stress and fear and anxiety are not who I am as life and are showing me that I am trying to be something that I am not in an effort to protect myself because I believe I am inferior or unable to face/accept/correct myself – thus the fear and anxiety reveal me to me as self honesty. Thus when I experience fear and anxiety I bring myself back to myself an allow myself to see and realize what I am participating in in that moment which brings up the experience of stress/fear/anxiety and I release myself from what I am trying to hold on to/protect myself from because there is nothing in fact to fear other than my own self-dishonesty – and even my self-dishonesty is not to be feared because it is simply me not accepting myself – not loving myself enough to make the effort to change and let go of my fears.

So yes I am facing conflict in my life and instead of running away and trying to use my ego/personality to protect myself from my own past and my own fears, I stand and will not allow myself to doubt myself or separate myself from what I have accepted and allowed. I realize and understand that it is never personal and that I simply require to forgive myself and re-educate myself instead of allowing fear and ignorance as justifications and limitation. I see and understand that we are all walking this same process and that it is not about guilt or shame or blame – because we are all in this together equal and one.

Here i do not blame or judge myself or my mind - but stand equal and direct the point as equal to myself - no judgment or condemnation.  So I stop, I breathe, I support myself and let go of who I thought I was and I peel off layer by layer the walls I have placed around myself – and I embrace the self that I have been hiding as I continue to make myself whole again.

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