Supression to Expresssion

It is interesting having a look at how 'sneaky' the design of personality can be, wherein i have convinced myself that my expression is 'genuine' and that i am unique - that i am actually in control of who i am and what i express - that the expression that i am now is the actual expression i wish to have - which is not actually true - because i have yet to live actual unconditional self-expression in this life.

looking further into the point opened up in the previous blog - wherein i write about judging Lindsay's expression to be 'not genuine' and 'of energy' as well as seeing that it is my own projection that causes such a reaction within myself.

A first layer that i see within this judgment and resistance/discomfort within myself that arises when I see Lindsay expressing herself and enjoying herself with Beast - is that i have created a morality system around certain 'kinds' of expression - and have developed an idea within myself of certain kinds of expression are 'of the mind/energy' and therefore are not acceptable - making them 'wrong' as though to blame the expression itself.

This is coming from my own experience of having gone into energetic expressions - using 'character voices', going into my mind and playing out personalities in order to get validation/acceptance from others, compromising self within and as self-honest self-expression by participating in my addiction to energy as well as 'giving in' to group pressure - where i experience myself as needing to 'survive' as a social status/ego and thus adapt and push myself to make friends and get people to like me - and within this i would go into 'characters' - sometimes creating lies and fabricating things about myself to be more impressive, sometimes exaggerating aspects about myself and boasting or going into extensive gossip, use certain phrases/voices/tonalities/expressions in order to 'fit in' and be accepted - wanting only the validation and acceptance of others and not actually accepting self as the simplicity of breath here in each moment and expressing self unconditionally within presence and self-movement.

I have judged myself within the memory of having participated in going into 'characters' with certain friends and people and i am holding on to a guilt/resentment/regret/suppressed emotion on this point - because i see that i have had a belief that it was not comfortable/natural/pleasant to be 'fake' - even though my personality would enjoy the energy and validation i got from it, the validation would always wear off because it was never my own actual self-expression - and was always something 'borrowed' from my memories or from observing what i thought would get me 'in' with the others - often trying to imitate/become a personality that was far from my 'usual' self-expression in order to impress and manipulate others into liking/accepting/validating me.

i would become energetically possessed when my personality was 'working' and i was getting attention/acceptance/validation from others. i would get more and more into it and i would totally lose myself and try to convince myself that i actually AM this personality/'character' that i was portraying - but at the end there would always be a drop within energy and i would get depressed and be left with the realization that it was all an 'act' and that i in fact i had to work hard to upkeep and maintain this 'characterization' of self - and that within doing so i was diminishing myself as actual self-expression.

so here i formed a morality point within which i judge my previous expressions as 'bad' and 'not genuine' and 'not acceptable', and am holding on to guilt about having participated within and as energetic and personality possession - but this guilt is not REAL - and also there is another, more 'sneaky' layer beneath all this.

The second layer within this construct within me of reacting to certain expressions of self-enjoyment and locking myself down into a rigid and confined parameter of what i have judged/determined to be 'acceptable' - is that i am holding on to a want/need/desire to be accepted due to me not accepting myself and not being willing to walk myself to self-correction - believing that the fears, anxieties, and resistances i have built up within me are 'more' than i am, and thus not wanting to actually accept who i am, which would imply accepting my responsibility for changing myself - thus the point of 'guilt' within having participated in compromising self in order to be accepted/validated by others even though i knew within myself exactly what i was doing and exactly what i was hiding - an within this compounded guilt i had 'reasoned' within my mind's limited logic that it is best that i no longer participate in self-expression that is in any way similar to what i had participated in before - and within this i simply projected all of my own points onto the forms of expression themselves - judging 'having fun' and 'enjoying self-expression' based on my own guilt - and thus not trusting others when they are expressing themselves in a moment of self-enjoyment.

expression is NOT limited or defined - if it is, then it is not expression of self within unconditional self-honesty. self-expression without energetic movement can be anything at all - and it is up to each individual's self-honesty to determine whether one is fully HERE participating in each movement of self within awareness, or if self is being moved by thought/pictures/desires and are participating in an internal experience in order to not face themselves HERE.

for myself, i see that i am able to relax and let go of the guilt and judgments i have carried and to realize that one can express ANYTHING, in any way, and still be genuine within and as self-expression - when the starting point is actually self.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain kinds of expression as being 'of the mind' and therefore not 'real/genuine'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project and layer my own definitions of self-expression onto what is here in physical reality

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that lindsay's expression with beast is not 'genuine' and within this

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for not being 'genuine' with people

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stifle myself within the point of unconditional self-expression, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing self within that point of energy possession

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to lindsay's expression of self-enjoyment and 'fun' with beast

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not 'able' to play with beast because i do not find it 'natural' as my self-expression in this current moment to play with Beast the way that Lindsay does.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'letting go and enjoying-self' within self-expression should look like something that corresponds to my own judgment of what is acceptable/not in terms of energetic participation.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not capable of 'playing' with beast.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-expression, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allow myself to judge others who express themselves in the moment as 'abusing energy/not being here/not actually genuine'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have only what i deem appropriate within my mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to resentment and guilt within self for having participated in manipulation and energetic possession in my past

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within stifling myself and trying to exist within and as a shell/personality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself separate self from and as self-expression HERE

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to believe that i am not worthy of actual enjoyment - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to remain within guilt as a self-limitation so that i am not actually facing the point of self-acceptance

I stop. Whether or not Lindsay is fully here when she plays with and expresses herself with Beast is irrelevant to my own reaction - either way i am reacting because it is myself that is not being fully here and fully participating within self-awareness as self-enjoyment in the moment. i take responsibility within and as self to not allow self to stifle self within guilt or believing that i am not supposed to 'have fun' in this existence

there is nothing special, nothing right nor wrong, within expressing myself in the moment - and i will not automatically, overnight, suddenly be fully HERE within all that i do - thus it is impractical to assume that i am able to simply be fully self-directed within self-expression without actually expressing self and seeing where i am indeed in energy - where i am indeed possessed and not actually moving self. thus i will push myself to expand myself within self-expression - so that can establish in time who i am within self expression instead of wanting to be something 'through' expression - wherein the expression of myself is already compromised within the starting-point of wanting to be accepted.

within this it is also to not judge lindsay's expression as 'rightt' or 'wrong' or 'better' or 'worse' or anything at all - i do not need to 'copy' lindsay's expression. it is to break down my resistances and fears - and let go of my memories and self judgments - and have some fucking fun in this fucking hell-hole reality - so that i can actually function within this madness