I have a large pimple in the middle of my forehead at the moment, it is is actually quite fascinating now that i am sitting down and allowing myself to write out the points - because i see that i had suppressed my reactions to having such a large pimple in the middle of my forehead lol.
for a while i had been simply disregarding the point as though i had no reaction to it, but as it became more apparent and especially when Lindsay pointed it out, i began to grow more self-conscious (not self-aware) about having such a large and obvious pimple, and realized that this manifestation is specific - and recalled that represent suppressed anger, blame, and self-hatred, as shared on the desteni forum by Sunnete and Jack.
So I am looking now at the point of suppressed anger, blame, and self-hatred, and any points within which i am posing as an ego/personality manifestation of self in order to compensate for my actual experience of self which i have judged as not 'enough' - and specifically looking at the points where i am abdicating myself within trying to 'pose' as somebody 'superior' and 'in control' in order to survive within and as the matrix reality and blaming/hating self for 'having to do this', as well as taxing/draining self within the act of maintaining this facade of strength when my actual experience of self is not that of strength.
From Jack -
This is suppressed anger hiding within the subconscious mind - that had become the very being to such an extent - that the being is not aware of this anger/hatred towards self. This particular anger infuses itself within and as a subconscious layer (as it originates from within the subconscious mind) within and as the human physical body - presenting itself as pimples, acne or zits. This anger / self hatred is because of the acceptance and allowance of self deception in becoming a personality presentation of self - to conform and condition self to have the ability to exist and survive within the unified consciousness field - that experience of helplessness and hopelessness of 'having no choice' but to become this mind personality of the world as everyone else.
It is that 'part' of you within you that know what you're doing to yourself and accepting and allowing yourself to become this personality of the mind - because it seems that it is all that is 'known' to be done - there is no other way out but to become what everyone else is - a mind personality. Thus - anger / hatred towards self 'grows' and 'compounds' through age - and then manifest as pimples/zits/acne. Self forgiveness on anger, blame and hatred towards self suggested.
i see that i have been experiencing the manifested consequence of compounded points in relation to suppressing my actual self-experience and pushing/forcing self to adopt a personality that would be able to 'handle' things in the matrix reality - so that i am able to 'survive' and not be 'torn apart' by 'others' within the belief that others will not want to tolerate/put up with the 'weakness' that i have defined myself as - something i have done for many years - as a coping mechanism and also as a point of 'survival' wherein i developed myself to be able to function and pass myself off as 'stable' when in fact i was unstable within myself and experiencing myself as nervous, anxious, weak, incompetent, which are definitions of self that i have accumulated.
in the past few days i have been facing this point of blame, anger, and hatred of and as self- wherein i have revealed an underpinning thought/experience of 'i don't like myself' and 'i hate what i have allowed myself to become as a system' - very specific thoughts in relation to how i have come to be so drained and 'messed up' within myself as that which i have accepted and allowed within me - blaming myself for having allowed myself to become so diminished as life, as that which is here.
lately i have noticed myself wanting to continue doing 'more effective' equal money and current event vlogs, but realizing that who i am within doing the EMS series is not a fully amalgamated being - meaning that i am still scattered and distracted and can get lost - and will go into knowledge/information - presenting self as an 'authority' within 'superiority/ego' instead of actually opening self up and sharing myself. i have created doing equal money rants as a point of 'redemption' - because i see that i am able to be effective when i direct myself, and can speak on points effectively, but the starting-point is not clear and is of self-interest as ego/mind - wanting to present myself through and as knowledge and information because i do not trust/accept self within and as unconditional expression of self realizations - having judged self to be 'unacceptable'.
So here I am seeing that there is resistance to writing self-forgiveness and actually letting go - because i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is 'who i am', and that there is nothing i can do about it - not wanting to let go and actually have to face who i am within change - within dropping my self-definitions and comfort zone.
I am NOT my mind. I am HERE. I am stability. I am able to walk within and as self-trust and support myself with self-forgiveness as LIVING WORDS.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the suppressed anger, blame, and self-hatred.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress anger, self-hatred, and blame within myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become angry as an emotional reaction within self in regards to being a 'fake personality' in order to survive in the matrix world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because I wanted to express myself unconditionally but did not find myself able to within the matrix world, and instead began to stifle myself, withdraw into myself, and learn to 'behave'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must continue to exist within and as the personality design of myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for having to do what was necessary for me to survive, based on what I saw everyone else doing, and seems to be the only way to survive within the matrix, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for having accepted and allowed myself to 'give in' to the current system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge against myself for having accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in order to fit in and survive within the current money/job system.