Sunday, March 20, 2011
Its not just about ME - taking responsibility for spite and abuse of my partner
Today I was faced with the point of manifested consequence for not exposing my back-chat - and thus eventually being exposed for the deception and manipulation that i have accepted and allowed within myself and within existence - the point of manipulating another in order to have an 'agreement' and to be supported so that i do not have to face my own fears and actually push through them.
This has been a point that i have been hiding within myself - too ashamed to actually face it or take responsibility for it because of my own fear, ego, and self-interest - and within this i have accepted and allowed harm and abuse to be done within my blatant disregard for my partner - actually spiting her and all that she stands for because i refused to be self-honest and wanted to just have things go 'my way' and ensure that i have a pleasant experience for myself - not equally supporting or standing with my partner and holding on to secret back-chat within myself and allowing self to entertain thoughts of being with another, leaving the agreement, and projecting blame onto my partner for points that i am refusing to face and take responsibility for, wanting to make it 'her fault' when in fact it is myself and always myself that is responsible for what i experience and what i allow within my reality.
My actual starting-point within moving here was not self-honest - i deliberately withheld my internal agendas and misled and abused the trust of another in order for me to be accepted, validated, supported, to experience myself within an 'agreement' and to hide and not face my own points- and this is simply unforgivable. Since the beginning of this 'agreement' i have not actually moved myself to become effective as an equal partner - i have been only considering myself- and how this agreement can benefit ME- wanting to be supported financially so that i did not have to take self responsibility alone- which is absolute disregard, abuse, and exploitation -of which there is already an ample amount within this world.
I allowed myself to abuse another - deliberately spite another - manipulate and connive another - all because i spite, manipulate, and connive myself. Now I am seeing that i am at all times responsible for what i am allowing within myself - because what i allow within myself as the back-chat and secret mind thoughts and pictures is what actually manifests in this world and affects others in my world. The abuse I allow within self is the abuse I manifest upon others.
Now I forgive myself and correct myself and ensure that I no longer participate in this abuse. Within this, to actually LIVE the self-forgiveness as myself as the LIVING WORD - not allowing the words i place to be separate from me - which is me actually applying myself and correcting myself in practical, physical living and not just writing and speaking self-forgiveness alone.
it is shameful to have to abuse life in order to take responsibility for self and actually care for self as another. it is shameful to require that abusive playouts occur before i see myself and take responsibility only AFTER the pain has been inflicted and a 'wound' has been left. and it is shameful to require to experience shame before acting within self-will within self-honesty in consideration of what is best for all.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am able to hide and get away with participating in my secret mind as back-chat and not actually stopping or directing such points
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and deceive out of self-interest without considering that i am only manipulating and deceiving myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately mislead and manipulate another to accept and validate me as well as support me within limitation and self-definition
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as self-value and self-worth and self-respect.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to secret desires and back-chat instead of exposing them and letting go of them.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my partner within not wanting to face and deal with my own points of dishonesty and dependency yet expecting for my partner to continue to support me the way that i want to be supported.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself within thoughts associated with pictures and emotions - none of which are my actual physical expression.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is here, and what it means to be to be alive at the moment.
i forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as my partner.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow abuse and self-interest within me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to portray myself as 'innocent' within my participation as a way to manipulate my partner into admitting and accepting that she is 'wrong'.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner, and within this, abuse my partner within not seeing her as myself one and equal.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and within this, to allow my self-abuse to carry over and manifest into and as abuse/spite/disregard/exploitation of my partner which reflects me back to me that i might actually see what i am doing to myself.
i am responsible for what i participate in and all forms of back-chat have a manifested consequence if allowed to accumulate and not dissipate.
i am responsible for who i am within and as my self-agreement and my agreement with my partner.
i am responsible for becoming an effective and stable human being within this world in order to stand and face what is to come for humanity, no matter what.
within all of this the point of ending my agreement came up -
what i see is that such abuse of trust and disregard for another is unacceptable and unforgivable, and that i must forgive myself and correct this point WITHIN the process of walking this agreement.
for me to walk away from this point will only lead to me compounding this further and creating an even greater time-loop for myself and for anyone else who may be in my world. my starting point within walking away and ending the agreement would indicate that i am indeed accepting and allowing the abuse and manipulation within myself and others to continue - me walking away and ending this agreement would be me giving up on myself and all that i have walked to get to this point of realization - and this i will not do.
i see also that my point of disregarding my partner and not actually caring to be effective and moving myself, directing myself to work with her and support her one and equal is very much related to me having at an earlier stage in my life 'given up' on myself - deciding that i myself am not 'worthy', and within this going into personality and self-interest within not actually respecting self or having any sense of self-value or self-worth, rather simply existing within and as the mind as ego - wanting to be accepted but never accepting self - and now this is playing out in my agreement where i am not caring for the other, not seeing the worth and value of another as self, and self as the other, yet wanting the energy/validation/support of the other.
thus i recommit myself to walking my self-agreement and walking my agreement with my partner - to push and expand myself and my partner within self-worth, self-value, and self-honesty in all ways - i commit to changing myself and standing up for what is best for all - and within this to live the realization that i must start with self - that i must equalize self and take responsibility for myself in this process before i can stand and assist/direct what is best for all.
thus it is to not accept anything less than who i am, and to not accept limitation within myself - to push myself to expand and be able to express myself to my fullest capability within what is best for all - and establish for myself the point of self-respect, self-love, so that i can in fact respect and in fact 'love' another as self, and respect and love LIFE as one as equal.