I am seeing a point of accepted and allowed 'laziness' and resistance within my self-writing - wherein i push myself to write, and within the experience of writing myself i often experience 'dozing off' or actually falling asleep as i am doing the writing - and then it becomes difficult to even be coherent within the words that i place - as though i am in total shutdown. this is not acceptable - as this indicates that my application within writing is not completely self-directed and there are still points within and as the mind that are currently dominant.
for example the blog i wrote last night - i indicate that i did not yet do self-forgiveness on the point of anxiety/nervousness - but then continued to write and did not actually push myself to write the self-forgiveness within the accepted/allowed belief that 'i don't see the point clearly/i need to open this up further', which is actually limitation within and as the mind - enslaving myself within defining myself as my limitations.
i recall writing and not being 'clear' with my words - my mind was active and i was distracted by the thoughts in my head when i sat down to write - within this there was a point of trying to 'focus' on being here yet there were still thoughts and resistance going on inside me when i was writing - thoughts of 'time' and wanting to 'be done', making the blogging a 'chore' instead of an act of self-support.
i see also that i have created a point of 'pressure' within dedicating to blogging daily - making it a point of 'i must post a blog each day to prove myself' wherein the writing and posting of a blog is done from the starting-point of wanting to prove something to myself yet within this disregarding the aspect of self-supportive, self-directed writing.
thus here i am placing for myself the self-correction and self-forgiveness on this point, as i see that if i do not direct this point it will continue to accumulate and my writing will not be as effective as they can be.
here i flag the secret mind/excuses/justifications that come up in relation to self-directive, self-corrective writing each day -
I fall asleep, zone out, find it 'difficult' to write cohesively and experience 'shutdown' within myself as i write.
here i am accepting/accumulating self-limitation within believing that my 'zoning out' and 'falling asleep' are affliction that 'happen to me' instead of taking the point back to self - and seeing that i am the one accepting and allowing self to participate within the 'zoning out' and 'falling asleep' and feeding those constructs with more energy by placing myself as 'victim' to it.
i stop this.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i 'cannot control' when i get sleepy, zone out, or fall asleep as i am writing.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and be frustrated with myself when i experience the point of getting sleepy and zoning out as i am writing.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feed ideas within and as my mind in relation to me blogging/writing each day - within believing that i will have to keep 'pushing through' this point and within this believing that this point is something 'difficult' to push through
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to 'force myself through' the point of falling asleep/zoning out by continuing to write even when i am physically falling asleep as i type, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the thought of 'this should not be happening, this is not acceptable' instead of practically supporting myself to get up, walk around, take a break, or even allow self to take a nap and clear up/dissipate the resistances and energetic movements within me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make 'time of day' a determining factor within my writing, wherein i place pressure upon myself when it is later in the evening and i am anticipating going to bed at a certain time, and within this my writing is not unconditional and rather becomes an 'assignment' that must be 'turned in' by a certain time.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as rushing and uncertainty within my writing - which reflects rushing and uncertainty within and as myself
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate self from the act of blogging daily, creating it as something that i 'must do' instead of the blogging being an actual expression/sharing of self.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my blogging should 'look' a certain way or fit a particular format as determined by the mind within thoughts of comparision to the blogs of others.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be uncertain and doubt myself within writing and expressing myself through and as my writing.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to my pattern of falling asleep/zoning out while writing, and participating within self-judgment and annoyance, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the act of blogging as being 'difficult for me' instead of taking responsibility for what i am experiencing inside myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself within emotional/energetic reactions and thoughts regarding blogging, time, falling asleep, and zoning out instead of assisting myself practically to stop feeding the mind.
when and as i see/notice myself having resistance to blogging/writing i will stop, breathe, and realize that this is not a 'homework assignment' that must be done a certain way, by a certain time, and that i am within that participation actually stifling myself and limiting myself as all as one as equal - defining self by my own projections and resistances.
when and as i see/notice myself experiencing myself as 'unclear' as to what to blog about i will stop, breathe, and simply write a few notes and bullet-points in my notebook, giving myself a loose structure to write on and fill out instead of allowing self to feel overwhelmed.
when and as i see/notice myself falling asleep or zoning out, i stop immediately, breathe, get up from my chair and support myself within not participating in judging myself or holding on to any attachment of writing/finishing the blog - and support myself in the physical by speaking, having a break, walking, engaging in my actual reality, or taking a nap - and then returning to the writing once clear - within this letting go of all ideas and constraints in relation to 'time'.
for the moment i will leave this here as a work in progress - as i see there are other points to be written out in specificity to be followed with self-forgiveness.