Many points came up for me today within going for my second interview and audition for the job at the Democratic Party of Oregon and ending up not getting the position.
I see that that writing out all the points that came up would not be practical do to in one sitting - thus i will apply myself within 'taking care' and allowing self to place into specificity the points that have come up over several writings.
Here I lay out a loose structure for myself to work with
I will begin with my audition.
At the audition i was handed a script to read and rehearse. The script is meant specifically to get a person to donate money to the Democratic Party of Oregon (DPO) and there are specific expectations on how to deliver certain lines within the script to ensure the maximum effectiveness of the words being impulsed. As I read the script and was coached to make adjustments, it became clear that i was nervous and was not genuine within how i was delivering the 'ask' part of the script, which is where specific lines are used to get the person to donate money - which obviously is the most important part.
within this nervousness i see that i was holding on to points of believing 'i don't belong here' and 'i am being fake' - in self-honesty i did not want to be associated with the democratic party, and did not want to raise funding for the democratic party because i have judged money and have also judged the democratic party. i felt 'fake' - being an 'infiltrator' who did not actually have any interest in supporting or standing with the democratic party and only doing this for having a point of income as well as being able to build experience being around politically active people and wanting to have an experience wherein i expand myself within the point of politics - which is rooted in self-interest within not actually wanting to support the campaign that i would be working for and wanting to benefit from.
there has also been a point of 'general' nervousness and anxiety when doing things i have not done before, in places i have not been before, and dealing with people that i have not met before. when all three of these elements 'combine' or happen in such a way that the events overlap - i tend to experience a point of nervousness/anxiety/and a hyper-sensitivity in regards to what i think others see me as.
as i read the script i found that i had trouble being genuine and convincing within my delivery. i was seeing this as a script and was not actually wanting to express the words written there within self-expression, and rather fell into the personality of a 'salesman' making a sales pitch - which is the opposite of what the DPO is looking for. So here my physical body/expression was not letting me 'bluff' my way out, as it was obvious in my constriction and presentation of self that i was not genuinely interested in gathering support for the DPO was was rather in this for my own personal reasons - to build up experience and make contacts within local politics, as well to have a job and have a point of stable income.
after the reading sessions, it was announced that we would go on break and return in about an hour. I took this time to walk around and rehearse the script - and as i continued to read and correct my intonations i began to see how i was not effective within the way i was presenting myself in the room with the directors - and saw as i kept rehearsing that my expression was that of somebody who was not actually a democrat, trying to convince another person who IS a democrat to donate money to an organization that i myself do not actually stand for, but am simply doing a job/working for - and i see how this is not acceptable if the DPO expects contributions - anyone doing this job must carry themselves as a 'fellow democrat' making a 'house-call' to inform fellow democrats of the situation and state of the party, and to collect money that is 'rightfully' belonging to the DPO - from the perspective of this being a 'service' to those who actually do support the Democratic Party - to collect funding and contributions on their behalf to support the party they are registered with - whereas i was taking the approach of a 'sales-pitch' and only looking at the aspect of asking for/taking money from somebody and believing that i must convince them or 'convert' them.
so within realizing this adjustment to the starting-point i rehearsed the script more and more until i had gotten to a point of satisfaction that i had understood and integrated what was 'expected' - seeing for myself the practicality of how the script is worded and why it must be delivered in a very precise and specific manner. within this i got to know the actual starting point necessary to do this job - and seeing how i had separated myself from and judged the democratic party as well as the job of collecting campaign funds door to door - superimposing my own beliefs/opinions upon it and limiting myself within my perceptions.
when the break was over and we were called into the main office, the head director pulled me aside and asked to speak with me in another room while the others congregated. within me i knew already that i was not going to make the cut. she brought me outside to the lobby area and informed me that she has seen many people come and work this job but did not have the necessary attitude for asking for money door to door each day, and that over time this point compounds and people end up not wanting to do their job anymore because of this point - eventually growing resentful at the 'job' they must do. she informed me that this is likely to be the case with me - that it would be best for me to not continue. she thanked me for my time, and i thanked her for the opportunity to come in and learn, and then i left.
walking away i experienced within myself a sense of 'failure' and went into self-judgment for not having 'what it takes' to do this kind of work, and also had some fears in relation to not having a job - and how i felt less secure/certain within myself due to having associated comfort/stability with money and having a stable income.
ok this is the basic structure of events and main points that came up - i will take these into more detail with further writing.