Ok here is another 'raw' point that i have not yet investigated but will continue to clarify on.
Here i am looking at the point of nervousness/anxiety which has opened up within the last few days - noticing that i have a consistently reoccurring pattern of going into anxiety, nervousness, and stress as well as being prone to thoughts, reactions, and internalization when i am 'idle' and not busy with working on something.
the anxiety and nervousness has been more and more obvious in the last few days as i have been participating in things that i would normally not have done - whether it is something totally new that i have not done before or there is no desire or interest to do something and i must push myself within and as self-will. as i walk into these situations i go into a point of visible anxiety and nervousness as well as a clumsiness within and as my physical movement.
also, i have nervous tendencies and physical twitches with my hands/fingers that will occur when i am fixated within and as my mind trying to 'figure something out' or when i am busy with picturing something play out in my mind, perhaps trying to 'prepare myself' for a task to be done and generating fears/resistances which then feed the stress and anxiety.
there also a general sense of 'i should be doing something', 'i should be doing MORE', as well as a consistent stream of thoughts related to not wanting to seem 'awkward/clumsy' around others, which of course leads to me manifesting that exact experience of being socially awkward/uncomfortable and/or clumsy in the way that i move myself in the physical.
it has been humbling to see the extent to which i have existed as this limitation of constant/consistent anxiety and nervousness - to such a degree that my actual physical body shakes and movement becomes unnatural, as well as noticing that i cannot actually allow self to sit still and RELAX and enjoy myself - i am still in a point of anxiety/nervousness and wanting to busy myself and lose myself within the work.
within this point of anxiety/nervousness is also the ego wanting to 'cover it up' and present itself as 'always effective' - thus creating more anxiety/nervousness because i am not already 'established' within my world.
what i see is relevant to take on here is -
relaxing and allowing self to de-stress and enjoy-self - push self to relax self.
allow self to be nervous - and push self to open up to what is here.
more to continue