Today I went to a dentist's office for a check-up and some interesting points opened up from that experience.
First is the point of me making an appointment and pushing myself to go and see a dentist, which is something that i have known that i 'should do' for quite some time now, since having noticed some pain, bleeding, and recently a persistent bad breath despite efforts to maintain good hygiene. For many years I neglected to take proper care of my teeth - and would eat sweets and drink sodas or sweet beverages before bed and not brush - and would only brush during the morning. This led to me having my fillings fall out, needing to have a root canal done, and also to gum disease which has eaten away at the bone to such a degree that it will not recover completely.
I remember when the pain of my infected tooth became so great that i swore to myself to never allow this to happen again - and after paying for a root canal that i was barely able to afford, i still did not do as much as i could have. During the operation for my root canal, the doctors informed me of having periodontal disease and that i would need to get that taken care of. it has been two years since.
i have been using the excuse of not having enough money (which was often true but definitely not a valid excuse in self-honesty in order to justify why i did not go and get my teeth taken care of - when in fact i had my priorities set up in such a way that i was using spare money to entertain myself and get things for myself such as movies, going out to eat, and buying junk food - all of which could have been siphoned into getting my teeth properly worked on.
what i have come to realize is that i am the only one who can take care of my physical body, and it is my responsibility to support this body which has unconditionally supported me. it is also a point of taking actual care of the physical instead of investing into the preferences and interests of the mind - indulging in energetic experiences instead of considering what is actually here - the very teeth and mouth that supports me to live and sustain myself.
While the dentists checked my teeth and gums, it was determined that i require to have deep cleaning done as well as some other procedures along the way to correct my teeth and gum problems. During the deep cleaning the dentist scraped around underneath the gum-line of my teeth to removed built up plaque and calculus - which at some points became rather painful.
What was interesting is that while the operation was happening i focused on being aware of my breathing, and instead of participating in the mind or distracting myself from what was happening or trying to suppress the sensation of pain, i allowed myself to embrace the pain - and be aware of the actual sensations going on as i breathed, being here with my teeth and gums. in a way it seemed the make the pain 'intensify' - but also there was a sort of 'comfort' within being HERE with it - breathing and allowing myself to experience each jolt of pain, experiencing the sharp instruments poking into and under my gums, being HERE and feeling the tools move from tooth to tooth slowly and methodically - and painfully in some instances.
What i noticed within this application of pushing myself to be here with all of the pain and being aware of my breathing was that the pain did not 'bother' me - i did not flinch or jerk from the sensation of pain besides an occasional tenseness for a second or two when a particularly painful spot was being worked on. My body was quite relaxed and i experienced the procedure as being rather enjoyable from the sense of being here with my body and fully embracing it all.
what i am seeing within this experience is just how much i have separated myself from my physical body - in terms of not taking proper care of it, maintaining proper hygiene, and separating myself from the actual sensations and experiences of my body - all that it goes through and 'puts up with' while i have participated within and as my mind - too 'busy' to notice and consider the physical body that is allowing me to experience myself here, and how i have neglected my relationship to what is here in the physical - not considering my physical body to be actually 'alive'.
at the moment my gums are sore - and i am here 'with' them - embracing the pain and allowing myself to actually feel and be aware of my body as well as breathing.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own physical body to such an extent that i neglect/disregard my physical body.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself practically in the physical instead of going into the mind within preferences.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disregard who and what i am as life here in the physical, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in personality preferences and energetic experiences instead of practically supporting self.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as breath in each moment.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within personality and ego/self-interest.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking care of my teeth
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of my human physical body in each moment.
i am here - i reestablish my relationship with and as my human physical body and within this i commit to align and amalgamate myself within and as the physical, standing one and equal.