Confessions of an Ex-Gamer

I was watching a vlog by Cameron today about his experience playing a popular new video game, and noticed that I had went into judgment and reactions, which I will expose here.

I see that I had projected my own self-judgment onto Cameron, in not actually wanting to face my own points within video games, which have been a big part of my existence.

For a long time I was an avid gamer. I would spend days and sometimes weeks playing a game, wanting to finish it, wanting to explore every detail of it, wanting to find all the secret stuff and achieve all the special endings and bonuses. For me, video games were my ultimate escape and ultimate form of 'relaxation' and 'enjoyment'. I preferred video games over pretty much any other activity except for masturbation/sex and even then it was not always the case.

As I discovered desteni and began my process, I had seen how I allow myself to get 'sucked in' to video games - really getting possessed and 'losing' myself in them, deliberately pouring all of myself into the experience of the game and not facing myself through using the game as a distraction.

Also I began to look at the things I would be doing in the games itself- what the video game characters would do and how it was reflecting back what we have accepted within and as existence. The games I would play would always involve shooting people or fighting, or would have violence as the chief means of progressing through the game - rarely did i play games where there was a peaceful resolution to the conflict - and when there was such a game, i would find it boring, having become addicted to doing 'cool things' and 'letting off steam' by shooting people, going on 'epic adventures', attacking enemies, fighting, causing violence within the world of the video game, and saw that I do not want allow such violence to be an acceptable means of 'dealing with things', and made it a point to drastically reduce my gaming.

After that, I would stop playing video games and every now and again I will have a bout of playing some games for an hour or two for a few weeks, and would stop again. I see that I had judged video games as being a point of distraction/feeding the mind, and had categorized it as something that i 'shouldn't do'.

So in watching cameron's vlog on playing a video game, i saw my own judgment and resentment for having to 'give up' video games which i enjoy playing out of a starting-point of morality as well as making video games something 'wrong', as though it was the video games and not self that was 'distracting' and 'feeding the mind'.

I see now that there are many cool points to see within playing video games- seeing what points i am accepting/allowing within myself, seeing what kinds of games i respond to and enjoy, seeing what characters and stories i like within the games i play, etc.

I see also that i had wanted to simply 'stop playing video games' as though it would remove the points of reaction within self and not facing who self is within and as playing video games.

as always it is the starting-point.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project onto Cameron my own point of having judged myself for being a 'gamer'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to admit that I was very much addicted to gaming as a distraction and did not direct myself within playing video games.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge video games as 'bad' because it is a distraction from self and is feeding the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that video games themselves are distracting and feeding the mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who play video games as deliberately distracting themselves and feeding their mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge video games from a starting-point of knowledge and information based on my understanding of process at the time

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for playing video games and enjoying playing video games.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse playing video games as enjoyment in order to distract myself and not face myself, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use video games as a means of suppression.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use video games as a point of escape when i do not want to face a point within self, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately 'lose myself' in a game and 'forget' about the points that i am facing.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself fear that i am not able to direct myself within playing video games

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'wrong' to play video games based on morality within believing that playing violent games is feeding the mind-consciousness system and manifesting actual violence within existence.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that playing violent video games equals feeding the mind and manifesting violence within existence.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the point of 'i quite playing video games' as a status marker for myself within process.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the video games for my own points of distracting self and not wanting to face self.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to entertain thoughts of morality/good-bad onto the point of video games.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i will 'lose myself' within video games if i play video games again.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge what is here within the manifestation of video games

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am 'superior' to violent video games because i am not 'feeding the mind' or 'distracting self'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful to Cameron for being able to 'enjoy' video games.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to stop atrocities in the world, we must start participating within the games.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make playing video games into anything other than what it is in the moment.

I STOP.

Playing a video game is playing a video game. I let go of all pictures and ideas as well as memories related to or projected upon playing video games.

When/If i notice myself going into a point of energetic possession while playing a video game, watching a movie, or participating in entertaining myself in general, i stop and investigate the point of reaction and do not judge the form of entertainment that is here.

i stop judging any and all forms of entertainment that is here, and see them as a reflection of where we are as a whole within process. thus to not avoid or resist the entertainment, but to direct myself within how i experience entertainment in this world.

TILL HERE, NO FURTHER. I stop fearing/resisting what is here.