Lately I have been facing the consequences of compounded points that I have accepted and allowed myself to not deal with or walk myself through in specificity through writing, self forgiveness, and self application.
What is happening is that the points where I had not previously stood are now being faced again and the experience within myself is very intense. It is as though I MUST get to a point of self honesty and stability or surely I will explode lol.
A fascinating thing that has developed within these recent compounded experiences is that when I am experiencing a "charge" within myself, where I feel I must "go down in a blaze of glory" and force myself to do something that will "remedy" my mistakes or any points I had previously not directed, what is going on is actually a personality construct within me of wanting to be the "noble hero" who does the most courageous and 'selfless' thing to 'fix' what is wrong even at the cost of his own well being.
For example, a point will compound to a state of near explosion- where I experience within myself a sense of "Fuck, I know how I am creating this point of dishonesty and I am aware of the consequences if I allow it to continue. Now I must "prove" my "worth" by doing the most courageous act of "self correction" as "penance" or "punishment" for what I had previously failed to do."
Within this, I create within my mind the scenario of me actually creating and forcing the "worst case scenario" to happen and to put myself into a situation that may compromise my well being for the sake of "self redemption".
Here, the desire for "self redemption" becomes the directive principle instead of me actually applying myself in self honesty and within practical common sense. The point of "self redemption" wants to create a "blazing glory" scenario where I drum up some epic event and "test" myself to walk through it to "prove" that I am worthy of redemption- which has nothing to do with practically dealing with the consequences of my actions and practically dealing with self corrective actions that are relevant to what is happening- here, I go on a chase for "redemption through epic trial" instead of looking at how i created the point, what i am currently accepting and allowing, and how to equalize my realization within self to what self is actually participating in.
Within the realization of letting go of any desired "outcome" and to simply be HERE in each moment AS the self realization and self correction, one is able to very easily and naturally stand and direct the point. The solution is the beingness of self one and equal to the insight brought forth by self honesty, and can be as simple as speaking to a person or physically participating in an activity, or even just breathing through a point and no longer accepting it to control/direct you.
Also within this, I am able to bring HERE the point to be faced, walk myself through the corrective actions and insights by experiencing it all HERE as self in a moment, apply self forgiveness and stand as the point of self honesty and self trust, and the point will diminish and the correction is simply here as self- absolute. No need to go and "fix" how others feel/think about you or "apologize" for anyone you have "wronged"- such are devices of mind/ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the "tragic hero" archetype who realizes that something must be done, but instead of being self honest and working on the problems effectively, chooses rather to create a sense of "epic-ness" and melodrama- effectively turning ant hills into mountains- for the sake of an energetic "payoff" for the personality- where either I will "triumph" and experience myself as an epic hero who has redeemed himself through "trial of fire", or as the "tragically fallen martyr" who gave himself up for the epic task.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create melodramatic scenes within my mind which I believe I must re-enact in my physical in order to "redeem" myself when facing a compounded point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind/personality within the act of wanting to design/create a certain outcome within walking self correction for a point being faced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an energetic "victory" experience within "ramping up the stakes" for a point being worked on
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and as my mind/personality embellish and exaggerate the "challenge" of a point in order to experience a greater sense of "accomplishment/validation"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only redeem myself if others see it and note me for it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate "redemption" as "correcting the beliefs others have of me" instead of applying and living the word "redemption" as returning self to a state of self authority, self honesty, and self direction, wherein I am redeeming self from mind/personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire making a public "display" of self seemingly charging and storming through a "transcendence point" so that all will note me as having "transcended".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self corrective action as "fixing the impression others have of me"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the impression others have of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the image others have of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the image/personality I have created for myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must do something epic and outrageous in order to correct self within a point being faced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create pictures and energetic experiences and conversations/scenes within my mind and imagination related to how I would like to experience self transcending a point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have not considered that self application and self correction can be as simple as breathing through a point and not participating in a thought.