For a long time now, I as Joe Kou had been in a process to "discover" myself... and trying to fill a "void" within me.
I did not know what this void was, or where it came from... but I felt it. It was that feeling inside of me when I saw honestly what was going on in the world... that feeling that was showing me "this is NOT the way."
This nagging "void" was an emptiness... it was like a question mark hanging over me which nobody else seemed to see. It seemed to be my personal "burden".
I dug into the topics of metaphysics, parapsychology, occultism, spirituality, and ancient wisdom traditions... all in an effort to find a way to fill up this void.
There would be brief moments of apparent "clarity", as though I had found a key into unlocking the bubbling mystery inside me... but none of it has ever lasted more than a month or so. After such epiphanies I returned to that state of emptiness... and again the weight of that invisible question mark hung upon my shoulders.
What I now realize is that the void... the "emptiness"... the unanswerable question... is who and what I really AM, and truly was... through the entire time of me being Joe Kou.
I am the one that knows "this is not the way". I am the one that is living within and as that very question of how things got this way and what can be done to "get it back on track"?
I as Joe Kou did not realize at the time that Joe Kou was the illusion all along.
And so, some application here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for meaning and reason OUTSIDE of myself instead of standing up within and AS the things I was seeking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the experience of this inner voice as something "bad" which had to be gotten rid of.