a while ago the phrase 'being humble with my stumble' came up in a discussion i was having with lindsay - and i see that this expression is appropriate for what i am facing lately - which is to be humble and self-honest with what i have accepted and allowed and realizing that it is alright to make mistakes and fall - but it is not alright to allow myself to not stand back up again.
I am seeing a pattern here within how i approach my process - where points will come up, i become aware of the point, but then the point is allowed to compound within me as i internalize and analyze the point over and over rather than take on the self-corrective application necessary, which leads to me becoming unstable and untrustworthy due to holding on to all of these unresolved points.
it is also important for me to realize that effective self-correction must be lived in each moment - there is no leeway. and within this, effective self-correction can be anything from writing to support myself through a point, speaking it out, speaking/writing self-forgiveness to get to a point of clarity and release, or simply breathing and touching something with my hands and bringing myself back HERE. a chat with Bernard was particularly assisting for me in terms of the realization that my satisfaction with how i apply myself is able to be measured by each breath - instead of going into the past or projecting into the future, separating myself from HERE, where i must be and stand - rather make sure that i am satisfied with what i am accepting and allowing within this current breath - and then move on to the next - this has assisted me in letting things go - moving myself HERE from moment to moment.
i have been slipping on my application and consistency lately, and what has kept me from moving effectively is the point of EGO - of which i have massive amounts that have been given permission and access to how i live and what i do - meaning i have allowed myself to be 'driven by' my ego and self-interest extensively in this life and must walk a very disciplined process to restore self as the point of authority - as the LIFE that I am, as the Living Word, and move myself and 'learn' to how actually care about life - as all as one as equal - where all things that i allow within myself and my world begin from the starting-point of what is best for all and will not cause harm or abuse.
this point of ego must end - it is conniving, deceptive, and infinitely patient, and will stop at nothing so long as i carry within me any shred of self-interest or dishonesty or allow myself to sabotage myself.
as i walk this point and push through the layers of self-judgment and self-defeat, as i realize and live the application that i am NOT my mind, that I in each breath determine what i will accept or allow, that i alone am responsible for how i experience myself, and how i impact the rest of this existence, the more i am able to 'face' and 'handle' the nasty shit that i have accumulated within myself, and forgive myself. within this i have to realize that this will be a lengthy process that will require that i commit myself to walking this fully, and that i will have to give up all that i have known myself to be as 'joe kou' and birth myself as life as what is here, as the Living Word, as the expression of self without ego/self-interest/fear/separation. the only way to do this is to do it breath by breath and to not ever allow self to give up.
at the moment i am allowing self to actually face and see the nature of what i have allowed as my 'back-chat', and it is not cool at all. initially i went into reaction and resistance about the fact that i have existed so long as an abuser of life - as a deceiver and manipulator, and within this not wanting to have to face the responsibility of what i've participated in - but as i push myself to remain self-honest and embrace my 'evil twin', the more i am able to really forgive myself and let go, and the more i am able to see in my darkest moments that 'this too, shall pass' and that i remain, no matter what.
I allow myself to be humble in my stumble.
I get back up, and walk, no matter what, until it is done.
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