Friday, February 25, 2011

Procrastination Part 3 - investigating the origin points

Here I investigate further the point of procrastination -

Memories/imprints of procrastination - in specific i am having a look at moments in my life where i participated in procrastinating and accepting/allowing self to exist within fear/anxiety/insecurity and thus not pushing self through.

I remember being in elementary school - I would not want to do my schoolwork - and throughout the semester I would shove uncompleted work assignments into my desk, which would accumulate into a large mess of papers that i was supposed to have worked on. i see how even at that age i had points of self-doubt which i suppressed within just wanting to have fun - wanting to do things my own way, not caring about doing school work - which was my way of coping with a fear/resistance to facing the fact that i had trouble doing the work - trouble focusing and applying myself and trusting myself to be able to get the work done, which is a point i began to accumulate within myself since those early ages. I would place this specific memory/experience around the age of 7-10 in the grades 2-5, where throughout my schooling i would not do as well in certain subjects - math specifically - and would allow the resistance to continue within me and further suppress the point by deciding within self that i 'did not care' about such things and just wanted to have fun/play/express myself the way i want to.

the fear/resistance to doing the work, looking in self-honesty, was not about me being a 'free spirit' or simply deciding to 'rebel' against perceived authority, but is related to a point of fearing disappointment/failure to such a degree that i resisted learning new things or having to be in situations where i may need to apply myself and work on something - i hindered myself within an expectation of failure which came to be ingrained and become a part of my actual lived personality design as i matured.

so how did i develop such a point of fear and lack of self-trust/self-value? i see that self-value/self-worth is relevant here - in that i did not have a confidence within myself but rather depended on validation/acceptance from others - and when i did not get this validation/acceptance i would go into a polarity experience of 'there is something wrong with me', 'i am not good enough/acceptable', 'i am stupid/not intelligent enough', and would isolate myself from most of the other students - only participating from a point of projected self-image and picking certain friends whom i was able to receive validation and acceptance from. it is the same with how i approach situations within my participation in the world - i isolate myself and hide away from the points that i allow myself to be intimidated by due to fear that i might 'mess up' or end up not being effective enough to do a task effectively, and within this fear rather limit myself to doing things the way 'i know how to do it' - which often is not practical, but allows me to remain within the 'comfort' of my limitations and not have to face the aspect of having to push myself and apply myself and possibly make mistakes and not 'get it' right away.

i see that this has to do also with my upbringing - having accepted and allowed myself to internalize and define myself within a fear of getting into 'trouble' and doing something 'wrong' - which would result in my mother disciplining me through hitting me, yelling, becoming possessed within anger - which i feared and grew resentful of - and thus associated 'mistakes' as something to be completely avoided - that i must present myself as perfect and not show any signs of 'weakness' so as to not be punished/scolded/hit or face my mother within her point of possession.

so here i am seeing that there are layers within the point of procrastination -

lack of self value, self trust within accepting an idea of self that self is 'not good enough/smart enough', which is actually hiding a point of fearing to make mistakes - fearing to be punished, ingrained from childhood experiences.

a point of not wanting to push myself/apply myself out of projecting fear of mistakes and failures and resistance/fear of facing myself within making mistakes- having associated mistakes with 'punishment' and 'hurt'

suppressed resentment/'hurt'/blame which i have internalized and made part of my actual physically lived design of 'self' as a personality that does not want to push/apply self out of fear of failure and thus constantly in 'retreat' and 'protection' against criticism and judgment of 'others', believing that self is able to be harmed by 'others'.

i can see how/why i am sensitive to criticism - and take things very personally - often going into immediate reaction and defensiveness, wanting to protect self as limitation.

yes - see that i am having some resistance continuing this writing - as i see i now have exposed some key layers and am able to begin disentangling self from this system construct of procrastination - and here i am at a point where i must actually support myself to change. i am experiencing a small point of mental 'shutdown', a droopiness in the eyes and a slight nodding of my head as 'tiredness' is experienced.

the fear here is to actually let go of procrastination as a coping mechanism for not accepting myself and regarding myself as having self-value and self-worth. within existing as the limitation and stifling of self i have compounded a dependency on my limitations as a part of my 'survival skills' within this world - using my apparent weaknesses to depend on others and manipulate others into accepting me when i have not actually accepted myself.

no more - i direct myself here and now - i am not my mind and i am not my thoughts, memories, experiences stored as knowledge and information.

procrastination is no longer a valid way to exist within - it does not serve me or what is best for all.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself and applying myself within learning new things

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compound a point of not trusting self and forming dependency on others

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not 'worthy' or 'capable' of expanding myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become familiar and comfortable within my currently accepted limitations which are NOT who i am in fact, but mere figments of a diseased mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up this point of procrastination within wanting to still be able to procrastinate

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in future projections of getting lost, doing something stupid, or making mistakes.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am defined by the point of procrastination

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i do not know 'who i am' without the point of procrastination

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify procrastination within excuses which limit me and dissipate/diminish me as LIFE

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'forget' that i am not my mind or any limitation within the mind and that in each moment i am able to breathe, move, forgive myself, and participate in my reality

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fear 'messing up' within wanting to remain in the comfort zone of not having to push myself to be an effective human being that is self-willed and self-directed.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of 'i am not worthy/good enough' to push through my resistances/fears

i am here. i do not accept or allow self to define self within the point of procrastination, as i see where it will take me - and i see that it has only limited my ability to be effective, and that in fearing to make mistakes i am making mistakes 'larger than' who i am - which creates more fear and resistance

i will continue to support myself within moving self, participating in my actual world/reality, applying myself, making mistakes, being patient with self, writing to support myself and investigate the points where i am accepting and allowing limitation within the mechanism of procrastination.

i see and realize and live the realization that this is a process and it will take some time to reprogram the accepted and allowed 'nature' of me. i walk and adjust myself as i live myself into and as the correction in each moment, considering what it is that i am currently accumulating and asking if it is indeed what is best for all and whether any excuses or justification i come up with within my mind are valid, and to move through all resistances within gentleness as well as directiveness.

practical living application -

continue to support self with writing/vlogging and take points on in the physical - focusing on being practical and effective in the context of what it is that i am facing/dealing with in each moment, and to participate FULLY in what i do without entering/allowing the mind.

remain self-honest within asking myself whether i am limiting myself or procrastinating to not face myself within the point of self-trust, self-value, self-worth and whether i am actually enslaving myself in limitation.

to stop putting things off when in self-honesty i see i can get something done - and within this to stop participating within and as the mind - which only slows me down and distracts me from being actually effective in my daily life.

i will continue on the correction of this point

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