Realizing today that there is no such thing as "I don't have anything to blog/vlog about".
Having a look at all that is going on at all times, it is clear to see that all of what is transpiring within and as our reality here in the physical is specific, and that at all times this physical reality is presenting us to ourselves, reflecting ourselves back in complete and utter specificity and detail, so that we may see the extent of our separation and the manifested consequence of what we have allowed individually as well as collectively.
Thus all one has to do is allow self bring it all HERE by breathing, letting go of the mind and all pictures within self, and put the pen onto the paper or place one's fingers upon the keyboard and write from a starting-point of assisting self and directing self within writing and scripting the words to specificity and aligning all written words to what is best for all and what one will do to make those words REAL. Ok so i begin-
today I faced the point of disregarding the physical and disregarding what is here at all times, and facing resistance to being here and participating in my actual reality.
I have been wanting to do specific writing on the point of "rushing" and "not trusting self" as well as points of the "tragic hero" mind system for a few days, having opened the point up in my last blog, but have not gotten around to writing more and expanding on the point. Rather what had happened was a chat with lindsay, viktor, and anna over skype in which we shared our perspectives on how we are walking our agreements. it was a very supportive chat and was fun to do, but afterward there was a feeling within me of having 'failed' or 'let myself down' because i did not go into the writing that i wanted to do and 'instead' had that chat.
for myself i see that it was cool actually to let go of my plans and trust myself within participating in the chat. and seeing that one is able to work through a point in the physical by and through participation and self movement rather than holding on to a belief of 'having to' write everything out first before being able to 'take on' a point and begin self-correction.
the next day i had the realization that one must be brutally self-honest within flagging a point, opening it up, and not immediately going into full and detailed writing on the point. one must be certain that there is not an excuse or justification going on for not doing the writing as a tool to assist and support self through a point of self-realization and self-correction. it is also important to be clear within self when there is a practical application that can be lived in the moment within the physical and to not shy away from such opportunities to directly move self HERE. so as with all things it comes to STARTING POINT.
ok, so today i sat down and had decided to work on my SRA assignment. i saw that there was a constant resistance within self to do the assignment because of wanting to finish the previous points that i had opened up for myself and not trusting self because i was not 'sticking to my plan'. in participating within this i went into a point of great hesitation, not trusting self, and not wanting to do my SRA work, which resulting in me being very distracted and moving from one thing to another without actually stopping, holding on to wanting to finish my previous writing but not directing myself within it to a practical solution or realization.
what unfolded was me walking away from my computer and going outside where my roommates were out playing with the little kids. there are two little girls (2 and 1 year old) who come to stay with us every other week and today they had a little boy (3 years old) to play with. all of the little ones were out running around, playing with the sprinklers, simply enjoying themselves unconditionally as they explored and played, doing everything in the moment without any thoughts or uncertainty- actually little living examples of not rushing and not holding on to plans and not participating in worry.
i also noticed the amount of work my new roommates have put into cleaning and fixing up the house. they had been doing a lot of landscaping in the front and had completely redone the walkways and cleared up old bushes and dead plants- removing the stumps and putting in new fixtures and decorations and laying new gravel as well as working the soil and putting in sidings and rocks and brickwork. i had been so caught up in my mind, in not doing what i had 'planned to do' and judging myself for it that i had not been HERE to see all that was going on in my own home.
within me i saw how i had disregarded my environment and my actual world within my habit of internalizing and withdrawing deep within myself to create/manufacture/intellectualize answers and perspectives about the world instead of actually participating WITH the world, allowing self to be as vulnerable and willing to explore as the little ones visiting this week, running around in their underwear on the lawn, playing not just with their toys but with the whole environment- running, jumping, standing on things, seeing if they could push things over, pick things up, watching them as they simply expressed themselves in full trust of what is here, immediately letting go of what is not present.
i saw how i had wanted to stay in my room and 'push through my resistance' but actually the resistance had been to be HERE, participating with my world, with my roommates, with the little ones. yet the friction remained of 'i need to finish my SRA and i need to finish writing and working on the other points'. so i would go back and forth between sitting down to 'focus and write' and then facing a point of resistance and not knowing what to write, and then stepping outside and once again seeing the expression of the little ones in the yard and my roommates watching over them and having their own discussions.
it was then that i saw how little i actually knew of my roommates, having judged them and regarded them within knowledge and information in my mind instead of actually spending time to get to know them and participate with them.
all of this has been quite specific, as i have been working on and revealing for myself the point of not participating with my actual environment and world and rather going into myself and trying to 'figure things out' from within my mind, which i wanted to 'figure out' by going into writing, believing that i am not able to progress with self-correction unless i do the writing.
for myself i see now that i am able to do self-writing as self-support to get further clarity and insight as well as to 'out' my secret mind by placing the words out into the physical, and indeed this is vital within process - but to not disregard the practicality of 'letting go' of all that is within the mind, letting go of all 'plans' and actually trusting self and being HERE, participating in my world, LIVING and APPLYING the realizations and insights i am having within my internalization instead of remaining internalized.
so for myself i walk this correction-
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself within participating in my actual world.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear participating with other people within my world
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the comfort zone of working through points in my room, away from the world instead of walking myself to correction in practical living application.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-writing by itself will do something for me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am doing something 'wrong' within my process if i am not trying to figure something out or work through something within my internalizing.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to see and live the practical correction on the points of 'rushing' and 'internalizing' unless i rush and internalize
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to direct myself and 'get results' by participating within my physical world
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to self-correct without internalizing all aspects of a point by going into my mind and trying to gather knowledge and information to 'cover all points'.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself within being HERE and allowing self to direct self in EACH MOMENT within the physical.
I do what is practical to do HERE in the current moment to do and deal only with what i am able to deal with.
I will not participate in holding on to a 'plan' from a starting point of trusting the plan instead of trusting self HERE.
I will write and assist myself accordingly with self-writing and self-corrective application and i will continue to work through all points within the realization that context only exists HERE in the moment and does not exist within the mind's interpretation of what is 'here'.
I stop disregarding the people and my environment and I participate with my environment and the people around me instead of remaining within my comfort zones and preferences.