In this process I am walking through the patterns and preprogramming that I have been living and accepting myself as for my entire life- I am having to actually will myself to do things I have never thought I would do. I am having to push and will myself to participate in things I have not been predesigned to do. Thus I will face moments wherein I 'fall' and do not succeed completely in changing an accepted pattern of self. Within this there is no need to participate in emotional reactions or judgments or thoughts of comparison or self judgment, as none of that is valid and none of that is ever necessary.
In one breath, all of the knowledge, opinions, and emotional movements within me are able to be stopped. In one breath I am able to let go and die as the energy within me, and bring myself back to HERE. Thus no amount of stress, anxiety, fear, or resistance is ever real. What is REAL is already REAL.
This process cannot be done in quantum. That is something that I am realizing. I am able to write and do self forgiveness, but that alone will not change me as the life and as the participant in this reality. The self writing, the self forgiveness, and the SRA course are not going to change anything on my behalf- they are tools to allow me to change myself by self will. Otherwise all that I am doing is falling back into the predetermined pattern and programming of self, which is diminishment within the mind.
At the moment I am facing the point of directing myself- being deliberate within what I participate in, and pushing myself to participate with my actual physical environment instead of trying to plot things out or figure things out within my mind, hoping to be 'smart' enough to simply out-think my situation. This tactic has consistently proven ineffective- wherein I attempt to simulate the world within my limited and separated frame of reference within my secret mind, hoping that my preparations within this simulation will be accurate enough to prepare me to face what is actually here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that i am able to create effective simulations and predictions of what will happen and how i am able to react or conduct myself from a starting point of desiring to be the 'winner' within the experience and not have to face disappointment.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create virtual simulations within my mind of speaking to certain people or doing certain things from a point of separation and mental fantasy wherein i indulge in the power to create alternate worlds in which i am god and can have any result i wish without having to consider everything within the equality equation.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am able to 'get away with' creating alternate reality worlds in which i am able to secretly plot and simulate my actual world so that i have an advantage over others.
i stop. i will not allow myself to participate within creating such mental realities in order to test out my theories based on opinion, conjecture, and pictures that are not actually accountable to reality. i will rather stop, breathe, let go of knowledge and information, and write out all points to be considered so that my words and thoughts are accountable and can be applied in my reality to see if they are valid, instead of accepting them as valid outright within the context of my own personal secret mind interpretation.
within the stopping of this pattern, wherein i stop myself from entering the 'god mode' of my secret mind to create all manner of inner universes in which to test out and experiment with alternate outcomes, i realize that writing is crucially important.
within writing, one is not 'thinking' based on the unaccountable rules and delusional assumptions of the mind. one is actually placing information and considerations out into the physical in the form of written/typed/spoken words which can be related to what is actually happening instead of being descriptions of what one is creating within one's mind.
within writing, one is able to place into actual context what is valid and what can be applied and what will accumulate the result of what is best for all, instead of simply 'thinking about' and 'pondering over' completely illusory worlds within oneself.
thus, when thinking over a problem that is to be faced here in the physical, PARTICIPATE within the solution by writing or vlogging for self to become clear on what is actually here. bring the mental 'plan' into the physical and see if it is valid before accepting it as knowledge and information that becomes who and what you live as. ensure that your words are accountable and valid and within this you ensure that you do not delude yourself within self interest and mental madness. PARTICIPATE with the physical reality by 'thinking' through writing so that you see and are able to map out how you have constructed your reality, and within this so that you can take responsibility and correct the flaws of logic.
also within this method of 'thinking' one is able to bring in points to consider that the mind did not want to bring in, and one is also able to in one moment apply self forgiveness and self correction on any points that come up.
thus- WRITE WRITE WRITE to 'right' yourself of mistakes and ignorance so that we stand.