Writing to "right" myself.

(it has been a while since i allowed myself to unconditionally write. so here i pushed myself through the resistance to simply write without planning or format or intention, and what unfolded was the following self realizations and forgiveness)


I was born in America. My earliest memory at the moment is me being in Taiwan, where I remember being raised by my grandparents and aunts. I was spoiled by my grandfather. My grandmother was more of the disciplinarian who would beat me when I was misbehaving.
How can a child entering the world, still innocent within it’s expression, misbehave, or even comprehend the meaning of what it is to “misbehave”? How can a child behave or be expected to behave in any manner other than it’s natural and unfiltered expression within this world? A child is misbehaving when it acts in a manner counter to the rules of adults. A child misbehaves when it’s actions cause a rise within the parent or guardian of that child. As a child in the “care” of the guardian, when I was being beaten or disciplined, there was little in the way of me being able to express myself or defend myself. There was no way for me to refute the disciplinary actions of my grandmother.

I don’t want to continue. I do not want to write or push myself to write further. I want to call Kelly and talk to her about this block, but I can see that I would only be using that as a distraction and as an entertainment for myself. Stop. I am here. I type this. I am typing these words as ME. And I push. Continue.

I was well cared for and adored by my family in Taiwan. I do not recall my mother being there much. I recall mostly time being spent with my grandparents, aunts, and occasional cousins. Mostly I remember being with ME… within my expression as a child exploring life and playing and enjoying myself within the world. In me was an appetite to learn and create and interact with all in my world. I remember the absence of fear and the absence of doubt and self judgment. I remember my innocence. I remember being free of thoughts and opinions and loads of information and being able to exist in the moment. I remember being free of holding on to judgment of others. I remember being free from having to rely on my memories in order to “React” properly and to “behave” properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of people and to allow those memories to affect how I treat people in real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn people to forever fit the image and opinion I have formed about them within my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide myself within my secret mind and to project myself as an image for others to remember.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep people locked into my perception of them within my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people do not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not and cannot change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can trust and depend upon my memories and mental impression of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can depend on my “impression” of people from within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto grudges, judgments, comparisons, and opinions related to the people I have encountered in my life as well as to the people I still encounter in my current experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a memory repeating itself in endless loops unable to be free from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bind myself to the past within treating people based on my memories and judgments of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bind people to their past, and specifically to the past which I have imagined for them within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create past impressions and experiences of the people I have encountered and to keep these alternate realities of the past fed within my mind, which I then play out in the physical or allow to compound secretly within me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself or accepted myself to see each person NEW in each moment HERE, free and unconditionally unfettered to the past and to my memories and judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my opinions and judgments of people are REAL and that I should only deal with my impressions of those people when I speak to them instead of actually speaking to THEM, HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within alternate realities which I design for myself in my mind so that I apparently have things “under control” and I am able to “respond appropriately”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must respond “appropriately” and that I must “behave appropriately” or ELSE something bad happens to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself when I behave in a way that Is not “appropriate or effective” the same way that my grandmother and mother would punish me when I was “misbehaving”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to respond the “right way” and appear to be “perfect”, and within this to not trust myself to be HERE as stability and to compound the system of inferiority in me when I make mistakes in front of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want people to remember me as a certain way or image instead of seeing the truth of ME, HERE, in all my imperfect and flawed nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold people accountable to the image and memories I have of them instead of considering them HERE in the moment, anew with each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as an ego/persona package wherein I switch between pre-designed characters to influence how I am remembered by people I talk to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be accountable only to the image and memory I am able to impress upon others instead of being accountable in every moment for everything I have ever done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face myself and the consequences of all of my actions in this life within my words, thoughts, and deeds towards others and towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide from the consequences of my thoughts, words, and deeds while still wanting to enjoy my life experience wherein I am deceitful, fearful, greedy, and self interested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are no consequences to each and every thought, word, and deed I allow within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be careless, reckless, and deliberately spiteful within my thoughts, words, and deeds from the starting point of wanting to enjoy my life experience at the cost of deceiving others and being unaccountable for my enjoyment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a slave to my memories of not only others, but of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprison myself, my expression, my self movement, and my response-ability within the memory imprints and judgments of myself as being “a failure”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that applying self forgiveness and becoming aware of my imprisonment to memories of the past within me will automatically stop the consequences of having allowed this construct within me thus far and to want to hide from having to walk through the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping the patterns which have existed within and as me as information/memories/fears/and judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remain within my bubble of “consequences beyond my ability to stop or control” because this gives me an excuse to not stop or direct myself or face my consequences openly and honestly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep hiding behind excuses or justifications so that I do not have to actually face my consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bind myself to my fears and my judgments and my past, which I continually imprint into me as I continue to live the patterns of the past HERE in the present, which are seeds which grow into my future experience of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a “victim” of my memories and judgments of not only myself but of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my judgments and opinions of others are valid and true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my opinions and judgments instead of trusting myself HERE as breath in each moment within self direction.

EACH BREATH is a life and a death. EACH MOMENT is an eternity. I will face my compounded self interest here as a self incurred debt to be resolved and forgiven HERE. I let go of my judgment and opinions of others as being real or valid in any way. I will not trust my judgment or opinion of myself or others. I will not allow the past to determine who I shall be HERE.