Letting Go - Again!

Letting Go - Again!

Joe Kou

1/20/2012

Today in chat I faced a point of reaction within seeing a name attached to the name of another, indicating that the two beings were sharing the same computer and within me I realized that I had points of relationship that I have not let go of or purified within me.

The context of this is that I have shared moments of my life with this other being, and that I am still holding on to old patterns of relationship based on memories and energy – the primary point of which being guilt/shame.

This is a point that is similar (if not the same) as what I had faced before when my first agreement partner and I ended and there was a period in which I still experienced jealousy and had points where I would go into an energetic reaction of shame and guilt which would become actually spiteful and nasty, wherein I would not want the previous partner to 'be well' because that would indicate that in fact I no longer had power or influence and that the former partner has 'let go of me' – and within the ending and cutting of that relationship thread I was left with myself – and I was not okay with myself – and in that moment in my life I had not fully given myself the opportunity to recover and mend and correct myself and had instead walked into another agreement/relationship.

The reaction I faced today carried the same kind of signature – where within myself I experienced a sudden sinking – like a support that was holding up a part of me suddenly gave way and I felt a 'falling' sensation within myself – like a momentary hopelessness or a sudden realization that something has 'changed'.

Placing the experience here again what comes up is the sense that I would no longer be able to 'work out' the issues that I not not resolved within myself, which I believed I required to 'work out' with this other being – I was holding on to an idea and belief that I required to be forgiven by this other being and within this is the hidden agenda – the self interest point – of wanting 'another chance' to walk with this other being – 'another chance' to redefine and change me with this other being – but here what I am implying is that I will not change unless I am with this other being – what I am implying is that my change is conditional and based on wanting to have the experience and relationship associated with this other being, which does not take into consideration the other being at all.

It does not matter whether this other being is now walking with another partner – what I am responsible for is who I am and what I will accept and allow within and as me in relation to this point – do I change if this being is in fact walking another agreement? How am I defining and living the word 'agreement' within myself and how have I designed me in relation to this word, such that I am now experiencing these reactions within me?

So firstly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to 'hope' of wanting to be forgiven and experience a point of 'acceptance' from the other being which is in fact a self-manipulation to not actually face me and to instead seek ways to justify and validate me as how I am currently existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to change and embrace me and embody/become my own point of intimacy and self-agreement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and place myself as inferior to those whom I see or believe to be walking partnerships and agreements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire, and wish to walk again with this other being based on the idea/belief that it must be with this specific being for me to work out points that in fact have nothing to do with this being at all – and that in fact what I require to work out-resolve is and has always been within me – thus whether this other being walks an agreement with another is irrelevant to my own point of self-responsibility – which is to stop within myself my own points of dishonesty and separation.

The point of 'agreement', as I have previously defined it, has been within the confines and context of 'relationships' and still carried that element of being with a specific 'other' that would support one in one's walking – but here I did not specify and clarify how to effectively and practically walk that point of 'supporting another' – and I also did not stop within myself the point of letting go of what I want and letting go of desiring my own special experiences and wanting a certain kind of relationship – I did not understand and embrace the point that we are all here and that the context and starting point of an agreement must not be based on personality or ego and must in fact support both beings in being able to expand and support all life as one as equal.

Thus when I see and notice myself experiencing that point of the sudden 'sinking' sensation within me I will stop and support myself first by breathing and not allowing myself to feed the point. I will bring myself back here and then look at the point again and realize that if my reaction is triggered by another or by the idea/belief of agreement then I am still holding on to a self definition that is not in fact supporting me and is not in fact being lived – thus the reaction experience is an indicator for me of where I am still limiting myself to beliefs.

For myself I see that the point of an agreement must be what is best for all – it must be a platform from which two or more beings are able to support one another to be able to stand and support all life – the 'agreement' is not to form separate worlds or separate, private, special relationships and special experiences that exclude, but rather assist and expand both beings to be ever more inclusive in their ability to express and support the life that we all are.

As far as where I am within my process at the moment I see and realize that I have yet to walk through and complete the agreement course and that at the moment I am still facing points within myself that must be addressed and corrected before I am able to consider walking an agreement with another – and within this I see that allowing myself to become distracted and go off into flights of fancy about wanting to establish an agreement without being clear within myself as to where I stand is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I experienced the point of 'loss' and disappointment within myself when considering that a previous partner may now be walking with somebody 'new' and that I am judging myself and holding a grudge against myself for my past and blaming myself for having 'failed' and to further feed the point by believing that because I am not now walking a point of agreement with another that I am in fact 'invalid'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to based 'validity' on whether or not I am walking an agreement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value agreements more than my own standing – implying that my own standing is not actually me, standing but based on whether or not I am able to manipulate another with my standing so that I am able to then experience myself within the idea of an 'agreement'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat and self-judgment within the belief that the previous partner has done something 'to' me within my idea and belief that they have now entered another agreement and within doing so are disregarding me when in fact I am the one disregarding myself and judging myself and holding a grudge against myself for my own unresolved points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not face this point and to believe that I can simply suppress this point and not have to actually investigate me and what I am participating in and how my participation effects not only myself but the world that I am co-creating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the shame and guilt within myself for having exposed myself and failed with my previous partner in walking an agreement together is real and that the shame and guilt are greater than me instead of realizing that this is simply self manipulation to not in fact change me and also a form of self abuse so that I never push myself to change and actually be able to walk an effective agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'settle' and compromise myself within the idea/belief that I am apparently unable to walk effective agreements instead of taking the points back to myself so that in can in fact – in real time – change me and take responsibility for me and walk an effective agreement having established an effective self-agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must rush in to the first opportunity I see to enter an agreement without having established within myself the foundation and support to walk my own process effectively, wherein I am certain that I will not compromise myself or limit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'take it personally' and to feed further reactions within myself when seeing that my previous partners have or possibly/eventually will have other partners to walk with and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is 'something wrong with me' instead of investigating self to see how it is that I have designed myself in such a way that I am not now walking an effective agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of guilt/shame to not fully investigate who I have been and how I have walked my previous experiences with agreements and to correct myself and actually forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to correct my past by walking the agreement again with a previous partner instead of realizing that what requires to be corrected is not the relationship or the memories and experiences but rather it is to correct what is in fact HERE as my current living and participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself and to judge and blame myself for my past and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful within myself for not having the ability to 'take back' or 'undo' what has been done within the past, instead of realizing that if in fact we were able to 'take back' or 'undo' the past then we would not in fact learn to be self-honest and we would not in fact be able to be held accountable – and in this realization, instead of becoming angry with myself for what I have done in the past I allow myself to see my 'past' as a point of accountability upon which I am able to reflect and adjust and forgive, realizing that in that moment I was not HERE and as a result allowed myself to be directed by energy and by the mind which did not take all points into consideration and from that mistake I am able to learn and adjust myself – thus it is pointless to judge myself and become angry at myself because I cannot change my past because this blinds me to being able to change my present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and condemn myself and abuse myself within backchat as regret and memories and self-talk that does not support me to change me HERE but only serves to re-MIND me of my mistakes and to further associate myself with my past as mistakes and to create a general 'stance' within me and a general self-design of 'a being made of mistakes' – which if I do not change and correct will simply keep making mistakes and keep living in and as the past as regret and shame and guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my shame and guilt because within shame and guilt I am apparently able to hide from myself and not actually see and investigate myself as the past and as the moments in my life in which I have experienced pain or suppressed myself out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be directed by shame and guilt instead of practically assisting myself to move and breathe through such points and realize that I am here and that I do not require to judge and hate myself – and to realize that the self judgment and self hatred are only means to manipulate others further in my attempt to not actually take responsibility for self change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of 'I am ashamed' and 'I have done terrible things and feel bad about it' as excuses and justifications which only serve my design as 'ego' and as a point of separation and abdication – I see and realize that I cannot be trusted if I am not willing to fully take responsibility and stop lying and hiding within myself – and within this to realize that there is really NOTHING personal – that we are all in this together – that we must all stand together if we are to really sort out the mess of our existence because we are each creating it.

So here correcting myself within seeing the point that it does not matter whom my previous partners now decide to walk with because it has nothing to do with them in fact – but to do with who I am and what I am participating in as part of my own self-agreement – and within this to realize that agreements are not special – they are not about some beings getting to have a special experience at the exclusion of others – that beings walking together are simply beings walking together and anything else is my own ego – my own 'self godliness' wanting for others to abide by my rules without considering what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in allowing myself to hide behind shame and regret and to define myself as a 'failure' within my walking, abdicate my self-responsibility and to not include MYSELF as life within what is best for all – wherein I adopted a 'martyr' persona out of righteousness and ego that made the claim 'I will allow myself to suffer and not support myself and simply accept that I cannot be trusted and cannot walk with another so woe is me' as a manipulation and self abdication point.

I see the common sense and practicality of walking an effective agreement with another and I see that I am responsible for my own self-agreement – thus I stop beating myself up and stop tormenting myself with the 'past' as judgment and resentment and shame and guilt and realize that I am not a 'defective' person and that it is up to me to create myself and direct my world so that I am able to walk effectively – and should the opportunity arise to walk an agreement with another I will not allow myself to be limited by my backchat and self-doubt.

I stand here, grateful for and as the 'past' and I accept my responsibility to stop being hard on myself and stop defining myself by my failures because I see and realize that doing so will only keep me dissatisfied with self and will only lead me to become progressively spiteful to and toward others as myself who are walking this process one and equal.

What I see here is that relationships are important in this world - and that it will be through the purification and re-alignment of our relationships that will facilitate the changes that we need in this world - and this begins with the relationships within ourselves. There is great support for this development of 'agreements' that begins with self and then extends into our world as we change ourselves and become the living change one by one - until we stand together in ONE relationship based on what is best for ALL LIFE - and for those ready to begin this process of change I suggest starting with the interview series by Alice Bailey on Relationships and Agreements found HERE at the EQAFE store.