Friday, April 8, 2011
Deconstructing My Design of Self-Defeat and "Giving Up"
Here I am having a look at my specific design of giving up and self-defeat, wherein I will find ways to sabotage myself and keep myself limited, and then project anger and resentment out into the world while feeding my own point of inFEARiority.
This has been one of my 'core' points - this is something that I have been accumulating within myself for many years. Though the fascinating thing is that when I look back far enough I can recall when I was very very small - I was quite confident and comfortable with myself - but eventually developed with accumulation points of self-doubt, self-judgment, self-defeat, which eventually became ingrained in me to such a degree that I have identified myself as a person who simply cannot seem to 'get things done' and consistently wants to find ways to not have to deal with points that need direction, fearing to make mistakes and existing within constant back-chat of inferiority and uncertainty.
As the events in my life unfolded, I allowed myself to be influenced more and more by the thought and belief that I am not 'competent', and I am 'behind everyone else', that 'I am inferior' - which would invariably lead to me creating EXACTLY the result of me not being competent, being behind others, and experiencing myself as inferior in comparison to others around my age, counting their achievements and accomplishments in one hand while counting my failures and disappointments in the other.
Eventually I got to a point where I would go into instant fear and resistance whenever I experienced myself in a situation that I have not prepared myself for - where there is a higher than normal possibility that I might do something wrong - and within that pressing fear I would retreat into my mind and participate in thoughts of "I cannot do this", "This is not for me", "I'm going to mess up", etc. etc. - which then gets validated by me not being HERE, not slowing myself down, not allowing myself to be humble and patient with myself within self-awareness to catch myself in such thoughts and to stop such thoughts.
In having participated in this design of myself for so long, it has become an 'automated' point - meaning I have allowed it within me so many times in my life that I have simply integrated it and programmed it into myself - and the point is able to move on it's own if I am not HERE to direct and STOP the point. Many times when considering a change in my life, taking on a new project, or sometimes when I wake up but remain laying in bed - the thoughts will flood in and I will seem to 'automatically' first hone in on thoughts of negativity and self-diminishment such as "I am a failure", "I didn't do what I wanted to get done the other day, I am fucking up" - and from there I begin the process of sabotaging myself in what I am doing - accepting myself as limited, as a 'failure', and thus not completely participating in what I'm doing because I am already preparing for the 'failure' and thus see no point in putting in my full effort - which then allows me to justify actually giving up, as the back-door is left open by the thought "I am a failure, I cannot do this, I will probably fuck it up anyway".
Now in facing this design and re-programing myself to align myself to what is best for all I see that this simply is not acceptable and if I continue to participate and allow this designed self, I will only continue to diminish, which is me accepting the very same diminishment within everyone. Thus I must stop existing within this design and prove to myself that I am the directive principle ALWAYS, and that I will not compromise myself or allow myself to be directed by that which only serves diminishment and limitation.
The steps I am taking now is to train myself in each moment that I catch myself participating in thoughts of self-diminishment or sabotage, immediately stop and ask myself the question "What am I accumulating here?" and bring myself back HERE and instead of allowing the diminishing thoughts, program myself and move myself within who I would be if I never allowed myself to give up again - and I train myself to see that through consistently applying myself, stopping the thoughts, and insisting that i not give up or judge myself and instead find ways to grow and expand and LEARN from my mistakes within humbleness and patience, I will guarantee my change, as I stop the pattern as myself and build a new design - a 'new self' that is able to stand and become an effective being, and realize my full potential in this life.
So stopping the thoughts, writing out the points that I experience self-judgment and self-diminishment about, forgiving myself, and applying myself within patience to turn self-diminishment into self-expansion in all ways.
For more information on the self-honesty process and how to effectively utilize the tools of self-writing, self-forgiveness, and self-honest investigation - check out http://desteniiprocess.com, where you will find resources and a large and highly active community of people standing up for LIFE and taking responsibility and authority in their world.