where have i been?

over the last few weeks i have been faced with severe resonant possessions- wherein I experience myself AS the thoughts, secrets, and energetic picture experiences in my mind. meaning the thoughts, pictures, beliefs, and all of the things in my secret mind reality actually "take over" and i find myself constantly reacting and racing up in my mind, experiencing emotional/feeling movements inside myself.

the experience is like constantly falling asleep while still remaining awake. the physical world around me remains quite stable, but who i am within my world begins to feel "pulled" into all different directions, and i experience myself like a sleepwalker, dealing with an alternate reality while my physical body is here in the physical reality, functioning.

i have been comparing myself again to others in process... i have been using other desteni members are guideposts and benchmarks against which i am measuring myself and i am constantly coming up "short" in my measurement. there has been a backdoor allowance within myself of allowing self to 'give up' because i do not see others around me standing and experience more often that others do not want to stand and simply want to continue the pre-programmed fucked up existence we are all currently walking through.

i have not been writing and vlogging- because i have wanted to preserve an image of myself as being "on top of things", and i feared that i would be exposed if i continued to write and vlog- exposed for having accepted and allowed myself to fall on certain points- exposed for not fully living the words i have spoken and shared in my writing and vlogging.

i have been accepting myself to remain in the position of 'victim', wherein i experience myself as having my hands tied and i am not able to effectively participate in directing my situation and the world around me. i see how i have allowed myself to fall back into the matrix and into the pre-programmed behaviors as a way for me to cope with my disappointment and dissatisfaction with myself.

i have not been remaining here as breath and doing self forgiveness specifically and practically, and i have not been assisting myself with writing and using the tools from SRA.

walking this process is difficult- there are so many layers of deception that i have built up within the design of myself as personality/mind consciousness and so many excuses and justifications that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in as a way to not face myself here, in each moment.

but this is not a fall from which i will not stand up from. this is a process that requires self will. this is something that i am specifically not programmed to do- thus if i am not directing myself within this, i will not progress and will simply fall back to my previous patterned design.

i have been judging myself for how extensive the resonant possessions have been as of late- judging myself for having such possessions and secret mind constructs- judging myself for having not already cleared myself of these points even though i have all of the tools i need and i understand how to assist myself.

the 'fall' here is the deeply rooted self definition and belief that i am not able to do this for myself alone, and that i require to be directed by others who will intervene on my behalf. this simply is not true. i alone must walk this process- i am able to ask for support and perspective but i am the only one who can help myself. i must be the directive point within actual physical participation.

a major theme within the recent fall/possession experience is that of not accepting or allowing myself to expand myself and will myself to fully participate in changing the design of who i am and directing myself in each moment to accumulate within the equality equation that which is best for all and that which will stand the test of time in proving that i change and i take responsibility.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having fallen on the point of vlogging and blogging due to experiencing and participating in the acceptance of shame/guilt which comes from judging myself in comparison to others who are in process.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to fully stand in each moment and that i must always wait until i have proper 'support' to back me up in case i fall or make a 'mistake'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my circumstances are happening TO me instead of realizing that i am determining at all times who and what i am, as well as what i will accept or allow, as my 'circumstances'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the resistance of facing myself and exposing myself so that i am able to self correct.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to justify not writing and vlogging regularly as an application of self support by feeding into constructs of wanting to present myself a certain way and not wanting others to see that i still have points that must be cleared.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to regard myself as less than and/or inferior to others who vlog and blog and are very active and visible within the desteni community, whom i also project as being very 'effective' and 'clear'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from effectiveness and clarity and to judge others who i see as having those qualities as better than me, which also feeds into the experience of envy and jealousy.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to envy and be jealous of others in the desteni community whom i see as effective participants.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to indulge the mind with thoughts, emotions, feelings, and pictures instead of taking all points that are coming up within myself and bringing it all HERE to be purified and walked through within self direction and self forgiveness

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to energy and the ability to create worlds and pictures and secret experiences and alternate realities within my mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to remain the "god" of my inner experiences wherein i am able to indulge in thoughts, pictures, and energetic experiences without being accountable to the actual physical world or to the actual beings who are here.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give in to participating in thoughts and ideas and pictures within my mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not able to be effective here within the physical reality and the current matrix systems of the world, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to retreat into my private fantasy worlds wherein i lose myself in my thoughts, pictures, and alternate secret worlds.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify going into my secret mind and constantly participating in thoughts and alternate realities with the excuse of "nobody is holding me accountable for what i'm thinking about or imagining in my mind".

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that there be a force other than myself who is able and willing to simply direct and correct me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to what i am accepting and allowing and thus creating within my secret mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to remain in my secret mind so that i am able to experience a personal heaven instead of having to face what is here.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to prefer being a god in my inner and secret realities instead of being a self willed equal co-creator here, in consideration of what is best for all life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly wait for others to give me feedback or direction or 'inspiration' instead of being here as self direction and self awareness in consideration of what is best for all life.