Confessions of a HAPPY DRUG Addict

One of the most difficult points to really be self-honest with in this world is the illusion of happiness and the idea that apparently when we feel happy, then things are alright in the world, and as long as we can even for a moment experience ourselves within that state of 'happiness' – all is justified, and all that matters, even for those brief moments, is our own experience of happiness.

One way to look at the point of 'happiness' is to see it as a drug – a highly addictive drug that is nearly impossible to regulate or control, with effects so intoxicating that it completely overrides a person's ability to direct or control themselves – a drug that replaces actual expression and joy with a false euphoria that can only exist in an altered state of mind detached from reality.

I remember when I first started the job that I am working at now, which was during a time when I was going through some changes in my life and facing a point of depression in which I experienced myself as very unhappy and generally disappointed in myself and in my life and felt that everything had 'gone to shit' – my initial thoughts were only of how much I hated my work – how much I missed being able to do other things with my time and not have to deal with the problems and issues and conflicts that I now had to face at work which seemed all the more complex and exhausting due to my own internal conflicts and frictions and 'unhappiness'.

Each day I would begrudgingly drag myself to work and constantly remind myself of how unhappy I was – how 'tired of it all' I felt – and how angry I was at everything and everyone because I was in a position where everything that I trusted and believed in basically fell apart – and the things that were a part of my life that would make me 'happy' – the things that would give me that energetic 'high' in order to 'get me through the day' and continue coping with the problems that I have been holding on to and suppressing throughout my life were suddenly no longer available to me – and for a while all I could think about was how to be happy again – what I had to do in order to be happy again – because I did not want to be where I was – and believed that my unhappiness was a result of the place I was working, the job that I was doing, and the living situation that I was in.

I would spend my time at work NOT getting to know my coworkers or getting to know who they are or how it is that they ended up doing this kind of work. I did NOT spend my time getting to know my job and the details that come with it and the various dimensions and points involved in such a business. I did NOT make the effort to better myself within what my job required me to do. I did NOT want to push myself and make/develop relationships with customers and clients because to me, this 'job' was in the way of my happiness, and I did not intend on staying at this job any longer than I had to – because I was so 'unhappy'. And since nothing in my world was making me 'happy' I took it as a 'sign' that I needed to change everything in my world – I need to go elsewhere – to do 'something else'

So for quite a while I was pretty miserable at my new job, my new environment, my new 'life' after my previous 'life' had suddenly changed, and in that shock I was exposed to dimensions of myself that I had resisted and suppressed for many many years of my life – and the way that I was able to keep it all suppressed was through relationships and entertainment that would keep me HAPPY – yes – that all addictive drug of HAPPINESS that would allow me to cope with and 'put up with' all manner of conflicts and dishonesty within myself

So within my desire to be happy again and seeing that nothing in my world at the time was making me happy, I allowed myself to listen to the logic of my mind and convinced myself that I was simply in the 'wrong place' and working with the 'wrong people' and doing the 'wrong thing' in my life, and thus would only 'put up with' the conflicts that I experienced at home, at work, and within myself in general – reasoning that eventually I will find the thing that will make me happy again – that eventually I will get another 'hit' of that happiness drug that would allow me to once again 'function' within this messed up world. All that mattered was me doing whatever is required to eventually, somehow, be 'happy' again.

The result was that the conflicts within myself never went away. I became more and more 'unhappy' and my relationship with everything and everyone in my world, including myself, and blamed everything and everyone for being in the way of my happiness – which obviously made things only more difficult because each day I would still have to work my job and be around the same conflicts and the same people – the whole time NOT taking self-responsibility for myself or allowing myself to consider what is actually going on and finding a way to get to know my environment and work with it as an equal instead of being the happiness addict that was hell bent on doing whatever it took and willing to throw anything and anyone under the bus in order to get to my 'happiness' because I did not trust myself to stand in situations that would bring up the things that I resisted and suppressed throughout my life.

It was after a while of doing this and realizing that my life was NOT getting any better and that all the time and energy that I had spent on trying to figure out what I need to do, where I need to go, who I need to work with, what I need to have in place in my life and in my environment in order to be happy again and be okay with myself again was in fact preventing me and blinding me to just how far I had allowed my addiction to 'happiness' blind me from seeing the actual reality of what is here, and how I am responsible at all times for what I am experiencing and creating in my world.

It was only after pushing myself to let go of my wants, my moral judgments, my personal preferences, and my belief that I require something in order to make me happy so that I can function and be 'okay' in this world, that I was able to really slow down and see what I was doing to myself, and what I was doing to people in my life – how I had isolated myself from everything and everyone and missed in all of those moments the opportunity to get to know the people – get to understand the nature of my job and why things require to be done a certain way because of the multiple dimensions and factors that are involved in the current market and economic system we need to survive within – and see that no amount of 'happiness' could ever make me a 'better person' or help me to be somebody that is 'better equipped' to deal with and face the problems of this world – that the only way to have a REAL life of actual enjoyment and fulfillment and expression is to change who we are firstly in our relationship to ourselves – to let go our personal fears and self-interests – so that we can SEE clearly what is going on in this world and why so many people seem lost and unhappy – and how it is that we have allowed ourselves to become slaves to chasing the idea of 'happiness' instead of looking at practical ways to solve and correct the issues of our world and our relationships.

So here I have shared a bit of context in terms of what I have walked and seen within the point of losing myself within the addiction to happiness and believing that happiness is in any way real or valid if it produces people who become detached from reality, detached from actual intimacy and communication, detached from actual self-responsibility.

What follows is self-forgiveness within the points that I have seen and walked -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that when I make happiness my starting point for doing anything, I will always end up disappointed and the point will not be sustainable because happiness in itself is not real, and is only based on the idea that something outside of myself can make me happy and generate experiences of happiness and enjoyment and positivity which directly contradict the actual physical REALITY of the world we live in – the world in which billions of people are living at the brink of poverty and the world itself is busy self-destructing due to the relationships we have established in this world – where all that matters is profit and happiness for those who can afford and thus abuse the resources of this planet – addicted to happiness and self-interest and completely blinded to the actual cost of this addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place any value within the idea of personal 'happiness' in a world in which billions daily must fight for mere survival and to deliberately blind myself to the direct cost of 'happiness' as it relates to the current economic system of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to happiness and the ability to ignore and turn away from the reality of this world in order to satisfy my own preferences and self-interest and personal experiences and thus isolate myself from actually being able to see and understand this world and the people within it and the consequences of the relationships we establish in the pursuit of 'happiness' and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not feel 'happy' then it is because my environment and the people within it are not making me happy and thus they are to blame, and to then use this mind-logic to justify NOT being self-honest or living the courage to let go of my personal opinions and judgments so that I can stand no matter where I am, who I am with, or what I require to do within the current system – to trust myself and know myself so intimately that there is no fear of 'losing myself' or needing to cope with my fears and resistances – to be able to stand in the shoes of anyone, anywhere, and still do what is best for all within that context – to STOP judging and condemning others or the conditions of others without first letting go of the idea/belief that I apparently know what is best based only on my own preferences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to resistances and separate myself from what is here – and to miss the point that no matter where I am, who I am with, what I require to do within that context in order to survive and support myself – I am ALWAYS facing the same point – the same responsibility – and that is to STOP the mind and stand as the position that I am in, and do as LIFE would do – to find a way to do whatever is necessary to be done, taking my specific context into consideration, in a way that is best for all – whether this means I work with people that I have judged, or doing things that I had deemed to be 'unethical' or 'bad', or having to let go of my idea about myself and my fixation and addiction to being 'happy', so that instead of looking elsewhere for that which will make me stable and content, I stand as stability and contentment and accept nothing less than what is best for all.

I commit myself to STOP chasing happiness as the drug that blinds me from doing what is necessary to be done and facing what is necessary to be faced in order to bring about a change within myself, my relationship with this world, and thus my contribution to this world – to show that a life of contentment and fulfillment is in fact possible for each one, and to PROVE this by no longer pushing people away or fearing to 'lose myself' if I unconditionally stand one and equal with what is here – to know every bit of this world as intimately as I would know my own self – and from there to direct my world within actual intimacy, understanding, and consideration instead of trying to mold and shape and bend this world into a picture of what I think equality and 'best for all' should be in order to just make myself happy.

Love is NOT the "Answer"

When I look at the word “love” and how I have defined myself in relation to it, it is fascinating the memories and experiences that are associated with the word “love” and how much I have allowed myself to be shaped and influenced by that word.

The 'idea' that is sold in relation to love as I had understood it back when I was a child was that it is when you 'care about' somebody or something and that this is a 'special' experience between only you and whatever it is that you love, and that you are not 'complete' unless you love and are loved back by somebody – thus we are all on a journey to find this 'love' that will apparently make us better, make us whole, and will suddenly, magically, transform our lives and make us happy.

This of course comes from my earliest exposure to the idea of “love” which came first from my family, who would tell me that they 'love me' and then taught me to say the words 'I love you' back to them – though at the time I had no actual idea or conception of what these words even meant. At that age the words were simply words and for some reason the adults gave me positive reactions when I would say those words, and as if by magic those very words would trigger something in the adults and they would express themselves toward me in a way as though I gave them something that made them happy – even though it was the adults who would first teach me and then ask (sometimes demand) that I say it to them – so it was quite strange to simply accept this idea that saying these words meant so much and apparently had the power to affect the mood of the adults – though of course at that age I was vulnerable and trusted the adults and went along with the programming and never questioned it.

What is fascinating in looking at this is that throughout my life this point of 'love' would never actually be questioned to put to a practical test – it would always remain a truism that was taken for granted – that people apparently experience this thing called 'love' and that people who 'love' somebody apparently care for and tend to their 'loved one', but will only do this for the ones that they 'love' – so if a person does not 'love' you, they do not care about you and will not assist or support you. Thus “love is the answer” became yet another truism – because if people who love each other apparently care for and support each other, then obviously if everybody loved everybody then we would all care for and support each other and the world would not be such a messed up place. But if love is so obviously the 'answer' then why have we, for thousands of years, not done this already? Why have we failed to simply love each other and care for each other? Why have we NOT lived the message of Jesus when he said "Love thy neighbor as thy self"?

So then as I grew older this truism simply remained a part of my accepted view of this world and this reality – that apparently love is some powerful force and that if we simply love each other we will solve all of our problems – a point that was all too often confirmed and reiterated incessantly by movies, tv shows, children's stories, music, all the way down to the very social constructs of the society and family that I grew up in – always was the image of the lovers triumphing over evil – or those who do great and courageous things and find great strength because they love something. Though none of this really 'stuck' with me for very long – I would experience it as just a fleeting rush of energy and excitement as I would root for the heroes or the lovers of whatever movie or story I was allowing myself to be enterTRAINed by – but the energy would wear off and I would be back in the 'mundane' life where apparently there just wasn't enough love going around in the world and thus the world was often such a boring, confusing, complicated place.

It was only later as I entered my teen years that I would associate the images of 'lovers' and the idea of 'love' with pictures of men and women who come together and apparently 'fall in love' – which I associated with my budding interest in sex. And the more I associated those pictures of lovers and falling in love and kissing and embracing and living happy lives together – the more I associated my growing desire to experience and experiment with sex – because of course one needs to find a 'lover' in order to have sex – and thus the 'love' became a requirement – and thus began my initiation into the quest to find 'love' and relationships – so that I can experience the kissing, the touching, and the sex – oh yes, the sex that I had fantasized about and fixated upon through the various images and pictures on tv, magazines, movies, and stories that I would hear.

Suddenly 'love' became more valid – suddenly I 'got' why people would go to such lengths for 'love' – because really, deep down inside, I knew that 'love' would lead to sex – and all the butterflies and tingly warm feelings that were associated with 'love' were really, in self-honesty, about the desire to experience and have sex – which was apparently 'bad' and 'wrong' unless of course you are in 'love' and have a relationship with another so that you can generate those feelings of 'love' and thus care for and support one another – so that you can each ensure that you have access to sex – but of course I did not admit or confess this to anyone else – it remained my own 'secret' throughout the years of my life where I actually convinced myself to a large degree that the 'sex' wasn't important and that it was about the feelings of 'love' that I would experience whenever I found a potential sex partner – which is fascinating because I have never actually 'loved' somebody that I did not greatly want to have sex with – which should have been a clear indication of the self-manipulation I was participating in – but did not at that time have the self-honesty to see, nor did I want to.

Then began the many phases where I would try to change myself and 'better' myself for my partners because I was 'in love' and was afraid to lose that love and thus would compromise myself and lie to myself as well as to my partner all for the name of 'love' and keeping that 'love' going – generating those butterflies and warm tingly feelings so that I would have access to intimacy and sex, and whenever the sex would stop, the 'love' would stop, and I would suddenly 'fall out of love' with that partner.

So the whole concept and idea of 'love' is quite ridiculous. If love were the answer to the problems here on earth they why do we not love each other? Why can we not simply decide out of common sense to love each other and thus care for and support each other which is what we claim 'love' is about? Why can 'love' not actually be sustained and always peters out when the energy is gone or when the sex is no longer as exciting (or as frequent)?

If love is actually about caring for and supporting another person then why is it exclusive to only one person? Isn't it obvious that unless this world and this reality is equally cared for and supported, NOBODY is actually safe or cared for because there will always exist the inequality and abuse that undermines any illusion of safety, stability, or care that a person might experience at the expense of those we are excluded?

How can anyone say that they actually “love” somebody and say they actually care about the well being of another if they do not see or address the problems in this world? Thus this 'love' is a self-imposed illusion where the person believing themselves to be 'in love' or to be a 'lover' of something encloses themselves into their own private reality where apparently all that matters is their experience of love, and as long as they experience their private little love bubble, then surely the rest of the world – the rest of this entire reality – is of no concern – the rest of reality will simply need to find 'love' and all will be right. And when this 'love' experience comes to an end, no 'lover' has ever come forth in self-honesty to say to the world “Forgive me. I have neglected all of you and I have placed more value in my own desires for love and my experience of love than the actual, REAL needs of this world and this reality, and in my blindness I disregarded life.” - no, we do not see that point of self-honesty – instead we see “there's plenty of other fish in the sea”, “you just haven't found the right one”, “there is a soul-mate for everybody”, “don't worry – you will find the courage to love again”.

Thus I commit myself to stop participating in the fraud that 'love' has become in this world and this reality and expose it for the illusion that it is as well as the atrocities committed and allowed in it's name.

Self-Forgiveness on “Love”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and consider that the idea of “love” is an illusion that is engrained into us as children firstly by our parents, who themselves were likewise engrained by those who came before them, and that the idea of 'love' has been a 'cover' to justify suffering and abuse on a world-wide scale by those who claim that 'love is the answer'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “love” is some external force that is apparently able to set things right and establish a better world simply by participating in the idea of 'loving someone' as generating thoughts and pictures and energetic experiences about another person and becoming possessed by those thoughts and pictures and thus creating a separate and private reality in which one experiences this 'love' while nothing practical or real has been done in centuries of time to in fact establish a better world for all, where all are loved and cared for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and search for 'love' as though I require to experience the energetic feelings and experiences that come from 'being in love' as though such experiences come from something outside of myself, and within this to NOT see that I am simply manipulating myself and creating within myself the energies and experiences which I am separating myself from and allowing myself to become addicted to and thus go searching for it and being willing to compromise myself for it when all the while I am simply generating and feeding the desire to experience love and care and sex which I have not allowed myself to stand one and equal to within my own self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have listened to and allowed myself to be influenced and shaped by the advice and stories and impulsing from my family, from society, and especially from the media in which the idea of love is incessantly being pushed because 'love' has become something people have been trained to accept and want and need and thus 'love' is extremely profitable because people are willing to compromise themselves and do just about anything to experience 'love'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in relationships that were really in self-honesty only based on my desire to have sex, convince myself as well as attempt to convince my partners that I was in love and that I 'loved' them yet when the sex stopped being frequent or exciting enough, the 'love' experience would also stop, but I was not self-honest with myself and did not honor myself or my partner in revealing that the 'love' was not actually ever real to begin with, and to then set out on my search for my next 'love' so that I can once again experience sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT slow down and see within self-honesty the self-manipulation that I allowed within the experience of 'falling in love' and searching for love with another, and thus to allow another being to 'fall' for the same trap of 'falling in love'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that famiLIES actually love one another when the reality of this world shows that famiLIES manipulated one another and do not in fact support each other within what is best for all but rather only sees to the self-interest of the 'family unit' and any professed 'love' that parents have for their children is used to control and condition the child into a slave for 'love', or is used as a manipulation tool for the parent to experience 'love' and 'appreciation' from their children because the parent has separated themselves from self-love and self-appreciation and will thus be willing to compromise the child in order to experience 'love' and 'appreciation'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “love” was ever real or in any way a practical solution for this world when it is clear that unless all are equally cared for and supported in the best way possible, any idea of 'love' that claims to value or care for life is immediately invalidated by the plain fact that this world is NOT a reflection of the idea of 'love', but rather of separation and abuse.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see or notice myself thinking or considering entering a relationship with another being based on a 'feeling' of sexual attraction or the idea of 'love' and that I may potentially be 'loved' by this being and thus cared for and supported, I immediately stop. I do not allow myself to participate and do not condone the illusion of 'love' as an energetic experience because I see and realize that it will only lead to self-compromise as well as the compromise of any being whom I allow myself to enter a relationship with from that starting point.

When and as I see or notice a being in my world advocating the idea of love as a solution I stand and do not allow myself to be influenced by those words and wherever possible I support the being to see and understand how that concept and idea of love is NOT in fact practical or self-honest and is responsible for mass atrocity in this world. I slow myself down and ensure that I do not speak from judgment or from a reaction as I expose this point and where I see I myself am not clear, I do not speak and I clear myself first and investigate where I am still holding onto the idea of 'love'.

When and as I see/notice the various advertisements and subliminal impulsing of the idea of 'love' whether it is in print, on a screen, in music, or in conversation with others, I flag the point and do not simply allow such impulsing to exist within me. I stop and see the impulsing for what it is and do not allow myself to be influenced or enticed by it because I see and realize it's impracticality and lack of self-honesty and that there exist entire industries created upon feeding and compounding within people the idea of 'love' because 'love' is extremely profitable and easy to market.

When and as I see/notice myself react to moments or impulses of 'love' as portrayed within the media I stop and I clear myself in that moment and realize that the portrayal of that moment has no actual basis in reality and again is a product for consumerism and consumption and cannot be trusted. I stop and do not allow myself to go into fear or resistance in facing that point nor do I allow myself to be influenced or manipulated by it.

When and as I see/notice myself speaking the word “love” either verbally or within myself in my own backchat, I stop and do not allow myself to continue with such statements. If I have said it out loud to another in conversation I correct myself and do not express the word 'love' in the context in which it currently exists in the world and ensure that I use the word in the actual practical context of the word, showing how it is currently not an equal and one expression of who we really are and what it is able to be if lived practically.

When and as I experience myself as being 'confronted' by beings in my world who are advocating or defending 'love' or when I experience myself being impulsed with the idea of 'love' through media, I stop and ensure that I do not go into reaction and antagonism to try and 'fight' the point or attempt to force my own perspective upon others and rather stand within and as the point of self-honesty and assess whether I am able to practically address the point through practical examples, understanding that those who will hear, will hear and those who cannot will face what they require to face until they are able to see for themselves, but in this I commit myself to stand and be, wherever possible, to the best of my ability, the practical living example of how to transform the idea and illusion of 'love' into a statement of actual care and actual practical support for LIFE.

When and as I see and notice a point of 'love' being used as a manipulation tactic by members of my family or those whom I may share a more intimate relationship/partnership with, I stop and do not allow 'love' to in any way be a factor of the relationship that is used to bargain or manipulate a situation.

Redefining the Word “Love” - How I Have Lived This Word

Throughout my life I have often used and lived the word love in the context of projecting an energetic feeling towards another person, where I would say “I love you” when really it was not the other persona that I loved or actually cared for, but rather how I would be able to experience myself and validate the character that I was projecting when that person was around – so I would say “I love you” and I would convince myself that I actually “loved' this person when really I was just infatuated with the energy and positively charged emotions that I would experience with that being.

Another way that I have lived and used this word love is to refer to some externalized and invisible 'force' like it is often portrayed in movies, where 'love' apparently conquers 'evil', or referring to anything 'good' as being 'of love' or 'of the energy of love'.

Defining the Word - “Love”

Dictionary Definitions -

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

Wordplay - “Love”

I experience an interesting sensation when saying the word 'love' within myself – where if I slow down and really pronounce the word out, the word sounds more like 'loooove', where the 'o' in the word becomes stressed and the tone drops – like there is a sudden weight and pressure wherease the “L” and the “ve” part of the word are more stable in sound – not low and not high. This is fascinating because it is often how I have experienced love – where for a while things are just stable – and then 'love' as the experience for a moment produces a 'high' but then crashes into a 'low', and often the 'low' sticks around longer than the initial 'high' and then when the negative polarity of love is done, it returns back to 'normal' again.

Current/Mainstream Application of “Love”

We can see in the dictionary definitions of “love” how the experience is based on feelings, emotions, and 'personal experiences' that are projected upon another individual. What is not considered is that this “love” is never in fact an actual “love” of or for somebody else in fact, but rather is a relationship that is formed within one's own mind based upon a picture or idea about another person.

This kind of “love” is the manifestation and expression of self-separation, where self has gone seeking and searching for that which self has separated self from, which is what creates the 'relationship' because that relationship can only exist in separation and the experience of 'being loved' and 'being fulfilled' is coming from that relationship.

Thus we can 'love' people, events, colors, foods, and we can even 'love' ideas and believes and memories – all of it functions in the same basic principle of self existing in separation from whatever it is that is being 'loved' and thus forming a relationship to it within one's own mind and internal reality

Polarity Charges within the word “Love”

Positive/Good -

1. Feeling loved by somebody
2. Being “in love” with somebody
3. Believing that 'love' is a force that protects and nourishes that exist outside of ourselves
4. Loving other people by being kind or being positive
5. People demonstrating “love' by being kind and positive and caring about/for me.
6. Hearing another say “I love you” to me

Negative/Bad -

1. Feeling unloved by others, thus 'alone'.
2. Falling “out of love”
3. Losing a relationship in which I believed I was 'in love'

Redefining the Word “Love”

Love as an actual expression has not ever been truly lived in this world. Any expression of 'love' that is not an action of absolute care and consideration for all as one as equal is not the actual and practical, REAL expression of 'love' but only a relationship within one's mind in relation to something or someone else.

To actually and in fact care for another is to not accept or allow within the other anything that is less than who and what we are as LIFE, understanding that LIFE is one and equal – that what we accept within and as ourselves, we accept within and as all of existence – and thus if we only 'love' or assist/support specific persons and ignore others because we do not 'love' them, then we are not in fact living the practical expression/application of not allowing anything that is less than who we actually are, because we are NOT seeing or honoring the oneness and equality that we are.

To actually live and make real the word “LOVE” is to in fact intervene and do whatever is necessary to ensure that ALL LIFE is cared for and honored.

Thus love of self is to ensure that self does not accept or allow anything that compromises who we are, that self will do whatever it takes to intervene and ensure that self is living the greatest possible expression of self within what is best for all.

And likewise any love of another is where self steps in and intervenes and provides the necessary assistance no matter what to ensure that all life is able to self-realize and to not allow anything less than who we really are, in the understanding of oneness and equality where anything that we accept and allow within another, we accept and allow within ourselves – thus anything that we see another participating in that diminishes who they are, we are one and equal allowing ourselves to be diminished by.

New Definition of the Word “Love”

Thus to love is to intervene and ensure that 'love' is not a relationship in the mind, but an actual and practical application of doing whatever it takes for self and for anyone to be supported in the best way possible - to in fact, in the most practical and effective ways possible, do for ourselves and each other what we would like to receive.