In One Breath

How was I able to hear the desteni message?

2012-01-29T23:15:00.000-08:00

How was I able to hear the desteni message?

Joe Kou

1/29/2012

I was able to hear the desteni message because the more I investigated and actually began to apply the common sense realizations shared by those who have been walking this process of self honesty and standing as what is best for all, the more I began to see for myself the extent of separation I have allowed myself to exist as, and the more I asked questions and participated in the discussions that were busy unfolding on the forums and as I watched the many videos and listened to the interviews, the realization became more and more clear – that these people actually know what they are talking about, and they are sharing a message that is vital for all of us to hear – the actual, practical, nitty gritty of how we got to the state that we currently exist in where we live our lives believing our thoughts and feelings to be real and never in fact actually being alive or even being aware of what life actually is.

The desteni message is not one of hope or airy-fairy magical solutions for a wold that is obviously headed toward assured destruction. The desteni message will not make you feel better about yourself or promise to make you wealthy. The desteni message will not give you peace of mind or assist you to find your perfect soul mate with whom you will live in bliss and love – because all of these things are the very illusions that we as humanity have sold ourselves to for generation after generation, keeping ourselves willfully blind to the actual world and the untold suffering that our lack of consideration and common sense has wrought.

I was able to hear the desteni message because for the first time I began to see people who actually cared – people who actually began to call it like it is – that this world is completely unacceptable and that we ourselves are responsible for it. For the first time, I began to hear people speak with an honesty that resonated so deeply that I was no longer able to hold onto my private and personal bubble of pretending that the world is just fine and that eventually I will be able to become wealthy and famous and have the life that I always thought I wanted. I was hearing self-honesty. I was hearing words spoken by beings who were not trying to put up a front or try to be liked – I was hearing words that were actually REAL – words that come directly from actual realization that has been lived and cross referenced. And these words were so different from anything else that I had heard – these words spoke of a world that I could see directly – a world that in fact did not match the empty promises and the picturesque scenes painted by religion or spirituality that had been sold and accepted as the “truth” for so long.

In the beginning it was rather painful and shocking – the extent to which I had isolated myself into my own mind and how much of this actual, physical world I had ignored and taken for granted – and the innumerable beings who exist upon this planet that I had not ever taken into consideration. Yet after the initial shock began to wear off I was able to unconditionally explore and see what the desteni message was about – because it was more than just a message – it was more than just a 'realization' or 'perspective' – because in hearing the message and actually understanding and becoming aware of what is being shared, one realizes that just 'hearing' the message is not enough – that we must do something about what we have done because we are the only ones who can.

As I continued participating and asking questions and applying myself within my own process to assist and support me to question this reality and develop a point of self-honesty and common sense, I was able to see that it is not all about 'doom and gloom' – that it is not just about showing us that we are destroying ourselves and our world and creating a hell on earth – because within hearing the message and realizing what is in fact going on, is also the very SOLUTION – is also the very point of correction that will allow us to not only take responsibility for ourselves, but also to radically change the way in which we create this reality – a radical new beginning that will allow us to, for the very first time in all existence, actually create a world that will be a heaven on earth.

For the first time ever, I began to see this world not only as being 'doomed' and 'fucked' beyond any sense of hope for a better future – I began to see that all that is here – all that is occurring in our world and in our lives – is showing us that we are in fact creators of this reality, and as we take back our responsibility for ourselves and restore our own point of self-creation, realizing that we are NOT slaves to our minds, to our fears, to our self-accepted beliefs, and that we are able to radically change ourselves through a process of self-honesty and self-change, it is not only possible, but inevitable, that this world and this reality come to the same realization – that we do not have to continue this hell on earth and that we can in fact bring heaven here.

For so long we have been 'lost' within our minds – lost to the fear and anxiety we all experience within a world in which we cannot trust each other – a world in which we abdicate ourselves and do not dare to stand up for what is best for all and instead become spiteful and manipulative in order to play the game of survival. For so long we accepted this as just 'the way it is' without understanding how exactly our minds work and how exactly we have created every single thing that is here, or seeing any kind of solution that would actually stand the test of time and not just end up as another empty promise.

But now, we have a real shot – a once in an existence shot – to forever change what is here so that we create a world that is at all times based on the principle of what is best for all – a world that will no longer reflect the self destruction and the pain we have carried inside ourselves – as we, one by one, realize the lies and illusions that have been placed before us and begin to see through the veils, one by one we will hear the desteni message as so many already are – and one by one we will seek and find the actual solution for this world, for this reality, for this existence.

Now, I walk a process in which I am taking myself back and restoring again my own point of self-creation – now I walk a process to undo the harm and pain I have caused myself and others and allowed within this world. I have heard the desteni message and it is one that cannot be unheard. This will be the most difficult thing I have ever done – the point of actually facing myself and all of my demons – and within this process I will undoubtedly face challenges and hardships – but I will also stand up – I will also, step by step, breath by breath, sort out the mess in me and in so doing sort out the mess in my world and in my relationships... and I will do this while walking with others who have also heard the desteni message.

So if you are new to desteni – if you have reservations or fears or doubts – or if you had heard the message but have not fully allowed yourself to make the commitment of walking this process, I suggest you not hesitate and do not let the fears and limitations of the mind hold you back from being able to stand up and reclaim your point of self-creation and self-expression – to stand up as the life that you have always been and walk with those who dare to stop the abuse within ourselves and within our world.

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2012 Joe Kou Timeline of Transformation Filling in the Gap

2012-01-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

Letting Go - Again!

2012-01-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

Letting Go - Again!

Joe Kou

1/20/2012

Today in chat I faced a point of reaction within seeing a name attached to the name of another, indicating that the two beings were sharing the same computer and within me I realized that I had points of relationship that I have not let go of or purified within me.

The context of this is that I have shared moments of my life with this other being, and that I am still holding on to old patterns of relationship based on memories and energy – the primary point of which being guilt/shame.

This is a point that is similar (if not the same) as what I had faced before when my first agreement partner and I ended and there was a period in which I still experienced jealousy and had points where I would go into an energetic reaction of shame and guilt which would become actually spiteful and nasty, wherein I would not want the previous partner to 'be well' because that would indicate that in fact I no longer had power or influence and that the former partner has 'let go of me' – and within the ending and cutting of that relationship thread I was left with myself – and I was not okay with myself – and in that moment in my life I had not fully given myself the opportunity to recover and mend and correct myself and had instead walked into another agreement/relationship.

The reaction I faced today carried the same kind of signature – where within myself I experienced a sudden sinking – like a support that was holding up a part of me suddenly gave way and I felt a 'falling' sensation within myself – like a momentary hopelessness or a sudden realization that something has 'changed'.

Placing the experience here again what comes up is the sense that I would no longer be able to 'work out' the issues that I not not resolved within myself, which I believed I required to 'work out' with this other being – I was holding on to an idea and belief that I required to be forgiven by this other being and within this is the hidden agenda – the self interest point – of wanting 'another chance' to walk with this other being – 'another chance' to redefine and change me with this other being – but here what I am implying is that I will not change unless I am with this other being – what I am implying is that my change is conditional and based on wanting to have the experience and relationship associated with this other being, which does not take into consideration the other being at all.

It does not matter whether this other being is now walking with another partner – what I am responsible for is who I am and what I will accept and allow within and as me in relation to this point – do I change if this being is in fact walking another agreement? How am I defining and living the word 'agreement' within myself and how have I designed me in relation to this word, such that I am now experiencing these reactions within me?

So firstly I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to 'hope' of wanting to be forgiven and experience a point of 'acceptance' from the other being which is in fact a self-manipulation to not actually face me and to instead seek ways to justify and validate me as how I am currently existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to change and embrace me and embody/become my own point of intimacy and self-agreement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and place myself as inferior to those whom I see or believe to be walking partnerships and agreements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire, and wish to walk again with this other being based on the idea/belief that it must be with this specific being for me to work out points that in fact have nothing to do with this being at all – and that in fact what I require to work out-resolve is and has always been within me – thus whether this other being walks an agreement with another is irrelevant to my own point of self-responsibility – which is to stop within myself my own points of dishonesty and separation.

The point of 'agreement', as I have previously defined it, has been within the confines and context of 'relationships' and still carried that element of being with a specific 'other' that would support one in one's walking – but here I did not specify and clarify how to effectively and practically walk that point of 'supporting another' – and I also did not stop within myself the point of letting go of what I want and letting go of desiring my own special experiences and wanting a certain kind of relationship – I did not understand and embrace the point that we are all here and that the context and starting point of an agreement must not be based on personality or ego and must in fact support both beings in being able to expand and support all life as one as equal.

Thus when I see and notice myself experiencing that point of the sudden 'sinking' sensation within me I will stop and support myself first by breathing and not allowing myself to feed the point. I will bring myself back here and then look at the point again and realize that if my reaction is triggered by another or by the idea/belief of agreement then I am still holding on to a self definition that is not in fact supporting me and is not in fact being lived – thus the reaction experience is an indicator for me of where I am still limiting myself to beliefs.

For myself I see that the point of an agreement must be what is best for all – it must be a platform from which two or more beings are able to support one another to be able to stand and support all life – the 'agreement' is not to form separate worlds or separate, private, special relationships and special experiences that exclude, but rather assist and expand both beings to be ever more inclusive in their ability to express and support the life that we all are.

As far as where I am within my process at the moment I see and realize that I have yet to walk through and complete the agreement course and that at the moment I am still facing points within myself that must be addressed and corrected before I am able to consider walking an agreement with another – and within this I see that allowing myself to become distracted and go off into flights of fancy about wanting to establish an agreement without being clear within myself as to where I stand is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see that I experienced the point of 'loss' and disappointment within myself when considering that a previous partner may now be walking with somebody 'new' and that I am judging myself and holding a grudge against myself for my past and blaming myself for having 'failed' and to further feed the point by believing that because I am not now walking a point of agreement with another that I am in fact 'invalid'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to based 'validity' on whether or not I am walking an agreement and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value agreements more than my own standing – implying that my own standing is not actually me, standing but based on whether or not I am able to manipulate another with my standing so that I am able to then experience myself within the idea of an 'agreement'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat and self-judgment within the belief that the previous partner has done something 'to' me within my idea and belief that they have now entered another agreement and within doing so are disregarding me when in fact I am the one disregarding myself and judging myself and holding a grudge against myself for my own unresolved points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to not face this point and to believe that I can simply suppress this point and not have to actually investigate me and what I am participating in and how my participation effects not only myself but the world that I am co-creating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the shame and guilt within myself for having exposed myself and failed with my previous partner in walking an agreement together is real and that the shame and guilt are greater than me instead of realizing that this is simply self manipulation to not in fact change me and also a form of self abuse so that I never push myself to change and actually be able to walk an effective agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'settle' and compromise myself within the idea/belief that I am apparently unable to walk effective agreements instead of taking the points back to myself so that in can in fact – in real time – change me and take responsibility for me and walk an effective agreement having established an effective self-agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must rush in to the first opportunity I see to enter an agreement without having established within myself the foundation and support to walk my own process effectively, wherein I am certain that I will not compromise myself or limit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'take it personally' and to feed further reactions within myself when seeing that my previous partners have or possibly/eventually will have other partners to walk with and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is 'something wrong with me' instead of investigating self to see how it is that I have designed myself in such a way that I am not now walking an effective agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of guilt/shame to not fully investigate who I have been and how I have walked my previous experiences with agreements and to correct myself and actually forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to correct my past by walking the agreement again with a previous partner instead of realizing that what requires to be corrected is not the relationship or the memories and experiences but rather it is to correct what is in fact HERE as my current living and participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself and to judge and blame myself for my past and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful within myself for not having the ability to 'take back' or 'undo' what has been done within the past, instead of realizing that if in fact we were able to 'take back' or 'undo' the past then we would not in fact learn to be self-honest and we would not in fact be able to be held accountable – and in this realization, instead of becoming angry with myself for what I have done in the past I allow myself to see my 'past' as a point of accountability upon which I am able to reflect and adjust and forgive, realizing that in that moment I was not HERE and as a result allowed myself to be directed by energy and by the mind which did not take all points into consideration and from that mistake I am able to learn and adjust myself – thus it is pointless to judge myself and become angry at myself because I cannot change my past because this blinds me to being able to change my present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and condemn myself and abuse myself within backchat as regret and memories and self-talk that does not support me to change me HERE but only serves to re-MIND me of my mistakes and to further associate myself with my past as mistakes and to create a general 'stance' within me and a general self-design of 'a being made of mistakes' – which if I do not change and correct will simply keep making mistakes and keep living in and as the past as regret and shame and guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my shame and guilt because within shame and guilt I am apparently able to hide from myself and not actually see and investigate myself as the past and as the moments in my life in which I have experienced pain or suppressed myself out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be directed by shame and guilt instead of practically assisting myself to move and breathe through such points and realize that I am here and that I do not require to judge and hate myself – and to realize that the self judgment and self hatred are only means to manipulate others further in my attempt to not actually take responsibility for self change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of 'I am ashamed' and 'I have done terrible things and feel bad about it' as excuses and justifications which only serve my design as 'ego' and as a point of separation and abdication – I see and realize that I cannot be trusted if I am not willing to fully take responsibility and stop lying and hiding within myself – and within this to realize that there is really NOTHING personal – that we are all in this together – that we must all stand together if we are to really sort out the mess of our existence because we are each creating it.

So here correcting myself within seeing the point that it does not matter whom my previous partners now decide to walk with because it has nothing to do with them in fact – but to do with who I am and what I am participating in as part of my own self-agreement – and within this to realize that agreements are not special – they are not about some beings getting to have a special experience at the exclusion of others – that beings walking together are simply beings walking together and anything else is my own ego – my own 'self godliness' wanting for others to abide by my rules without considering what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in allowing myself to hide behind shame and regret and to define myself as a 'failure' within my walking, abdicate my self-responsibility and to not include MYSELF as life within what is best for all – wherein I adopted a 'martyr' persona out of righteousness and ego that made the claim 'I will allow myself to suffer and not support myself and simply accept that I cannot be trusted and cannot walk with another so woe is me' as a manipulation and self abdication point.

I see the common sense and practicality of walking an effective agreement with another and I see that I am responsible for my own self-agreement – thus I stop beating myself up and stop tormenting myself with the 'past' as judgment and resentment and shame and guilt and realize that I am not a 'defective' person and that it is up to me to create myself and direct my world so that I am able to walk effectively – and should the opportunity arise to walk an agreement with another I will not allow myself to be limited by my backchat and self-doubt.

I stand here, grateful for and as the 'past' and I accept my responsibility to stop being hard on myself and stop defining myself by my failures because I see and realize that doing so will only keep me dissatisfied with self and will only lead me to become progressively spiteful to and toward others as myself who are walking this process one and equal.

What I see here is that relationships are important in this world - and that it will be through the purification and re-alignment of our relationships that will facilitate the changes that we need in this world - and this begins with the relationships within ourselves. There is great support for this development of 'agreements' that begins with self and then extends into our world as we change ourselves and become the living change one by one - until we stand together in ONE relationship based on what is best for ALL LIFE - and for those ready to begin this process of change I suggest starting with the interview series by Alice Bailey on Relationships and Agreements found HERE at the EQAFE store.

Timeline of Transformation of Joe Kou (playlist)

2012-01-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

('http://www.youtube.com/p/7387234B4B04F73F?version=3&hl=en_US',)

Response to LLCraver Uselessness - The End of Uselessness

2012-01-05T03:15:00.000-08:00

The Best Friend Who Wasn't Best for All

2012-01-04T21:49:00.000-08:00

Joe Kou

01/01/2012

In looking at the design of 'best friends' in this world I saw the point of how we, as our backchat, seem to have a similar relationship to that secret 'inner self' that seems to know us better than we know ourselves.

When I look at my own points of backchat – where I have those conversations with 'myself' in my own mind, it is the same dynamic as the design of 'best friends' in the world where both friends are simply supporting each other to remain exactly the same and will continuously reinforce each other and remind each other of 'who they are' but always from a starting point of self interest and not of actual consideration or support.

The 'me' that I have existed as is like the 'best friend' that knows all of my secrets and is always there to help me out of situations and insists that I would not be where I am had it not been for him. And when I question and dare to investigate the merits of this 'friendship' the inner 'voice' will become defensive and take things 'personally' – and this is rather fascinating because it shows the level of sophistication that the ego and mind consciousness system has developed over the years where it is like an entire being exists within me as my backchat complete with it's own set of agendas and has over the years grown increasingly effective at being persuasive – when in fact what has been going on is me abdicating myself over the personality designs and backchat which do eventually become 'larger than me' and eventually do lead to me acting out as the 'secret self'.

But what has this 'secret self' actually assisted me with? Does this 'relationship' actually support me? Clearly not. The 'secret me' is able to continue functioning because I have accepted it over the years as my 'partner in crime' – and due to the belief that if I allowed myself to expose this inner me then I would be judged by others for what 'we' have done and within that shame and guilt I continue to rely on and place trust in this 'secret self' instead of realizing that I will only continue down the same path of self compromise and diminishment.

Such is the way of the ego and backchat – it contains all of the secrets that we do not dare to face or expose and will always hold that point as a kind of 'leverage' to ensure that we will always do what it wants to do and will continue supporting and feeding it because it apparently keeps us 'safe' from having to actually face who we are. It is the same dynamic seen in all abusive relationships.

This insanity has got to stop! We are NOT the voices in our heads and we do NOT have to limit or compromise ourselves as life due to fear of being 'exposed' because all that we have done is already HERE, in fact, manifested as the very world in which we live where we see the amount of duplicity and abuse that has been accepted and allowed each and every day in the lives of each and every being – so the abuse and the plain, cold, unpleasant 'truth' of ourselves is already here for those willing to honestly see and there is no reason to continue to allow ourselves to deny it or try to keep this insane relationship going with the secret mind.

We have all fallen prey to this 'best friend' – we have all sold it our secrets and allowed it to blackmail us into submission, believing that we should be ashamed and that we should fear that we might be exposed so we had better do what this 'best friend' says so that we can continue to pretend that we are perfect, special, unique beings in a world that is obviously devoid of actual compassion or humanity.

It is time to put to rest any and all relationships that are not in fact based on what is best for all – where ALL are friends without secrets and without hidden agendas – and this includes the relationships we have developed over the years with our own minds as backchat and secret thoughts that turn poisonous with continued silence as we give in to the fear of actually exposing the inner nastiness we have been an accomplice to.

With self forgiveness we are able to stop the this abuse. We are able to take back our point of self honesty and restore our point of self trust wherein we will no longer accept or allow dishonesty within ourselves or within our world. Coupled with corrective application and walking a process of self change with a group of people committed to do the same, we are able to actually redefine the entire relationship structure to be one of real care and real support and forever put to rest the secrets and nastiness that have divided us from each other as well as ourselves.

I see that in resisting writing and resisting sharing myself and resisting the point of self forgiveness and self corrective application I actually give in to that 'best friend' and is an indication that I am fearing my own secrets and fearing to be 'exposed' and will thus compromise myself and abuse others in self-interest to preserve the relationship with my 'secret self' at the expense of what is actually here – so again I correct myself and clear up my starting point.

I write as self support, as the beingness that is me as life, and I see and realize that I am responsible for stopping my participation in that which diminishes me and compromises me and prevents me from being able to stand naked without hidden agendas and spitefulness that will only result in further mistrust and abuse to life, and in this I realize that facing myself does not have to be terrifying or difficult so long as I remain consistent in my application and self forgiveness in releasing and forgiving the old 'ties that bind'.

Featured Art Work by Damian Ledesma
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Self Writing - "The Unhappy Customer"

2011-11-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

Today at work a lady walked in and was upset about charges on her bill. I went to help her with finding out where the charges were coming from and what can be done about it. When I looked at the bill I saw the charges she was talking about, and knew that it was due to her using her phone in another country and incurring a lot of charges due to that usage. The customer said she did in fact take the phone out of the country, but never used it and therefore should not be required to pay for the charges, which were a substantial amount.

It seemed that the lady had already made up her mind about the charges being “unfair” and she made it clear that she would not be paying. I called in to the support center to see if anything can be done for the customer, but was informed that these charges came from direct use of the phone itself and that it was not possible for the system to have charged her unless the device itself was used, and if she did not make the full payment, she would incur late payment charges on top of what she already owed.

As I explained to the lady what the situation was and showed her on her bill where the charges came from and that she would have to pay, she became more upset and more clear in her decision to not pay for the charges and that we “take care of the problem” for her. I agreed to make another call and to see if there was any way to dispute the charges or have the customer pay only her regular rate while disputing the other charges – and again I was informed that there was no way to dispute these charges, and that in fact the device itself was used and thus the charges were justified, and she would have to pay the full amount.

She informed me that she was not satisfied with the way I 'handled' the situation and that she would be notifying my manager about this, and then spoke with my associate about my performance, holding to her claim that she should not have to pay for those charges. My associate gave her the same response and calmly explained the situation to her again and advised her to try calling into the corporation herself as the customer, since we have done what we could at the store level.

This was an interesting experience because I felt justified in 'sticking to the policy' – and in that moment I experienced myself as being 'right' and that I was 'standing my ground'. But within this experience is the hidden and subtle manipulation where I participated in wanting to 'win' and wanting the customer to admit that she is wrong, which is exactly what I judged the customer for doing to me and the company I work for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the energetic feeling of being 'right' and feeling righteous because the 'policy' and the 'company' are on 'my side', where I am allowing myself to exist in ego and superiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want validation and support from my coworker so that I can feel protected and secure within 'standing my ground' against an upset customer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the customer as being unreasonable and unwilling to hear things unconditionally when I was actually doing the same thing, because I was not unconditionally listening to the customer and was rather more concerned with my own job and fearing that I would make a mistake or 'give in' to the customer's demands – and thus I allowed myself to stand in separation from that customer and from that moment, bracing myself and going into an energetic experience of superiority and righteousness in 'not giving in' to the customer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to congratulate myself for having 'stood my ground' in 'dealing with' that customer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am special for having an ability to 'deal with' customers who are upset.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from that customer as myself when 'dealing with her' instead of pushing myself to not go into reaction and judgment so that I can actually be here as her.

As the lady expressed herself and her dissatisfaction I knew that it had nothing to do with me personally – nothing is ever personal except to one's own ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my backchat, congratulate myself for how well I believed I handled the situation and for not going into or feeding further reactions as the lady became more upset and dissatisfied with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to indulge in backchat that is just feeding and padding my own ego.

I stop. I realize that all backchat is of the mind and of consciousness and is simply a story that is being told in my mind that is actually keeping me from seeing what is here within clarity. Thus, I give myself the responsibility to not participate or feed my backchat as ego as self congratulation and righteousness.

I see and realize that when I am participating in self congratulation and righteousness I am in fact suppressing my own points of self pity and self inferiority – which makes the self congratulation, pride, and righteousness seem harder to resist because they balance out the other polarity and thus 'feels good'.

As I look at this more I see how ridiculous it is for such events to even be happening – it is all so unnecessary. Here we have a woman who may or may not have used her phone in another country and being charged for using the phone service in an area that is considered 'roaming' because it is outside of the calling area the company provides for. But why do we accept this? Why and how did this come to exist? Is it best for all that we have these restrictions upon mobile devices that are meant to help us communicate with each other? Again it comes back to the point of MONEY – and the current money system.

We are able to provide wireless internet and cellular communication all over the world – but the reason why such services are not in place for everyone to enjoy is because the starting point of those who are in control of the communications industry are doing it for profit, not benefit. And in order for there to be profit, there must be consumers who will may money for the services, and the money these consumers have is quite limited because of the current money system, so companies have to compete with each other to find ways to bring the best quality services for the best prices – which means instead of using all of the resources available and all of the infrastructure that is already here in ways that bring communications services to everyone in the world, these companies must instead focus on consumerism and profit.

And in the case of the lady who came into the store today, she is upset because she now has to either pay for a large sum of money for charges that she did not actually agree to, or have to face further penalties for not paying and trying to dispute the charges by claiming she never used her phone, with very little likelihood that the company will be willing to waive her charges. But again, why and how does this even happen and is it actually what we would want for ourselves?

These seemingly 'everyday' occurrences are not being questioned – and we are continuously accepting a state of affairs that makes absolutely no sense and is in fact driving us all backward into our own self destruction – we are not seeing how in every 'little thing' there is a line that can be traced to a starting point that is rooted in a system that does not in fact support life – which invariably leads to the money system as it currently exists.

What I mentioned here may see minor and trivial things – but then we blind ourselves to their origin and to their starting point and we fail to see that these trivial things are symptoms of a rampantly self destructive and merciless system, and those who currently benefit from having money in this world are blinded by our familiarity with and acceptance of it's 'everyday' flaws – to such a degree that we have allowed more than half of the total human population to fall into poverty as a direct result of our numbness.

This must stop. Incidents like these remind me of why an Equal Money System must be brought into this world while we still can – before these 'everyday' and seemingly trivial symptoms we experience in the parts of the world where there is money begin to resemble the symptoms currently being endured by those in parts of the world with no money at all. Let us turn this ship around with an Equal Money System.

"Home" Again

2011-10-25T00:14:00.000-07:00

Coming “Home”

I am now living again with my mother and sister, back “home” after having spent many years “on my own” and having “my own way of living”.

It is fascinating because I was never actually living, nor was I actually on my own. My life had been primarily about trying to find 'stability', and in my search I did not consider that stability is not a place or some perfect circumstance that I must go out into the world and find.

Being here 'at home' is quite interesting. For a long while I have been dreading this point – I have been fearing having to “end up back here again” because when I initially left home many years ago it was because I couldn't stand it anymore – I could not stand living with my mother and I was building up a lot of anger, frustration, judgment, and definitely a lot of back-chat that led to an experience in which I simply had to leave or would have surely ended up doing something drastic or would have wanted to kill myself. At that time in my life I did not understand the point of emotions and feelings and what back-chat can do to a person if there is no method of 'checking-in' with self.

So, I left home, and I thought I would finally be free – I would finally be able to live my own life and be on my own. But when I look back I as not in fact ready – I simply went into a polarity manifestation as a result of all of the emotions and judgments I was carrying within myself – I was trying to run away from a situation that I felt powerless in, and I thought that by leaving it all behind I would be able to get a clean slate and start over.

What has ended up happening over the years is that I never actually faced all of the issues that led me to my 'decision' (I would say possession) to basically run a way from home one day. I allowed my frustration and fear to direct me and I ended up in situations that were not actually supportive or cool. I did not have sufficient self trust to actually stand up and support myself, and ended up becoming dependent on the help of friends who would assist me with getting me a place to stay while I tried to get 'on my feet'. Within this, I went from place to place, staying in various houses with various friends, living in garages or setting up a 'room' by hanging fabric in the corner of a living room, and sleeping on couches and computer chairs. All this time I was supported by my friends until I finally got a stable job and began to be able to afford paying rent – and finally getting a room for myself. But through all of this I was still searching for stability – still searching for that place or that perfect situation in which I would not have to worry again, and would be 'set' for the rest of my life – I never considered that the reason why my life remained so unstable was because I myself was constantly unstable – constantly unsatisfied, constantly afraid, constantly on the lookout for danger or warning signs indicating the possibility that my world would change and that I would have to change with it, or that my circumstances were not cool but I was 'stuck' where I was and did not have a 'way out', which was the exact same experience I would have back when I lived with my mother.

Now, about 8 years later, I find myself back “home”. Things did not work out for me as I had hoped – which is ironic because does anything ever work out the way we 'hope'? Hope itself is the very absence of action and self will.

There was a lot of reaction and frustration and anger within myself for 'having to end up back here' in seemingly the one place where I had defined myself as being 'unable to stand'. There are still points that I must direct and change, as points from the 'past' are here again, but as I push myself more and more to embrace what is here and realize that the stability and freedom that I have for so long been in search of, has always been HERE.

With the tools of self-writing and self-forgiveness as well as the desteni material and the ITD courses, I have been able to realize that I have existed as fear of loss and fear of change for a great portion of my life – in fact I would say ALL of my life – and what I am now seeing and realizing within this is that it does not in fact matter where I am, or who I am with, or what my living situation is – because what determines me and my experience of myself is what I accept and allow within myself.

Leaving the place where I used to live, which I had defined as a place that I was comfortable in, where I enjoyed the city and the people and the environment, and had created for myself the idea that I would finally be able to 'settle down', ending a relationship with another being that I had defined myself by, and moving back here to my current living situation seemed like the entire world had ended for me – as though I was completely lost and had utterly failed – had 'lost everything'.

But what have I actually lost? I have lost relationships that I had formed in my mind – I have lost the things that I attached value to in my attempt to find happiness and stability outside of myself. And now that these things are no longer a part of my life I see that the happiness and enjoyment that I had attached through those relationships were not real – and what I am left with here is the memories and experiences and thoughts I had participated in – which now seem ridiculous because if I hold on to them, I only create points of friction and resistance to the world in which I actually REALLY live in, as I disregard what is in fact HERE in my reality, in my environment, by trying to return to a “place” that I had built out of thoughts and feelings and pictures that exists only in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the point of stability within trying to seek out situations and people that will support me in the idea and belief that stability is something that I must find and attain through relationships with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to stand as my own point of stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise my self-honesty, my self-trust, my self-worth, my self-respect within trying to manipulate my world and the relationships within it so that I can experience the point of 'stability' which I have separated myself from.

Now I live and apply a new definition for the word “stability”, which I had for so long been searching for outside of myself. I will no longer define “stability” as that which is outside of and separate from myself.

My new definition of stability – Stable Is Me.

Stability is me being here with myself, as myself, unchanging and undefined by relationships in my world. Stability is me unchanging as the world around me and the people around me might change.

Stability is me realizing and living the realization that who I am is not composed of the relationships I form in my mind in regards to the people and places that I encounter and co-exist with.

Stability is me not compromising myself or 'losing myself' for the sake of trying to hold onto or control a certain situation or relationship in my life because of a fear of loss or a fear of change, because I am here always, and can never 'lose' myself.

Stability is me realizing and living the realization that I, as stability, am here and that it only takes a moment of breath to bring myself back to me, no matter where I am or who I am with, and that I will never abandon or give up on myself as long as I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is based upon the relationships I am able to have with people and my environment in which I separate myself from the point of self enjoyment and self worth in the attempt to experience the energy of those relationships and thinking that such energy is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'lose' myself within definitions associated and attached to people, places, and preferences based either on positive associations or negative associations instead of realizing that I am HERE and that I am one and equal to all that is here in fact because we are all of the same substance, the same life force, and that the only thing that is separating myself from this point of equality is my own ego and consciousness, holding on to it's own networks of relationships, fearing to 'let go' and fearing to stop existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear 'stopping existing'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate 'stopping existing' with fear and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by preferences and judgments in relationship to the places and the people in my world.

I stop. I am here. I let go of and stop reliving memories and experiences of the past and within this disregarding who I am HERE, in this present moment.

I let go of and stop wanting an ideal future, based on preferences and wanting to avoid my fears and resistances, instead of realizing that I am HERE and that whatever resistance or fear I have now, will not go away unless I stand up and face it HERE, NOW.

I stand. I continue. I am "home again"

SF - Desiring Relationship and Male Ego

2011-10-15T15:46:00.000-07:00

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in desiring to have a female
partner and within this particpation to allow thoughts of sex and relationship and intimacy with
women that i find attractive within my mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i require to have a
relationship with another in order to accept myself and be okay with my experience of myself
because i have defined myself as not being 'enough' and not being 'worthy' in and of myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find thin women with long dark hair
particularly attractive and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed
myself to separate myself from women who are thin and have long dark hair within my own
ego projecting my own thoughts and pictures based on their physical presentation, which then
immediately disregards their actual expression here one and equal as me

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself because of the addiction
to thoughts and energy as pictures and fantasies within and as my mind when seeing a young
woman and accessing myself within my mind and generating thoughts and pictures and desires within
my back-chat yet trying to pretend that i am 'innocent' so that the young women do not actually
know the real truth of me as what i am participating in.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself when
i notice myself having points of desire or secret backchat when seeing young women.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want a young woman to be my sexual
partner so that i can then feel better about myself and be able to accept myself as a man
because i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a man must be sexually active and
have a partner in order to be acceptable in this world

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i require to have a
female partner in my life that is attractive so that other men will see that i have an attractive
partner and will thus respect me because men with attractive partners are successful

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate being a man and being successful
with having the perceived status that comes with having an attractive female partner

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be envious and jealous of other men
who have partners that i would like to have for myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist at envy and jealousy toward other
men who have female partners because i want to experience the energy and ego boost which i have
attached to the idea of having a female partner and being able to let the world know that i
am indeed a man, that i am capable, that i have an attractive partner, and that this means
i should be respected and feared because i actually experience myself as inferior and weak

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire having a female partner as
a status symbol so that i can then instill and impress upon others, particularly other men, that
i am not to be fucked with or disrespected because i am a capable man.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within and as self worth and
self respect and thus seek to be respected and valued by others outside of myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to try to suppress and hide my experience of
fear, insecurity, anxiety, and inferiority by attempting to create myself to be the image and symbol
of a man who is secure, confident, and capable, which i have defined and associated with the
picture and idea of a man having an attractive female partner, having a good job and having money, and being
respected and feared by others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from females and in particular
young women due to seeing them as objects of status and desire for my personality and ego in order
to survive as the 'male' persona.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire having an attractive female partner
as a distraction so that i can simply experience the energy of emotions, sexual desires, and relying on another
in order to experience myself as loved, accepted, adored, respected, valued.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for a female partner who will
care for me, love me, accept me, fulfill my desire for intimacy and sex, and allow me to continue
existing as the ego/personality designs of me so that i do not have to actually stand up and
face myself in self honesty and can remain hiding behind the energetic experiences of having a relationship
and satisfying the role of the 'successful man'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for women to find me sexually attractive and
want to be with me and boost my ego

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire for a woman to want to be with me so that i can then say that i am a man and that i am valued and that i am acceptable because an
attractive woman wants to be with me, and this means i am then better than any man who does not
have an attractive partner and that i am at least equal to the mean who do have attractive partners.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with other men within the belief that
i must be better than them or at least equal to them if i am to survive in this world.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself as life within desiring to
be better than others and wanting to compete with other male egos in order for me to experience
the 'victory' of finally becoming a man - when in fact this is only feeding my ego as mind as i participate
in thoughts and pictures and emotions instead of being here, stable, as life, directing myself within
what is here instead of being directed by ideas and beliefs and comparing myself to others.

i realize that the more i allow myself to participate in the fantasy of having an attractive
female partner as a status symbol and as a substitute for self acceptance, self intimacy, and self worth,
the more i will actually diminish myself as life in the pursuit of those desires.

i realize that the more i allow myself to look at women and secretly entertain thoughts of wanting to
be with them, wanting them to have sex with me, wanting them to be my partner so that i can
show them off to the rest of the world in order to prove that i am a man and that i am to be
respected, the more i will manifest for myself the consequence of not living as self respect and self value

when i see a young woman and notice myself desiring to be with them or looking at them and picturing them
naked or wondering how i could get them to be with me, i stop, and i bring myself back here and realize that in that
moment, when accepting and allowing such thoughts of desire, i am separating myself from that woman and
i am allowing myself to diminish myself as well as being dishonest with that being because i am
having secret thoughts and picture fantasies about them without their 'permission'.

i am one and equal to the beings that are here and this means that each time that i allow myself to
lust after another being within my secret mind, i am actually dishonoring and abusing myself through
and as the mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from women within seeing them
as objects of conquest and objects to fulfill my inner desires instead of seeing them as one and
equal to and as myself.

i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to fully consider the position of women and
fully consider the dignity and expression and life essence of women as one and equal to and as myself.

when i see and notice myself having points of attraction to another woman or having thoughts of wanting
a partner based on the pictures and images within and as my mind as desires, i stop and realize
that they are in fact the same exact substance as me - and that any relationship being formed is
of the mind and is my own point being projected outwards in separation - where i am not seeing
the other as a physical human body here in expression as what it is, but rather as what i am desiring that
other to be in order to satisfy my personal fantasies.

who am i and what would i be if i never have a partner? who am i and what will i be if i never
experience having another to walk with and be with?

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist being with myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will think that there
is something wrong with me if i do not have a partner

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire having a partner in order to fit in
and not be an outcast in society

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loneliness

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from loneliness within
defining loneliness as something that is looked down upon and is to be avoided because there must
be something wrong with people who are lonely and are not able to have a partner in their life

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with me
because i do not have a partner in my life

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to be with me, myself, alone for the rest of
my life when in fact i am always with me, myself, alone, even if there is a partner in my life.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire and wait for a partner to '
be with before i accept myself and support myself and move myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and within this doubt
desire to have a partner that will assist and support me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fit in with the rest of society because
i do not trust or accept myself to stand alone no matter what and thus want society to find me acceptable

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i cannot walk my life
and support myself and be capable of standing without a partner.

within this i realize that it is practical and supportive to have a partner in one's life when it is an
agreement and the support for each other is not coming from a starting point of lack or dependency, but rather
an equal and one understanding and support between two beings who agree to walk together and support each other

i realize that who i am and what i stand for must not change whether or not i walk with or without a partner

i realize that when considering what is here, it is preferable to walk process with another in an effective agreement because
the support allows both to face points more effectively if the agreement is stable and effective.

i realize that an agreement must not change who i am - that i must remain no matter what.

I stop. I take responsibility for the thoughts I participate in in regards to desiring women and participating in secret
fantasies and desires based on the image and physical presentation of women. Whether i have a partner or not, I walk, I
stand, i change. i will not wait for an 'ideal partner' to manifest in my world because i realize and understand
that no such thing exists. i determine in each moment the quality of me, and any relationship
that i participate in is a reflection of who i am and what i am accepting and allowing in and of
myself - thus my primary point is self - purifying self and ensuring that self is stable, that i am self honest and that
i am self-trust - so that i do not compromise myself for anything less than what is best for all - and from there
i walk the relationships of my world instead of trying to make relationships happen in separation out of desire and ideals that
i myself am not the example of, that i myself am not living.

Do You DARE to End Fear in One BREATH?

2011-10-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

A destonian asked me today “Do you dare to end fear in one single breath?”

This question 'struck' me because I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say “I dare to end fear in one single breath” but within me there was the immediate hesitation, and within that moment I said “I want to say yes, but self honestly the answer is no”.

Why did I say that? Why did I allow that to be the answer that I live and exist as? Who am I in relation to ending fear in one breath?

The first point that comes up is memories and experiences wherein I have made declarations and promises before but did not live up to them or ended up giving up on them – so the first reaction within me was the thought that it would be 'best' to not make such statements when I am not absolutely certain that I can live up to them because then I would be lying to myself and will only create a bigger time loop for me to walk through – but really this is still just limitation and excuses to remain limited. This is still the same design of enslavement that has kept humanity excusing itself from actually changing and doing whatever it takes, no matter what, to stand up and take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the words “Do you dare to end fear in one single breath?” within separating myself from those words as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living the statement of ending fear in one single breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not ending fear in one breath due to not taking self responsibility for what self is accepting and allowing to exist within self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the limitation of fearing to end fear in one breath so that I can continue to justify my position of limitation and continue to remain 'powerless' and pretend that I am not responsible for my self-creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist changing me and walking the physical correction of me to stop the patterns and experiences and memories that I have existed as because such patterns and experiences and memories are not real in fact and will only keep me enslaved to living in my past and trying to fix my past instead of being here and realizing that here, in each breath, is the opportunity to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the fear of failure and projecting failure into my future within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to end fear in one breath because apparently fear is who and what I stand equal to and thus resist letting go of because then I would actually be letting go of a part of me which provided me with a way of not actually dealing with my life because I would always be able to hide behind fear as a distraction and excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ending fear in one breath because if I did not have fear and did not accept or allow fear within me, there would no longer be any more excuses for me to not live fully in each moment and actually stand up within myself and my world and do whatever I can to make a difference because then I would no longer fear failure, fear opinions of others, fear my past, or fear my own projected limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'talk' myself out of being able to stop fear in one breath due to fear of not being able to stop fear in one breath and thus have to experience a fall within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate stopping fear in one breath with the thought and belief that it is not possible because this is just 'the way I am' because this is not in fact so and is only a self-belief.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as me the statement “I dare to end fear in one breath”.

When I notice myself facing a point of fear within myself I will stop and bring myself back HERE and live the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath” and I will move myself to immediately correct myself and work with the situation that I find myself in without fear or anxiety and will not accept or allow fear or anxiety within me and in this I will live as me the statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath”.

When I notice myself participating in fear within myself I will stop because I realize that I am the one who creates the fear and I am the one who allows the fear to have an 'effect' on me, so within that realization I do not require to experience or allow fear to direct who I am, because the fear will only protect my limitations.

The next point I noticed within me was the 'eternity' aspect of making a statement such as “I dare to end fear in one single breath” - such a statement is a 'forever' statement that can only be true if it stands the test of time, and within this was intimidation and fear because forever according to the mind is a very long 'time' and in that time, I accepted and allowed myself to project backdoors and already anticipate that I will indeed continue to fall to fear and experience the disappointment of not living up to my words. So already, I have excused and justified why I am not able to make a statement and stand by it for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making statements that stand for eternity because I have not trusted myself or developed within myself sufficient self trust and discipline to stand within and as the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making and living the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath” only to be faced with a fear and not live up to the statement and thus diminish my point of self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the opportunity to live the statement of “I dare to end fear in one breath” within holding on to my current ideas and beliefs and limitations and believing that I am not able to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making eternal statements because I fear that I do not have the sufficient self will and self discipline to make a decision that lasts for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear eternity because I fear repeating the mistakes of my past and thus project those mistakes into the future, which I then compound when considering the span of “eternity” as an infinite 'future' in which I am able to make many many more mistakes and failures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the same mistakes from my past because there are still points within myself and my environment which I have not transcended and within this I fear that I will not be able to stand eternally within a point because I have not yet transcended what I am currently facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I do not trust myself now so I cannot ever trust myself” as a way to abdicate myself and deny my responsibility to change self and direct self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make the statement of “I dare to stop fear in one breath” then it means that I must, from now on, never experience fear again – instead of realizing that it is not about never experiencing fear, but to stop fear in one breath each and every time from now into eternity until fear no more exists within me or my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that making and living the statement of “I dare to stop fear in one breath” means that in one breath I must forevermore never experience or have to face fear again, and within that expectation I already talk myself out of being able to practically live the statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath”.

I realize that “time” according to the mind is not real and that 'eternity' does not exist as some vast expanse outside of myself projected forever into the future, but is in fact already HERE. Thus who I am now, and what I am currently accepting of myself in this moment, is the self that is being lived into eternity – which means that who I am as the current accumulation of 'me' is the 'me' that will exist within and as eternity, and that in each moment I am responsible for ensuring that who I am and what I accumulate as me is what is best for all, because then what is best for all is what I am contributing and existing as for 'eternity'.

So within this, I live the word 'eternity' not as some future outside of myself that goes on forever and ever separate from me, over which I apparently have no influence, but rather 'eternity' is that which is already here, that which is the infinite moment – thus to live a statement for eternity is to live a statement in each moment – in each breath – which can only be done breath by breath. And as I push and will myself to live breath by breath and ensure that I am living fully and in self honesty in each breath, one after the other, one forgiving and letting go of the other and not worrying about the 'next' breath that is not yet here, I will be able to live any statement into the eternity that is HERE.

The next point I saw within this was that at the moment there are still points within myself and my environment where I am not the directive principle of me, where I still allow myself to participate in fear, still allow myself to remain enslaved to the mind and abdicate myself to a position in which I simply 'let life happen to me' and 'go along for the ride' instead of taking the wheel for myself and directing myself in each moment and ensuring that my actions are always accumulating within what is best for all. It is in such places where backchat and self-defeat reside – the corners where I have abdicated myself the most – the people and situations that I have always dreaded and feared – are the places that I must walk through and stand within to forevermore establish beyond the shadow of any doubt that I indeed remain and that I will not fall, and that the words that I speak as declarations of self will stand the test of time. I realize this because if there is anything within me that I am fearing to direct, fearing to face, fearing to take responsibility for, then I am not actually trustworthy because I will continue to abdicate myself and compromise my self honesty in order to remain 'safe' from that fear – thus any statement of self cannot actually be trusted if self is not trustworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist taking responsibility for who I am and what I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in in relation to my current situation and environment because of believing that I am not able to stand up and change within this specific circumstance and thus should simply allow myself to go along 'for the ride' and allow myself to be moved by consequence instead of self direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and resist my current situation instead of realizing that this is the exact situation behind which I have hidden many of my fears and limitation and that it is only my mind as ego and self interest that is telling me that I should find a way 'out' so as not to have to actually face myself and what I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the environment and the people in my life right now within separation and comparison, and within this, fear to stand up and direct myself because of fearing that I may fail and make things worse for me if I “rock the boat”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for my entire existence, not trust or value myself enough to stand up and change myself and face all of the points where I abdicate myself and give myself over to fear and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to just 'get on with life' and allow life to 'sort things out' on my behalf without having to face manifested consequences and have to take responsibility for myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear living the statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath” because that would mean I would have to no longer participate in the excuses and fears and limitations that I currently experience in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to resist facing who I am and who I have designed myself to be and taking the responsibility to change me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'wait' until I have the answer or wait until some better solution presents itself before I take the initiative to direct myself and my world.

I stop allowing myself to procrastinate and complain and argue in regards to my life and my circumstances because I realize that I am alone responsible for how I am experiencing myself within my reality and that I am responsible for what I am accepting and allowing within myself, which manifests within my world as the reflection of me.

I stop complaining and arguing about my life and my situation within my backchat to myself within getting myself into a state of self defeat and depression because I see and realize that this will only further enslave me to my experiences and will not assist or support me in changing my world or my experience.

When I see myself throwing myself a 'pity party' I will stop, bring myself to a complete and total stop and realize that such pity parties will only prolong my experience and will only lead to more polarity as I shift from the negative into the positive only to start all over again as I feed the energetic addictions of my design, believing that this is what it is to be 'alive'. Thus I will stop and realize that throwing myself a pity party and not supporting myself and simply resorting to whining and complaining within myself as backchat or to others in my world will only feed that exact experience further, and will actually support that very experience within this world because I am standing one and equal to it.

When I see myself complaining and whining instead of directing myself and walking the solution as myself, I stop and realize that I am only arguing for my limitations and that I am only enslaving myself further to consequence instead of being self-directed. Thus I will myself to STOP whining and complaining about my life and my situation and instead investigate how I created this current situation and how I am responsible for directing it within what is best for all – thus giving myself back to myself, equalizing myself to “God” by forgiving myself and creating myself 'anew'.

Thus I now live the statement of “I dare to stop fear in one breath” instead of “I do not dare to stop fear in one breath” - breath by breath I will live this and I will continue to bring myself back to breath each time I 'lose' myself, until I am here, as the eternal statement “I dare to stop fear in one breath”.

I am grateful for this fellow destonian for bringing up this question - and I encourage all to ask themselves as well.

Stopping the Broken Record Begins with Self Change

2011-09-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

This is my one life. What does that mean to me practically?

In reflecting on my 'life' thus far I see that I have been living out the same general pattern over and over – as though the same cycles keep repeating and I find myself always returning the the same position, only being worse off than before because I have lost faith in myself, or I have lost self-trust because I had recognized the same issues and yet did not push myself to break the pattern and in finding myself back in the same spot that I seem to always return to, I experience a diminishment within myself because then comes the thought “Maybe this is just the way it is” or “Maybe I really can't change, because I keep falling back to this”.

I am at the moment experiencing such a point – where there is a bugging question that seems to burn within me – which is “Am I really just stuck repeating the same mistakes, living the same patterns, continuing to lose myself more and more?” - I have entertained this question within myself many times before and in a way I would say that this question is always in the background, part of my back-chat, part of the actual personality that I have become because this question has never been satisfactorily answered and has been a constant point of doubt within me – which now I see has been part of the reason why I continue to manifest the same pattern – the same question – because I have not actually answered it for myself.

The general point that I can identify is that I will find myself in a situation where I must break through my accepted comfort zones and expand myself to take on greater responsibilities while having the support that I require in order to do so, and yet I have within my life consistently sabotaged myself or found ways to excuse or justify why I was not 'able' to push past the comfort zone and walk into a new expression within self trust. What would then happen is I would give in to my fears, and anticipate failure, and within the anticipation of failure I would immediately seek the 'scapegoat' – the point where I could blame or justify why I failed so that I would not have to ever move beyond my comfort zone and would never have to actually stand within self trust, which comes with self responsibility.

Often I have blamed my environment, by family, my financial situation, my lack of 'access' to a resource, or the people in my immediate world whether it was coworkers or intimate partners, but I have not, in self honesty, brought the points back to self completely – always I had left a back door open to blame and project onto others and always I tried to protect my own ego because I thought that the ego was going to protect me and help me 'sort things out' and 'keep my world together'.

What is fascinating is that I am becoming more aware of myself within all of this – I can see the mechanisms moving and am able to catch myself more than I have before. I am beginning to develop the self intimacy and understanding of me, of how I work, of how my design functions – and within understanding how and why I have allowed this design of myself to exist as me, I am able to take responsibility.

I did not want to be self honest with myself and face the fact that I am responsible for my experience and that I am the one creating all of it. I did not want to have to be the one to let go of my ego, my self design, and correct myself and take responsibility for myself. And here, I still have doubts – I still have insecurities – but I see that self trust is not magical – it must be developed, trained, maintained just like any other skill that one wishes to acquire – just like anything else that has become part of my current pattern and design as 'joe kou' – and as long as I keep the question of “Am I doomed to repeat the same failures” burning within me, I will continue having to face manifested consequences in my life until the question is settled once and for all – and here I see I must make a stand and ensure that I stop falling – stop looping – stop allowing myself to only learn from 'mistakes' and 'consequences' and begin to direct myself within self trust and self directive application – otherwise my life will remain one giant broken record trying to come to some 'conclusion' that never arrives – constantly playing the same old tune – the same old routines – the same tired song. It is time to stop because the longer I let this record stay stuck, the deeper the imprint left on the record itself and the more difficult I make it for myself to actually move on, where eventually this one song, this one loop, becomes all there is because it's all that I've ever accepted of myself.

I am beginning to understand more clearly the function and design of ego – which I would define as the design of myself as knowledge and information which I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is who and what I am, which exists in a 'secret space' within myself where I am the 'god' of my inner reality able to believe whatever I choose to believe and experience myself in whatever manner pleases me as ego and gives me the sense of energy and stimulation which I have allowed myself to accept as 'being alive'.

I have come to see that the design of ego is actually a construct meant to keep me forever acting, interacting, and reacting to and as the mind as thoughts, feelings, and emotions, which generate the energy that the ego must feed off of in order to be 'alive'.

The ego does not rest, and is eternally patient because it is in a way the 'master design' of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be – it is 'master' because I have within my life extensively abdicated myself and made myself subservient to it, believing it to actually BE who I am.

When I have made mistakes within my life, I have relied on my ego to 'patch things up again' within myself – putting up walls of excuses and justifications and convenient ways to blame others for my limitations and shortcomings – because the ego cannot ever be proven 'wrong' or 'fallible' – because to do so would undermine the entire personality design of me which has been based and built upon the foundation of trusting my ego and trusting my 'intellect'.

When it comes to matters of having to take responsibility for events that occur within my life, I experience heavy resistance which I now see is the ego needing to be 'right' and requiring that a way be found to not take responsibility so that the ego can remain intact – like a dictator that eliminates all evidence of his wrongdoing and prevents any kind of dissent that may lead to revolt – that is how I have within my life intentionally been a dictator to myself – where I have not wanted to face my limitations and take responsibility for myself to change myself and correct myself as well as make proper reparations to the people in my world that I have manipulated and abused – all in the name of protecting myself, all in the name of keeping up the facade of me being 'in control' and 'stable' when in fact I was enslaved and constantly experiencing turbulence within myself as energy and conflict.

Ok so bringing this point back to my original topic – which is what this all means in the scope of me facing my points within this one and only life – this one and only opportunity for me to realize myself as life and stop playing the same old record of diminishment.

I am realizing that each time I fall on a point or each time that I find that I have time-looped a point and have to face it all over again, I as the ego, as the dictator which has a vested interest in me continuing to diminish myself as life so that I may remain enslaved – will use that point as further authority to remain in power – meaning each time that I diminish my point of self trust and self honesty by falling on a point and not taking responsibility for myself, I further entrench myself within and as ego – believing myself to be able to 'outsmart' manifested consequence and not have to face my self creation – which is of course impossible.

So what would happen is I would experience the fall and realize that I did not stand up and that I must walk the point over again, but now there is greater doubt within me, and a greater chance for the ego to assert itself in order to 'protect' me from having to face the fear of failure again. The ego will use any and ALL means so that I remain enslaved forever to my self beliefs and forever hold myself to my past as experiences instead of standing up within and as principle within and as each breath, and within this, the likelihood that I will fall again becomes greater, and self diminishes more, and the record keeps repeating, and more and more I allow myself to believe that I cannot change, that I am a 'loser', that I am forever enslaved to my 'design'.

No more. No more because I give myself the authority and responsibility to stop diminishing myself out of fear of diminishment. No more, because I understand how this ego functions and I know where it will lead me if I continue to allow myself to defer to it and hold myself as prisoner to my past.

I give myself the authority and responsibility, understanding that I am fully equipped and fully capable of supporting myself through this process and that the answer to “Am I doomed to remain enslaved forever” is NO, because each time I do not accept the preprogrammed reaction of the ego – each time I do not allow myself to go into self pity or self judgment and not live the courage to take responsibility for myself, for my life, and for my world, I am restoring self as authority and thus not allowing self to be enslaved.

In the scope of this reality – this existence – my issues with ego are petty. There are billions of humans on this planet who are not even aware of the tools of self forgiveness and self honesty and will continue their existence lost and repeating the same cycle of diminishment until all of humanity has completely diminished. There are billions who will never have the chance or opportunity to have what I now have at my disposal – to have the access and the resources to change self and stand up and change this system so that ALL may realize for themselves that we do not require to diminish – that we do not require to exist under the tyranny of dictatorships whether they be political heathens who abuse and exploit their citizens or the dictatorships of the mind as ego that abuse who and what we are as life.

So what am I saying? What am I realizing? And what will I do?

I realize that I have only one life and that it is up to me to stand up and make of this life something that is of benefit and support for all because what is best for all is what matters – what is best for all is the optimum realization of who we all are as life – and that at the moment I am limited by my own self accepted limitations and definitions which are my responsibility to change – and that no amount of self forgiveness that is not followed with immediate self correction will only be another point abdication where I diminish myself as well as diminish the opportunity to stand up as life for the billions who may never get the opportunity to do the same.

I realize that falling is simply and indication that I have not fully stood within my realizations and still have backdoors and limitations – and that I do not require to judge myself or go into self pity or diminish myself within what I have already walk and what I have pushed through so far, but simply require to adjust and keep walking as the correction, and here not allowing the ego to take it's revenge or to feed doubt or diminishment within myself.

I realize that the ego is simply a design to keep me from actually breaking through my accepted and allowed limitations and is not in fact assisting me to expand myself as a being within self trust and self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into pity and self doubt and self judgment when realizing that I have not stood and that I must re-walk a point that I did not transcend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others will judge me and seek to harm me or hold me at a disadvantage if I expose that I have points that I have fallen on, which is actually only my own ego holding myself back and victimizing myself and thus resonating that as my accepted and allowed 'nature' which I fear others may 'pick up on'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to stand alone without support and yet within that very fear isolating myself and casting myself out and deceiving myself and others within using my ego to present a self that is 'together' and 'stable' instead of being self honest and actually correcting myself and walking equal with others who walk this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of ego and trusting myself to direct myself without the 'feedback' of the ego to tell me what to do in order to not have to stand as the point of self change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my ego and to want to separate myself from ego when in fact the ego is but my own accepted and allowed participation one and equal and thus I am not separate from ego and ego is not an 'enemy' to be battled or feared but simply to stand and direct myself one and equal and align myself so that the pattern/design that I exist as is a pattern/design that supports what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within constant and consistent self doubt and self diminishment within holding on to my failures and my past within fearing to fall and fearing that others will judge me for falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself within failure and diminishment as the memories and experiences of and as my past which I have stored within myself as knowledge and information instead of realizing that life is not able to be lived or expressed within the past or within stored knowledge and information because life is HERE, in each moment, in each breath, and in each breath I am determining what I am living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within the emotion and pattern of feeling like a 'loser' and that “I will never be able to do anything right, so why bother?” when facing a point within my world where I require to challenge the foundations of my self-design or when I am facing a point that I have not yet transcended and must walk from the beginning again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the realization of having to walk a point over again and re-establishing self within self trust and self honesty to the idea and belief that there must be a period in which I diminish myself and go into self judgement and self hatred for having 'failed' and thus create more conflict and friction and self doubt within and as self, instead of realizing that I am able to simply breathe and in one breath correct myself and move on and never look back again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define responsibility as something that I must dread and fear and prepare myself for in order to avoid pain, embarrassment, or possible failure or having to admit that I made a mistake that requires to be corrected and taken responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is painful, embarrassing, or likely to lead to further failure and problems when I take responsibility for a point that requires to be corrected within myself, my environment, my relationships, or my world.

When I notice myself tightening up when faced with a point of fear or anxiety within taking responsibility on a point or when I am anticipating failure or shame or embarrassment, I STOP immediately and realize that this is the revenge of the ego attempting to assert itself.

When I notice myself tightening up when faced with a point of fear or anxiety within taking responsibility for a point or when I am anticipating failure or shame or embarrassment, I will give myself a moment to breathe, check in with myself, and will not say or do anything out of reaction in order to avoid responsibility or to escape from the experience of fear or anxiety within me. I will breathe and clear myself and when I am clear I will accept the responsibility that I require to take and will see it through because I realize and understand that if I do not, I will only diminish myself further and the problems will not go away and I will simply have to face them again, compounded.

When I notice myself wanting to hide or ignore or blame another or fabricate stories to mask my responsibility, I STOP, I breathe, and will NOT allow myself to go there because I see and realize that if I attempt to hide from myself and from another my point of responsibility by trying to blame, justify, or fabricate, I am compromising my self honesty and thus accumulating conflict and friction within myself which will undermine me as my principle and I will require to face the point again, compounded.

When I see and notice myself wanting to remain in limitation and self pity when facing a point or feeling overwhelmed or experiencing myself as unable to move on, I push myself to remain here as breath and constantly bringing myself back HERE instead of being in the mind as ego. I do not require to judge myself or involve the ego in any way because I simply require to do what is necessary to be done to the best of my ability – and any doubts or resentments or regrets will only come if I hold myself back within fear or limitation or excuses – because if I self honestly am HERE and doing what I require to do in the moment, there is no reason to judge or doubt myself for what I “should have done”.

So I continue, I adjust, I keep walking. I do not give up on myself. I will not allow myself to give up on myself because I realize that this is not just about 'me'. This is my one and only life and I must make the best of it and use what is here to the fullest of my ability because there is no guarantee that I will be here again and no way of knowing what will become of me or this world when I am gone, so while I am here I push myself to stand for the billions of others who at the moment cannot – because they are ME, depending on ME as life to stand up and change this world – and that change must first be reflected within and as myself so that I can stand absolute and know that I will do whatever it takes to stop this broken record of diminishment that humanity has been looping.

Dare to Change the Broken Record of Self Limitation?

SF on Discipline and Consistency - Building A Better Self

2011-09-07T23:03:00.000-07:00

I am currently working with the point of consistency and discipline within directing myself and the time that I have in my day and a few fascinating points have come up within this.

What is fascinating here is that discipline and consistency are actually the very tools that one must master in order to be successful in anything that one takes on, and the more disciplined and consistent one is, the more effective one becomes in manifesting the outcome that they would like – and this is not to be compared to the Law of Attraction theory of 'focus on what you want' and the Universe will simply manifest it for you by attracting your desires into your reality based on your thoughts – here I am speaking about the practical application of discipline and consistency and how that is a part of our self-creation.

What I am beginning to understand and apply for myself is the realization that it is through accumulation that we create who we are as well as influence our environment and the world that we participate in. This reality is based on a kind of 'input/output' programming where the things one participates in constantly and continuously will be most likely to manifest – and this is true for the words that we speak to ourselves in our backchat as well – because if one is constantly and continuously participating in diminishing and self dishonest back-chat, what is in fact happening is that one is already scripting self and accumulating the points where the back-chat will actually manifest and play out in one's world and ones reality because it is the 'reality' that one has actually accepted within self, as the back-chat.

A point that I have also come to realize is that there is no hiding from back-chat because that which we are accepting and allowing within ourselves WILL manifest within our world in one way or another so that we face the point of our self-creation, and we take responsibility for what we are doing to ourselves and others – so when it comes to back-chat I have had resistances to working with the actual nature of me, the actual nastiness that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and try to hide in my secret mind where apparently nobody can 'find out' but really there is no point to trying to hide it because any fear of judgment from others is actually my own judgment of myself, my own guilt and shame of myself for having allowed such participation within me in spite of self-honesty – and thus to judge myself or try to suppress these points further or try to 'cope' with it just won't work because I am still HERE and I am with me and I cannot in fact lie to myself because self is always aware even when self is being deliberately dishonest with self, self is aware – and in that awareness is the point where self must and will eventually stand either by self direction or by manifested consequence.

So to bring this point back in relation to resistances to discipline and consistency.

Firstly I see that I have held on to ideas and conceptions about discipline and consistency that do not actually support me in how I would like to live those words as me.

Firstly, discipline – I have attached the idea of being 'punished' and being 'forced' to do something against my will, something that I do not want to do and do not agree with doing, but am being made to do it by an authority that has power over me, which I resent and want to 'fight back against', so I begrudgingly do the thing that I am being forced to do because I am being 'disciplined' and have to trust the other being that this is 'for my own good' – this of course coming from experiences in my childhood in relation to my mother and how I experienced her as 'disciplining me' when I would be scolded or made to correct myself in order to fit what my mother perceived to be the correct thing for me to do in terms of what she believed was best for me.

So here already 'discipline' has a negative connotation and a separation from self in terms of believing that 'discipline' is something that I must do in order to please/appease something outside of myself – such as another person, a group, or an ideal separate from me as who I am – and here is where resistance plays a role, where I am wanting to 'fight back' and wanting to 'assert myself' within trying to defend myself and protect the current ideas and definitions I have about myself in fear that I am being 'challenged unfairly' and being 'forced' to do something I don't want to do and not trusting self within doing what is actually best for all and for myself, and fearing that what I am trying to 'discipline' myself for is not in fact best for me.

So here is the point where backchat comes up about 'discipline' – where I go into excuses and justifications within ego and wanting to defend why it is 'not necessary' to apply myself within discipline on a point that I am working with – such as “That's not going to work anyway” or “I'll get to it when I'm ready – I'm not ready right now and I have other things I'd rather do”, or “I will allow myself this time to not stick to discipline and instead do what I desire to do and then I will apply myself within discipline again, after I have indulged myself”.

So when I participate in these points and allow myself to give in to this backchat, I am actually already participating in a form of 'discipline' – where I as my mind/ego/self interest/personality apply the 'discipline' of not standing up and stopping my participation within thoughts/energy as desires and preferences – and the more I allow this to continue, the more disciplined my ego and backchat becomes – the more persistent and persuasive it becomes, because the backdoor has been left WIDE OPEN for such points to possess me and compromise me as the standing of myself within self direction. So here already I am quite 'disciplined' through the process of accumulating instances where I have allowed my backchat and desires to direct me instead of applying myself, stopping myself, correcting myself, and establishing myself as the directive principle of me within awareness and self honesty.

The same can be said of consistency – which I would define to be the actual practical application and participation of that which one is disciplined within. So if my 'discipline' is to allow my backchat and desires to control and direct me, then my consistency would be that of compromising myself and diminishing my self trust.

It is interesting here to look at 'consistency' because it can also relate to that which one 'consists' of – meaning that which one is 'made of' in terms of substance – one's 'consistency' can be see as a reflection/description of one's 'build' and 'design' in the same way that physical materials have a certain 'consistency' in terms of their qualities – the same is true here of the consistency that we build ourselves and create ourselves from – thus where one applies discipline is where one has consistency, and that consistency is the building blocks of who we are as our 'substance', what we 'consist of' as the self that we are creating.

Self Forgiveness on “Discipline”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the point of discipline by defining it through ideas, pictures, opinions, and experiences from my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist discipline within believing that it is something that is difficult and something that I should be wary of within the fear of being made to do something that I do not agree with and do not see the benefit of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that which I do not see immediate results for, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously fear the future and project fears into possible futures which I end up walking into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that which I do not immediately see and know all the answers to because I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and remain here with myself no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist discipline within the fear that it might not work out and I will have wasted all of my time within disciplining myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from discipline within attaching the application of discipline to memories, experiences, and beliefs related to self doubt and wasting time, wherein I project failure before I have actually, fully applied myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live and apply the realization that self creation is a process of accumulation and within this, self must be consistent and disciplined without fearing the result because the fearing of not seeing the result is accumulating the fear of not seeing results, which creates that exact experience within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist discipline because I have held on to memories and ideas about myself having given up before on many things and not having had the discipline to keep on going no matter what, and fearing that this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist discipline because I want a guarantee that I will succeed and when I do not see instant results or change, I become discouraged because I have not developed sufficient self trust and self value, and thus place value within 'success' as something outside of me to be attained once I have applied “discipline”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist discipline because it does not stimulate me within energy of 'instant gratification' and 'reward' which I have become addicted to and have defined myself by, wherein if I am not experiencing the stimulation of being rewarded with something, then I go into an energetic withdrawal and seek the next point of instant gratification to feed my addiction to energy instead of accumulating for myself a point of stability within discipline that is not based on polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear discipline because it I have defined myself as being unaccountable and unreliable and fear to face that point within myself due to accumulated shame and guilt, which are only mechanisms of my ego wanting to defend itself and not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the change of myself that will come with discipline.

I STOP. When I see/notice myself distracting myself and not applying myself within discipline for the points that I set for myself to participate in and accumulate for myself such as writing, studying, or pushing myself to correct and change a pattern within me, I will immediately live and apply the correction and complete the task that I set for myself instead of allowing myself to be further directed by and thus further accumulate backchat.

I realize and understand that when I am not disciplined and directing myself, I am allowing myself to be directed by preprogrammed stimulation and that such stimulation will only lead me to cycles of positive and negative while constantly diminishing myself as life as who I am, and within this my self trust diminishes because I am then living and reacting to experiences and memories and emotions and believing them to be me instead of actually taking responsibility for myself and changing and living for real.

I will not judge myself or participate in backchat of self diminishment or self doubt as I walk this point of discipline because I see and understand that this requires self trust and requires consistent application within time – and that I will have to face and walk through the times that I did not trust myself and stand up from where I am instead of judging myself and believing that I am 'failing' because I do not see instant results or instant change.

Thus discipline is not something that is a punishment that I must begrudgingly do while secretly not actually embracing the discipline as myself and waiting for the opportune moment to rebel and resist and find a 'way out' of having to 'do' the discipline as something separate from me.

Discipline is me, establishing myself, building a foundation upon which to further specify and refine the creation of me – thus I embrace discipline as a tool and method to structurally change me as the foundations I have previously accepted and replace that which did not support and serve me to be and become a being that stands eternal within self honesty and what is best for all, to be able to walk here one and equal and have no shame or guilt and share in the opportunity that is here as physical, as the potential of heaven on earth.

Self Forgiveness on “Consistency”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within the belief that I am not aware of what I am doing and thus am not required to be responsible for my consistency, which is that which I 'consist' of, which is a result of the things that I consistently participate in and allow within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consistently participate in and allow backchat as self-doubt and self-judgment which has become part of the foundation upon which I have built my current character and 'consistent-cy'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within resisting discipline and consistent application of self correction, instead allow for myself to accumulate the consistency of diminishment and untrustworthiness wherein I do not take responsibility for my self accepted flaws and limitations and instead attempt to cope with and 'live with' such flaws and limitations, and to become nasty and spiteful to those in my world that stand to challenge and these foundations and support me and encourage me to change and let go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the consistency of not caring about myself and thus not caring about others within the justification of “I do not deserve life so I do not care of others deserve it too because I don't have a stake in being here, so I do not have a stake in the responsibility that is here for all, one and equal”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the consistency of not caring about those who stand to change themselves and this world within having participated and accumulated the point of 'giving up' on myself instead of realizing that I simply have not embraced myself as life and have not stood equal to the potential that is here to change self and stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the consistency of finding excuses and deliberately distracting myself from facing myself and establishing myself within self trust and self honesty due to fearing my own past and fearing my own fear, which is fearing my own self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself within not understanding that I have created this fear within thoughts and beliefs and thus I do not require to ever fear because I am able to stop and delete these constructs within me, and live the realization that fear is not supportive and will never actually assist me and will only create that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that consistency is key to self creation and that I am the manifested outcome and result of my consistency, and to deliberately not take responsibility for what I am consisting of within that perspective.

I stop. I take responsibility for myself within my consistent-cy because I see and realize that what I consistently accept and allow and participate in becomes the actual consistency of who and what I am and what my world will be as a result of that.

I will myself to be consistent in the points that will strengthen me within self trust and the resolve to do whatever it takes to stand within self honesty and to do at all times what is best for all.

I will myself to be aware of that which I am currently consisting of, in terms of that which I am currently consistently participating in, which will by accumulation define and specify the effectiveness and result of me as self creation because I realize and understand that my consistency is my foundation and if my foundation is lacking, then my self creation will not have proper support to be everything that I can be.


Photo by Joana Ferreira Edited by Marlen Vargas Del Razo	Desteni I Process

WORDS and the Power of Self Creation

2011-08-31T00:02:00.000-07:00

At the moment I am investigating the point of words and how words are the actual 'programming language' that we use to script ourselves as the information that we are existing as. At the moment the human is a programmed biological robot that functions on information as words – which we use to define ourselves by and create the inner landscape of our minds with – and it is these words and the networks of information and pictures associated with these words that become our actual reality through our acceptance and allowance and participation with the thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pictures we attach to the words that are used as the 'language of self'.

We can see this illustrated in the very first verse in the gospel of John from the “holy” bible -

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1

My understanding of this is that WORDS are the prime 'building block' of creation – they are the symbols used within the language of universal programming – meaning words are not just letters put together and then given a definition and sound to in order for people to communicate – because 'words' exist within us as thoughts – as the actual spark from which creation flows – so in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word WAS God... and still is – because words create who we are and shape our reality.

When one is not aware of the words that we are using and what contexts we have associated to these words, we are in essence allowing ourselves to be directed by entire scripts of information that have been accumulated through the years of our conditioning by family, society, media, culture, and the very nature of the mind consciousness systems that exist within and as us – and these networks of pictures and meanings and definitions as well as memories and experiences that are attached to the words of our vocabulary – the words that we use within ourselves when we 'think' and make decisions or come to realizations or conclusions – determine the outflows and specificity of the 'script' we are living as Living Words. Thus the definitions we are accepting and holding on to when it comes to the words that we program ourselves by and 'think' with determine the quality and nature of what we end up executing as our 'program' or 'script'.

In having a look at how we treat words and how we are taught words from childhood we see that we are not actually shown practical applications for words or for implementing effective definitions that are able to be lived in a way that supports us within our lives to make better decisions – rather we color the words we learn with unnecessary and cumbersome definitions often loaded with emotional, experiential, ethical/moral, or opinion based information that is not actually effective when it comes to how we live these words and how we use these words within our self-creation.

For example we can look at the word “honor”. One is able to go to a dictionary and look up the word “honor” for the literal definition of the word – but we are not taught that definition – most of us did not learn the word “honor” based on a practical and consistently applicable definition – rather we see things being described as “honorable” or we are taught to associate a certain feeling or emotional response as the sense of “honor” - and so we attach our own 'meanings' and our own definitions to this word and everybody has developed their own set of pictures, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and experiences in relation to this word “honor” - which is why when we ask several people to specifically define 'honor' they do not give a clear and consistent definition like we see in the dictionary – rather they will share what they have attributed 'honor' with and will perhaps 'describe' honor through those pictures and beliefs in order to communicate to you their definition of the word as how they live that word as themselves and the information they are currently existing as.

Thus it is important that we develop effectiveness and awareness within the words that we use and the definitions we give them because they are the words that we live, and the words that we live – the words that we accept as ourselves – are the building block of not only our own lives but of this very existence – because we are all, in a collective fashion, scripting this entire experience and if we are accepting and allowing definitions of words within us that do not support life or have been loaded with pictures and beliefs that lead one towards behaviors and patterns of destructiveness, abuse, or diminishment, then such events become part of the lived reality within this world.

For example, I am here looking at the word “mistake” and how within my life I have associated and attached so many ideas and definitions to the word that now by simply thinking the word 'mistake', automatically the network of associations and attachments come up

What is a mistake?

Firstly when I have a look at the word itself I must trace it back to the original points of attachment that I have associated to this word, because it is these associations and definitions that come up and become part of my actual experience of myself whenever I 'make a mistake' within my life – and based on how I have defined the word mistake and what pictures, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and memories I have associated to this word “mistake”, I will accordingly experience myself as well as make further decisions or go into specific reactions to this experience of 'mistake'.

For much of my life I have carried a negative and diminishing kind of definition to the word 'mistake' , such as -

Memories of being punished as a child when I did something 'bad'
Judging others for making 'mistakes'
Fearing to make mistakes because I do not want others to judge me the way I judge others
Believing that others see me as my mistakes and judge me for them
Believing that mistakes are “wrong” and not acceptable and are to be ashamed of
Believing that I am going to have to face punishment for my mistakes
Memories of believing self to be a 'bad person' or that something is wrong with me if I make a 'mistake'.

So here already one can see the many layers and experiences that can be attached and associated to a word, and when that word 'activates' within one's reality the entire 'network' of associations also come up within one's experience of self.

Lately I had the experience of being in a point of constant self diminishment and a sense of 'heaviness' within me that seemed to persist no matter what – and I saw that I was carrying within myself judgments and emotions and memories that were 'anchored' to the word “mistake” and “failure” - which have been words that I have heavily associated to negative experiences within and as myself as the definition of those words, as how I was living those words – which manifested within my world the experiences of heaviness, self defeat, wanting to give up, and memories within my life tied to emotional experiences of anger, frustration, and depression.

So to support myself I applied the tools within the Desteni I Process where we take the words we are currently living and applying specific self forgiveness and self corrective applications along with giving the words a 'new definition' that is no longer charged with polarity and judgments but rather become practical, common sense, and supportive words as part of the language of our programming – and in doing so I am already noticing an effect in terms of me effectively stopping the pattern of self judgment and self defeat where before I may have lingered for a long time within the experiences tied to the words “mistake” and “failure” and wallowed within those definitions as myself instead of getting to the point of effective self support and self correction and installing a 'new program' instead of running the same old pattern that has proven itself to be ineffective, unsupportive, and loaded with self diminishment, which leads to the experience and result of self diminishment instead of self correction and expansion.

So I definitely suggest that one investigate the words that one is living and to effectively support self within purifying the living words that we exist as, and as we do this we change ourselves as well as change the definitions we are accepting and allowing within our world and our reality – because as mentioned before we learn these words and take on these definitions often through the examples and acceptances of others which we then take on for ourselves – so we as stand and purify the words that we live and live that new definition, we offer that same redefinition and self-expansion to others as ourselves – and together we are able to re-write the script of this reality into one that supports all.

Desteni Artwork by Damian Ledesma

Starting Over with Self

2011-08-17T23:26:00.000-07:00

The most important question for mankind cannot be answered by intellect. The question is can we forgive ourselves of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become unconditionally and dare to re-create ourselves without everything that we have trusted and believed in since the beginning of time? The answer to that question will determine everything in existence from here onward and will only be answered by what we LIVE, not what we say or think.

Here I clarify for myself what it is to truly live self forgiveness and my current perspective and understanding of what this process is to me.

For a long time I have allowed myself to exist within knowledge – within intellect as to what is actually going on in this reality within studying the desteni material. I have seen for myself that in fact I exist within a bubble as a mind consciousness system that functions on energy which is generated through participating in thoughts, feelings, and emotions, which I have believed myself to be, which I have accepted as the very essence and nature of who and what I am, and within that I have never actually lived, never actually been aware of myself as life.

I have applied self forgiveness on points that would bother me or cause a lot of tension/stress in my life as I have been participating in this process, but I have not gone fully within my application and did not let go of my self definition as “Joe Kou” as the collection of personalities that I have accumulated and created for myself through ego within trying to 'survive' and exist within this world while protecting myself from 'bad experiences' and suppressing points of unresolved, unforgiven fears and pains that I have bottled up within myself through my life. And while I realize that this is a process that will not happen overnight, I was not in fact living the words that I was placing and was steadily diminishing myself and my character with each lie that I told to myself and within this each lie that I told to others.

I have seen for myself that self forgiveness is in fact effective at stopping the programming and patterns, but if one does not go all the way within the application of self-correction and self-change within the point to forever stop that pattern, the same patterns will only come back and will seem even more difficult to remove because I have accepted them despite having applied self forgiveness and come to the realization that this pattern must end, and yet allowed them to continue within and as me as my actual manifested participation within this world. And once a point is physically participated in despite self honest realization, the point becomes more 'difficult' to diffuse because it has taken on a 'physical' layer that must be physically changed.

Within the walking of my process I did not slow down and give myself the opportunity to fully appreciate and apply the tools and would only apply myself when things got bad – and within this application I was actually participating in furthering my ego and self-interest within believing myself to be able to 'handle' things without having to fully apply self-writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-corrective application, and self dedication – I continued to allow points of dishonesty within and as myself despite knowing that I was in fact compromising myself.

I accepted and allowed the participation of “But I've come so far, and I'm able to continue and people seem to accept me” as the excuse and justification for not correcting myself and letting go – because for much of my life I have abdicated myself to and made myself enslaved to the acceptance/opinion/validation of others because I have not embraced myself and accepted myself.

Within all of this I created and manifested within my world many problems that I was not self honestly facing – one of the primary ones being that I was not in fact satisfied with my dedication and application within process yet I was continuing within the self-belief that my walking was equal to those who remained diligent and disciplined within their process. Instead of walking the point of humility and self honesty within letting go of the need to 'fit in' and be a part of a 'special group', I allowed myself to deceive myself and others when in fact I was not walking one and equal, and would actually be jealous/envious of people when I would compare myself to them within walking of this process, which lead to back-chat and spite because I rendered myself inferior to 'them'.

What I have been realizing for myself is that I have not worked through the point of self-hatred and self-sabotage within and as my ego, and much of this is attributed to the fact that I did not slow myself down to truly investigate and study and apply the material and pull apart my design of self before launching myself forward into a personality of being a picture/idea of a “destonian”. And within not having walked my process for MYSELF in establishing my standing and commitment to MYSELF, I found that my foundation was in fact not stable because the more I pushed myself to participate the more I found I was having trouble “keeping up” - because I was in fact only “keeping up” instead of walking fully within self-direction.

My understanding of myself and what this process is about was not complete, and I did not take the opportunity then to see this for myself. I realize that I myself have created this within what I accepted and allowed within myself as my back-chat and as my self-beliefs, and I see the point of self-creation is a constant process in which we must face and walk through that which we accumulate for ourselves and if we are not consistent within accumulating that which is best for all within self honesty, then we create situations where we must face the manifested consequences of our DELIBERATE self abuse and self manipulation – which is what I now walk and face within seeing my character, my 'standing', the world I had created for myself within dishonesty now collapse to find that I still remain and must now take responsibility for all that I have manifested.

Within all of this I see that I require to unconditionally forgive myself, as there can be no forgiveness from others – there is no point to be 'forgiven' because I must prove to myself that I take responsibility to never again allow this abdication and abuse to occur within myself or within my world – thus any forgiveness that comes from outside of myself is only further abuse within justifying my dishonesty.

The core of all of this is that I am realizing and now applying myself within this process for myself – to accumulate my own point of self-trust instead of applying myself because I did not want to stand alone and saw that there was comfort and support within the 'group' – here already making the statement that I do not in fact stand absolutely within my principles and must rely on the group to direct me.

Within this am working through the points of self-judgment that have kept me from fully walking this process for myself – and having manifested this experience of 'collapse' I see more clearly the points where allowed separation and dishonesty – so I give myself this moment of my life as an opportunity to stand up and correct myself with greater resolve.

What has assisted me within this experience has been to go back to the 'older' desteni videos – and get back to the simple basics and restart my walking – and to realize that this is in fact my one life and that it is ultimately up to me to make of it what I will within considering that what I do and what I accept has an effect on this world and on this reality and that this is not something to take lightly. So I can spend the rest of my life continuing with my pattens and self judgment and self compromise which leads to manipulation, dishonesty and abuse of myself and others in my world, or I can direct myself, humble myself, forgive myself, and walk a structured and disciplined process to stop this abuse.

I choose to direct myself, humble myself, and walk a structured process to release myself and take responsibility for myself and my world within what is best for all and to stop throwing away this life and this opportunity to stand up for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to my fears and limitations within believing that I am my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the realization that I must forgive all that I have accepted within myself that did not stand within self-honesty, and to instead hide within justifications and excuses to not live and apply myself fully within self-correction.

I stop. I am not my past and I am not my fears. I see and realize that I am fully capable of stopping and changing myself within disciplined application of self and that within this there is no excuse for limitation or fear as they are not in fact real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not matter in this world and that my actions and acceptances are 'inconsequential'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being self honest and having to face the point of really starting over unconditionally and fully letting go of who I think and believe I am in order to birth a new self that is not already pre-programmed.

I let go of the fear of stepping into a new self that is not preprogrammed within realizing that the preprogrammed existence will only lead to the same points over and over again and will only generate more abuse of myself and others and see that if I do not stop myself and correct myself in my living, then I am in fact abusing life and abusing this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest within my issues of holding on to my ego within fear and anxiety and trying to hold myself together and present myself as 'perfect' in order to receive acceptance and validation, which leads me to be dishonest and manipulative in order to 'win' and gain that acceptance from others.

I do not require acceptance or validation from others as I am already here, and it is only my mind seeking energy and experiences for itself in separation from that which is actually here that leads to experiences of me believing that I am inferior or somehow lacking and 'unacceptable'.

I stop. I breathe. I allow myself to start over and keep standing and walking until iI never fall again to the mind and to limitation and to abuse of myself and this existence.

I apply myself and push myself and realize that I within my mind am the only one holding me back from living here as life and I will not accept or allow my limitations and self-interest to override what is best for all within the decisions that I make and walk.

I forgive myself that I have within disregarding myself in my walking of process, disregarded others who walk this process, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others within my dishonesty and ego, which I did not let go of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist starting over within the fear that this would me I would have to give up everything of myself and fully walk on my own without the relationships and support that I had built for myself in my previous walking which was not self-honest.

I see and I understand that I walk this process for myself and that self-honesty means I do not compromise myself as the point of self-honesty in order to be happy or experience validation or acceptance or to have friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak and talk about my realizations and to give 'advice' to others before fully and completely walking the point for myself to be able to stand AS the self realization and advice.

I start over. I breathe. Continue. When I see myself wanting to give advice to another I will first ensure that the words that I share are words that I live and will stand by for eternity as the example of how to live those very words and if/when I see I am not clear, then I will share that I am not clear within self honesty and simply share my perspective for what it is instead of wanting to be 'right' and have the 'right answer' and within that participating in allowing my ego to override self-honesty in the sharing of support with others, because I see that the words that I speak must be the words that I live – otherwise I will only diminish myself and give support as 'add vice' to another as myself.

I see and I understand that I will now have to walk through all of the layers of deception that I have participated in and that I will have to prove myself to myself through actual change in my world to accumulate my self trust and rebuild my character and that this will require patience, dedication, and commitment. I breathe, I walk, until this is done.

Can I unconditionally forgive myself and change? I will not answer that with words from the mind – but through my living application.

Self Forgiveness on Separarating Myself From Others - Taking it Back to Self

2011-08-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

I have just experienced a point of lock-down and have gone into a point of blame and seeing another as being condescending and arrogant – and within this judgment I am separating myself from what this being is showing me as myself.

Some context – I am going to a coffee shop where there is wireless internet so that I can do some work on the laptop. The being that is going with me to the coffee shop to hang out and do work asks me whether or not I will be buying something. I mention that I might not. In that moment I assessed myself and saw that I was not wanting to have a hot beverage like coffee and that my stomach was still 'full' from a beverage I just finished.

The being that I was with then questioned whether or not I was okay with not actually buying anything yet 'hanging out' and at the coffee shop and using the internet. In that moment the being expressed herself in a way which I perceived to be righteousness and condescension, and I went into a reaction and resistance to the being, wanting to blame the being for being arrogant instead of slowing myself down and seeing what was actually going on within myself.

I participated in believing that this being was judging me by asking “So you're fine with not buying anything?” and then sharing the point that if she was a coffee shop owner she would not necessarily want people to just hang out and use the internet and not buy anything unless that was the determined 'atmosphere' of the shop – where there was an understanding that there was free internet and people are welcome to hang out – but in looking at the coffee shop that we were in, she shared that she did not see this to be such a place and she opened up the point of considering whether it was in fact cool that I was not actually buying anything.

Simplistically, at the moment when the being asked if I would buy something, I did not want to have anything and answered “maybe not”, so it was simply a case of not having clear communication. But due to my reaction to the other person asking me and projecting onto the other person that she was being condescending and judging me, I was not here and went into energetic possession.

I sat down and wrote out the points that were moving within me, and here I share self forgiveness which came from self writing on this point -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within reaction to another within and as my backchat instead of directing myself within remaining here and simply being self honest, and slowing myself down to effectively look at the point without ego and self-interest and direct the point within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other being was challenging me and wanting to change me or was in a point of judgment when she asked me whether I was okay with not buying anything while staying here at the cafe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the phrase and placement of words which have the structure of 'so you're totally fine', 'so you're okay with', 'so you have no points of'... in which I allow myself to participate within and as an energetic reaction and emotional experience of feeling as though the other is being condescending, as in “Oh, you think you don't have any points? I don't believe you, I will convince you otherwise because you are wrong/lying”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the other being questioning why I do or say certain things, within believing and projecting onto the other being that they are trying to prove a point for themselves as their ego and within this separating myself from how I do exactly the same thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for how I am experiencing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my internal experiences and reactions come from something outside of me that apparently 'makes me react' instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to participate or not participate in a reaction and that it is actually impossible for anything outside of myself to influence me unless I allow it to influence me within what I accept and allow myself to participate in.

I forgive myself myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other being is doing something to me that is causing me to react instead of realizing and applying the realization that my reactions come from my own points of separation where I am not wanting to look at and be self-honest with an aspect of myself and this I go into a reaction as emotion/feeling/judgment and thus blame something outside of myself so that I do not take the point back to self and take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the other being within my own projected reactions wherein I close myself off and become rude/spiteful to the other being, trying to get them to 'get it' and trying to make them admit that they are in the 'wrong' and that they should consider what they are doing 'wrong' instead of realizing that I am the one who must take responsibility in each moment and bring the point fully back to myself before being able to speak with clarity and without self-interest as ego and wanting to 'win' and be 'right' so that the point can actually be discussed from a starting point of equality within common sense and practicality as actual sharing of self with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be intimidated by the other being because of defining myself as a failure and as being inferior to the other being and thus blaming the being for being 'superior' and 'condescending' as though the other being has authority and power over me which is making me react or experience myself a certain way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for having diminished and abdicated myself to others and to be impatient with self as I walk my process to remove these layers of self abdication which I have participated in throughout my life, instead of realizing that this anger is not necessary as an emotional reaction but rather I am able to direct myself as self-movement within realizing that the anger indicates points where I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself before and did not stand up from, so to then direct those points where I notice anger within and as me and to in such moments support myself to no longer participate in the same points of accepted self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anger and frustration within and as myself, and to believe that such experiences are happening 'to' me instead of realizing that I am creating it and participating in it through what I am accepting and allowing as my own self definitions and opinions and self beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself and disregard myself and to believe that I am not 'worthy' of self-forgiveness and self-change due to having judged myself extensively and defining myself as a being who is 'not worthy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another being points out something to me that I am not taking into consideration, instead of slowing down and allowing myself to be humble with self instead of going into defending myself and trying to 'protect' myself from the perceived and projected judgment of another which is only and ALWAYS my own self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously focus on the things that I am not satisfied with in myself and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others in my world for how I am experiencing myself so that I do not have to actually face myself and be self-honest with how I have created myself to be this way and what I have allowed myself to participate in which has been abusive and dishonest to myself and to others in my world.

Self Forgiveness on reactions to the other being -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to separate myself from what the other being is showing me within her expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within righteousness and projecting superiority over others and dominating others through my will as self interest, and to project this onto the other being within separating myself from this point and thus blaming the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be condescending to others within the desire to be right and desire to win, which is what my reaction to this other being is revealing to me as what I have participated in within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define the other being as being arrogant and condescending and judgmental.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach and associate the feeling and experience of inferiority and threat to the experience of another saying the specific phrase of 'so you don't have any points?', or 'so you are totally clear on this?', or 'so you're totally fine with this?' as perceived and projected condescension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite another and to want them to take responsibility for themselves but in actuality wanting them to be 'wrong' so that I can continue to experience myself as 'right' and within that not have to face myself within my own points of separation and dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to desire for another to be 'wrong' so that I am able to get away with my own points of separation and dishonesty and to not have to be 'questioned' by another whom I have judged as 'inferior' and thus automatically 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself when experiencing a point of inferiority and hiding from myself wherein I blame another for being arrogant and condescending instead of realizing that I am in a point of reaction and that it has nothing at all to do with the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my ego and self defined righteousness to get others to agree with me and to intimidate others and exploit what I perceive what I perceive to be weakness in others in order to win an argument or to impose my will upon another to gain a position of superiority where I then feel justified within being 'right' and being able to then tell the other being(s) what to do from a starting point of separation and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out and manipulate points within others which I see I am able to use against them in order to gain a position of superiority so that I do not have to actually face myself within what the other being(s) in my world are showing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exploit others and to participate within battles of ego and in order to win and impose my will upon others and upon this world within the self delusion of believing that I know everything and that my opinions and knowledge are 'correct'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as separation from others and from this world instead of seeing all that is here as myself and taking responsibility for what I am creating and manifesting in this world which is the reflection of what is being accepted and allowed within myself.

Self Correction -

When I see and notice myself going into a point of reaction or judgment due to how I am experiencing another being's expression, I will not allow myself to accept the judgment and reaction as real or valid and will support myself to bring the point of reaction back to myself and ask myself “what is this being showing me about me, that I am in separation from and not wanting to be self-honest about?”.

I see and I understand how I within my design of ego and individuality will seek whatever means necessary to not actually face myself and peel away the layers of self-definition which I have created excuses and justifications for due to believing that I am these self-definitions and thus fearing to 'no longer exist' if I let go of these systems within me. So in such moments when I am faced with a point of reaction within my world and I see myself going into blame or wanting to change the other or make the other responsible for how I am experiencing something, I stop, and I support myself with breathing, self writing, speaking out the point for myself, applying self forgiveness and corrective application, and take responsibility for what I am creating and participating in and stop the blaming and judgment of self and of others.

I do not accept and allow myself to remain within judgments and anger and projection against other beings in my world and in my environments. I do not accept myself to exist within the limitation and abdication of self responsibility of allowing blame and projection as mechanisms to not actually see and face self in self-honesty. I see and understand that all that is here in my world is revealing me to me and that I have this one life as an opportunity to see myself, reflect myself as what I have participated in and accepted, and as I reveal myself to myself and I push myself to remain self-honest with what I have participated in and separated myself from, I will myself and dare myself to embrace me as the change of self and as the 'dying' of who and what I have accepted and believed myself to be, and I embrace this process of birthing myself as life and no longer existing as the mind and as mind systems.

I walk this process until it is done. It is done.

Stopping My Reliance on a False Identity

2011-07-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

At the moment I am facing some conflict within myself – I am facing the point of self-direction and self-responsibility – which are points that I have abdicated myself within for quite some time.

It is fascinating how the mind finds reasons and excuses, dressed up as 'logic' and 'reason' which allows one to justify and excuse not taking self responsibility and allowing for one to continue existing within fear, limitation, and constant diminishment.

In looking back at the design of myself and seeing the manifested consequences of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in as my mind, I see that the life that has been unfolding before me has been pre-programmed, and that I am not actually alive or directing myself but rather simply allowing a life to happen 'to me'. I have allowed my mind's interpretation and logic to determine each and every decision I have made, as well as form the basis upon which I created myself as an 'individual' in this world – my desires, wants, preferences, and any points of 'individuality' have all been from what I have accepted and allowed within my mind. When I slow down to investigate this it is clear to see that before making a decision or moving myself to participate in something, the first thing that I tend to do is to consult with myself within my mind – fishing back through my stored memories and ideas and fears, and then based on those internal calculations I respond accordingly. This is the behavior of a robot – the behavior of a program running it's scripted patterns.

I see that within my childhood certain events occurred which I defined as 'traumatic' though in considering the greater spectrum of what is happening in this world what I experienced as a child pales in comparison to the level of abuse and suffering that takes place in this world on a daily basis. Yet I allowed myself, as my mind, as my 'consciousness', to define those moments in my life as being traumatic for me – meaning that I allowed myself to imprint within myself emotional reactions and fears which I abdicated myself to – believing that those experiences were greater than me, that I had no control, that I was a 'victim' to those experiences. Here I began to script myself within my mind, and abdicate myself as life. Within having experienced events in my life that triggered emotional experiences within me that I did not understand and did not know how to effectively diffuse, those points simply remained with me, suppressed, and eventually became a part of my actual manifested being – wherein I have actually and literally become that which I suppressed and did not let go of.

Growing up, I trained myself to hold on to my emotional reactions and bottle them up. I trained myself to 'contain' my reactions and emotions within myself – thus suppressing myself and continuously trying to 'hold myself together' and present myself as though I was fine when in fact I was emotionally unstable within myself. While I would present myself well (I believed I presented myself well) in front of others and would get validation for what a 'good' and 'well behaved boy' I was, inside me there was extensive backchat in the form of judgment, resentment, hatred, anger, and anxiety.

I see that when one exists within this kind of suppression – where there is a secret world in which one keeps all of their unresolved points, emotional instabilities, and suppressed issues, one is not able to effectively live here in the practical – physical world. Meaning while I was trying to hold myself together and not let on to anyone else what was actually going on inside me, I was not present with my actual practical living and did not actually develop as a person but rather focused on my internal reality – existing in this world for survival but doing my actual 'living' as the experience of myself inside myself – inside the world I created within myself to protect myself from a world that I had judged and feared.

I noticed that other kids would be more confident in themselves – they would express themselves somehow more 'fully' – and particularly when it came to physical activities – I noticed that I was not as active as other kids. This lead me to reinforce the self definition that I am 'different' and that I am not 'normal' – that there is something 'off' about me which I didn't understand and did not know how to communicate to others because at the same time I was afraid of what others would think.

Growing up I would often move back and forth between Taiwan and the US – often in the middle of a school semester. In school I did not develop a point of directing myself within learning. I did not do my homework assignments and did not do well with paying attention – and I see that it was not a learning disability that prevented me from being an effective student – I see that I was not HERE with myself – and I was still busy within my internal world – holding myself together and trying to make sense of my experience of myself – and was simply not interested in what was going on in class. As I would move back and forth from Taiwan to the States I would miss out on blocks of schooling – and points such as math fundamentals and general school studies were neglected. I see how I allowed this to adversely affect my ability to keep up with school later on – as I seemed to be struggling with basic points and did not have a desire to do well because I had already accepted that I was just 'not a good student' and that I am just not 'smart enough' and never will be. I resented school for 'making me' feel inferior and stupid – I blamed school for my own self-judgment and thus sought to spite school by becoming rebellious in my own way – deciding that I did not need school and that school was not going to actually teach me anything useful – so here I separated myself from school and learning and blamed the school system instead of realizing that I was holding on to self limitations which had their root back during my early childhood.

Through the years I had simply kept on bottling up my issues within myself and had developed a personality/ego which allowed for me to keep these issues suppressed. I developed personalities to exist as, as a coping mechanism so that I did not have to face those points again and convinced myself that I was 'normal' just like 'everyone else' even though I knew within self honesty that I was not actually the person that I would present myself as.

What I am seeing now is that no matter what, the issues that I suppress and separate myself from will always be with me until I myself walk through them and prove to myself that I can stand – that those fears and anxieties are not in fact real – and are only chunks of unresolved emotional/thought charges which I have stored within myself as my physical body and never allowed myself to deal with – thus these patterns will continue to re-emerge within my life. And as long as I keep listening to my mind – to the ego/personality that I have created to protect myself from my past within fearing the past, I will only go deeper and deeper into suppression and diminishment.

Thus I will myself to support myself through writing, self-investigation, and corrective application to strip away the layers of my self created walls – and release myself of fears, anger, and unreleased charges that I have been carrying and holding on to and defining myself as through self-forgiveness and realize that I am in fact not my mind – that I do not require to make decisions out of fear and limitation. That I am able to direct myself in each moment and in each decision to ensure that I place myself in a position at all times that will accumulate to what is best for all instead of limiting myself within my own insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as stupid, defective, and incompetent instead of slowing down to investigate what I have been holding on to and what I have been afraid of facing which has prevented me from being here and developing myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being unworthy and stupid because of not doing well in school instead of slowing down and realizing that the issue is not that there is something wrong with me – and simply that I did not understand what was going on within myself and that I did not develop the ability to effectively process information and instead allowed fear, stress, and anxiety to override my self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously judge myself and give up on myself and accept myself as a failure instead of realizing that whatever it is that I would like to do or become, there is a way to become it if I apply myself effectively, which requires that I let go of my uncertainties and doubts and simply do what is necessary to be done to accumulate the desired outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within myself and believe that I am not in control of my life and that there is just something wrong with me that I cannot fix, which has been the excuse and justification that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in so that I do not in fact realize myself as life and change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my past and that my past defines me and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on fear of my past and anger/resentment of myself instead of making decisions within self-acceptance and self-honesty to ensure that I am actually working with myself and caring for myself instead of making decisions based on trying to 'hold myself together' and surviving as the personality/ego that I have created/constructed to protect me from my own suppressed issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become attached to the ego/personality that I have created as a defense mechanism to protect me from what I judged to be too big for me to handle instead of realizing that I am fully capable and ready to take on my past and release myself/forgive myself of my fears and limitation and that I do not in fact require to exist as a personality in order to 'get by' and 'keep myself together'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value within the ego/personality that I have created in order to hide myself behind and to believe that I AM this self-constructed ego/personality who's function is only to prevent myself from actually seeing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself and resist facing the moments in my life where I diminished myself and allowed myself to go into fear and self-doubt, and within this fear and resistance to face myself in self honesty and self acceptance to feed and maintain my ego/personality as a way to not reveal myself to others so that they do not see and find out about how I actually experience myself, because I do not want to actually see and experience myself in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from who I am as here, as life, as the simplicity and magnificence of what is here within and as the physical and to instead lose myself within the mind by participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions, and defining myself by my past as picture images and imprinted fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for the survival of myself as the ego/personality of Joe Kou which I have crafted and intentionally created to not have to take responsibility for myself and face myself and direct my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my preferences, likes, dislikes, opinions, beliefs, and experiences when in self honesty I see and understand clearly that these are no in fact real and genuine expressions of me as life, but are the programmed and designed functions of an ego that I have hidden myself behind – and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself and to manipulate myself and others in my world into accepting the ego/personality that I have been creating, maintaining, generating, and trying to 'hold together' as a shell to prevent myself and others from actually seeing me because I have judged and separated myself from me.

I stop. I walk this process not to hide anymore. I walk this process to birth myself here as the physical where there is no more fear or limitation within myself, so that I stand absolute as life without secrets or hidden agendas which render me untrustworthy and deceptive – which leads to deliberate abuse and manipulation out of self-interest/fear/survival.

I am here with myself and I cannot and will not abandon myself. I do not and will not give up on myself as life as that which I have always been, as that which as always been here but has been suppressed by what I have accepted and allowed myself participate within the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions which are based on energy and thus not sustainable or real and must continuously be fed in order to be maintained.

I will myself to take responsibility for my life and stop fearing what I have accepted and allowed within myself and realize that I am here no matter what and that no matter what happens I have self honesty and self forgiveness.

I see and I understand that I cannot keep hiding from myself and that the person that I have been trying to live as is not real and has only been a device that I have been using/abusing to hide myself behind instead of actually daring myself to live and express myself unconditionally.

I see and I understand that the stress and fear and anxiety are not who I am as life and are showing me that I am trying to be something that I am not in an effort to protect myself because I believe I am inferior or unable to face/accept/correct myself – thus the fear and anxiety reveal me to me as self honesty. Thus when I experience fear and anxiety I bring myself back to myself an allow myself to see and realize what I am participating in in that moment which brings up the experience of stress/fear/anxiety and I release myself from what I am trying to hold on to/protect myself from because there is nothing in fact to fear other than my own self-dishonesty – and even my self-dishonesty is not to be feared because it is simply me not accepting myself – not loving myself enough to make the effort to change and let go of my fears.

So yes I am facing conflict in my life and instead of running away and trying to use my ego/personality to protect myself from my own past and my own fears, I stand and will not allow myself to doubt myself or separate myself from what I have accepted and allowed. I realize and understand that it is never personal and that I simply require to forgive myself and re-educate myself instead of allowing fear and ignorance as justifications and limitation. I see and understand that we are all walking this same process and that it is not about guilt or shame or blame – because we are all in this together equal and one.

Here i do not blame or judge myself or my mind - but stand equal and direct the point as equal to myself - no judgment or condemnation. So I stop, I breathe, I support myself and let go of who I thought I was and I peel off layer by layer the walls I have placed around myself – and I embrace the self that I have been hiding as I continue to make myself whole again.

Self Forgiveness - Fear facing the past

2011-07-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I just get away from the people and the places where I have had bad or traumatic experiences, then I won't have to deal with them again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can manipulate myself into 'forgetting' about unresolved issues within myself by not paying any attention to them and simply suppressing them down until I do not notice them anymore or have found ways to cope that then become part of who I am to such a degree that I no longer can tell where the coping mechanism ends and where I as who I have become as the living expression of me begins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist having to walk through the moments within my life that I have defined as traumatic and stressful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing my past will be difficult and within this belief I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into a future scenario in which I am already experiencing tension and stress which I am already reacting to, which I am already impulsing into my world as my reality, which I will then have to walk into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as my ego, believing that I do not require to walk through and face my manifested consequences in real life because I have apparently seen the point and came to a realization and thus am 'better than' having to actually prove to myself that I have understood the realization and will live it in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist slowing down and humbling myself so that I can properly start over and get myself back up after falling on a point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the opinions and judgments of others instead of realizing that I am only projecting my own fears and judgments and reacting to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to and project onto others my own points of self-judgment and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist 'losing it all' within letting go of my comforts and self definitions and preferences, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my self-definitions, comforts, and preferences all that matter to me in this world instead of realizing that I am none of those things and that those things do not in fact define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that things are not 'fair' in this system and that I am a victim to the unfairness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame 'the system'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not correcting myself and pushing myself through self will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret and shame for what has already occurred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others gossiping about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to support myself and get myself through the challenges of my 'life'.

I forgive myself that Ih ave accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly want to win.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I am not winning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the polarity of winning and losing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate losing with being stupid and incompetent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within my mind as thoughts, pictures, opinions, and beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is too 'late' for me to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist letting to of what have in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can "have" and possess what is here as the moment.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that I will not be able to stand up and change the foundation and core of me as the design I have allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire stability/acceptance/love from others instead of being in self-stability, self-acceptance, and self-love.

I stop. I cannot change manifested consequences but I can stop partiipating and reacting when I notice myself faced with a pattern that is a manifested consequence of the person i have accepted and allowed myself to be.

I will myself to walk through my points of resistance and fear and I will myself to birth myself as HERE as LIFE and I understand that within this I must walk a process to unravel all tht which is not real and all that which does not in fact support me to be the best and highest potential of expression in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voice in my head which exists as self-talk/back-chat/secret mind thoughts which have no actual physical voice which I am able to stop in one moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear and limitation because of blaming the world and blaming my childhood and blaming those around me and thus victimizing myself through the years and not allowing myself to empower myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have allowed myself to disregard my self-honesty and self-integrity within fear of letting go of my limitations and self-beliefs.

I stop. I correct this by willing myself to face myself and push myself to be and become my fullest potential in this life, beginning with sorting out my fears of the past and unresolved issues that still keep me from trusting myself and accepting myself.

Instead of finding ways to move further away from the points in my life where I have unresolved issues and fears and judgments and blame and trauma, I will myself to stand and bring it all HERE and walk through it with self forgiveness and self-corrective application until I am satisfied that I will no longer be compromised or limit myself within that point again.

Money and Agreements

2011-07-08T00:50:00.001-07:00

A few points opened up from an assignment I was doing within the Desteni I Process course - which I will share here.

Within walking an agreement with a partner one of the most challenging points for me thus far has been related to money and points of self-definition that are related to money.

One evening me and my partner were on our way to a grocery store after a few rounds of bowling at a local bowling alley. After getting the groceries, my partner shared that she had some points in relation to me not saying “thank you”. The point was opened up further – and as the point was being discussed I allowed myself to take things personally instead of slowing down and realizing that she is simply sharing her back-chat and she is speaking out the point to support herself, and that none of what she is experiencing has anything to do with me even if it initially comes out as what I perceive to be blame or projection.

Within me I was having my own back chat within “What the fuck, she is blaming me – she is being righteous.” as well as going into an emotional reaction at that point due to unresolved issues within me that had been triggered in that moment. The issue was that she was experiencing herself as being taken advantage of and that I was not grateful for the point of her paying for things more than I do within our agreement, and within this I have points of guilt and issues of believing self to be inferior within self-judgment. In exploring this point further I realized that I have unresolved issues around money and that these must be cleared up.

Within me, I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as the 'male' within a relationship, am expected to be the point of financial stability and support, and have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not that point of financial stability or support, then I am not a 'man', and thus there is something 'wrong' with me that I should be ashamed of.

There is also some baggage that was not resolved within the relationship I have had with 'money' in my life. So I see the point of correction here would be to redefine who I am in relation to money in my world and to forgive myself of any points that have been unresolved in terms of money in my life and allow myself to change and work through this point.

It is vital that any points to do with money in terms of walking an agreement with a partner be cleared up and directed - as currently money is directly tied to survival and need - and when there exists anxiety and back-chat about money within the context of survival and need while walking in a partnership with another, the fears and anxieties related to not having money and therefore being vulnerable and exposed to the fear of not being able to survive or sustain self becomes a possessive entity that overrides clear communication and support - where one partner goes into fear of losing/wasting the money if they support the other, and the other fears not having the support where support is needed.

Self-Forgiveness on my ideas about money -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for working at a job that does not pay as well as my previous job, and to judge myself and participate in the thought of “I am not as worthy of a person now”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts of anxiety and stress within not having money for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts and stress in relation to having or not having money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be measured and rated based on the amount of money I have made and have in my account.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and participate in anxiety when I do not have any cash in my wallet and the money in the bank cannot be withdrawn.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally when my partner shares herself and expresses her points within money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself participate in fear and mistrust of others when I do not have money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow money to become an entity instead of money simply being practical tool within what is currently here as the system that must be worked with for the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I only 'deserve' to use money when it is money that I have earned myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money should determine how I feel about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate having money with having security and thus when I experience myself not having money, I experience insecurity, which causes me to experience myself as unstable and uncertain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the realization that money is simply a tool to be used within the current system and that the current design of money is not based on equality or common sense – thus to not take it personally if I do not have money at the moment and simply realize that I am still here – that I will do whatever is necessary to support myself for the moment until an equal money system is established in this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never having money again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and anxiety due to believing that my life is unstable and my survival is threatened within not having money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire money within believing that having money will make me feel better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire money within the starting point of wanting the ability to get what I want, when I want it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling and energetic experience of being able to buy whatever I want, whenever I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate buying something with the experience of 'feeling good', within the design of instant gratification associated with buying something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty within having participated within the thought of “I don't deserve this” when my partner pays for something on my behalf.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior and unworthy within walking my agreement with my partner but not being able to contribute equally in terms of finances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to script and limit myself within the self-belief of “I am not able to make more money”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself from making more money and having a more stable income within self-doubt and fear of money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of “I don't have enough money” as a reason/justification to not apply myself and push myself within establishing myself and my point of self-support within the matrix.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse/justification of “I don't have enough money” to garner sympathy and condolences from others as energy for me to feed on as limitation/abdication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother and the debts that I have not paid back and have not been able to pay back, and within this create a separation and friction around money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist approaching my partner within borrowing money and working with money in practical ways that support our walking together.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my partner resents me and does not want to walk with me and work with me financially until I get myself stable again.

I stop. Instead of going into points of inferiority or self judgment, or participating in fear or stress, I will support myself within living the practical realization that money does not control me, and that I will do whatever is necessary to be done to support myself. Instead of arguing or becoming resentful to/towards my partner, I push myself and apply myself to bring the points of frustration and judgment back to myself and stand within the commitment to not allow my mind to tell me how to experience myself within the point of money and walking with my partner when I do not have as much money to contribute.

I discussed the point further with my partner and we came to an understanding with each other – that the money is not to be given energy as value and that it is to be used practically within the context of what is here and not to be resentful of one another when it comes to spending the money. It is simply here to be used – and it does not matter who has more of it or who makes more income – we both contribute our time and effort to walk together effectively to become stable and effective beings who are able to take on this system and change the money system to one that does support all life.

At the moment we must function in a system that does not and was not meant to support life. The current system must generate abuse and exploitation – and it is not currently possible for all to have the same level of income or financial stability. Within this I see and understand that what I can do is simply breathe and apply myself moment to moment and to work with what is here. I allow myself to use the current system to the best of my ability within the principle and understanding that there is no support for life currently – thus I must support myself so that my partner is not taking on extra financial burdens that will lead to stress and conflict within our walking.

So at the moment we are both facing who we are within the point of money – and it is cool because I am pushing myself within the application of not feeding my reactions and emotions and clearing myself of such movements in me as we discuss these points – otherwise the discussion becomes an argument and we do not actually get to a point of mutual agreement or support.

Deconstructing my Male Ego Design - Part 1

2011-07-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

Here I am opening up the point of the male ego, and how I have participated in this design of being a "male".

Within the experience of being a "male ego", I see that I am consistently in points of judgment and self-sabotage, which then leads to a polarity manifestation of wanting to dominate and be in control due to otherwise being in a point of perceived inferiority.

Often what happens is that I will want to achieve something, but will go into fear and self-doubt about the point that I want to accomplish, and will then find ways to sabotage myself and create ways to blame my environment or the people around me so as to not have to face a point of "shame" - which is me holding on to my male ego pattern of never wanting to be seen as 'weak' or 'wrong', and wanting to always be a the winner and be seen as confident, competent, and 'worthy' - as though by being such qualities I am better than others and thus can justify feeling good about myself and participating in delusions of grandeur.

Within this design there is also the tendency to not want to hear when I make a mistake - I will want to argue or not face the point and sometimes will go into a lock-down where I shut myself off and do not want to communicate about a point due to not wanting to be judged as weak or 'wrong' - not wanting to potentially face myself due to the unwillingness to admit my 'faults'.

Another play-out of the male ego point is when I would go into a form of energetic possession in which I would experience a sudden 'rush' when I do accomplish something that I set out for myself to accomplish, or I will brush off the projects that I would start but never finish. This is obviously not sustainable or acceptable, as I would either give up entirely on a point without actually pushing myself and applying myself - or I would go into an energetic experience of "wow, I'm cool" or "Now people accept/validate me"

I at the moment I see that much of my male design behaviors are rooted in the point of not accepting myself and allowing society and the media to be and become my 'role models', where I took on that point of presenting myself as an acceptable male according to the idea and belief that the male must always be right - that the male must be in control and direct himself as such - otherwise it is a sign of weakness - this constant need to compete with other males can be seen within every institution in the world - and thus far there have been no winners in man's constant competition against himself and his fellows. Rather, we have manifested a world as men that is now at the brink of disaster and unimagined consequences, in which men have had the role of dominance without having effectively directed the responsibility that comes with such power.

It is time for men to let go of the male ego design. It is time for men to let go of competition and participating in fearing to appear 'weak' and 'inferior' when in fact it is REAL strength and courage to stand up and take responsibility for ourselves and our world, as well as to will ourselves to face all of the dimensions of self that we have kept secret and never ever wanted to know. A better world is ready to be born and it will have no place for the dishonesty and self-interest of the male.

Desteni USA - A taste of things to come

2011-06-25T08:03:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I attended the Desteni US meeting in Houston and met with fellow Destonians.

Destonians at the Desteni US meeting.

Hanging out with fellow Destonians was definitely a very cool experience in that we were very comfortable with each other. I noticed that during the entire stay there in Houston, packed into a house with people from across the country, there was never a single moment of conflict that I experienced. Points that came up would simply be discussed and the most practical solution would be implemented. All people were considered - all people were 'looked after' in the sense that nobody was left out from participation in anything that was going on. We all shared the house, made ourselves comfortable, and we each simply directed ourselves within the activities that we wanted to participate in. It was also cool eating and sharing food with everyone. Anytime I was hungry, there was ample food and everyone was always welcome to it. Nothing was ever 'off limits' and this applied not just to the food, but to everything in the house. There was no need to be anxious or reserved about using something or borrowing something - if a person required to use something, the person can simply use it. There was an unspoken understanding and agreement that all are welcome and equal - nobody got to have 'more' than another or claim the right to anything, but yet everyone was satiated - everyone was given all that they required - everyone was comfortable - and at no point did I experience any form of "lack" or "wanting".

For me, this was my first experience within 'communal living' where I did not have my own 'personal space' except for the tent that I would sleep in in the back yard. During the day my time was spent with the others, participating in conversations or doing my regular "desteni thing" on the laptop - which was cool also because we all kept to our normal participation - we kept blogging, vlogging, and checking on the forums and group chats and keeping up with our regular participation - we did not just isolate ourselves and go into a separate 'vacation' reality during that weekend.

What this experience shows me is that first of all, any opinion or judgment I have about another is absolutely worthless. It was cool to meet and actually speak with and hang out with people that I have built up ideas around - and to see all of those ideas collapse within the presence of this other being - because then as my ideas and opinions about them drop away, I am able to actually experience them and appreciate them as well as take responsibility for myself within the thoughts that I had accepted and allowed myself to participate in.

Overall what this experience has been for me is seeing actual living proof of the efficacy of those who support themselves and apply themselves within this process of self-forgiveness and self-honesty wherein one is then able to let go of the bullshit that keeps us from being able to co-exist in ways that support everyone instead of there being hidden stress, fears, and anxieties which can exist between people - especially people who live and work together.

So, if it is possible for small groups of people to come to a clear understanding and respect for each other and commit to living in a way that supports everyone, where all are able to direct themselves as well as assist and support each other within practical living considerations - then why can this model not be brought to a small community, or a city, or a state, or a nation, or the world? The issue is not that this cannot be done - the issue is not that we are doomed by our 'human nature' because those who walk the desteni i process see for ourselves that 'human nature' is a widely misunderstood and overly-accepted concept which does not actually describe the nature of the human. Within applying the tools of self-forgiveness and self-honesty along with self-corrective application, one is in fact able to break from our own pre-programmed tendencies and recreate ourselves. Thus 'human nature' is not a valid excuse - it is a justification accepted at a massive scale which has created a world in which individuals dismiss without actual understanding or consideration the possibility of radically changing the way we live so that all are able to exist here in dignity and honor and that we are in fact fully capable of designing a new 'human nature' that is no longer rooted in fear, survival, greed, or self-interest.

Thus I commit to walking my process and supporting those who stand for a new model of life - a way of existence in which we can actually enjoy ourselves and explore this reality without the unnecessary fears and conflicts that arise due to not having a practical understanding of how we function as human beings. More and more I see the power and potential of the Desteni I Process - just by looking at myself and the others who participate - it is not an exaggeration to say that this entire world CAN be changed. And so it will - because it is not about changing others or trying to save the world - it is to realize that we must first and foremost change ourselves, and support each other to do the same - and in this we we as one as the humans on this earth take responsibility for ourselves and correct ourselves, and align ourselves within a way of living that is best for all - thus changing the way the current world functions. If the world is the reflection of who we are collectively, then let us change ourselves so that what is best for all is the reflection that this world represents.

About me and Desteni

2011-06-18T20:23:00.001-07:00

About Me and How I found Desteni

I found desteni while searching for videos on the origins of humanity. At the time I was very into spirituality and conspiracy theories. I was convinced that I had a "special purpose" and that it was my task on earth to be part of 'change' and raising the 'consciousness level' of the planet lol.

I was just getting into exopolitics - the study of key individuals in terms of extra-terrestrials (aliens) influencing the development of humans - and was coming off of Michael Tsarion's research when I found a video from the History of Man series. I forget now which video I saw first - but after watching the first I was drawn to watch the rest of the series. From there, I realized that there was something about this 'portal' and the information that was coming through - the pieces started to 'click' together and I began to watch the portal videos that had to to with other subjects.

My first impression was skepticism and doubt. I had a lot of knowledge and information that i was holding on to. I believed that there was a 'plan' to this world - that all things MUST happen for a reason that somehow made sense - i wanted to believe everyone creates their own reality and thus all of the suffering in this world is just a matter of people not accepting themselves and were a result of 'negative energy'. i wanted to believe that i was able to transcend and become greater than myself - to become some master being and no longer have to exist 'here'. I had read the books in the "Conversations with God" series, the "Seth" books of Jane Roberts, and other spirituality/new age/new thought materials. I was also pretending to practice "Law of Attraction" to attract wealth and sex and fame into my life - i say "pretending" because it was clear from the beginning that none of it was in fact REAL. My life was not actually changing in any way and the only difference was how I decided to "feel" about my life and what I decided to believe in so that I could justify and reason and explain away all of the things I hated about myself and my life which I did not want to take self-responsibility for.

As I watched more of the videos and participated on the forums, I realized that EVERYTHING that i had believed in - everything that i ever trusted - everything that i ever thought was real - even the 'person' that i thought i was - was not REAL - was completely pre-programmed. It took me some time to settle into this realization. I had wanted to hold on to my specialness - i wanted to hold on to the beliefs and all of the convenient ways in which human beings justify this existence - because within such justifications we are able to hide and suppress our fears, anxieties, anger, and separation. But the more I participated - the more saw others participating and pushing themselves to let go of all of the things I was afraid to let go of - I came around as well.

For me, desteni and the message that it represents and stands as is the answer to a world that has been crying out a REAL solution. What I have come to see and realize is that nothing in this world can be trusted - and that we must take responsibility for that which we have accepted and allowed within ourselves - to actually stop and clear ourselves of our own delusions and dishonesty - and the more we support ourselves to let go of that which is NOT REAL - the more directly we see the world for what it is - and the clearer the actual solution becomes. I have since stopped walking the blind path of enlightenment and spirituality as well as chasing conspiracy theories or trying to 'expose' the coverups of this world - because I have realized that the actual solution is within each and every one of us - and what is required is for people to stand up - to will ourselves to change - to have the courage to LIVE self-honesty as an example. That is the process that I walk now - taking responsibility for what I have created within my ignorance - and willing myself to stop living as my mind - as my past - as my fears - as my dishonesty. This is a process - I will not become self-realized overnight - but each day that I face myself - each day that i say "NO", each time I get back up when I fall - I am more certain than before that I will walk this until the end.

Why I stand for an Equal Money System

The Equal Money System is a solution that comes from realizing within self-honesty that this world - as it currently exists - is governed entirely by MONEY. Due to our own fears and anxieties and the design of us as mind-consciousness systems playing our our pre-programmed roles for centuries - we have created a world of separation and abuse - where a handful of elite are lords and the masses are slaves. Within realizing that we are all one and equal - it becomes clear that this system of lords and slaves is unacceptable and that this abuse must stop. The current world is ruled by those with money - and money is given the power and authority to determine who lives, who dies, and what kind of life a person will be able to have - not based on who that person is, but based solely on his positioning within the economic scale of the world - which then dictates what this person has access to and what kinds of challenges this person will have to face while others who were born into more fortunate placements will be given and guaranteed a much higher quality of life and opportunity for expression and enjoyment.

The Equal Money System is the direct and clear answer and solution to a world in which people have stopped regarding each other as EQUALS - a world that has accepted centuries of separation and abuse - a world that has accepted exploitation and usury - a world that has condoned suffering and slavery. The Equal Money System directly takes on the problem of separation by insisting that ALL LIFE is deserving of DIGNITY and HONOR - that all beings in this world are to be given equal opportunity for expression without fear - without having to compete for that which is necessary for living.

Thus I stand for an Equal Money System - to forever STOP the separation and the abuse that has been allowed in the name of separation, fear, and the need to compete and abuse in order to survive at the expense of others who are equally deserving of life and dignity

What "Heaven on Earth" means to me

"Heaven on Earth" is the ACTUAL LIVING of what we each already 'understand' at some level - which is the principle that we are all One and Equal. Within the actual practical living of this realization we will have a world that will no longer tolerate any abuse or suffering - where the life expression of all beings are regarded as equally valuable - equally precious. We will have a world in which self-expression will be truly unconditional within consideration of what is best for all - where our expression as life will no longer in any way harm or cause abuse to another because we realize that we are all one - thus any harm or abuse allowed to another is allowed to self - and vice versa.

"Heaven on Earth" is the world that is possible through an Equal Money System - where we stop the abuse, suffering, inequality, and exploitation of billions of beings on this planet - which includes the animals and plants that exist here - where we will walk and look upon each other and see only ourselves - one and equal. that is the world that i want to live in - thus i walk until this is done.

Some of my favorite inspiring/influencial desteni vids-

10. "Equality Song" by Matti Freeman

9. Practicality of the Desteni Material Part 1

8. Self Forgiveness is the KEY to the UNIVERSE - Portal 1

7. Energy and Illusion Part 1 - Quantum Reality as we Experience it and Problems Caused

6. Self Moving and Mind-Initiated Movement

5. Regret - It's too late

4. Revenge of the Ego

3. Writing - Self-Directive vs Mind-Regurgitation

2 .QUICK, QUICK, QUICK! Get it done NOW!!!

1. Noooooo -- IT's TOO MUCH!!!

If you are ready to participate - join us at the FREE introductory forum at in http://desteni.co.za/intro-forum

Atheists - Your time to shine??

2011-05-21T00:52:00.000-07:00

Why do atheists seldom become world leaders?

We live in a world that is dominated primarily by fear and distrust. In such an environment, we seek protection and salvation – we seek answers to why the world is the way it is. We seek some justification for all of the suffering that is apparent before us. We seek some sense of justice in a world that is exploitative and cruel. Thus many turn to religion – to “God” - in whatever form that “God” may take, so long as this belief allows a person to continue justifying and excusing what is going on in the world – so long as this “God” takes care of everything so that we do not have to.

Have a look at the very design of “world leaders” and political figures in general. The whole idea is the same principle behind “God” - making somebody else responsible for our problems and blaming them when things are not going well.

In the actual world we live in, politicians are put into office not because they are the correct candidate for the task of representing what is best for all, but because people do not want to take responsibility for themselves, and are often voted into such positions by those with a compatible belief in God, whom they have also made responsible for sorting things out so that we do not have to, and dole out punishment to people who 'break the rules'.

We see the kind of world that is created where those we place into the offices of greatest responsibility are often those who believe in “God” or have a strong affiliation to a religious organization. Instead of our leaders and trusted representatives seeing this world for what it is and thus able to deal with practical and effective solutions, we have people with a belief that ultimately there is a “plan” to things and that “God” will sort everything out – as well as toss out the troublemakers and confine them to eternal damnation. This leads to very dangerous territory – as the official has already made a prior arrangement with “God” and when it gets to be his turn, he is guaranteed access to “heaven” and therefore does not have an actual stake or interest in what is going on HERE on earth, so long as the politician plays 'by the rules' – whether it is the rules of law or the rules of God, the politician is “covered” and does not have to actually answer to the ONLY RULE that is relevant to this reality - “WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL”

Atheists – it is time to stand up and let go of the debate over God. The world is facing major problems that do not require belief – simply have a look around and it is clear for anyone to see – that things are NOT working – and that there will NOT be some magical event where suddenly all of mankind is redeemed. Instead of spending energy and time on trying to prove something that is already clearly evident, why not take the next step and DO SOMETHING about this world, within the realization that there is no god and it is up to us in each moment to decide what we will accept or allow?

Will we continue to allow those with delusional beliefs that do not actually take this physical reality into consideration - that lead to self-interest be the same people who represent us – whom we trust to take care of us? Will we continue to allow a world where suffering is justified?

There are two solid solutions that I see to the issue of politics in general as well as the issue of people still holding on to the falsehood of religion and the concept of "God" in separation from what is HERE. The first is the Equal Money system - in which the starting point of politics would no longer be chained by private sect tor profits and manipulation. Within such a system there would be actual accountability and visibility because there would not be any fraud. The other solution is the Desteni I Process which explains in detail the design of the current human as well as gives deep and detailed feedback on how to assist ourselves and how to actually LIVE and stop existing within limitation so that we can stand up and make a real change.

Atheists – it is time to put your ability to see things for what they are to a greater purpose than debating people who are afraid of the dark. I dare you to investigate the Equal Money System and the Desteni I Process and I dare you to stand up and make a difference in a REAL way – and once and for all remove the idea from humanity requires some “God” before we simply do what is here and what is for all - within this, bringing Heaven HERE.

Change CAN happen in One Breath

2011-05-08T00:15:00.000-07:00

Here I am writing out the points that I am facing now in my world – having manifested consequences unfortunate consequences for myself which I now walk through, and looking at how I got to this point.

I am going to be moving – the agreement has ended and there will not be any further consideration of working things out between myself and the other to continue walking together. What has been revealed is the extent of my ego and self-interest – which has undermined by ability to be trusted – and thus I cannot walk equal with her in this moment as what i've accumulated so far.

Within this I see that because I did not push myself and correct myself when I saw the points where I required self-movement, I have been walking a very big time loop – and within this loop I have fallen – and now must face the manifested consequences of deliberate self-dishonesty and manipulation – which has resulted in the abuse of others and the abuse of trust given to me.

It is not acceptable that I stand with desteni when my own point of absolute dedication to self-honesty and accountability is in question – thus I now face who I am within no longer having support from this partner and being accountable for what I owe in terms of all that she has provided for me financially. I have, within ego and self-interest, abused the support and have taken advantage of her within not actually appreciating the opportunity that I had being here, with everything that I needed and with lindsay's unwavering support and dedication to self-honesty. Due to me not being willing to actually face the point of self-responsibility and pushing myself to support myself and apply self-corrective application, I allowed myself to become dependent and within this I allowed myself to rely on lindsay instead of walking equal within a process of two beings supporting each other equally within dedication.

This is the result of back-chat that was not directed and immediately corrected – back-chat that had been present within me before the agreement began – the back-chat of fearing to stand alone and support myself and actually be an example of process and self-change within self-honesty. I was too afraid to let go of my personality and ego – believing that I required my ability to manipulate connive in order to survive and not actually stand up.

I humble myself in this moment – and I allow myself to grieve for the lost potential of what could have been within walking equal with a partner – that path cannot be walked now due to accumulated manifest consequences that I must take responsibility for. She cannot walk with me – as the 'me' that I currently am, which cannot be trusted. I have gratitude for her example – and what she stands for. I am grateful for the acceleration of my process within so many points that have been revealed within the time that I have walked with her.

So I am facing a point of crumbling – and walking into uncertainty and also now having to 'restart' my process of establishing self as the authority and self-directive principle within self-honesty within what is best for all. Having not lived my self-forgiveness I now face the requirement of proving myself through actual applied living – standing in the thick of the storm AS my self-change and prove for myself that I am able to stand no matter what and that I am able to be accountable.

I am facing now the point of having to move out – I am unclear how this will unfold at the moment. I face the possibility of not being able to get another place right away, and possibly not being able to support myself financially– which is exactly the very rooted back-chat that has been my evil twin through this process – compromising myself constantly to this point of fearing to actually stand alone without support. So here it is.

I take this moment to reflect on my process – have I actually changed? My awareness has increased – but within this so has my self-manipulation – suppressing the points that I am revealing to myself within self-investigation instead of taking responsibility and stopping my fears and anxieties. I have applied self-forgiveness as a means to 'cope' – to in a moment release myself, but have not been consistent with following through and living as the self-forgiveness as Living Words that stand the test of time – as I find myself facing the same points over and over.

Have I actually changed? Some – and within this 'some' I may as well say I have changed none at all. It is NOT desteni or this process that is to blame for what I experience – blame is not to be found anywhere – not even with myself – blame is the accusation of a point within separation from all there is . Rather than blame, I accept and embrace my responsibility. Within participating with desteni I have been given a gift more precious than anything in existence – the ability and support to stand up for life – to have the awareness of self to be able to see my own enslavement and to be given the tools to my own salvation. This is a once in an existence opportunity.

I can say that what has changed is my awareness of what is going on and how I am manifesting my life – and how important it is to actually have the courage to LIVE self-change within self-honesty and standing up as life – not allowing limitation or ego, and within all things to do what is best for all.

I reflect on bernard's feedback to a letter I wrote – where he said:

“Accountability Is the process of self correction where you forgive yourself
and you stop with the dishonesties. Thus you breathe effectively and focus
on the things that make you in this world a better being while you take on
the system to make it what is best for all. In this, you have only one
opportunity of exposure, where you stand and take responsibility. If you
fall, you have no longer that approach to use --and one must then walk
silently and focussed to show accountability through actual change.
You must decide how to approach., because forgiveness one can never get.
Self forgiveness is but the starting point from which one recreate yourself
into self awareness and responsibility as life.”

Accountability is the process of self-correction indeed – to actually forgive myself and realize that I do NOT have to keep living this pattern. That I do NOT have to exist this way, to experience myself this way, and to DARE myself to prove it. Within this it is to live within and as the courage to stand as self-honesty no matter what – to always find a way to stand within what is best for all. To focus on each breath that I take and ensure that I am expanding where I am effective – to push myself within the points that make me a better being in this world – a being that can be trusted with life – a being that is self-willed as I take on the greater system and stand with those who do the same.

So, it is time for me to 'man up' – to take responsibility for myself – for the life I am living – for what I am accepting and allowing within myself as thoughts, feelings, and emotions which are of self-interest and abuse – to STOP.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself due to having made similar commitments and statements before and not having lived them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of my back-chat as that which I have defined myself by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that change cannot happen instantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping is a 'process' and within this to allow myself to 'take my time' within changing and asserting self as the authority of all that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot redeem myself and live my self forgiveness for myself and move as my expression of that self-forgiveness unconditionally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek redemption and forgiveness from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear and self-denial of the power of self to change and to commit to changing – within standing back up after each and every fall no matter what until I stop falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'slowing down' means to physically slow down to a point of not even directing what is necessary to be directed – and within this I allow myself to see that 'slowing down' actually allows me to assess the point in greater detail in a much faster way and that I am able to move myself quite quickly and effectively within this point of directiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on that which diminishes me - as the fears and excuses of my ego/mind/personality/self-interest instead of focusing on that which allows me to expand and accumulate that which is best for all as my living expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as my self-expression within self-judgment and self-limitation.

I STOP. I push myself and move myself as self-expression and self-joy within the expression of self-honesty as who I am and I will not allow myself to compromise my self-honesty.

I move myself to speak, write, and express simply what is here and what I stand for and I STOP stifling myself within self-purpetuated fear.

When I see or notice myself in a point of fear or holding myself back, I STOP and I assess the situation within what is best for all, and then I live as courage, as self-movement, as self-trust, to express myself without holding back or manipulating or compromising.

Can I change in one moment? Can I stand up and not fall again? Absolutely. Within having the realization and making the firm commitment, and then physically living that commitment as self-expression unconditionally, I will myself to change in one moment and forever let go of the past within applied self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my past and by my failures instead of pushing myself to stop and find a way to assert myself as LIFE as self-honesty within what is best for all.

I align myself to what is best for all. I stand within the principle of doing what is best for all in the best way that I can in each moment as I push myself and expand myself and express myself within self-honesty and take responsibility. Within self-honesty and embracing responsibility I give myself the authority and power to stop my limitations and fears and anxieties and resistances and I WILL myself to stand here as self-will.

I hold myself accountable and I take responsibility within changing myself and adjusting myself and aligning myself to stand no matter what. I will assist myself with the tools of writing, applying self-forgiveness, speaking points out loud within sound in the physical, moving myself and pushing myself – ensuring that I am respecting myself as life and not compromising myself by allowing the mind to make decisions for me as life.

I commit to walking this process no matter what – and I stand by these words. The commitment I make to myself as life is to continue my process and to never give up on myself – and to never accept 'failure' and 'falling' as myself – but to see them as opportunities to gauge my strengths and see where I require to push myself further.

Instead of being in fear of a point I will support myself within writing and speaking the point out and seeing what is the best for all solution within it, and stand by that, and push myself to live that.

I have this one life – I shall not waste it. I shall leave this earth a better place than it is now, that any who come will not have to face this atrocity. I insist that this madness end within my lifetime – I will do whatever it takes to see to this, starting with sorting myself out and building my foundation. I do not allow this 'fall' to define me.

I am grateful for the tools of the Desteni I Process – even in my seemingly darkest hours, I am never 'alone' – I am never left without a solution or a light at the end of the tunnel. I am never without the ability to forgive myself and support myself to stop my mind and actually become a stronger individual. I am never without the ability to change myself and take responsibility within my world – and that is the most precious and valuable thing in this world that I have ever known – the ability to realize ourselves and set ourselves free.

I thank those who walk – those who stand – those who have made the commitment to never give up on themselves and to insist that change is possible – and to live as the example of that. I thank those who continue to walk this process through hell and back as we face the deepest corners of ourselves and take responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed within ourselves. Such people are my greatest inspiration – and I will myself to stand with them no matter what. I take a breath, I forgive myself, I walk until this is done.

Hey - anybody looking for a room-mate?

Great Change Is Only Possible TOGETHER

2011-04-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at work I found myself in a situation where I required to get some very large items moved from one place to another, and it was clear that I was not going to be able to do it by myself - yet I was tasked with getting this particular project done, so I had to find a way. The solution was clear - get some help!

I realized how simple and effective it is to simply WORK TOGETHER.But why is this a realization instead of being plain and simple common sense?

The points that came up within me had to do with the fact that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within competition and desire to achieve as an individual instead of being humble with my abilities and setting aside my ego in order to get done what requires to be done. So in that moment of seeing that I was not capable of moving all of the large, heavy items to where they needed to be, and that this was a task that was time-sensitive and required to be done so that other projects can continue, I had to face myself within the point of fearing that by asking for help, fearing others would see me or judge me as ineffective or incompetent, fearing that others would lose respect for me as a worker if i had to ask for assistance on a task that I was assigned, fear of disappointing my superiors who trusted the task to me, fear that I would not be given as much work in the future or that I would be excluded from consideration of further responsibilities, and fearing that others would judge me as weak - both in terms of physical strength as well as general competency in regards to completing tasks - all of which come from the mind/ego - the ghost in my head that speaks to me and informs me of who I am supposed to be in order to continue existing as a mind-consciousness-system instead of being the directive principle of myself and determining for myself what I will accept and allow and what I will participate in. This is the separation that exists within myself which allows for self-defeating back-chat as ego - not wanting to appear 'weak' to others so that I can continue to compete - instead of realizing that the most practical solution and what is best for all is to drop the ego and simply work with what is here in a way that considers everyone equally - thus competition becomes irrelevant - and counter productive to achieving the result of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist asking for help because I want to be seen as effective by others at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my physical strength and stature in comparison to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compete and be seen as strong and competent at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the definition of a 'male' and that within such a definition I must be strong and able to take on anything by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having people judge me for being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider trying to get things done on my own, my own way, instead of facing my own point of shame and embarrassment within judging myself for not being the definition of a 'male' as portrayed within society and media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I ask for help and assistance then I am weak and should not be considered worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am in competition with others and that others must not see me as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that asking for help and assistance are indications of weakness instead of it simply being one person asking for help and assistance from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to complete the project alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to unrealistic standards of what I think a male is supposed to be or act like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought of getting it done by myself so as not to have others come to help me despite knowing that I am not able to complete the task on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my manager would judge me for not finishing a task that he assigned to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my ego and as a person who 'does not ask for help', which is really just to keep me limited within my self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within self-interest and fear of facing myself within humbleness, compromise myself by resisting to use the course of action that is best for all so that I may remain in my own point of personal achievement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I as the person "Joe Kou" am special and deserve special consideration that supersedes that which is best for all, and within this i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting help and making sure my task is completed due to not wanting to humble myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to protect myself from the judgment of others when in fact it is always Self-Judgment.

I STOP. I am not here to participate within limitations and fears. I am here to sort out the mess of this
existence and it begins with sorting out the mess within myself. I stand HERE as the directive principle of me and I will myself to make my decisions based on what is BEST FOR ALL.

I will myself and insist that when I notice myself in such points of not wanting to humble myself and desiring to present an image of effectiveness when in fact I am not, within self honesty, capable of doing something without support - bring myself back HERE and ask myself the question "Is this best for all?" and "Am I being the example I wish others will follow?" And I will direct myself accordingly instead of giving energy to thoughts within back-chat and ego.

This led me to investigating the bigger picture of reality - how we are so separated and in general uncooperative amongst each other as human beings who must coexist on this planet along with the ecosystems, the animals, the plants, the insects, the bacteria, the atmosphere, etc. Humanity has separated itself into billions of 'individuals' with individual needs, wants, egos, desires; which for the most part will vary from one individual to another - yet the vast majority of those wants, needs, and desires have nothing at all to do with practical reality and are based only on the idea of the 'individual' who must strive to get the things they want because everyone else is apparently doing the same. Instead of cooperation and naturally seeking ways to do things more effectively as a group, we are trained to do things at the expense of others so that we can attain our own sense of self-satisfaction, competing with each other and only cooperating when we personally have something to gain from that cooperation, or if failure to cooperate undermines our standing and status among others.

In looking at the way in which the guys who came to my assistance worked together as a single unit, I saw how much more effective all things would be if all people were able to unconditionally cooperate, and indeed how limiting and backwards it is to constantly be focused on individual achievement or competition against others when ALL could benefit so much more from cooperation. A task that would have not been possible for any of us to achieve alone was accomplished in a matter of minutes - with minimal strain - and all were got the benefit of having the task done and other projects being able to move forward in a speedy manner. When we stop competing, when we stop trying to be the best, and realize it is not just about our own victories and accomplishments and our own sense of self-satisfaction, we are able to achieve and realize far greater rewards - rewards that extend beyond the mind's concept of 'self' and ripples out into existence.

Imagine a world in which all people saw each other as equals and all participated within unconditional cooperation in order to do things that would not be possible otherwise - imagine what great accomplishments we could all achieve together when we no longer have competition, abuse, separation, superiority, inferiority, fear, and distrust between each other as equal co-creators of this world in partnership with all that is here.

It is up to us to stop the fear and separation and ego within ourselves so that we can stand equal to all who are here and to move together, as one, placing our individual skills and abilities to their greatest utility in realizing a world that is best for all.

BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY

Thus I stand for, support, and apply for myself the Desteni "I" Process, through which we are able to give ourselves the tools, the education, and the support of an entire community of Destonians to forever change ourselves and to dare to stand up in this world and say "Heaven on Earth is not a dream - I insist that it becomes real and I will not stop until all are equally free and equally supported, and I stand as an example of that change."

Through the Desteni "I" Process we change the world - beginning with the world within ourselves, as well as provide ourselves with an opportunity to make an income by living and demonstrating the tools offered in the Desteni "I" Process, thus freeing ourselves from limitations as well as financial burden. Begin your process by visiting the links for more information on how it all works - and contact me when you are ready to begin freeing yourself as well as learning how to support others as well, or if you have any questions about the Desteni "I" Process. Let's walk together into a better world.

What is it like to wake up in an Equal Money System? TAG you re it!

2011-04-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

Deconstructing My Design of Self-Defeat and "Giving Up"

2011-04-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

Cutting the strings of my enslavement.

Here I am having a look at my specific design of giving up and self-defeat, wherein I will find ways to sabotage myself and keep myself limited, and then project anger and resentment out into the world while feeding my own point of inFEARiority.

This has been one of my 'core' points - this is something that I have been accumulating within myself for many years. Though the fascinating thing is that when I look back far enough I can recall when I was very very small - I was quite confident and comfortable with myself - but eventually developed with accumulation points of self-doubt, self-judgment, self-defeat, which eventually became ingrained in me to such a degree that I have identified myself as a person who simply cannot seem to 'get things done' and consistently wants to find ways to not have to deal with points that need direction, fearing to make mistakes and existing within constant back-chat of inferiority and uncertainty.

As the events in my life unfolded, I allowed myself to be influenced more and more by the thought and belief that I am not 'competent', and I am 'behind everyone else', that 'I am inferior' - which would invariably lead to me creating EXACTLY the result of me not being competent, being behind others, and experiencing myself as inferior in comparison to others around my age, counting their achievements and accomplishments in one hand while counting my failures and disappointments in the other.

Eventually I got to a point where I would go into instant fear and resistance whenever I experienced myself in a situation that I have not prepared myself for - where there is a higher than normal possibility that I might do something wrong - and within that pressing fear I would retreat into my mind and participate in thoughts of "I cannot do this", "This is not for me", "I'm going to mess up", etc. etc. - which then gets validated by me not being HERE, not slowing myself down, not allowing myself to be humble and patient with myself within self-awareness to catch myself in such thoughts and to stop such thoughts.

In having participated in this design of myself for so long, it has become an 'automated' point - meaning I have allowed it within me so many times in my life that I have simply integrated it and programmed it into myself - and the point is able to move on it's own if I am not HERE to direct and STOP the point. Many times when considering a change in my life, taking on a new project, or sometimes when I wake up but remain laying in bed - the thoughts will flood in and I will seem to 'automatically' first hone in on thoughts of negativity and self-diminishment such as "I am a failure", "I didn't do what I wanted to get done the other day, I am fucking up" - and from there I begin the process of sabotaging myself in what I am doing - accepting myself as limited, as a 'failure', and thus not completely participating in what I'm doing because I am already preparing for the 'failure' and thus see no point in putting in my full effort - which then allows me to justify actually giving up, as the back-door is left open by the thought "I am a failure, I cannot do this, I will probably fuck it up anyway".

Now in facing this design and re-programing myself to align myself to what is best for all I see that this simply is not acceptable and if I continue to participate and allow this designed self, I will only continue to diminish, which is me accepting the very same diminishment within everyone. Thus I must stop existing within this design and prove to myself that I am the directive principle ALWAYS, and that I will not compromise myself or allow myself to be directed by that which only serves diminishment and limitation.

The steps I am taking now is to train myself in each moment that I catch myself participating in thoughts of self-diminishment or sabotage, immediately stop and ask myself the question "What am I accumulating here?" and bring myself back HERE and instead of allowing the diminishing thoughts, program myself and move myself within who I would be if I never allowed myself to give up again - and I train myself to see that through consistently applying myself, stopping the thoughts, and insisting that i not give up or judge myself and instead find ways to grow and expand and LEARN from my mistakes within humbleness and patience, I will guarantee my change, as I stop the pattern as myself and build a new design - a 'new self' that is able to stand and become an effective being, and realize my full potential in this life.

So stopping the thoughts, writing out the points that I experience self-judgment and self-diminishment about, forgiving myself, and applying myself within patience to turn self-diminishment into self-expansion in all ways.

For more information on the self-honesty process and how to effectively utilize the tools of self-writing, self-forgiveness, and self-honest investigation - check out http://desteniiprocess.com, where you will find resources and a large and highly active community of people standing up for LIFE and taking responsibility and authority in their world.

I Give Up on Giving Up!

2011-04-04T02:03:00.000-07:00

"Never never never give up" - Winston Churchill

At the moment I am experiencing a lot of mind-demon possession – where the points of back-chat that I have participated in for many years are now becoming prominent and manifest – and I am finding myself becoming all of the things that I have feared – becoming all of the things that I did not want to face and had suppressed within myself.

I have designed myself to be a very manipulative and deceptive person – and have honed my ability to abuse knowledge and information in order to influence others as well as to convince others into accepting me or giving me what I want. And while I have seen this point as well as identified aspects of it within my participation in this process and saw how I was still manipulating myself and deceiving myself as well as others, I did not actually apply myself in stopping, which has resulted in abuse and deliberate manipulation, which is unacceptable.

So it is obvious that I must make a decision and fucking stick to it – because I have made similar decisions – I have made similar commitments in the past – only to have fallen back on the point of undermining my self-will and allowing my back-chat to determine who I am and how I remain instead of actually directing myself within self-honesty and living the self-forgiveness.

It is not acceptable to have the tools to support myself and STOP the points that come up time and time again and not actually apply myself – to actually allow myself to remain limited when in fact I am aware of what I am doing, aware that I am allowing myself to diminish myself as life – deliberately harming myself and others by not taking responsibility and standing within self-honesty in each moment due to allowing my own fears to dominate me, allowing my own self-interest and immaturity to override directive principle.

In the end it all comes down to FEAR – because it is only within fear that back-doors exist. It is only within fear that I allow myself to remain limited and actually stand up and take responsibility – and this fear is the fear of losing my 'self' as what I have defined myself to be within and as my mental experience – my memories and self-definitions based on accumulated knowledge and information which is not and never will be REAL and will never actually be of substance of it's own.

The self that I have designed myself to be thus far is not acceptable and will only abuse life if allowed to continue – thus I must stop fucking around in this process and actually take responsibility for the harm that is done through me accepting abuse within myself and thus participating within abusing others in my dishonesty.

Within this the task is to completely redesign myself – completely change every aspect of myself so that all that I do accumulates to what is best for all – that all that I do comes from a starting point of self-honesty in consideration of oneness and equality – as any decision based on self-interest, based on my own private back-chat, is unacceptable.

It is unfortunate that I have diminished myself and compromised myself extensively– but within this I must humble myself and realize that there is no escaping what one deliberately participates in – this is not just about me and my existence within my own bubble – this is about LIFE and there is no room for fucking around. Thus I accept and embrace my responsibility and commit to never giving up, never allowing myself to succumb to the mind within walking away from this process. I commit to not allowing myself to stew within points for weeks, months, years without effectively directing myself – as that is simply not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously not direct myself when I see points that are not acceptable within my participation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually apply myself within this process within full dedication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not actually live my self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself within standing as the directive principle of my being, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who are walking this process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take for granted all who walk this process diligently and consistently without considering the fact that when I am not equally participating and applying myself I am in fact becoming a liability and misrepresentation to what desteni actually stands for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my responsibility to change myself and stop my mind within self-interest and ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my ego and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within trying to assist others within separation and using knowledge and information instead of actually applying myself consistently and standing as my own point of authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a point of clarity/understanding of what it is to walk this process when in fact I have not personally fully dedicated myself to walking this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound points of self-dishonesty and self-abuse due to fear and resistance of actually facing who I am and what I have accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to write self-forgiveness that was not actual forgiveness of self as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within humbleness and instead to project myself within ego and wanting validation as energy to satisfy a personality that was not self-content.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the simplicity of breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking my process starting over and letting go of all that I think I have accomplished within the realization that my standing has not been self-honest and thus cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist 'starting over', and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a point of ego and self-definition of 'I should be further along than this'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within hiding behind knowledge and information as well as ego and self-interest in spite of understanding my responsibility.

What I see I require to accumulate is the point of self-direction and no longer allowing myself to participate in the mind in relation to thoughts of self-judgment and wanting to give up, and remaining self-honest and humble so that I do not abuse or manipulate in order to be something that I am not.

I take responsibility for the self that I have designed thus far and within this I commit myself to walking my process in humility – so that I am able to sort myself out and make certain that my accumulation is what is best for all by walking one step and one breath at a time to stabilize myself and re-establish self-trust.

I walk. I WILL myself to never ever give up or allow myself to remain within my points of self-sabotage and doubt. I will never give up on myself no matter what. I am not my mind. I am not my fears. I am not limitation. I WILL myself to birth myself HERE within and as the physical and I will keep standing back up if I fall until this is done.

I WILL myself to accumulate what is best for all in each decision that I make and re-align myself when/if i deviate into self-interest/fear.

I WILL myself to change FOREVER.

Letting Go of Relationships and Forgiving the Past

2011-03-29T16:07:00.001-07:00

Simplicity, Working with the Physical, and Learning the Language of HERE

2011-03-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

I have taken on a new task at my work where each week, I work two shifts as part of the 'freight team', which is responsible for unloading trucks of merchandise, processing the merchandise, and getting the merchandise out onto the sales floor in the right departments before a certain time and is a very physical job of moving things around constantly - which as been quite cool in terms of me seeing who i am within working with the physical - whereas my jobs have been very much customer service based, where i am dealing with people and interactions between customers and employees and not as much physical participation in terms of utilizing my actual physical body.

Within doing a very physically oriented job I am seeing the practicality of working with what is here - physically interacting with my reality and getting things done - not having any 'time' to be in my mind, in thoughts, in alternate realities - and it is cool to observe myself when i do go off on a trip in my mind instead of being aware of what I am doing - and simply bringing myself back here, breathing, and continuing with participating with the tasks that must be done. So in seeing that this is indeed possible, I will push myself more within this to not only experience this directness at work, but as myself - a directive point of working practically with the physical, I see I am able to integrate for myself.

I see that I have defined myself as a person who does not work well with physical activities - and this is a definition that I am now breaking down as I am moving myself and actually enjoying my freight days at work - exploring my human physical body, training myself to move with it, to remain aware of breath, and to not over-exert myself within physical work - which is quite easy to slip into when I am not here, not fully aware/participating in what is here, but rather in my mind and not paying attention to the strains of the physical body while working.

Also interesting is how I experience myself sometimes in an awkwardness physically - and realizing that I have not actually gotten to know my physical expression and have not programmed/trained myself to utilize and move this body beyond the simple things - that i have existed primarily within my mind not fully participating with what is actually here- and now I am beginning to learn - as if for the 'first time' how to move/interact/solve problems more effectively. Like learning a new 'language' - the language of the physical within practical common sense.

It is interesting seeing just how much I have separated myself from my body, from what is HERE - as the actual physical reality - to such a degree that I am able to take it for granted and wander off into my mind, and exist in my mind sometimes for days with intermittent moments of awareness - not actually seeing what I am doing - which can be said about humanity in general at this moment - being lost within our own minds and not actually seeing directly what we are doing to ourselves, to each other, to all of life.

So, I say let us all get back to the physical - work with the physical - not meaning that we should all just do manual labor jobs - but to take into consideration all of the beings on this planet that are held hostage due to the extent of us existing within our minds, believing our existence to be 'justified' when more than half the human population lives in poverty and countless animals and plants are being disregarded completely. If you were to have that insight - that moment or realization.

Let us all get HERE to the physical, participate with and as this one planet that we share, and actually get to know each other as ourselves as one as equal - as physical and unconditional expressions of life instead of existing as our 'lives' as set forth by the mind.- and we can have some real fun then. But until that materializes, we are all equally responsible for what mess we've made, and must familiarize ourselves again with the language of the physical and stop chattering away the gibberish of the mind.

Emotional Baggage - Leaving it Behind

2011-03-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

I have been facing a compounded and suppressed point for a while now and it is gotten to a point where I must direct this situation or will have to face manifested consequences that are quite abusive and not cool to have to manifest if I am able to take responsibility for it here and now.
I have been holding on to wanting to re-establish a relationship/agreement with my previous partner – wanting to 'prove' myself and be redeemed through her validation/acceptance – and within this I am holding my former partner hostage within a picture idea of who I think she is and what it would mean for me if she would be my partner again – holding on to the memories and experiences of the 'good times' within the relationship that we had – holding on to the feeling of acceptance and validation that I had placed outside of myself and separated myself from.

Now that I am walking in an agreement with another – this suppressed point is becoming more and more prominent and it is now clear that I must direct myself and expose this back-chat for what it is, and no longer allow for myself to be directed by the mind as memories of the past or secret mind judgments and spitefulness within disregarding what is here as life and disregarding the commitment that I am walking now. I cannot in fact walk a full commitment to this agreement when I am still having back-door thoughts about my previous partner.

It is not acceptable for me to say that 'I commit' to something and not actually fully commit – which is what I have done thus far – I have been walking my current agreement only partially – in that my starting-point was not absolutely crystal clear – and in fact I was still manipulating and deceiving in order for me to have an agreement so that I can 'prove' myself again – so that I can 'redeem' myself within separation – thinking that there is something outside myself that I require to 'redeem' me. Within this the agreement has not been of mutual support, mutual expansion – it has been out of my own self-interest within believing that being in an agreement will allow me to redeem myself – which is actually just a cover/excuse for me to not be self-honest with the fact that I am afraid to stand on my own – afraid of facing myself and taking responsibility on my own, and want somebody here with me to support me – but it would not be actual support within what is best for all and it would not be me actually pushing myself or directing myself – but rather wanting for the other to push me and be responsible for me because I do not accept myself and do not direct myself.

The desire to 'prove' myself and 'redeem' myself stems from how my previous relationship ended – where it had become clear that I was holding on to a picture/idea of my partner as the 'ideal partner' that I would like to have and be with which validated and fed my personality/ego – and that I was disregarding who she actually is and the process that she is walking – holding on to the energy of the relationship. This compounded to where she directed the point by ending our agreement/relationship. This left me to have to face myself within myself and no longer having a point within the agreement to 'correct' myself with/through her – and this is where I went into depression and had my experience of 'falling' – where I realized that I had manipulated and compromised myself and deliberately was deceptive to her in order to have a relationship – and within this I generated a lot of guilt and feeling like I had done something terrible – which is yet again another layer of self-manipulation – where instead of realizing simply “Hey, that was a fuck-up. Don't do that again.” and investigating the time-line to uncover what I was accepting within myself to have created such a play-out, I went into “Oh fuck, I fucked up so badly there, I am not worthy of life, I am a piece of shit, I do not deserve to walk this process....” which is how I allowed myself to continue existing within my mind as self-limitation and self-sabotage, where I then separate myself from self-forgiveness and self-responsibility, and instead seek validation/acceptance/forgiveness from my previous partner – making HER responsible for how I experience myself and what I allow within myself. I became possessed by the thought/desire of being accepted and forgiven by her for the 'terrible thing' that I had done – which was all a show for me to not get to the actual point – that I did not accept myself – that I did not know self-intimacy – and when I experienced acceptance and intimacy through the relationship I had with her, I latched onto it believing that it was only through that relationship that I could come to accept myself.

So within holding this point of wanting to prove myself in order to be acceptable to her again, I have consistently been in a point of competition with her – wanting to be better than or at least equal to her so that I can redeem myself – and the more I have allowed this point within me the more spiteful the thoughts have become – actually becoming jealous and envious of her – watching her continue her process and pushing herself and expanding herself and within this polarity, I judge myself and experience myself as diminishing and regressing – which I have been, due to holding on to all of this and not directing myself within it – thus actually diminishing myself and allowing this point to consume me instead of embracing these points, breathing, and working through them.

Within entering the agreement that I am walking now, I brought all of this baggage with me, and my starting-point was tainted by self-interest within wanting to redeem myself and wanting another to accept/validate me. All of the unresolved points that I had not cleared up within my previous agreement have now compounded and have accumulated within suppression – and now has become an entity that must be released – because at the moment my agreement is not based on what is HERE with me and my partner as we walk together, but me and my partner and all of the unresolved points within myself that are now part of our agreement because I carrying/holding onto these points, where I find myself participating in thoughts of being with my previous partner instead of walking fully here in my agreement, going into memories of 'good times' with my previous partner, wanting to experience myself as I had with my previous partner and believing that I am only able to enjoy myself with her, and holding the point of wanting to be forgiven and redeemed instead of actually facing myself and correcting myself.

I take responsibility. I am self-responsible for these points and I do not accept these points to continue directing me. I walk my commitment fully and I close this back-door. I release myself as well as my previous partner from the past as memories and ideas and I embrace what is HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that things will be better or easier if I was walking with my former partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my previous partner has forever disregarded me and judged me as 'not worthy' when in fact I am the one who has disregarded myself and judged myself as 'not worthy' in order to not actually face myself within self-responsibility, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto my previous partner my own self-hatred and self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an idea/belief about my previous partner instead of embracing what is here as who she is as one as equal to and as myself – within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach and associate memories and thoughts upon the actual being of my previous partner instead of being here and embracing her expression unconditionally without comparing or wishing or projecting my own points onto her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that she will not enter an agreement with anyone else so that there can be a 'hope' or 'chance' that I might be able to relive the relationship that I had before

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'threatened' by other males who I judge as 'more effective' within fearing that they may enter an agreement with my previous partner, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite those who I see push themselves and direct themselves effectively out of my own point of self-interest and self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stifle myself within wanting to redeem myself and prove myself instead of accepting myself and developing my self-intimacy and self-agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in comparing my previous partner to the partner that I actually walk with, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish that my partner could be more like my previous partner so that I could play-out my point of getting 'redemption'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally enjoy my partner within holding on to back-chat points in relation to my previous partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek redemption and acceptance from others outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my current partner against my former partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to enjoy myself unless I am with my former partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my current partner will not appreciate/enjoy my sense humor or expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed polarity based memories and experiences in which my previous partner is seen as 'stable' and 'applying' and 'expanding'. and then comparing my current partner becoming an energetic 'low' feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to memories and experiences of the past within believing them to be special, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my actual experience of self and not actually face who I was in complete self-honesty within looking at my relationship with my previous partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition and program myself through guilt and emotional reactions of fear and resentment around the ending of my relationship with my previous partner.
I ALLOW myself to live the realization that my previous relationship was nothing special – I expanded myself in certain areas within it and I diminished myself in others. Who I am now has been influenced by that experience, but I determine in each breath who I am from this point forward and I determine whether or not I will continue to allow myself to be influenced by points that diminish me. I determine in each breather whether I accumulate the points that expand who and what I am within self-realization.
I have no regrets over my relationship with my previous partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within shame and self-judgment for manipulating and compromising my self-trust and self-honesty within that relationship and within this I take responsibility within awareness to stop participating in the same cycles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally sabotage myself within my agreement within holding on to blame and projecting my own points of limitation onto my partner and blaming the agreement for me not expanding myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally not push myself and instead retreat back into compromising myself and wanting to 'go back' and 'fix' the past.

I unconditionally forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation/acceptance/redemption from my previous partner and I release myself, my previous partner, and my partner now from thoughts of comparison based on foggy memories taken out of context in order to justify my own point of not accepting myself and taking responsibility for myself.

I see my previous partner pushing herself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite her expansion instead of appreciating her unconditionally. If/when she enters an agreement with another, I do not allow that to move me, I do not allow myself to judge myself, judge her, judge the partner she walks with.

There are few who walk and are willing to dedicate their lives to this process, and I will not allow my ego and self-interest or my self-limitations to limit me from supporting equally all who stand and push themselves. I will not allow myself to bring personal baggage and unresolved points into my relationships. I will not allow personality to be in the way of walking one and equal in full support of those who walk within the principle of what is best for all. It is petty for me to resist or hold onto awkwardness towards my previous partner due to back-chat and not directing myself, and it is petty to disregard the partner that I now walk with due to not fully being HERE in this agreement.

The past is past- it is gone now and forever, and I cannot fix or undo what has already been done. I what CAN do is support myself within each breath – within what is HERE in this moment – and determine for myself what I will accept and what I will allow, and within this I take responsibility for what I accumulate within myself, my relationships, my world. It is my responsibility to expand myself and to release and direct all points which I am allowing myself to be limited by. I do not wait for redemption – I redeem myself in each breath. In each breath I re-deem myself worthy and responsible.

I walk my agreement fully, and let go of the past, let go of my ego within wanting to be redeemed and playing out it's tragic hero programming. I push myself and direct myself as the god and authority of my being.

Self-Dedication and Change

2011-03-23T01:40:00.000-07:00

Within re-dedicating myself to walking this process and committing to change, I am finding that my application has become much smoother - even when i am having points of judgment, reaction, or resistance, they are not as severe and there is noticeably less energy within those points - as i am now applying myself within embracing and accepting self and taking responsibility for what i am accepting and allowing self to exist as.

within accepting the fact that i am currently limited and must walk a process of uncovering the layers of self that have been constructed through time and accumulated participation within and as the mind/ego, i am able to be gentle with myself and actually care about myself enough to let go of fears and resistances to change. here, the starting-point is actual self change instead of me simply wanting to redeem myself or 'fix' something in order to cope with my reality.

i am allowing myself to see and be self-honest with the extent to which i have participated within knowledge and information as a means and way of projecting and presenting myself in order to control and manipulate instead of actually sharing self within vulnerability - and within this not judging myself or beating myself up over it - rather investigating who i am within this behavior and move myself within self-correction.

what has assisted me greatly in the past days is pushing the point of sharing and exposing myself with my partner, and getting self-honest with my points of backchat and back-doors - admitting to and taking responsibility for what i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and accumulate within myself, and realizing that it is never 'personal' whatever comes up.

a point of stability and amazing support within all of this is the application of breathing - bringing self back here within and as the breath, moving within and as the breath, and realizing that i cannot do more than what is able to be done within one breath - and that if i am not here within breath then i am in my mind - when this happens to not judge myself or go into further reaction - simply address the issue and if i require assistance, ask for it - do not linger in the mind within back-chat and do what is here, what is actually in my reality breath by breath instead of going into internalizations, projections, fears, judgments, pictures, etc.

an interesting note here is that when i am effectively breathing and applying myself within self-acceptance instead of self-blame and sticking to the decision to change and face myself, seemingly insurmountable points become far less intimidating within the realization that i am not limited by anything other than myself.

so i continue - breathing and walking, accepting and directing

Its not just about ME - taking responsibility for spite and abuse of my partner

2011-03-20T23:58:00.000-07:00

Today I was faced with the point of manifested consequence for not exposing my back-chat - and thus eventually being exposed for the deception and manipulation that i have accepted and allowed within myself and within existence - the point of manipulating another in order to have an 'agreement' and to be supported so that i do not have to face my own fears and actually push through them.

This has been a point that i have been hiding within myself - too ashamed to actually face it or take responsibility for it because of my own fear, ego, and self-interest - and within this i have accepted and allowed harm and abuse to be done within my blatant disregard for my partner - actually spiting her and all that she stands for because i refused to be self-honest and wanted to just have things go 'my way' and ensure that i have a pleasant experience for myself - not equally supporting or standing with my partner and holding on to secret back-chat within myself and allowing self to entertain thoughts of being with another, leaving the agreement, and projecting blame onto my partner for points that i am refusing to face and take responsibility for, wanting to make it 'her fault' when in fact it is myself and always myself that is responsible for what i experience and what i allow within my reality.

My actual starting-point within moving here was not self-honest - i deliberately withheld my internal agendas and misled and abused the trust of another in order for me to be accepted, validated, supported, to experience myself within an 'agreement' and to hide and not face my own points- and this is simply unforgivable. Since the beginning of this 'agreement' i have not actually moved myself to become effective as an equal partner - i have been only considering myself- and how this agreement can benefit ME- wanting to be supported financially so that i did not have to take self responsibility alone- which is absolute disregard, abuse, and exploitation -of which there is already an ample amount within this world.

I allowed myself to abuse another - deliberately spite another - manipulate and connive another - all because i spite, manipulate, and connive myself. Now I am seeing that i am at all times responsible for what i am allowing within myself - because what i allow within myself as the back-chat and secret mind thoughts and pictures is what actually manifests in this world and affects others in my world. The abuse I allow within self is the abuse I manifest upon others.

Now I forgive myself and correct myself and ensure that I no longer participate in this abuse. Within this, to actually LIVE the self-forgiveness as myself as the LIVING WORD - not allowing the words i place to be separate from me - which is me actually applying myself and correcting myself in practical, physical living and not just writing and speaking self-forgiveness alone.

it is shameful to have to abuse life in order to take responsibility for self and actually care for self as another. it is shameful to require that abusive playouts occur before i see myself and take responsibility only AFTER the pain has been inflicted and a 'wound' has been left. and it is shameful to require to experience shame before acting within self-will within self-honesty in consideration of what is best for all.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am able to hide and get away with participating in my secret mind as back-chat and not actually stopping or directing such points

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and deceive out of self-interest without considering that i am only manipulating and deceiving myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately mislead and manipulate another to accept and validate me as well as support me within limitation and self-definition

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as self-value and self-worth and self-respect.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to secret desires and back-chat instead of exposing them and letting go of them.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my partner within not wanting to face and deal with my own points of dishonesty and dependency yet expecting for my partner to continue to support me the way that i want to be supported.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself within thoughts associated with pictures and emotions - none of which are my actual physical expression.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what is here, and what it means to be to be alive at the moment.

i forgive myself thati have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself as my partner.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow abuse and self-interest within me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to portray myself as 'innocent' within my participation as a way to manipulate my partner into admitting and accepting that she is 'wrong'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner, and within this, abuse my partner within not seeing her as myself one and equal.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and within this, to allow my self-abuse to carry over and manifest into and as abuse/spite/disregard/exploitation of my partner which reflects me back to me that i might actually see what i am doing to myself.

i am responsible for what i participate in and all forms of back-chat have a manifested consequence if allowed to accumulate and not dissipate.

i am responsible for who i am within and as my self-agreement and my agreement with my partner.

i am responsible for becoming an effective and stable human being within this world in order to stand and face what is to come for humanity, no matter what.

within all of this the point of ending my agreement came up -
what i see is that such abuse of trust and disregard for another is unacceptable and unforgivable, and that i must forgive myself and correct this point WITHIN the process of walking this agreement.

for me to walk away from this point will only lead to me compounding this further and creating an even greater time-loop for myself and for anyone else who may be in my world. my starting point within walking away and ending the agreement would indicate that i am indeed accepting and allowing the abuse and manipulation within myself and others to continue - me walking away and ending this agreement would be me giving up on myself and all that i have walked to get to this point of realization - and this i will not do.

i see also that my point of disregarding my partner and not actually caring to be effective and moving myself, directing myself to work with her and support her one and equal is very much related to me having at an earlier stage in my life 'given up' on myself - deciding that i myself am not 'worthy', and within this going into personality and self-interest within not actually respecting self or having any sense of self-value or self-worth, rather simply existing within and as the mind as ego - wanting to be accepted but never accepting self - and now this is playing out in my agreement where i am not caring for the other, not seeing the worth and value of another as self, and self as the other, yet wanting the energy/validation/support of the other.

thus i recommit myself to walking my self-agreement and walking my agreement with my partner - to push and expand myself and my partner within self-worth, self-value, and self-honesty in all ways - i commit to changing myself and standing up for what is best for all - and within this to live the realization that i must start with self - that i must equalize self and take responsibility for myself in this process before i can stand and assist/direct what is best for all.

thus it is to not accept anything less than who i am, and to not accept limitation within myself - to push myself to expand and be able to express myself to my fullest capability within what is best for all - and establish for myself the point of self-respect, self-love, so that i can in fact respect and in fact 'love' another as self, and respect and love LIFE as one as equal.

Shut Up and STAND! Less Talking, More Walking!

2011-03-20T00:12:00.000-07:00

A point that I am seeing recur in my living environment is that of points being opened up - and spending too much time in discussing the point and what the correction of the point is, what the point should be - instead of actually taking the point on in the physical and directing the point immediately within self-honesty.

Within this, there is also a point of wanting to blame and project upon another that they are somehow to blame for not seeing/recognizing that I am experiencing myself as not directing myself and wanting for the other person to somehow know this and in a way direct the point for me, wanting to blame the other for 'talking too much' and 'wasting my time'.

An example of this is when a specific point opens up and it is discussed and the practical corrective application is clear - yet the application is not applied, and I find myself defending or going into memories or speaking about the system instead of self-honestly directing myself in that moment and stopping further conversation which is, at that point, only further feeding and compounding systems and reactions.

I see that the main reason why this occurs is that I have a "nice guy" programming within me still active where I do not actually direct myself or stand within self-honesty and allow myself to compromise myself in order to be 'nice' - and within this wanting to be nice, i actually participate in further back-chat and internalization.

An example of the backchat is "Why are we still talking about this? What is the point of just sitting here throwing words at each other? Why am I not simply directing and moving myself within the self-correction? We're just wasting time."

But in actuality I am the one who is not directing myself, and I am only getting more frustrated and angry with myself because I am not willing to definitively move myself and say "Okay, I don't see that we need to talk further, lets actually direct this point or move on to something else."

Within this, I must also consider the other being - to not disregard the other within my own self-interest of wanting to get things done, concerning myself only with 'my time' and 'my points'. It is to establish what is practical and functionally most effective. Speaking points out is cool - it assists with opening and developing more effective communication and allows us to work through points. So it is to find the right 'balance' - not allowing myself to simmer and marinate in points while the point is clear, understood, and the necessary correction is evident - it is not necessary to go into further discussion beyond that, which only feeds the mind-consciousness system and results in self-correction not actually being done.

what is best for all is that i push myself to be fully here and participate with the conversation as points are being opened up and discussed, so that i myself am not allowing backchat to accumulate and distract me. once the point is clear and a physical/practical correction is able to be done, then do it without hesitation - and if it is not practical to do that correction immediately, then move on to the next relevant point or thing that requires to be done - do not allow myself to remain within the mind.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project onto another that they are wasting my time and wanting to participate in unnecessary conversation when i am the one who is responsible for how i am experiencing myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project onto another the points of 'they are not regarding me' and 'they just want to argue over unnecessary shit'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the self-limitation of a 'nice guy'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my self-honesty within allowing self to have backchat and not direct myself in the moment to apply the necessary self-correction when a point becomes clear and the correction is understood.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient and spiteful to the other person who is speaking because i am not directing myself within the point of conversation, and blaming the experience within myself on the other being.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into the point of internalization and mulling things over within my secret mind when a point is being discussed or when i am experiencing a reaction within me which was triggered by the 'other' being.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the other as they are sharing their perspectives while i am in my own secret mind instead of exposing my backchat in order for me to communicate effectively with the other.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want the other person to admit that i am right and that they have been talking too much, instead of me taking responsibility within self-honesty to direct the point within the consideration of what is best for all.

Why do I blog? Live what I write, write what I live

2011-03-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

Why do I blog?

A blog that assisted me greatly today is one written by Andrew, which can be read HERE, but i will share what specifically was assisting for me in this moment, as i am writing this blog. The following is an excerpt from Andrew's process blog-

"Before I begin writing this I am going to remind myself here, that what I write, is me. And that what I write becomes me. And what I write becomes my inner structure, and therefore to effectively support myself by writing an inner structural support that Stand as what is best for ALL, and that creates a functionally effective human being within the context of what I am currently facing , what I will be facing and where we are going in process in terms of bringing forth equality, an equal money system, a world that is best for all, and a human being that is dignified, self respected, trustworthy, and self honest."

What struck me here is the simple realization that i am what i speak - i am the words that i allow within and as me, as my expression in this reality, and that the words that i place affect not just myself, but all one and equal. thus it is important to be aware that the thoughts that i participate in - the feelings and emotions that i allow within me - the words that i think, speak, write, and define myself by - all have an accumulative effect as well as a manifested consequence.

i have been resisting blogging - resisting sharing myself - resisting process in general, and this is due to compounded back-chat and suppressed points that i have not allowed myself to walk through - points that i have allowed self to make 'bigger than self'. now that these points are coming up to the surface, i am faced with the manifested consequence of having hidden within myself so many thoughts - judgments - spitefulness - self-interest, and fears, thinking i can cheat or manipulate consequence.

what i am realizing is that when i write - it is not for me to indulge in the mind - to marinate within the points that i am facing - rather to write, as andrew put it, 'an inner structural support that Stand as what is best for ALL, and creates a functionally effective human being..."

thus what i accept and place as the words i express, are the words that i allow myself to live and stand as for eternity - and within this i am responsible for how i script myself within and as my self-writing - which is the foundation point of the words that i speak, which then are the foundation point for the words which i LIVE into being, which then are the foundation point of my accumulation within this reality.

in each moment, i am accumulating. in each moment, i am a participant within the creation of this existence, and thus i take responsibility for what i accept and allow by first ensuring that what i am accumulating within existence is indeed what is best for all by starting with self.

i recommit myself and re-align myself to this starting point within writing and blogging - this is not about personality. this is not about me sharing what i'm going through/working with from a starting-point of wanting people to validate me or accept me or give me energy for what i am sharing. this is about me scripting my actual change - sharing the actual building and restructuring process of breaking down my current limitations and self-definitions and accumulating what is best for all.

what i write is what i must live, and what is live is what i write - within this there is no point of ego, personality, or self-interest. there is no point of comparing my writing with others - as there is nothing to gain and nothing to lose - for we are all in this equally and it is in the best interest of all that we sort ourselves out and stand as self-willed equals.

Being Humble in my Stumble

2011-03-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

It does not take much for one to really fuck oneself up within the mind - really all it takes is one stray thought - and this thought remains dormant, collecting energy within self in the 'background', and if not directed, will eventually become an entity/manifestation/play-out that must occur in one's actual living reality.

a while ago the phrase 'being humble with my stumble' came up in a discussion i was having with lindsay - and i see that this expression is appropriate for what i am facing lately - which is to be humble and self-honest with what i have accepted and allowed and realizing that it is alright to make mistakes and fall - but it is not alright to allow myself to not stand back up again.

I am seeing a pattern here within how i approach my process - where points will come up, i become aware of the point, but then the point is allowed to compound within me as i internalize and analyze the point over and over rather than take on the self-corrective application necessary, which leads to me becoming unstable and untrustworthy due to holding on to all of these unresolved points.

it is also important for me to realize that effective self-correction must be lived in each moment - there is no leeway. and within this, effective self-correction can be anything from writing to support myself through a point, speaking it out, speaking/writing self-forgiveness to get to a point of clarity and release, or simply breathing and touching something with my hands and bringing myself back HERE. a chat with Bernard was particularly assisting for me in terms of the realization that my satisfaction with how i apply myself is able to be measured by each breath - instead of going into the past or projecting into the future, separating myself from HERE, where i must be and stand - rather make sure that i am satisfied with what i am accepting and allowing within this current breath - and then move on to the next - this has assisted me in letting things go - moving myself HERE from moment to moment.

i have been slipping on my application and consistency lately, and what has kept me from moving effectively is the point of EGO - of which i have massive amounts that have been given permission and access to how i live and what i do - meaning i have allowed myself to be 'driven by' my ego and self-interest extensively in this life and must walk a very disciplined process to restore self as the point of authority - as the LIFE that I am, as the Living Word, and move myself and 'learn' to how actually care about life - as all as one as equal - where all things that i allow within myself and my world begin from the starting-point of what is best for all and will not cause harm or abuse.

this point of ego must end - it is conniving, deceptive, and infinitely patient, and will stop at nothing so long as i carry within me any shred of self-interest or dishonesty or allow myself to sabotage myself.

as i walk this point and push through the layers of self-judgment and self-defeat, as i realize and live the application that i am NOT my mind, that I in each breath determine what i will accept or allow, that i alone am responsible for how i experience myself, and how i impact the rest of this existence, the more i am able to 'face' and 'handle' the nasty shit that i have accumulated within myself, and forgive myself. within this i have to realize that this will be a lengthy process that will require that i commit myself to walking this fully, and that i will have to give up all that i have known myself to be as 'joe kou' and birth myself as life as what is here, as the Living Word, as the expression of self without ego/self-interest/fear/separation. the only way to do this is to do it breath by breath and to not ever allow self to give up.

at the moment i am allowing self to actually face and see the nature of what i have allowed as my 'back-chat', and it is not cool at all. initially i went into reaction and resistance about the fact that i have existed so long as an abuser of life - as a deceiver and manipulator, and within this not wanting to have to face the responsibility of what i've participated in - but as i push myself to remain self-honest and embrace my 'evil twin', the more i am able to really forgive myself and let go, and the more i am able to see in my darkest moments that 'this too, shall pass' and that i remain, no matter what.

I allow myself to be humble in my stumble.
I get back up, and walk, no matter what, until it is done.

Spontaneity - I am Totally Famous and My Fans and Supporters are LEGION !!!

2011-03-13T07:54:00.000-07:00

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2011-03-12T00:50:00.000-08:00

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2011-03-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

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2011-03-07T00:23:00.000-08:00

Suppressed Self-Hatred and Huge Zits - Part One

2011-03-05T23:06:00.000-08:00

I have a large pimple in the middle of my forehead at the moment, it is is actually quite fascinating now that i am sitting down and allowing myself to write out the points - because i see that i had suppressed my reactions to having such a large pimple in the middle of my forehead lol.

for a while i had been simply disregarding the point as though i had no reaction to it, but as it became more apparent and especially when Lindsay pointed it out, i began to grow more self-conscious (not self-aware) about having such a large and obvious pimple, and realized that this manifestation is specific - and recalled that represent suppressed anger, blame, and self-hatred, as shared on the desteni forum by Sunnete and Jack.

So I am looking now at the point of suppressed anger, blame, and self-hatred, and any points within which i am posing as an ego/personality manifestation of self in order to compensate for my actual experience of self which i have judged as not 'enough' - and specifically looking at the points where i am abdicating myself within trying to 'pose' as somebody 'superior' and 'in control' in order to survive within and as the matrix reality and blaming/hating self for 'having to do this', as well as taxing/draining self within the act of maintaining this facade of strength when my actual experience of self is not that of strength.

From Jack -

This is suppressed anger hiding within the subconscious mind - that had become the very being to such an extent - that the being is not aware of this anger/hatred towards self. This particular anger infuses itself within and as a subconscious layer (as it originates from within the subconscious mind) within and as the human physical body - presenting itself as pimples, acne or zits. This anger / self hatred is because of the acceptance and allowance of self deception in becoming a personality presentation of self - to conform and condition self to have the ability to exist and survive within the unified consciousness field - that experience of helplessness and hopelessness of 'having no choice' but to become this mind personality of the world as everyone else.

It is that 'part' of you within you that know what you're doing to yourself and accepting and allowing yourself to become this personality of the mind - because it seems that it is all that is 'known' to be done - there is no other way out but to become what everyone else is - a mind personality. Thus - anger / hatred towards self 'grows' and 'compounds' through age - and then manifest as pimples/zits/acne. Self forgiveness on anger, blame and hatred towards self suggested.
.

i see that i have been experiencing the manifested consequence of compounded points in relation to suppressing my actual self-experience and pushing/forcing self to adopt a personality that would be able to 'handle' things in the matrix reality - so that i am able to 'survive' and not be 'torn apart' by 'others' within the belief that others will not want to tolerate/put up with the 'weakness' that i have defined myself as - something i have done for many years - as a coping mechanism and also as a point of 'survival' wherein i developed myself to be able to function and pass myself off as 'stable' when in fact i was unstable within myself and experiencing myself as nervous, anxious, weak, incompetent, which are definitions of self that i have accumulated.

in the past few days i have been facing this point of blame, anger, and hatred of and as self- wherein i have revealed an underpinning thought/experience of 'i don't like myself' and 'i hate what i have allowed myself to become as a system' - very specific thoughts in relation to how i have come to be so drained and 'messed up' within myself as that which i have accepted and allowed within me - blaming myself for having allowed myself to become so diminished as life, as that which is here.

lately i have noticed myself wanting to continue doing 'more effective' equal money and current event vlogs, but realizing that who i am within doing the EMS series is not a fully amalgamated being - meaning that i am still scattered and distracted and can get lost - and will go into knowledge/information - presenting self as an 'authority' within 'superiority/ego' instead of actually opening self up and sharing myself. i have created doing equal money rants as a point of 'redemption' - because i see that i am able to be effective when i direct myself, and can speak on points effectively, but the starting-point is not clear and is of self-interest as ego/mind - wanting to present myself through and as knowledge and information because i do not trust/accept self within and as unconditional expression of self realizations - having judged self to be 'unacceptable'.

So here I am seeing that there is resistance to writing self-forgiveness and actually letting go - because i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is 'who i am', and that there is nothing i can do about it - not wanting to let go and actually have to face who i am within change - within dropping my self-definitions and comfort zone.

I am NOT my mind. I am HERE. I am stability. I am able to walk within and as self-trust and support myself with self-forgiveness as LIVING WORDS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the suppressed anger, blame, and self-hatred.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress anger, self-hatred, and blame within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become angry as an emotional reaction within self in regards to being a 'fake personality' in order to survive in the matrix world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because I wanted to express myself unconditionally but did not find myself able to within the matrix world, and instead began to stifle myself, withdraw into myself, and learn to 'behave'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must continue to exist within and as the personality design of myself, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself for having to do what was necessary for me to survive, based on what I saw everyone else doing, and seems to be the only way to survive within the matrix, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for having accepted and allowed myself to 'give in' to the current system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge against myself for having accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in order to fit in and survive within the current money/job system.

Supression to Expresssion

2011-03-04T17:52:00.000-08:00

It is interesting having a look at how 'sneaky' the design of personality can be, wherein i have convinced myself that my expression is 'genuine' and that i am unique - that i am actually in control of who i am and what i express - that the expression that i am now is the actual expression i wish to have - which is not actually true - because i have yet to live actual unconditional self-expression in this life.

looking further into the point opened up in the previous blog - wherein i write about judging Lindsay's expression to be 'not genuine' and 'of energy' as well as seeing that it is my own projection that causes such a reaction within myself.

A first layer that i see within this judgment and resistance/discomfort within myself that arises when I see Lindsay expressing herself and enjoying herself with Beast - is that i have created a morality system around certain 'kinds' of expression - and have developed an idea within myself of certain kinds of expression are 'of the mind/energy' and therefore are not acceptable - making them 'wrong' as though to blame the expression itself.

This is coming from my own experience of having gone into energetic expressions - using 'character voices', going into my mind and playing out personalities in order to get validation/acceptance from others, compromising self within and as self-honest self-expression by participating in my addiction to energy as well as 'giving in' to group pressure - where i experience myself as needing to 'survive' as a social status/ego and thus adapt and push myself to make friends and get people to like me - and within this i would go into 'characters' - sometimes creating lies and fabricating things about myself to be more impressive, sometimes exaggerating aspects about myself and boasting or going into extensive gossip, use certain phrases/voices/tonalities/expressions in order to 'fit in' and be accepted - wanting only the validation and acceptance of others and not actually accepting self as the simplicity of breath here in each moment and expressing self unconditionally within presence and self-movement.

I have judged myself within the memory of having participated in going into 'characters' with certain friends and people and i am holding on to a guilt/resentment/regret/suppressed emotion on this point - because i see that i have had a belief that it was not comfortable/natural/pleasant to be 'fake' - even though my personality would enjoy the energy and validation i got from it, the validation would always wear off because it was never my own actual self-expression - and was always something 'borrowed' from my memories or from observing what i thought would get me 'in' with the others - often trying to imitate/become a personality that was far from my 'usual' self-expression in order to impress and manipulate others into liking/accepting/validating me.

i would become energetically possessed when my personality was 'working' and i was getting attention/acceptance/validation from others. i would get more and more into it and i would totally lose myself and try to convince myself that i actually AM this personality/'character' that i was portraying - but at the end there would always be a drop within energy and i would get depressed and be left with the realization that it was all an 'act' and that i in fact i had to work hard to upkeep and maintain this 'characterization' of self - and that within doing so i was diminishing myself as actual self-expression.

so here i formed a morality point within which i judge my previous expressions as 'bad' and 'not genuine' and 'not acceptable', and am holding on to guilt about having participated within and as energetic and personality possession - but this guilt is not REAL - and also there is another, more 'sneaky' layer beneath all this.

The second layer within this construct within me of reacting to certain expressions of self-enjoyment and locking myself down into a rigid and confined parameter of what i have judged/determined to be 'acceptable' - is that i am holding on to a want/need/desire to be accepted due to me not accepting myself and not being willing to walk myself to self-correction - believing that the fears, anxieties, and resistances i have built up within me are 'more' than i am, and thus not wanting to actually accept who i am, which would imply accepting my responsibility for changing myself - thus the point of 'guilt' within having participated in compromising self in order to be accepted/validated by others even though i knew within myself exactly what i was doing and exactly what i was hiding - an within this compounded guilt i had 'reasoned' within my mind's limited logic that it is best that i no longer participate in self-expression that is in any way similar to what i had participated in before - and within this i simply projected all of my own points onto the forms of expression themselves - judging 'having fun' and 'enjoying self-expression' based on my own guilt - and thus not trusting others when they are expressing themselves in a moment of self-enjoyment.

expression is NOT limited or defined - if it is, then it is not expression of self within unconditional self-honesty. self-expression without energetic movement can be anything at all - and it is up to each individual's self-honesty to determine whether one is fully HERE participating in each movement of self within awareness, or if self is being moved by thought/pictures/desires and are participating in an internal experience in order to not face themselves HERE.

for myself, i see that i am able to relax and let go of the guilt and judgments i have carried and to realize that one can express ANYTHING, in any way, and still be genuine within and as self-expression - when the starting point is actually self.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain kinds of expression as being 'of the mind' and therefore not 'real/genuine'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project and layer my own definitions of self-expression onto what is here in physical reality

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that lindsay's expression with beast is not 'genuine' and within this

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for not being 'genuine' with people

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stifle myself within the point of unconditional self-expression, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing self within that point of energy possession

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to lindsay's expression of self-enjoyment and 'fun' with beast

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not 'able' to play with beast because i do not find it 'natural' as my self-expression in this current moment to play with Beast the way that Lindsay does.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'letting go and enjoying-self' within self-expression should look like something that corresponds to my own judgment of what is acceptable/not in terms of energetic participation.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not capable of 'playing' with beast.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self-expression, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allow myself to judge others who express themselves in the moment as 'abusing energy/not being here/not actually genuine'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have only what i deem appropriate within my mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to resentment and guilt within self for having participated in manipulation and energetic possession in my past

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within stifling myself and trying to exist within and as a shell/personality.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself separate self from and as self-expression HERE

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to believe that i am not worthy of actual enjoyment - and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to remain within guilt as a self-limitation so that i am not actually facing the point of self-acceptance

I stop. Whether or not Lindsay is fully here when she plays with and expresses herself with Beast is irrelevant to my own reaction - either way i am reacting because it is myself that is not being fully here and fully participating within self-awareness as self-enjoyment in the moment. i take responsibility within and as self to not allow self to stifle self within guilt or believing that i am not supposed to 'have fun' in this existence

there is nothing special, nothing right nor wrong, within expressing myself in the moment - and i will not automatically, overnight, suddenly be fully HERE within all that i do - thus it is impractical to assume that i am able to simply be fully self-directed within self-expression without actually expressing self and seeing where i am indeed in energy - where i am indeed possessed and not actually moving self. thus i will push myself to expand myself within self-expression - so that can establish in time who i am within self expression instead of wanting to be something 'through' expression - wherein the expression of myself is already compromised within the starting-point of wanting to be accepted.

within this it is also to not judge lindsay's expression as 'rightt' or 'wrong' or 'better' or 'worse' or anything at all - i do not need to 'copy' lindsay's expression. it is to break down my resistances and fears - and let go of my memories and self judgments - and have some fucking fun in this fucking hell-hole reality - so that i can actually function within this madness

Self Supression and Self Expression Part 1

2011-03-04T00:04:00.000-08:00

A point has been brought up within me being stifled and not allowing myself to unconditionally express myself within and as self-enjoyment, but rather having a specific set of 'rules' that i apply within my expression, and anything that does not fit the criteria of my definition, i judge as being 'wrong'

this point opened up in relation to me judging lindsay's expression of playfulness and enjoyment with beast (our dog, for those of you who don't know) and judging her expression as being of energetic possession and not being a 'genuine' expression HERE with beast - which is obviously my own reaction, judging expressions to be 'wrong' or 'bad' to participate in because of my own self-definitions

there are several layers to this point so for now i will keep it simple and revisit on this point later.

For the moment i will open up the point of me having abused expression within and as energy and mind -

i would be out with friends and i would put on a fake persona and would not actually be genuine - because i wanted to fit in and be accepted, and i have not wanted to see myself within the point of compromising self in order to fit in and have a social life - and instead of actually investigating who i am within those points of compromising self and how i was not being self-honest, i had made ALL forms of self-enjoyment within self-expression in the moment to be 'wrong' and 'bad'.

i am getting quite tired at the moment - i will direct myself to get some sleep and will continue this tomorrow

Bloggity Vlog - Equalizing self to daily blogging/vlogging and establishing a framework

2011-03-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

Last night I did not write a blog or do a vlog, as per my commitment to blogging/vlogging each day, and within looking at this point i see that in the days leading up to this i had been participating in thoughts of needing to get my blogging/vlogging done each day and making it a 'rule' that i do this, thus creating daily blogging/vlogging to be an entity separate from self - something that i required to push myself to do because i had made it a 'rule' and not an actual self-movement. so as i continued to allow pressure, stress, and anxiety over the point of doing a blog/vlog each day, the point compounded and i found myself at a state of not actually being HERE, not actually blogging/vlogging from a starting-point of actual self-expression or self-support - and rather i was actually feeding my mind - feeding the constructs within me - possessed by the idea/thought of having to do a blog/vlog each day - and the resistance grew around that point. i found myself going into stress and anxiety whenever it would get late into the evening and i had not yet done my blog/vlog, and would compound this point of stress and anxiety and 'force' myself through it without actually investigating or supporting myself within the resistance - which only suppressed the point.

i realized that i was not actually writing for self-support - that i was writing just to maintain a commitment to write and post a blog/vlog each day - as though by virtue of me doing the act of posting a blog and uploading a vlog each day i was then 'supporting myself'- when in fact i was supporting an idea/opinion which ultimately lead to a lockdown/possession where i would experience massive resistance due to wanting to present myself a certain way, wanting to 'maintain' my blogging and vlogging to fit the idea i had about it.

so within this i have also constructed the point of polarity within 'not doing a vlog/blog' each day - setting up for myself the eventuality of an energetic 'low' if i do not blog/vlog because the starting point was of energy - of mind.

thus i now support myself to drop all rules - and stick to principle. it is not about whether or not i blog/vlog daily - it is who i am within it all, and how i will direct myself within each moment. it does not actually support me or anyone when i am not actually sharing self-realization or sharing self within actual vulnerability - it is ego and self-interest to want to blog/vlog from a starting-point of wanting validation or seeking some form of acceptance/redemption.

the correction here is not to stop blogging or vlogging daily - nor is it to force myself to blog/vlog from a starting-point of ego/mind. it is to clear the starting-point and get self-honest with who i am in the point of blogging/vlogging so that i am HERE and not writing from/as the mind and not going into energetic possession or losing myself within knowledge/information within my vlogs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within blogging and vlogging daily

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist and compound the resistance to blogging and vlogging daily within separating self from blogging and vlogging and creating blogging and vlogging as a 'rule' that must be followed

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear others judging me for not blogging/vlogging daily each day

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not blogging/vlogging each day

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i cannot share myself unconditionally and that i must be 'clear', and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place pressure upon myself to constantly and continuously be 'expanding' and 'bettering' myself and sharing this expansion of self within my blogs and vlogs

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i must be a 'model' for others in terms of self-expansion and self-correction, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not changing, not expanding, not living up to the 'model' that i believe i must be

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind within it's interpretation of how i am doing within my process and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and judge myself as inferior to the expression of others in blogs and vlogs.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing self, and within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that that which can be deleted was ever real or of actual substance

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am my mind and that the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that my consciousness experiences is real or lasting or special in any way.

I am HERE - and my starting-point within blogging and vlogging daily is to support myself within self-expansion and self-realization - and within this it is not about making sure that i post or upload something every day - it is to make sure that i am not in my MIND every day. always it is the starting-point that determines the manifested consequences.

When i see that it is not practical/effective for me to vlog or post a blog, i will not do so and will direct myself and support myself through applying self-forgiveness spoken or written, and/or i will support myself by investigating what is the actual resistance/fear that is in the way, and/or i will support myself within moving and participating within my actual reality if i see i am getting locked down and going into resistance doing the writing or vlogging, and/or i will assist myself within directing myself to take a nap and 'sleep it off' and return to the point the moment i wake up, and/or i will see whether there is something in my actual physical participation that requires change or direction.

i continue my application of blogging/vlogging - without holding on to any ideas or thoughts/opinions or making it a 'rule' that must be followed - and simply move myself within the point and trust self to direct self in that moment if i see that vlogging/blogging will not be effective/practical to do in that moment.

Blogging for the very first time

2011-03-01T00:23:00.000-08:00

I have been noticing a point of anxiety and tension within blogging and vlogging every day - where i am creating the application of daily vlogging/blogging to be a 'rule' to be followed - something that i must force myself to do - instead of it being a matter of self-movement within simply living the decision and doing it.

i found myself not actually being HERE throughout my day - and was participating in thoughts in relation to time - where i would check the time continuously and become more unstable within self the later it gets if i did not already have a blog or vlog done - and creating anxiety/pressure/stress within the point of blogging/vlogging instead of being HERE and sharing self from the starting-point of self-support.

there has also been a point of wanting to maintain a certain 'momentum' within blogging and vlogging every day - and wanting to make sure that each blog/vlog i do gets 'better' or at least maintains a certain quality, which comes from judgment and comparison with previous blog posts as well as postings from others, wherein i judge myself as 'not good enough to share" or "i am not clear enough on this point", which shows that i have created an idea about what a blog/vlog should 'look like'

the starting-point of vlogging/blogging each day is to actually expand myself within my practical living by utilizing the blogging as self-writing to assist myself through points, and the vlogging being a point where i directly face and observe myself from the 'outside'.

something that i find assisting is to set myself up for blogging, dropping all knowledge, comparisons, past memories and events, and letting go of the ideas that i have accepted and allowed to exist within myself.

in having a look at this point i am seeing how i have been missing the simplicity of working with what is here, practically, and realizing that who and what i am in this moment, within this very breath is HERE, and that each blog is my 'first' blog, as i push myself to move and write as breath in the very moment of putting my hands on the keyboard.

thus i support myself to not begin going into thoughts, wanting a certain outcome, or creating pressure within the point of blogging/vlogging as a command to be followed instead of being a self-movement in each moment of breath.

Distractions and Covering within the point of procrastination

2011-02-27T13:23:00.000-08:00

Layer by layer the design of procrastination is becoming clearer in the sense that i am seeing how procrastination comes through in different ways, and as i apply myself within being aware of when/where i am procrastinating, i am seeing the different ways i allow myself to exist within limitation and self-doubt - wherein i am holding on to self-interest within and as my mind/ego/personality.

in specific i am looking at the point of going into my mind within daydreaming - picturing myself doing things other than what i require to do in the moment - wanting to be doing things that are 'fun' for me instead of doing what is practical - which is a way of hiding my fears and resistances and not wanting to let go of self-definitions that may have to be transcended or at least walked through within doing those tasks.

for instance, i will see and realize that there are things that i require to get done - and if i have any resistances to doing these things, i will allow myself to go into the mind and participate in things that distract me from what is here - going into thoughts and pictures of things that are 'fun' - or going into a fantasy/imaginary experience in an alternate reality instead of being HERE with the task that is to be accomplished, or 'busying' myself with a project or several projects but not actually being HERE and actually participating in the project being worked on because 'working on a project' is just a cover - a way for me to not actually do what is necessary and practical to be done in the moment.

this can happen very quickly when i am not here and stopping myself and directing myself effectively and consistently - as this can build up into a kind of 'momentum' where once it reaches a certain point, i am lost within the distractions and end up not actually doing what is required to be done, which compounds and accumulates this point of me not following through with things that i see require direction.

this method of procrastination can appear very subtle - as though it was i myself who made the 'decision' to not do something because 'other things came up' or 'i didn't get to it and don't have the time', but in fact it is self who is accepting and allowing the mind to be in directive control of what i do instead of self standing within and as self-will and self-direction.

something i see is effective in determining whether i am indeed simply covering myself and hiding within participating in a project or distraction is to be self-honest within the question of 'am i actually fully participating in this?' and if the answer is no then it shows me that i am not in fact HERE because i am hiding another point in my mind that i am not wanting to look at/direct, thus i am actually just distracting myself with whatever i am pretending to do - as though by doing this i am able to 'trick' myself and others into believing that i am not procrastinating or existing within fear/resistance of taking on a point.

thus for self-support i will ask myself the question of 'am i actually fully participating in what i am doing in this moment, and if not why not/where am i?' and determine for myself when i am trying to bury myself in other things in order to not have to face/direct things that require self to actually apply self and change.

also, to stop the 'random' thoughts that come up within the mind as i am doing or considering to do what is required to get done - to not participate in or 'wonder' about what it would be like if i am doing something else that is more 'fun' for me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself within and as thoughts and pictures as a way to not face/look at/deal with a point

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the pattern of enjoying/participating in 'randomness' as thoughts and pictures from my mind which i have allowed myself to distract myself with

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts and pictures that come up in my mind are actually self-willed movement

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i actually want what is presented within and as the daydream/distractions of the mind

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'have fun' and 'do what i want to entertain myself' instead of standing within principle no matter what

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself only want to do fun things or things that enjoy doing as a personality design

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from breathing here in the moment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not direct the points that come up as 'random' thoughts and pictures.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things right away within the fear and anxiety of having to face who i am within not having a 'plan' and not being 'prepared'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind as a form of entertainment/escape/distraction within participating in thoughts and pictures instead of remaining here and moving self within self-will

i realize and see that i do not require energy to do what is necessary to be done - that i do not require to 'like' or 'enjoy' what i require to do - i simply move myself to do it and within the movement and self-direction i express myself as life and not as a limited being.

any resistance i have is a result of accumulation of thoughts and definitions that i have accepted as myself - the resistance is not ever real - it is only an energetic entity possession - charged by suppression and compounding of back-chat. thus whenever i see/notice myself resisting doing something it is my accumulated back-chat 'activating' in that moment and i am able to flag, stop, breathe, and push through the resistance - and reprogram myself so that i am no longer trapped in the memories/events/energy of the pattern.

so, i continue in walking through this point of procrastination - flagging the moments where i see i am stalling for time, distracting myself with other 'projects', participating within alternate realities within and as the mind instead of moving myself practically here in the actual physical reality, and using the application of asking myself in each moment whether i am fully participating here in awareness or if i am still having back-chat going on secretly inside me - which indicates that i am actually using what i am doing as a 'cover' and that i am not actually here expressing myself within self-movement.

Getting behind the wheel and facing demonic possession

2011-02-26T18:41:00.000-08:00

Within this point of 'procrastination' that i am currently walking through, i have been applying myself within getting things done and not allowing myself to participate in justifications and excuses in order to not do something when in actual practical reality it is something that i can get done.

today, the point of me driving a car opened up - driving is a point where i require to assist myself and get effective at and is a point that i have allowed to compound for many years, and is a point upon which many other layers are attached - thus it is not just me learning how to drive effectively in a car - but me letting go of and reprogramming self within no longer having the definition of 'i don't drive' which i have been using for several years as a justification/excuse to not actually face myself within other points such as getting a more effective job, going to school, being more 'social', taking care of errands and chores effectively - all were 'put off' within the procrastination point and driving was the main 'default' excuse for me not getting those points done.

so today when i saw there was a possibility of driving a car for a bit in order to get myself back behind the wheel and get over my resistances, fears, and anxieties around driving - i initially did not want to do it and reasoned that i am not at a point yet where i feel comfortable driving - yet within this i realized the total and utter nonsense logic behind not wanting to do something in order to build experience and effectiveness because i'm not already effective lol. and also within the point of pushing through procrastination, i eventually got myself around to taking up the task.

it was arranged that i would drive the car for a little bit to get to the local laundromat from the house - and as i drove i realized that i was not fully HERE, in awareness of what was going on. i was not in actual and full control of the vehicle because i was not in actual and full control of self in that moment as i experienced myself 'sinking' within thoughts of having an accident, and a general and sudden fear of not knowing what i'm doing.

what i see is that over years of creating the idea of me and living as the idea of me not driving, i have created an entity/demon manifestation that currently has directive control of self - where i experience myself in a kind of 'unawareness', where i am observing but not actually here the participation - it is as though all of the nervousness, anxiety, fear, and tension comes up all at once and i am suddenly 'numb' from the perspective of not actually being self-aware of what my physical body is doing, not taking into consideration what is going on around me and the car, and rather existing in a state of fear/anxiety/nervousness where i am not assessing the situation from a point of clarity/stability.

after the experience i went into a moment of self-defeat and self-judgment wherein i judged myself for not being an effective driver and believing that there is something wrong with me - that i am a failure and a disappointment - within this making the point of driving larger than what it is in actual practical reality. i see that i did not want to again face that point of panic nervousness, anxiety, and demonic possession again - i did not want to experience that fear of being behind the wheel and not actually fully being here, believing that this is just the way it is and that i will not be able to get past this. so for a moment i existed within self-defeat and self-judgment, but saw that i require to continue moving myself and pushing myself within this correction - and to realize that there is nothing 'bad' or 'wrong' in how i handled myself in that particular situation of driving - that what is necessary is for me to adjust and integrate the necessary changes, and that i must do this physically, and to NEVER take it personally or judge myself - simply see the point where i was not effective, flag the point and make corrections, move on - and repeat this until it sticks.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not going to be able to drive effectively due to how much i have compounded fears, resistances, and anxiety around the point of driving

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i should be able to drive without any problems even though i have not had much experience with driving, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create tension, stress, and pressure within the accepted belief that there is something 'wrong' with me if i am not already driving effectively.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within experiencing panic, fear, nervousness, and anxiety within myself as i was driving, and making mistakes as well as going into a point of not being aware of which direction i required to go.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'stupid' for apparently not knowing how to get to the laundromat while driving when i have ridden my bicycle there several times and 'should know already' where the laundromat is

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being humble with the current stage i am at with driving and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and and allowed myself to judge myself as 'unworthy' and 'incompetent' because of not already having effective driving skills, and thus fearing/resisting others seeing me in this point of 'struggling' with driving.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the thought/idea/belief of 'i am not a good driver and should not drive' as a justification/excuse to not apply myself and move myself effectively within the matrix

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and trusting myself and accepting self within self-worth and self-value, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally avoid and resist driving and getting a car in order to not actually have to face the point of taking responsibility for myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that i am not going to be 'good enough', 'smart' enough, 'effective' enough, and fear that i am not able to trust myself or 'handle' things on my own if i take on the point of expanding myself within school, work, and generally becoming more established within the matrix, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to design myself as a being who does not drive and cannot drive effectively and thus should not be expected to take on these other practical points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification of me not driving, not being a good enough driver to be road worthy, not having enough money or knowledge to properly maintain and care for a car - in order to not have to face other points within myself that have also been compounding.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection and fear making mistakes, and to have such a low sense of self-worth/self-value that i would sabotage and compromise myself and remain limited and fearful and to use the point of not driving as a justification to not have to face those points.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate driving with extra responsibility- and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the thought/belief of 'if i get a car and learn to drive effectively, then i would not have any more excuses for not taking on more points and i would then just be 'lazy'.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear/resist getting a car and applying myself to learn to drive it effectively because of not wanting to 'appear' or 'seem' lazy to others.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within the point of me not driving as a 'valid' excuse for me to not participate in being accountable and responsible for more and remaining within my fear and limitation and resistance to being seen as 'weak' to others, and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of projected strength within not having a car and 'doing things the hard way'

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to portray myself as a 'victim' within this point of not driving and not having a car so that others who do have cars can be manipulated to support me, so that i do not actually have to admit that i am afraid of taking responsibility and afraid of making mistakes.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate self from unconditional self-acceptance and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the acceptance and validation from others.

I stop.

I will not accept or allow myself to believe that i am not able/capable of driving, within using this point of not driving to not face other points.

When i see/notice myself going into the point of not wanting to drive/fearing to learn how to drive/resisting learning to drive effectively/fearing to drive a car, i will STOP, and realize that it is not actually about driving the car - it is about me not wanting to take responsibility and wanting to continue to depend on others because i have not established self-trust.

Till here, no further - I will not accept or allow self to define self as a person who 'doesn't drive' in order to not have to move myself within this reality to expand self and take responsibility.